


Rig Your Roll

by comicgeekery



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Modern AU, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 18:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 97,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12216831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comicgeekery/pseuds/comicgeekery
Summary: The Great Reunion went perfectly. Stan saw sense and took Journal 1 with no fuss. Now the portal is gone. Bill is out of Ford's head and everything should be fine from now on.After all, it's completely in Bill's nature to just give up. And Stan would certainly never do anything reckless. And there is absolutely NO WAY that Ford would wind up on a mad road trip around the country fighting monsters for magical artifacts with someone who hates him in a desperate attempt to save his brother's life!And even if he did, he certainly would never start a podcast about the whole thing.





	1. Who Would Win?

**Chapter One: Who Would Win?**

**Two Years Ago**

It was freezing. 

It was freezing, the snow was piling up in drifts, and Stanley didn’t even have enough money for a full tank of gas, let alone a motel. No. The best he had tonight was a stained blanket and his back-seat. He didn’t have the energy to plan for once. He didn’t even have the energy to wonder if he wanted to wake up the next day or not. Of all the ways to go, freezing to death in your sleep didn’t seem like the worst of them. 

Instead of thinking Stan just shivered and tried to curl himself into a tighter ball. It wasn’t helping, but his body was ready to quit trying just yet. He was so wrapped up in just how cold he felt that it took a moment before he noticed the knocking at his window.

Was it the cops? Maybe it would be worth it to get jailed up for the night. Hell, maybe he’d have been better off if he’d never broken out in Columbia. He glanced up, too drained to even feel sorry for himself. 

It wasn’t the cops. It wasn’t anyone he knew either. It was a woman who looked very bored, but also just the slightest bit concerned. Damn. Concern meant she wouldn’t leave him alone. He rolled down the window slightly, hoping that not too much snow would get in. 

“What do you want?”

The woman raised an eyebrow. “Is this really where you’re staying tonight?”

“Hey, a man’s gotta lay his head somewhere. It can’t always be somewhere nice.”

“There’s a homeless shelter in town if you need it.”

Stan scowled. Sure she meant well, but he wasn’t about to take the chance the Stanley-mobile might get towed overnight. He’d never see her again. “Thanks, but I’ll take my chances out here. I’ve been through worse.”

“Hmm. Well that’s stupid.” The woman looked more bored than ever. “Did you know you’re in my parking space?”

Fuck. Sure, he was behind an apartment building, but he hadn’t seen any numbers on the spaces underneath the snow. He’d been hoping for the best. He really had to stop doing that. 

“Let me guess, you need to park for the n-n-night?” A fresh shiver ran through him.

“No.”

“No?”

“I don’t have a car. The parking spot just comes with my apartment.”

Stan stared at her dumbly. Just what did this lady want from him? “Listen, I’ll clear out in the morning.” If his car would even start. “Can I just--”

“Do you like spaghetti?”

“.... _What?_ ”

The woman rubbed at her arms and at least had the decency to look like she felt a bit awkward at last. “I’m making spaghetti for dinner. You can have some and sleep on my couch. Use the shower too if you want. I don’t mind.”

Ah. Now things were starting to make sense. Not a lot of people took the whole good samaritan thing this far, but Stan had seen it a few times. They’d put you up for a day or two. Get you to swear allegiance to some religion or other, then send you on your way (probably telling themselves you’d manage to get off the streets just fine from there).

“Aren’t you worried I’m an ax-murderer?” he asked with a little grin. It was hardly a joke, but he wanted to see the woman at least crack a nervous smile.

“No.” She didn’t smile. Her face barely even moved. “I really don’t care one way or another.”

That was when Stanley realized that he’d been wrong before. The woman didn’t look bored. She looked numb. It was the expression people wore when they were ready to give up. He had seen it on far too many people over the last eight years. It made his gut clench painfully.

Or maybe that was just his stomach protesting that he hadn’t eaten today. 

He decided he didn’t really care enough to keep asking questions. Instead he put on the best showman smile he could and followed the woman to her apartment. 

**Today**

_”I can’t believe you know all the ‘Official Disney Princesses’ in order.”_

_“Really? That’s what you’re surprised at? Last week I listed 35 superheroes who wear yellow. I know stupid amounts about things no one cares about. That’s kinda my thing. That’s why I always call myself eidetic.”_

_“Wait. That’s what that means? I thought it was just a stupid nickname.”_

_“It is! How have we done almost fifty episodes and you still don’t know what my name means?!”_

_*laughter* “Hey, I leave the fancy words to you. I’m just here to be the looks of this operation._

_“Well that’s…”_

_“Anyway, why are we talking about Disney princesses?”_

_“For this week’s debate! Who would win in a Disney Princess Hunger Games battle royale?”_

_“Hmmm, good one. I haven’t seen ’em all, but there’s that girl with the arrows, right? The one with the mop hair?”_

_“Merida’s definitely a contender, but I’d put my money on Mulan. She beat a whole Hun army!”_

_“Love that movie. Learned all I gotta do to be a real man is act like a Pink Floyd album.”_

_“What?”_

_“I gotta be...the Dark Side of the Moon! You know, cause of that song….when she’s in the army…”_

_“Oh! Let’s get down to business! To defeat! The--”_

_“Oi! Copyright infringement! Can we try to go a week without a C &D this time? Anyway, I thought of someone better: Elsa. She could just waste them all with her ice powers. No one could beat her!”_

_“Listeners, you won’t believe this, but Nick is a HUGE Frozen fan. He saw that movie about a dozen times and cried at every showing.”_

_“Aw, shut up! Can I help it if I like a good computer-generated magic snowman?”_

_“....Anyway, you should know that Elsa’s got a giant weak point. Maybe she could take out all the other girls, but there’s no way she’d be able to kill Anna. If the really had to have just one person left, Elsa would make sure her sister won.”_

_“....Yeah, I guess siblings look out for each other like that.”_

**Gravity Falls, OR: Today**

From an objective perspective this wasn’t the best week Ford had ever had. Still, it was better than any he’d experienced in a long time. 

The journals were hidden. The portal was largely disassembled (or, rather, blown up). Now all that was left was to hope this spell he’d found on a very sketchy sub-reddit would do the trick to keep a certain triangular menace from ever bothering him again. 

Sure, it called for a circle of flash drives instead of candles and required Ford to track down an old Xbox controller cable to symbolically bind himself to a representation of his enemy (he’d chosen a bright yellow Furby based on how creepy they always looked). But he was banking on magic spells being the sort of thing that evolved in the same way technology did. Bill was an ancient demon. Surely he wouldn’t bother to pay attention to minutiae of modern spellcasting, right? 

Carefully, Ford began the cant of empowerment and tried very hard not to feel stupid as he did so. “At first I was afraid. I was petrified. I kept thinking that I could not live without you by my side.” 

At this point he wrapped the cord around wrists and tied the other end to the Furby, focussing very hard on his earlier memories with Bill. The times when he had felt so honored and then so afraid that Bill might leave him for some other genius if he didn’t do the work Bill wanted.

“But then I spent so many nights,” he sighed, “thinking about how you wronged me. I grew strong and I learned...um...how to survive.” He loosened the cord and thought about the horrible weeks after he had learned Bill’s true intentions and had to fight tooth and nail to keep Bill from using his own body against him. Then he spared a thought to try and recall how the stupid song went. 

“So now you’re back, from outer space. I just dadada dada...look on your face…” This wasn’t really the important part. What really mattered was the feeling behind it. Ford let himself fill with all the anger and indignation and humiliation he’d gone through for the past month and imagined it all flowing into the cable, down from his hands, and then tightly wrapping around the Furby. 

He was getting into the proper frame of mind for this now. He let his voice rise up and fill the whole lab where it echoed like the wrath of an avenging angel. “Go on now, go! Walk out of the door! Go turn around because you are not welcome anymore! Are you not the one who tried to break me with good-bye? Did you think I would _crumble_? Did you think I would lay down and die? Nay! Not I! I! Will! Survive!”

And with that he cut through the cord with a specially enchanted knife and watched with satisfaction as the Furby lit up with a bright blue flame. The toy let out an alarming whine. Ford carefully stepped away from it, out of the protective circle. The fire didn’t last long but by the time it was down the Furby’s motor had melted and all its fur was a mere memory.

Ford sighed with relief. _Something_ had happened at least. He only hoped it would be enough. He was nearly delirious from how little he had slept in the last few weeks. He stumbled to the elevator and nearly fell asleep on the way to his bedroom. He crashed onto his pillow and didn’t even bother to removed the various papers that cluttered the bed. His last thought before lost consciousness was a wish.

_I really hope I just have normal nightmares for once._

To his surprise and delight, he did. In fact, he had one of the best rests he’d ever known. It wasn’t until the next afternoon that Ford found a new reason to be filled with a murderous rage. 

At 4:03 PM he checked his e-mail. He had a message from an address he didn’t know. The subject line said “I thought you might want to see this….” Curious, he opened it and found a link and image for an Ebay listing...one for an extremely familiar journal. 

Ford’s right eye started to twitch. “That’s it. I’m finally ready to commit fratricide.” 

He slammed down his coffee mug and stormed out the door. He didn’t care if he had to drive across the whole country to do it. He was going to _kill_ Stanley Pines.


	2. Means and Ends

**Chapter Two**

**Two Years Ago**

It was pretty easy for one night on a couch to turn into a month. That was the point where Stan calmed down to mostly trust that his roommate wouldn’t kill him in his sleep. He decided to make things official, buy a second-hand bed and start actually settling in. It wasn’t hard. Mika didn’t have a lot of stuff. 

Honestly, there wasn’t a lot to Mika in general. She was quiet. She slept too much and ate too little. Her voice was always a little hollow. Not exactly the best company. It wasn’t hard to tell that life had hit her hard, but she also wasn’t big on talking about herself.

Stan could live with that. Her problems weren’t really his issue. He stuck around because she got him groceries and didn’t charge him rent. After a week she’d even let him use her laptop to look up local jobs that were hiring. Craigslist got you some weird listings, but at least he didn’t need to do a background check for them. 

In fact, it wasn’t long before Stan had decorated the apartment more than Mika had. Stan had a bed, a pile of clothes, a mirror, and a couple of movie posters he’d sweet-talked an usher to get. Mika had a bed, a dresser, the living room couch, and boxes. Dozens of boxes. It was a little cardboard city in her room. At first Stan had wondered if she was just slow at unpacking, but she didn’t touch a single one in that whole first month. It was kind of creepy. Sometimes Stan had nightmares that the boxes were filled with jars of eyes or a huge collection of teeth. 

One night he woke up in a cold sweat. He’d dreamed the boxes were full of drugs and puppies and the cops were at the door. It had felt far too real for comfort. He had to see what was in at least one of those damn boxes if he wanted to get back to sleep. 

He stepped out of his room and checked the front door. Mika’s shoes were gone. It wasn’t unusual. She was a night owl and she liked to go for long walks in the dark. Or maybe she was going on dates. Or she was a vampire hunting for victims. Stan shook his head and reminded himself that it was, still, not his problem. What mattered was he had time to do a little snooping.

Still, he was careful when he opened the door to her room. The bed was unmade and obviously empty. He sighed in relief and grabbed a box at random. 

He almost dropped it immediately. The thing weighed a ton! What the hell was she hiding in there? Stan swore under his breath and lugged it over to the bed. The mattress sagged more under the box than it did under him.

It was sealed closed with tape, so Stan knew he’d have to peel it carefully if he wanted it to look undisturbed when he was done. Unfortunately, there is no earthly way to remove tape from a cardboard box quietly. 

The tape shrieked a war cry as Stan pulled off three inches of it. “Shit!” 

“What are you doing?”

Stan liked to think of himself as a smooth operator, always cool under pressure. The yelp he let out as he flew back at seeing Mika did not help maintain that image. Though, to be fair, she had just appeared about a foot away from him.

“Where the hell did you come from?!”

Mika tilted her head back, indicating the space behind her. “I was in the closet. I like to be in small spaces sometimes. Why are you going through my things?”

It took a moment for Stan to process what she’d said. She just looked so….not angry. So not anything. She looked like she barely even cared that he’d invaded her privacy and was clearly planning to dig around in her things. Everything in Stan’s brain told him he should get tossed on the street for this, but his gut said he could just put the box down, leave the room, and close the door and it would be like nothing had happened. 

Somehow that image freaked him out even more than his nightmare had. He finally cracked. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are so weird and mysterious and shit?”

For the first time in weeks Mika showed an emotion. She looked surprised. “I’m not mysterious.”

Stan snorted. “LIke hell you aren’t! I’ve been here a month and I barely know a damn thing about you! You go days without talking. You don’t say where you go or what you do. You even wear the same outfit everyday!”

She looked down at her clothes. “Alright, I do wear this hoodie a lot, but I promise I wear a different set of jeans every few days.”

“Whatever! You’re practically a ghost! Why is everything about you a secret? Are you on the run? Are you in the witness protection program?”

She shrugged. “Nah. I don’t keep secrets. You just never asked me anything.”

“Never asked…” Stan slapped his forehead. He had definitely asked her questions. Nice buddy questions like ‘So how do you like this town?’, ‘Do you need some cash to pay for the groceries?’, and ‘Do you know a good place to get a drink around here?’ Her replies had been ‘It exists’, ‘No’, and a long, lingering stare until he’d gotten uncomfortable and gone to find a bar on his own.

Fine. He play at twenty questions if that was what it took. “Okay...what’s your job?”

“I make puzzles.”

“What, like jigsaw puzzles?”

“No.”

Stan waited but she didn’t elaborate. He sighed. “What do you make the puzzles for?”

“For my victims. I like to trap strangers in a room and not let them out unless they solve all my nefarious riddles.”

Time stretched out for a long moment as Stan stared into Mika’s dead eyes and tried to decide if he should make a run for the door. He’d known this whole set-up was too good to be true! He was living with some Jigsaw-wannabe serial killer and with his luck he was either gonna wind up murdered or framed for her crimes! Geez, did anyone even know he was living here? He didn’t exactly have local friends and...and Mika was giggling.

It wasn’t even an evil giggle. It was the small, delighted laugh of someone who couldn’t believe how well their prank was going. 

“You asshole! You scared the hell out of me!” Stan’s heart wasn’t in it though. He couldn’t be mad when he was finally seeing her smile for the first time. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry!” Mika raising her hands in front of her. “You just looked so freaked out! Did you really think you were living with a movie villain? Who says ‘nefarious’ in real life?”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. It wasn’t like I had a lot of information to draw on, you know.” Stan leaned back and the motion caused the box next to him to press against his side, reminding him of its weight. “So what’s up with these boxes? Do they have your rock collection in ‘em or something?”

Mika picked up the box beside him and with a heft of effort balanced it on one leg to open it. The lids popped open, revealing a great pile of…

“Books,” Stan said flatly. After all his nightmares it was full of one of the most boring things in the known universe. 

“A _lot_ of books,” Mika clarified. She carefully put the box and stroked a cover fondly. It was ‘The Gentleman’s Guide to Formal Dining’. “I have a whole section on etiquette, but I’m guessing you wouldn’t be too interested in that. For you, I’m thinking…” She fished around, pulling out piles and piles of books. “Here we go! An adventure!” She held it out to him proudly. “You look like an adventure sort of guy.”

Stan stared at the book, then glanced back up at Mika. Oh god, she looked almost...giddy. There was still an edge of sadness to her expression, a void that just wasn’t front and center for the moment. And it was all because she thought she could get him to read a book. 

“Er, sorry, reading’s never really been my thing. Thanks for the offer though.” He braced himself for her to look disappointed. What he got was worse.

Instead, Mika fixed him with a steely gaze and smiled with a grin that showed too many of her teeth. “Oh, they all say that at first. Let me read you a few chapters. Trust me. You’ll be hooked by then.”

Stan sighed. “Fine, if it’ll make you happy. But just this once, alright?”

Her only reply was a crafty smile.

_**Rig Your Role: Episode 1** _

_EI: Welcome listeners! I can only assume you’ve come to join us today from the distant future, where this show is a hit all over the internet. I hope you enjoy hearing this: our humble beginnings._

_NGN: You’re really setting the bar high, aren’t you?_

_EI: I thought you’d appreciate it. Think big or go home, right? And that’s the point of this show, listeners. You see, we’re a couple of con artists…_

_NGN: What?! Nope! Definitely not true! There is certainly no reason to go looking into our criminal records, especially not in certain South American countries!_

_EI:.....Well, that’s something I did not know and will make no effort to think about again! No, I meant we’re more metaphorical con artists._

_NGN: Cut it out. I don’t want to go to metaphorical jail either._

_EI: *sigh* Okay. Let me simplify it. We’re liars, manipulators, and opportunists. We’re folks who like to find a system and make it break. It’s not about breaking the law which, I should specify, we don’t actually do….as far as I’m aware._

_NGN: Stop looking at me like that!_

_EI: We are what I like to call Life Hackers, and we’re here to make your life easier. We’re not going to tell you how to stick a straw through a strawberry or keep your cords untangled though. We’re about bigger things._

_NGN: How to bluff your way through a job interview, how to work a crowd so they throw money at you…_

_EI: And the biggest con of all…_

_NGN &EI: How to make everyone think you’re okay!_

_NGN: We’re not healthy people._

_EI: But we’ve got charisma!_

_NGN: If your life has come down to a roll of the dice, we’re here to help you rig it! Get it? Did you see what I did there?_

_EI: It was lovely, Nick. Very smooth. Anyway! For our first episode, I thought we’d outline the basic philosophy we’ve hashed out. Step one: what’s your goal? The big one, not just what’s in front of you._

_NGN: Step two: what rules do you have to follow to get what you want?_

_EI: And step three…_

_NGN &EI: How’re you gonna cheat? _

_EI: We’ll give you more details as we go. Just remember, authority is an illusion we’ve all agreed on. Sometimes breaking the rules is the only way to survive. Sometimes though, if you’re lucky, it’s a hell of a lot of fun too._

 

**Present Day**

Luckily for Ford, he didn’t actually have to drive across the country. He was ten minutes into his vengeance crusade when he remembered that airplanes existed. Several hours later he was in the air, trying to decide what adjective would best describe his all-consuming righteous rage. By the time he’d landed, he’d decided on ‘thunderous’. 

Honestly, what was _wrong_ with Stanley? Ford have given him that journal with the specific warning that the fate of the world was at stake and he turned around to sell it for a quick buck?! He wasn’t even charging a good price! Years of the chronicles of Ford’s work was worth far more than fifty dollars! It was true that it was unlikely anyone could rebuild the portal with only ⅓ of the design, but there was plenty else in that book that could be deadly in the wrong hands. It was a good thing Stan had been out of his life for so long. Who knew what other damage he might have done over the last ten years?

“Hey! Dude! I said we’re here! Are you going to pay me or what?”

Ford blinked and brought himself back to reality. Sure enough, his cab driver had brought him to an apartment complex that looked likely to correspond to the address his mother had given him. He paid the driver and stepped out into the cold February air. It was dark out, the middle of the night really. Perhaps it would have been better to come here in the morning.

He suddenly found he didn’t want to be here. All he’d thought about for weeks was being free of Bill and then for the last several hours he’d focused all his energies on how angry he was with Stan. Now he was alone in the cold, surrounded by a dead silence and the orange glow of streetlights. He felt...quiet. Human. Vulnerable. He’d flown across the country to pick a fight, but suddenly his most pressing thought was how long it had been since he’d touched another person, since a cold winter night had felt normal and safe. 

There were open walkways on each floor in front of the apartments. Ford walked in front of the building and spotted the door for 8B. His brother was in there, probably asleep with no idea Ford was right outside. 

How dare he?

How dare Stan have an apartment across the country from where the world had almost ended? How dare he have peaceful sleep in a quiet town where he could feel safe and comfortable while Ford battled for his life and sanity? Ford didn’t begrudge Stan having a normal life, but for him to have all that and then _reluctantly_ do a little thing like protect a book that just happened to be Ford’s _life’s work_? To take a tome that Ford had literally bled for more times than he could count and then try to _sell it_?

Ford didn’t care what time it was anymore. He stormed up the stairs and banged on Stanley’s door. It was more of a punch than a knock. He needed the practice, after all. 

The wind blew out of his sails when a pretty punk woman opened the door.

Ford’s face went red. “Oh! I’m, I’m so sorry! It looks like I have the wrong address! I’ll just...go somewhere else.”

The woman stared at him in surprise for a moment, then burst into a wide grin. “Oh, hi! You must be Stanford! I wasn’t expecting you to get here so soon. Please, come in!”

He didn’t come in. Instead Ford kept staring, trying to put the pieces together. “Um. I’m looking for my brother? Stanley Pines?”

“Yup! He lives here. He’s working an overnight shift tonight so he’ll be a while. But seriously, please come in. It’s freezing out there.”

Abruptly Ford remembered his manners and stepped inside. The woman extended her hand and he shook it reluctantly. He was still a bit nervous about handshakes these days.

“I’m Mika. It’s nice to meet you.” She smiled and it looked a little mischievous, with a matching glint in her eyes. It suited her look, what with her half-shaved blue hair and Alice in Wonderland shirt proclaiming the benefits of madness. Still, she seemed nice at least.

She wasn’t the sort of person Ford would have expected to find in Stanley’s home. She wasn’t the only odd thing either. They’d stepped into a small living room that led into a kitchen. There were ordinary things like a couch, a coffee table, and a television, but besides that the walls were hidden behind an alarming number of bookcases, all bursting with books.

He really should have returned Mika’s greeting. Instead the first thing out of his mouth was, “Stanley doesn’t _read_.”

Mika didn’t seem to mind. “Not much, I have to admit. I’ve never been able to give him the bug. We have a lot of fun with me reading stories aloud though. It’s a popular pastime in our home.” 

Ford looked at her more critically. “And you’re...You’re not his girlfriend are you?”

She shook her head and grinned. “Best friend and roommate. You’re far from the first person to ask though. We’ve lived together for a few years now.” She sat down on the couch and picked up a mug from the coffee table. Ford wasn’t very up to date on, well, a lot of things, but he did recognize the mug’s rainbow pattern as a gay pride flag, which answered a few questions at least.

He hastily began to scan the bookshelves just in case Stan had left the journal in plain sight. That would save him some stress at least. 

“You’re not really a man of many words, are you?” Mika said with a bit of a tease in her voice. 

Ford blushed. Right. Social interaction. That was a thing most people expected. “My apologies. It’s been a long day. I hadn’t expected to come out here today.”

“I know.”

“And my visit isn’t exactly a social one. I have important business with Stanley.”

“Yeah, but not the business you think.”

Alright, this was starting to get weird. Or maybe it had been weird from the beginning. Ford knew his mind still wasn’t back to 100% yet, but he tried to really focus on Mika. She was staring at him over the lip of her mug, smiling like a cat looking forward to playing with her prey.

“What exactly do you mean?” Ford asked cautiously. “How did you know to expect me? I didn’t tell anyone that I was coming.”

“Well…” she teased out the word into a long stretch. “You see, from everything Stan’s told me about you I knew you were a pretty impulsive guy when you got riled up. That’s why I sent you that e-mail about your book being for sale. I figured you would be here in a few days, tops.”

Ford narrowed his eyes. Given the way she was still grinning at him in malicious delight, he didn’t think he should be thanking her. “So, you wanted to tell me what Stanley had done?”

“Oh, no. Yeah, I should probably clear that up before you see each other. I don’t want to give you another reason to fight. That was all me. I took the journal from Stan, put it up for sale, then contacted you about it. You have fallen for my nefarious trap!”

Immediately Stanford’s heart began to race. He backed away. His eyes darted around the room looking for enemies, weapons, a means of escape. What had he gotten himself into now? Did Stanley even live here? 

Mika winced. “Oh. Whoops. Did I make that too creepy? I was going for more of an amusing puppet-master kind of vibe. Don’t get me wrong, I hate your guts, but I don’t want to give you a panic attack. Stan did mention you were a little high strung when he saw you.”

Something inside of Ford snapped in that moment. A puppet-master? He had had enough puppet-masters to last him an eternity. This woman had tricked him into a cross-country journey that was a complete waste of his time after weeks of madness, torture, and betrayal and now she had the nerve to call him _high strung_?

“Listen to me you florescent-haired fool!” He jabbed a finger in her direction. “I’m not about to sit here and waste my time playing whatever sick little games you’ve come up with! You have no idea what sort of hell I’ve been through! I am done with being tricked! Now give me back my journal _right now_ or I swear you will regret it!”

To Ford’s disappointment Mika looked far from intimidated. In fact she looked bored. At least she had stopped smiling though. Carefully, she put her mug back on the coffee table, stood up, and crossed her arms. 

“If I did give it back, would you even stay long enough for Stanley to come home?”

Ford hesitated and that seemed to be enough of an answer for Mika. “I didn’t think so. Stanford, you’re right that I don’t know what you’ve been going through. Maybe it really is as bad as you’re implying. I really don’t care. All I care about is the fact that you apparently broke your brother’s heart without so much as a second thought. If you don’t do something to set things right, you’re never going to see your journal again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying the story so far. As you've probably noticed, I kinda have three storylines going at once. I'd appreciate everyone's thoughts on the different sections as well as any questions or suggestions for things you'd like to see. I was planning for this chapter to go on a bit longer, but it was already massive! Next time you can expect more drama, confrontations, and bit of silliness!
> 
> See you soon!


	3. Growth and Destruction

**Chapter Three**

**Present Day**

“Now I know you two have been apart for a long time. Ten years is a lot of catching up to do and there’s a lot even I don’t know about the first eight of it. So, to make things easier...I made you a scrapbook!”

Mika proudly held up a very full binder with the words _The Life and Times of Stanley Pines_ written across the front. The pages bulged unevenly where items had apparently been glued in. “This baby’s got pictures, journal entries, scorecards, samples of ashes, everything you need to know about Stan’s life for the last two years.” She flipped it open to the front. “It’s a bit of reading, but I can take you to the important parts to get started.”

Ford continued to stare at her in bewilderment. She was trying to make him her...emotional hostage? Or rather, the journal was the hostage until Ford spoke to Stanley and somehow convinced this madwoman that they were the happiest of brothers. It was absurd. 

“This is absurd!” Ford reached out and knocked the scrapbook from Mika’s hands. “My relationship with my brother is none of your business. He and I made our choices long ago and have pursued the lives that best suited us. Whatever stories he may have told you to the contrary, he is the one who caused us to part ways and I see now I was right maintain that separation. If you’re the sort of company he keeps, then I want nothing to do with him!” 

They were harsh, dramatic words. Ford quickly glanced over his shoulder. It would be just his luck if Stan had walked in at just that moment. There was nothing. Then he turned back and saw Mika glaring at him with the angriest expression he’d ever seen. 

“Wow,” she said in a low tone. “I knew you were an idiot, but I never guessed it was this bad.”

Ford bristled at the insult. “You don’t know--”

“Shh!” She put a finger to his lips, which was startling enough to actually make him be quiet. “I’m quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to your brother. Which, considering, is pretty sad. I met him living out of his _car_ , Ford. I met him when he was barely surviving from day to day and wondering if should bother to keep living. Do you _really_ think that’s the life best suited him? The life he _chose_?”

Blood drained from Ford’s face. Stan was homeless? Suicidal? Surely she was exaggerating. He took a step back. “Well...I…”

“No!” Mika pushed forward and this time covered Ford’s mouth with one hand and used the other to point at him. Her voice was still deadly quiet. “Stan told me what happened at that little science fair of yours and it’s the stupidest story I’ve ever heard. Your father was a monster for throwing him out, but you? You had a chance to be better. You had ten years of chances to reach out to your _best friend_ and at least make sure he was _alive_. Instead you just left him to rot.”

She wagged her finger and pointed it so close to Ford’s face that his eyes started to cross. “Do you have any idea how much Stan’s missed you? Every. Day. Every day since he left he’s worked to try and make amends. Every day his one wish has been to find some way to bring two of you back together again. Every _damn_ day I’ve known him I’ve been trying to give Stan an _ounce_ of self esteem. To make him believe that he’s more than the guy that ruined his brother’s life. Then, finally, one day it seemed like it was going to come true.”

Ford could see where the story was going now. He’d written to Stanley, obviously in a state of desperation and begging for help. Stan thought there was hope for them to reconcile and had arrived to find Ford too focused on _saving the world_ to think about anything else. Ford supposed that could have upset him a bit.

He stepped back again to get away from Mika’s hand. “Alright, so you’re saying that Stanley is angry and you think I owe him an apology. Is that it?”

“Oh, you owe him plenty of apologies. There’s no doubt about that. Ideally I’d even like you to become friends again.” Mika pressed closer still. Now she was just a breath away and Ford was nearly falling into the bathroom. “But what I want most of all is for you to admit to Stanley that your stupid little invention was never going to work in the first place.”

What in the world? Was she still talking about the science fair? And she had the nerve to doubt him through second-hand information? It raked at his professional pride. 

“Now you _really_ have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said with a sneer. “Are you a scientist? Did you see my blueprints? I hardly think you’re qualified to evaluate the effectiveness of a perpetual motion device, let alone one you’ve never seen. That’s why people like me are _supposed_ to go to West Coast Tech and people like you _don’t_.”

He was satisfied to see he’d finally landed a blow. Mika looked shocked and blushed intensely. Still, she refused to give up any ground. “Well, maybe I’m not some fancy acclaimed physicist, but I’m smart enough to notice that we’re not exactly living off of unlimited free energy out here! I haven’t heard of so much as a toaster being powered by perpetual energy and, considering that’s basically the Holy Grail of physics, I think some people might have mentioned it!”

Now it was Ford’s turn to blush. He thought back to all the pride he’d had in his little high school invention. “It’s not that simple…”

“Sure it is,” Mika said with a light laugh that Ford deeply hated. “Here’s how I see it. Either you invented a perpetual motion machine when you were 17-years-old but your mean ol’ brother broke it and made you so sad that you couldn’t even _stand_ to think of all the fame and acclaim you’d get if you just rebuilt the thing...or you made a neat machine that would have spun for a while, maybe hours or even days, but just couldn’t beat that gosh darn friction.” She swung her arm to the side in an ‘aw, shucks’ motion.

“Unless…” Mika put a finger to her lips and looked thoughtful. “Hmm. You weren’t bought out by the oil companies, were you? Are you part of some anti-clean energy conspiracy?”

“Don’t be absurd!”

“Aha!” She smiled triumphantly. “So then it’s true that you’re either selfish or or not as smart as you said you were! Which is it?”

Ford scowled. Inside he felt like groaning. What had he done to deserve this? All of this? Ten years ago all he’d wanted was to learn and share his knowledge with the world. When had it turned into all his friends betraying him? When had it turned into perfect strangers looking at him like he was evil incarnate? Was this going to be his life from now on? The world endlessly rubbing his face in his failures? No one understood how hard he tried. No one would ever understand how he might have changed the world.

It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. 

He glared back at Mika. “Why are you so determined to make me into a villain? Is that really the best you can do?”

Mika’s eyes flashed. “This is _not_ about _YOU!_

By now they were wedged into a little square of hallway, with the bathroom open behind Ford and closed doors to their left and right. As soon as Mika yelled Ford heard a heavy thump from behind the door to his right. Ten years melted away in an instant. It didn’t matter how much time past. Stanford knew the sound of his brother rolling out of bed. 

Frantically, Ford looked back at Mika. “I thought you said he wasn’t home!”

She smirked and shrugged. “Yeah. I lied.”

There was no time to run before Stanley Pines opened his bedroom door and stared at Ford in complete bewilderment. 

 

**Two Years Ago**

Stan always felt more comfortable when he knew what the system was. Mika’s system was weird, but simple. You couldn’t imply stuff around her. You had to say things straight out. For a week or two Stan had tried saying things like “You sure you’re eating enough?” and “I’m going to get a pizza. What do you think?” but she would always worm her way around what he really wanted to know. Pounding on her door and yelling for her to eat a few times a day worked a lot better.

They were three months in now and Stan was starting to wonder if he might have really found a home. He had a few odd construction jobs that kept him fed, if not exactly rich, and they were in a small city that was supposed to get a bunch of tourists in the summer. He was already trying to think of scams, er, plans he could pull off to start bringing in some big bucks. Best of all, no one here was trying to kill him!

There was another thing though. He had to admit he had a soft spot for Mika. There was something broken in her. She didn’t talk down about herself, at least not out loud, but Stan knew that look she always wore way too well. She needed a friend and Stan could tell he was doing something good every time he made her laugh at one of his jokes. 

They even went outside together sometimes. It was never for very long. Mika got overwhelmed easily. Sometimes it was crowds or noise. Other times she would just stop and sit down somewhere and curl in a ball. She never explained why and Stanley didn’t ask. He’d just take her back home, joking the whole way.

Alright, it did make her an awkward roommate. She disappeared whenever he brought a date or even someone from work home. And asking her to clean stuff up was always a gamble. Some days she could do the dishes just fine and other days she’d wash one plate then freeze for ten minutes watching water run off her hands. 

The only way to get her to talk was when they read books together. Specifically, Mika read aloud to Stan, often while he was drawing up some new tourism scheme. She was damn good at it, making all the right parts dramatic or funny, giving all the characters their own voices. She also had a real knack for finding stories that Stan could really get into. His favorites were the Bloody Jack books, but Mika had also pulled him into some great mysteries and even romance novels. 

Sometimes they took the books seriously. Other times they had a blast tearing the stories apart. Mika went out of her way to find the most ridiculous plots she could find and both of them would interrupt the narrative with so many jokes they could barely get through a chapter. Mika smiled the most then. 

She also had a lot to say about her books, even the ones she swore Stan would never like. She could talk for hours about which plots were best, what she thought different things symbolized, or what was going on in history when a certain book was written. Stan didn’t really care about a lot of it, but it was nice to be able to listen to her.

It also made the cardboard city in her room start to disappear. 

He’d noticed it a few days after they’d started reading the first Bloody Jack book together. Mika had emptied all the books out of one box to find it. Instead of getting packed up again, those books had gone onto an empty bookcase in the corner of her room. It was just a little step, but she’d unpacked something all by herself. 

A week after that Stan came home with a pair of second-hand bookcases from the charity store. They weren’t much. They were just enough to hold a few more title, enough to unpack a few more boxes. Mika didn’t say anything when she saw them. Instead she stared then looked back at Stan uncertainly.

“Yup. They’re for you.” Stan rolled his eyes. “I mean, what the heck would I use them for?”

All at once Mika crushed him in a tight hug. She had never even touched him before. “Thank you. Thank you for being kind.”

Stan fussed and said it wasn’t a big deal and neither of them spoke of it again. Still, Stan’s heart swelled every time he saw new books fill up those shelves. One day he was going to make sure Mika didn’t have a single box left in her room.

 

**Present Day**

“Ford? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Don’t blame me! It’s all your ridiculous roommate’s fault!”

“Mika? Wait...Mika what the hell did you do?”

“I...may have threatened to sell your brother’s journal if he didn’t come here and try to make up with you.”

“What?! What the fuck!”

“Oh, come on! Like this is any different from the time you locked me in an elevator with my dad!”

“Hey! You two had that coming! You got us kicked out of a perfectly good mini-golf course!”

“That course was an eye-sore and a heteronormative hellscape! It wasn’t my fault Dad hadn’t absorbed third wave feminism!”

Ford pinched his nose and tried to tune out their yelling. How in the world did their neighbors stand these two? However, when a minute passed and Mika started talking about intersectionality he decided he had to interrupt. “Stanley, it’s your choice if you’ve decided to live with a madwoman, but can you please get her to give me back my journal? I’m exhausted and I still need to find a hotel.” 

They stopped arguing. Mika cringed and Stan looked at Ford with an inscrutable expression. Ford patiently waited and stared back. He had a feeling all their expressions had some deeper meaning. He was too tired to care. 

Finally Stan broke eye-contact. “Right. Fine.” He turned to Mika. “What’s your price?”

Mika bit her lip nervously. “Um...don’t you want to…? Okay. I understand. One hour. I want you two to sit and actually talk to each other for one hour. Alright?”

Stan let out a loud sigh. “Yeah, why not? It’ll kill one of us if it doesn’t get us both, you know.”

“Please, Stan. Please try. You know how important this is.” Her eyes looked a little misty. 

“No promises. Now get out and give us some space, will you?”

Mika nodded and put on her shoes, throwing one last warning look at Stanford before she left out the front door.

As soon as she was gone Ford exhaled in relief. “Finally! I thought she’d never leave!”

Stan chuckled. “Yeah, she can get a little scary when she sets out to do something.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “So, uh, do you want a beer or something? I think we’re gonna be in for a hell of a little chat.”

 

**90 Minutes Later**

Mika came home and was slightly surprised to see her apartment in complete wreckage. The only fortunate part was that her favorite books were still safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stan has learned to be a bit more mature in this continuity. Don't worry. He's not _that_ much more mature. 
> 
> Thank you everyone for your wonderful reviews so far. They mean the world to me and really motivate me to write and post more often. I'm thrilled that you guys are enjoying Mika so far! Like the Stans, she's a bit of sad, a bit of stubborn, and a lot of ridiculous!
> 
> Please let me know about any comments or questions you have! I'd love to know where you guys think this is all going!


	4. A Shocking Twist!

**Chapter Four**

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 15**

NGN: So the idea with your basic padlock is to use the tension wrench to move the cylinder just a little bit. That way when you poke at the pins they’ll snag on it and you’ll be able to just turn the whole thing and pop it open. It works on pretty much any padlock, but honestly nine times out of ten you’re better off just using a bolt cutter. 

EI: Great! Well, I hope that entirely auditory explanation without any visual aids was helpful for you listeners. 

NGN: Did _you_ learn anything at least?

EI: Not really. I already knew how to pick locks from my job.

NGN: Right. And what was that job again?

EI: Nefarious!

NGN: Of course. How could I forget? Anyway, what’s the next topic?

EI: It’s a bit of a different one this time. I thought we could talk about the virtues of crying.

NGN: What? You mean like how crying makes you feel good or something?

EI: Please. What sort of a rig would that be? I’m talking about using crying to get what you want.

NGN: Oh. Alright. That sounds like a chick thing. Like crying to get a guy to buy you a fancy necklace or something, right? I thought you’d be too big on feminism to pull that sort of thing. 

EI: Ergh! That is _not_ what I’m talking about! And quit calling women chicks! Look, it’s like this: sometimes people screw you over. Maybe it’s on purpose, but most of the time it’s not. It’s someone ‘just doing their job’ or taking out their bad mood on you or just not thinking things through. Anyway, they insult you or say something like “I’m sorry, I can’t find your insurance in our system” and suddenly your day is ruined.

NGN: Sure. But you’re saying crying about it is going to help?

EI: Exactly! People are human, dude. Most of the time if you rub their nose in how awful their being, folks will wake up and fall all over themselves to make things better. Anything to keep them from going home with the knowledge that they made someone cry today. It’s worked for me with friends, strangers, and a lot of doctors’ offices.

NGN: Eh, good for you, I guess. I still think it’s a chi--, um, thing for the ladies. If a guy tried that folks would just think he was a wimp. 

EI: I’ve thought about that. First of all, masculinity is toxic and ruins lives.

NGN: Yeah, you’ve mentioned that a few times…

EI: Secondly, it’s all about nuance! Anyone would be annoying if they were constantly crying at the drop of a hat. The trick is to know your dose. Does the situation call for concerned eyes? A hurt expression? How about a slightly panicked tone of voice? Full on tears are for extreme situations. Instead, I argue that the most powerful tool in your arsenal is the slightly hitched voice. Let me show you. Nick, say something mean to me. 

NGN: Er, that’s an awful shirt.

EI: *sobbing loudly* How could you say that? I just wanted to feel pretty for once and this is how you treat me?!

NGN: Ah! Stop that! You’re reminding me of my ex!

EI: You see? That’s too high a dose. Maybe I’d get you to apologize and be nicer to me, but you’d want to stay away from me after that. I’m too high maintenance and any little thing might ruin my day. Now, let’s try it with the hitched voice. 

NGN: Hey, your shirt looks like vomit. 

EI: ...Oh. I didn’t know you felt that way. I guess I cou--*voice cracks, clears throat* I guess I could get changed if that would make you happy. 

NGN: Ouch. You’re disturbingly good at that.

EI: Eh, I’ve had a lot of practice. People really seem to like insulting me. *pause* Anyway, we’ll save that for the pity episode. But did you see the difference in what I did there? What I conveyed wasn’t so much ‘You’re awful and I hate you!’ but rather ‘You have hurt me and I’m trying to be strong so you don’t find out.’ It’s useful because it makes the person you’re talking to feel bad, but also like they’re one with the power. They’ve seen through your armor, figured out what’s wrong, and have the chance to make things right. 

NGN: That’s clever. What does it have to do with guys being able to pull it off?

EI: I think men might actually actually have an advantage with this one. Everyone expects guys to be tough and stoic all the time, so if you hitch your voice a bit it let’s people know that the situation is Really Serious. After all, a big manly man wouldn’t get that upset over nothing, right? Maybe there’s even something more going on! Oh god, is there anything I can do for you? I didn’t realize your life was so hard right now. Let me pet your cheek and comfort you…

NGN: Hey! Quit touching me.

EI: Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. 

NGN: Anyway, you’ve got a nice theory but I don’t think it’s for me. It’d feel weird to get all emotional and stuff in front of someone. 

EI: Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. Remember Nick, when you’re living the rigging lifestyle pride will be your downfall every time. 

 

**Ninety Minutes Ago**

 

Stan drank his beer quickly. Ford just held his, willing his fingers not to squeeze tight enough to dent the can.

When they were children it had always been easy to tell their story. It was a familiar one. They were twins, but different. They were brains and brawn, awkward and social, cowardly and tough. It was easy for other people to hear Stanley wanted red and assume Stanford wanted blue. When they were kids it was easy to let those definitions rule them because adults knew what they were talking about, didn’t they?

There were things they didn’t bother to question. Stanford was hopeless in a fight. Stanley was an idiot. All of their qualities were ingrained and simply growing from the seeds that had been planted in the womb. There was no point in trying harder, trying again, trying differently. They knew themselves and they knew each other and they knew how they fit together.

Sadly, they didn’t know that those images they had didn’t match. They didn’t find that out until it was too late. 

If a child burns her hand badly in a fire, it’s understandable if she’s afraid of flames for the rest of her life. The same is true of less literal burns. Ten years ago Stanley and Stanford Pines had both been wrong about each other. They had been wrong and done wrong. It had shaken them both so badly that even a decade was not enough to shake away the pain. It was like a burn on the heart. 

That’s why it was strange, and a little sad, that their thoughts were the same just then. They were both on edge, tired, and afraid. They were both thinking one question more than any other. 

_Do you still hate me?_

Neither of them had the courage to say it.

“So, uh, sorry about Mika,” Stan finally mumbled. “I didn’t know what she was up to when she asked to take a look at your book. I swear, I wouldn’t have inconvenienced you like this.”

“Of course. Um, yes, I’d gathered that this was her idea.” Ford kept looking at his can. The top was open. The air was free to move a bit as he pressed the sides in and let them pop out again. “Where...How did you find her? She said that you met...Were you really…”

Stan winced. Mika had a habit of being very vocal and very blunt. He could guess what she’d said. “Yeah, I was living in the Stanmobile for a little bit. It’s not really a big deal. She just helped me out of a rough patch and it made sense for us to live together.”

A week ago Stan had spent a long flight from Oregon mentally screaming at Ford. He’d detailed every horrible thing he’d done and had done to him since their dad threw him out. He’d been in prison! Had to chew his way out of a trunk! Been married for a few hours before his wife stole his car! He’d nearly died from hunger, cold, sleep deprivation, and outright murder! How could Ford have just let all that happen to his own twin?

Now...it wasn’t that simple. Now Ford was here, finally here, but clearly against his own will. Stan was practically shaking with fear that he’d scare his brother off again. He could survive saying being homeless was no big deal. If only Ford would just look at him. 

“So...Did you deal with that thing that was stressing you out? Fate of the world or whatever?”

That got a reaction at least. Ford let out an enormous sigh and slid down the couch until his head was halfway down the backrest. He then finally took a sip of beer. “You know, it _does_ all go back to that science fair and not getting into my dream school.” 

Stan’s heart sank. “What does?”

“Everything.” Ford waved his hand vaguely. “I made do at Backupsmore and I was the best student they’d ever seen. Maybe at West Coast Tech I wouldn’t have stood out so much. Backupsmore gave me whatever I wanted. They let me simultaneously study a dozen curriculums. They gave me an absurdly huge grant to investigate a field most of the world thinks is a load of baloney. That was the only reason I wound up in Gravity Falls. And if I’d never gone _there_ I never would have met _him_.”

Stan winced. When he’d gone out to see Ford his brother had been a smelly, paranoid wreck. If one person had done that to Ford he had to be a real piece of work. “Who is this guy, Ford? What did he do to you?”

“He…” Ford still wouldn’t stop staring at his can. For a moment Stan saw a flash of emotion on his face. It was pain, mixed with regret. An instant later it was gone, replaced by Ford’s usual serious and logical expression. He stood up sharply and began to pace. He couldn’t possibly be drunk yet, but he was start to move like he was. 

“You know, Stanley, I always suspected I was destined for great things. This is a fairly common belief among children, but for me it had some merit. I always had more potential than anyone in our town knew what to do with. You were there. I’m sure you remember.”

He took another sip. “It came as no real surprise that I succeeded so well once I was out of New Jersey and had a...better environment to work with. I also wasn’t really surprised when I was contacted by a being from another dimension.” Here he finally looked at Stan and waited for him to react. 

Unsurprisingly, Stan looked skeptical. “...Okay, sure. What did the, uh, alien have to say?”

Ford scowled darkly. “Everything I expected him to.”

_You’re one-of-a-kind Fordsy! You’re going to change the world! I’ve never seen a genius like you. You’re the best friend a guy could have._

“He used me, Stanley. He tricked me and it nearly ended the world as we know it. Perhaps I seem to be raving now, but if I had any sort of destiny, if I have been any sort of hero, it was accomplished by thwarting that monster. Now I suppose I must focus on deciding what the epilogue of my life shall be.”

Stan slapped at his forehead and let his hand slowly slide down his face. “Alright, listen, I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about anymore. I’m trying to do the whole patient listening thing, but ya gotta explaining things so they make sense! Just what were you _doing_ in that weird town? Who’s this guy who was hassling you? What’s this all got to do with _aliens_?”

“He’s not an alien; he’s an extradimensional being.”

“Gee, well that clears _everything_ up! Is this really what I’m in for an hour of? ‘Cause if it is, I think I’d rather have us shut up and get drunk instead.” 

Ford glared at him. Clearly Stan was as childish as ever. Ford was _trying_ to explain everything. He’d always meant to at some point. But how was one supposed to believably explain the existence of the supernatural and all its consequences, let alone the malevolent nature of Bill under these circumstances? Stan was right about one thing, it certainly _would_ be easier to get drunk.

Wait. They’d never been drunk together before, had they? Stan had been kicked out before they were old enough to drink. 

The thought made Ford’s heart ache suddenly. He quickly pushed it to the back of his mind. There were a lot of things they’d never done together and it was all because Stan had been stupid and selfish and broken Ford’s invention at the science fair. It was a story as smooth and reused as a riverstone. Unfortunately, for the first time in years, Ford had been forced to see a crack in that stone. 

He hadn't thought about the perpetual motion device for years. It was a painful memory and Ford prefered not to dwell on it. Now that he finally had a quiet second Mika's angry accusation came back to him. _Your invention didn't even work, did it?_ Ford had a remarkably good memory for facts. It only took a second to remember his schematics and basic plan. 

Of course it hadn't been a true perpetual motion device! He'd been a very smart teenager, but still limited by the resources and knowledge available at a public high school. He'd had some good ideas, but an incomplete knowledge of the finer aspects of physics. The machine would spin, just not forever. Back then he hadn't been ready to change the world of science as he knew it. If he'd been sharing the story with Fiddleford they might have laughed about it. It was the sort of thing every emerging scientist did. Ford had heard plenty of stories from his fellow students about rocket-powered roller skates, attempts at pet resurrection, and even a prototype nuclear reactor in a garden shed. Everyone had a story like that. Years later they would look back and laugh at their less educated experiments and realize how it shaped them today. At some point Ford, without really thinking about it, had transitioned from thinking about his perpetual motion device as a real tangible to remembering it as a part of a naive childhood. It was best left behind. 

Stan had never had that privilege though, had he?

“Stanley….” There was a sudden tight knot in Ford’s gut. He tried to will it away. It was fine. They would have separated anyway. Stan was always holding him back. He was suffocating. He was the one people liked. Stan could charm anyone. Ford hadn’t done anything wrong! “Can we just look for my journal? I really don’t want to have to deal with you right now.”

Stan stared at him with wide eyes and a slack jaw. “Wow. Too bad I suck at the crying thing.” Then he reared up and punched his brother in the face. 

For the next twenty minutes anyone might have been able together Stanford and Stanley’s troubled history. They were screaming it.

“It was supposed to be you and me forever!”

“You just wanted to cling to me and have some idiotic adventure!”

“You sure didn’t mind me ‘clinging’ when I was the one keeping bullies off your back!”

“And you didn’t mind copying all my test answers!”

“At least I never turned my back on you! I never let you get thrown out on the streets!”

“Oh, don’t pretend it was all some sob story! You were fine! You’ve always been fine!”

“FINE?!” That followed by several loud crashes. “You have no idea what sort of hell I’ve gone through! I was a high school dropout without a home or a job! It what world is that _fine_?”

“You made a business! I saw those stupid commercials! Ma kept sending me the youtube links!”

“Wrong, Stanford. I made a dozen businesses. I tried every trick I could think of to get by and every one of them sank like a rock! Why do ya think I was living in my car?! I’m not fine! I haven’t been fine since the day you decided to toss me aside along with every dream we ever had! If I’m alive today it’s sure as hell no thanks to you, so why don’t you just get out of my life FOR GOOD?!” 

There was a harsh thud, then a crack. The apartment door splintered outward.

Inside Ford slid to the floor and rubbed his head where it had smashed against the door. Stan stood a few feet away. His face was red and he was breathing hard. He looked torn between anger and horror at what he’d just done. He’d kicked Ford in the gut, hard enough to dent the front door. What was wrong with him?

It was a very awkward time for someone to knock. 

At first first Stan just ignored the sound. It was probably just a pissed off neighbor looking to complain about the noise. After a moment the knocking stopped, only to be replaced by the sound of tapping at the window.

“HellooOOOOoooo!” said an overly chipper voice. Through the window Stan could see a smiling plump woman with thick, curly hair. He had no idea who she was.

“Fuck off!” Stan yelled in her direction. He needed to focus on Ford right now. He knelt beside his brother and examined his head. It wasn’t bleeding, but that didn’t mean Ford wouldn’t have a concussion. Carefully, Stan put his arm under Ford’s shoulder and and slowly pulled him up. “Can you talk, Sixer?”

Ford groaned. “I think I...Yes. I’m just a little battered. Can you get me to the couch?”

“Sure thing.” The maneuvering was tricky. Ford had gotten in a few good blows too. He was in better shape now than he’d ever been in high school. Still, Stan managed to get him sitting soon enough. 

Now if only that damn knocking would stop!

Whoever the woman was, she was persistent. She kept alternating between knocking at the door and calling through the window. Didn’t she see he was busy?

“Oh, do open up! I’ll only be a moment!”

Apparently not.

With a growl, Stan finally went to the door and threw it open. Outside he was surprised to see that the woman wasn’t alone. There was a short, skinny man next to her, smiling much too widely. Just going by his body, he shouldn’t have been intimidating. But there was something about him, something about his eyes, that felt wrong. A shiver ran down Stan’s back. What was going on here?

The man put a hand on Stan’s shoulder and squeezed tightly enough for it to hurt. “Hello Stanley, I’ve been looking…”

The man’s eyes rolled back and he collapsed face-first into Stan’s chest. He weighed about as much as a bag of wet noodles. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t very intimidating anymore.

“Eep! Kevin!” The woman cried out. She pulled her limp friend back up and pushed past Stan into the apartment. Ford watched them both in bafflement. “I’m _so_ sorry fellas! We had this whole _plan_ and it was going to be _dramatic_. Oh geez, Kevin is going to be so embarrassed when he wakes up!” 

She shuffled forward awkwardly until she got to a section of floor that was covered in debris from the fight then let Kevin flop out of her arms. His head bounced a bit. “Anyway! I’m here about the ebay listing! I’m afraid I just couldn’t wait for the bidding to be done! I’ve got plenty of cash on me, so could you just be a dear and get that pretty little book for me?”

The woman fished around in her purse and pulled out a wad of bills. Stan could see right away they were hundreds. Normally that would be enough to make him not ask questions, but unfortunately for this lady, Ford was one of the few things Stan valued more than easy cash.

“Sorry creepy stranger in my house in the middle of the night, but the journal ain’t really for sale. You and your buddy had better clear out.”

Ford looked at Stan with genuine surprise, which was both heart-warming and annoying. Had he really thought Stan was _that_ much of a jerk?

The woman looked between them uncertainly for a long moment, then sighed and put the money away. “Oh well, it was worth a try. Time for Plan B, I suppose.” She pulled something else out of her purse. 

Stan barely had time to recognize the taser before it was shooting him with enough volts to send him crashing to the floor. His vision went dim. The last thing he heard was the sound of several people running and Ford screaming his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Four chapters in and we are thisclose to being at the premise! Also, things have been pretty serious so far but for future chapters, well, let's just say I definitely remember that Gravity Falls is a very silly cartoon!
> 
> I hope you guys are still enjoying the story! It's about to become a wild ride!


	5. Showtime

**Chapter Five**

 

_Dear Stanley Pines’ Roommate,_

_Hi! Sorry the place is a mess. We did do the ol’ messy search-about, but I swear the door was cracked when we got here! Well, you probably don’t care about all that. The point is we’ve taken Stanley and Stanford hostage and we haven’t been able to find what we were looking for. Namely, the journal you were selling? The one with the shiney hand on the cover? Yes, please bring that along if you ever want to see your friend again. Thanks._

_Sincerely,_

_THE CIPHER’S WHEEL  
_

 

**Back Then**

They had their first real conversation while Melissa Etheridge played in the background. 

A few months back Stan never would have guessed it, but Mika could really sing. Not well at all, but dang, she could keep it up for hours! Stan rolled his eyes as she finished a passionate rendition of ‘Refugee’. Mika smacked him in return.

“You got a problem with my musical stylings?”

He snickered. “Well maybe I wouldn’t if you played the _good_ version of this song. You know, the one Tom Petty did _first_?”

“Bah!” She waved her hand dismissively. “That one isn’t nearly as good. It’s not gay enough.”

“Oh really? Are you saying you’re gay?”

“What, you think you have to be gay to appreciate a gay performer?”

Stanley quirked an eyebrow. “No, but I think you’re avoiding a question again.”

The boxes were almost gone and Mika was showing signs of a personality these days. She joked, she could take a friendly jab or two, she usually ate at least two meals a day. It was starting to look like she was on the rebound and he could get to know who she was when she wasn’t lost in a cloud of misery. He was also starting to wonder, well, what a lot of guys might wonder in his position. Could something happen between them?

Not now! Obviously not now. Geez, he still found her huddled on the floor of her closet some days, staring at her hands and crying. Her nails were long. Some days they left bright red scratches on her arms. No blood though. He was glad he’d never seen any blood.

But maybe someday soon she’d be more recovered and they’d get closer and...and kind of be a thing. Would that be wrong? It wasn’t like he was helping her out just to get in her pants! It was just that she smiled more now, the weather was warm, and she seemed like the sort of woman that could make a guy feel like he was safe and at home. It was what he’d always thought love should feel like. And they were already friends and living together. Wouldn’t everything be so easy if they fell in love too? It’d be like a movie. 

And...well...Alright, it would be like having a family again too.

So, the short of it was, Stan wasn’t just idly curious when he asked if Mika was gay. Any answer would be fine. It was just the sort of thing a fellow liked to plan around. 

Mika leaned against the doorframe to the kitchen and played with her fingers. They were double-jointed and she had a habit of stacking them. She looked sad. She closed her eyes. When she opened them she looked determined. 

“Let’s make it a game,” she said. “We’ve been dancing around some mysterious backstories for a while. Let’s play a game where everytime we answer a question we get to ask another one. You in?”

Damn. She’d trapped him in a cage of his own making! “Fine. But you gotta go first.”

She nodded. “I’m bi. A bit genderqueer. How about you?”

“Nah, I’m pretty boring. Not that the fellas ain’t clamoring for a piece of me!” Well, that was the easy answer anyway. Back when he’d been on the streets there’d been a lot of queer teens out there too. Sometimes it was easier to let them think he was one too. Sometimes he wasn’t completely sure he wasn’t. 

Okay, so there were a few nights of cuddles and some smooches. It wasn’t a big deal! Sometimes it was just nice to be warm. 

“Alright, my turn again!” Stan moved on before Mika could sniff out any Internalized Homophobia and make it into Something to Talk About. “Did you grow up around here?”

“No. Further south. By the ocean. Do you have any family?”

“....Well, good talk! Let’s do this again sometime. Sometime a looooong time from now.”

Stan left the room as fast as he could, just not fast enough to miss seeing the sudden spark of curiosity in Mika’s eyes. It didn’t give him a feeling of doom at the time. It really should have. 

 

**Now**

“Who are you maniacs?!” Ford yelled in outrage. He was blindfolded and tied to a chair. He didn’t know how many of them there were. There had been at least six when they’d stormed into the apartment to overpower him and drag out Stanley. Dear God, where was Stanley? Had he just been knocked unconscious? He couldn’t have died! Stan Pines was too tough for electricity!

“All shall be revealed soon enough!” yelled an ominous voice.

Then a quieter voice spoke up. “Hey, Carol? I know you have to watch the prisoners, but could you keep it down? You’re making it really hard to sleep over here.”

Prisoners? Did that mean Stan was still here? If he was, he had to still be knocked out. There was no way he wouldn’t have made himself known otherwise. What was going on? Was this Stan’s fault? Had he gotten on the wrong side of someone dangerous? Stanford wished it was that simple. He had a sinking feeling this kidnapping had nothing to do with _Stan’s_ mistakes.

That woman had wanted his journal. She’d been willing to resort to violence for it. Who was she working for and why did her organization want his work so badly? Ford suspected he already knew the answers to both questions. 

The first voice continued to speak. “You know, I really don’t like it when you undermine me in front of captives like that. Intimidation is an important part of our operation and when you get snippy it’s really not helping our dark master’s goals.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous! Everyone knows you’re scariest member of the team! That’s why you got that promotion. You _earned_ it.”

“Aw! Thank you, Helen! You really encourage a gal to reach for her full evil potential!”

Suddenly someone slapped Ford across the face. He could only assume it was Carol. It felt like a slap fuelled by team empowerment. He encountered those disturbingly often. The girl scouts of Gravity Falls were extremely serious about reaching their cookie sales quotas. He’d stood between them and a rafting trip. 

“You will bow before us and beg for mercy before we are through with you, foolish peon!”

Ford heard a groan behind him and was relieved to hear Stanley speak. “Where the hell am I? Did I drink too much at a leather club again?”

“Stan! Are you alright? A woman tasered you. She and her friends absconded with us somewhere. They want my journal. Whatever they do, you must not tell them where it is!”

For his part, Stan felt sure he had to be in a fever dream. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t see anything. All he could hear was Ford talking like they were in the middle of an adventure. The only thing that made him doubt he was really asleep was the incredible amount of pain he had in his chest. He tried to cobble his thoughts together so that anything could make sense.

The journal. Right. That stupid journal Ford loved so damn much. Well, it wouldn’t be hard to keep it away from these creeps seeing as he no idea where it was. They would have searched the apartment already, so it wasn’t there. Mika must have hidden it somewhere else. That meant it wouldn’t be long before she’d get pulled into this too. Stan scowled. He wasn’t fond of people hurting his family. 

“Alright you crud-for-brains! What’s going on here? Why the hell do you want that stupid, ratty book? And what’s with the blindfold? You scared to look me in the eye?” Stan shifted his weight experimentally. He and the chair weighed more than he expected. He snapped his head back and was satisfied when he heard Ford yelp as their skulls cracked together. “Hey Poindexter, are these idiots fans of yours? They want an autograph on one of your first editions?”

“I...I have no idea who they are.”

A new voice spoke, one that sounded familiar and yet still chillingly different. “Aw, don’t be like that Fordsy! You two have only just started talking again! It would be a shame to ruin it with _lies_ so soon.”

Ford stiffened. The vocal cords were different, but he would still know that voice anywhere. “No!” Hands removed his blindfold. He blinked, adjusting to the light. Above him was a tall woman he’d never seen before. She had eyes he had seen far too often. “Bill! No! How can you be here? I destroyed the portal! I severed our connection!”

Bill laughed and flung his body on a nearby table at an angle that didn’t look at all comfortable or natural. “You know what’s hilarious about you, Sixer? No matter how many times you get tricked, outsmarted, and betrayed you still think you’re the smartest guy in the room. I’ve been working on entering this dimension for _centuries_. Did you really think I was going to put my eggs in _your_ basket?”

He laughed long and hard, punched his body in the face, then laughed some more. “Oh, man. Did you know everyone feels pain a little differently? It’s a blast! Anyway, I’ve built myself up a little fanclub over the years.” He gestured around the room and for the first time Ford took in the strangers standing around them. There were about a dozen of them, all dressed in black, all looking at Bill with awe. 

Bill turned to one and blew a raspberry at him. The man gasped in joy and collapsed to the floor. “Yeah, they’re a bunch of losers, but they’ve been passing on their weirdo society for generations now and I appreciate that kind of loyalty. So, when I was building the portal with you I also wrote to a bunch of them to say the incantation to let me in their minds. Presto! Now I’ve got all the backdoors to human puppets I could need!”

Ford stared around the room in horror. There was a cult devoted to Bill? How could he not have seen it? It was no coincidence he’d been able to collect all of that iconography. Bill had even told him he’d been contacting humanity for millennia. Why wouldn’t there be a secret society devoted to him? 

Because Ford, even after everything that had happened, still assumed he was special. His cheeks burned as he felt fresh shame fill him. 

“Don’t worry, Ford,” Stanley called over his shoulder. “I...Okay, I have literally no idea what’s going on but we’re going to get out of this. They still want that stupid book and they’ll have to work with us if they want to get it!” He raised his voice at the end to make sure everyone heard. This seemed like a dim bunch. Maybe if he started laying down some rules now he could start to work things in his favor.

The key was to act like he wasn’t scared, like this was all business as usual. It sounded like there were about a dozen people in the room lead by some lady named Bill. They didn’t sound like gangsters. Most of them sounded like they were playing pretend more than they were actually trying to be threatening. Normally Stan would laugh at people who talked about incantations and secret societies, but he also knew all too well that it didn’t matter if a belief was stupid and fake. If enough people believed it, that was still enough to get you killed. 

Okay, so he was surrounded by dangerous idiots who wanted a book. The next step was to keep them talking. Figure out the system and you can always make it work your way. Besides, Mika had probably figured out they were missing by now. She’d be working on some plan to help them. Stan tried to imagine what she might do. Then he immediately regretted it. When it came to real danger, Mika had exactly one panic button. He’d never been able to talk her out of it.

Sure enough, seconds later, he heard the sound of sirens outside. Fuck. Now there were cops. Cops always made things more complicated. 

Ford didn’t seem to agree. He laughed. “Well, it looks like your little revenge is over before it began, Bill! Your band of puppets won’t be very useful when they’re all locked away in prison!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that…” Bill smiled and looked toward the door.

A moment later several police officers burst into the room. “Everyone freeze!” one called. The cops popped from the doorway like snakes from a can, forming a semi-circle of harsh poses and readied guns. One even rolled twice to get into position.

Everyone in the room was perfectly still with fear and tension. 

Then the lead officer, a woman in a dark trench coat, began to laugh. “We definitely got you that time!”

The cult members laughed too, but it was nervous and subdued. Everyone kept looking at Bill. He grinned as he walked to the woman in the trench coat. “Hiya! I don’t know who you are and I don’t care! You got a reason I should bother to learn your name, meatsack?” 

If she was confused it was only for an instant. She fell to her knees. “This is such an honor, great Bill Cypher! I’m Detective Daniels and….” her voice got strained as Bill yanked hard at her hair. “A woman came into the station with a ransom note and the journal we’ve been seeking. It wasn’t hard to bring her here.”

“Alright, not bad, Danny! Bring the dimwit in!”

In their chairs Ford and Stan both tensed. Ford wriggled his wrists desperately against the ropes restraining him. Stan managed to rub his blindfold down against Ford’s head. Both of them waited to see a beaten and bound innocent young woman be pulled into the room. 

Instead Mika wandered in with a yawn, carrying Ford’s precious journal loosely under one arm. “You guys. It’s like four in the morning. Did we really have to do this now?” 

“The stars’ alignments will reveal the ultimate truth!” That was probably from the guy on the floor.

Mika shrugged. “Sure. Anyway, which one of you is Bill? I hear you want this thing?” She held up the book like it was a disappointing sequel. 

Ford was appalled. “What do you think you’re doing?! That’s my life’s work _and_ you’re giving it to a monster who will use it to destroy the world!”

“Yeah...I didn’t exactly see any missile designs in here. I’m not too worried. Maybe you should spend less time reading the spellcaster’s reddit. I hear that stuff can mess with your head. Anyway, the _officers_ didn’t give me much choice.” 

Stan snorted at her. “See? I told you, you can’t trust cops!”

“Ugh.” Mika bonked the journal against her forehead. “I am seriously never going to hear the end of this, am I?”

“Darn right! Eidetic or not, I’m never letting you forget it!”

Now it’s time to freeze the frame and zoom out. Ford is terrified. Bill is leaning toward the journal. Mika is staring at Stan and Stan is leaning his head ever so slightly toward one of the cultists in the corner. It’s the curly-haired woman who tased him. She’s wearing a button on her shirt, one with a rolling die with a six on every side. 

Time moved forward. Mika followed Stan’s gaze. She looked back at him. They both made an imperceptible nod. 

“Nice to meet ya, lady,” Bill said with a quick leap forward. “Even nicer of you to walk right into my little circle of pals here. So, why don’t you just hand over that journal and we can all be on our way?”

He reached out toward her, but at the last moment Mika stepped to the side, nonchalantly flipping through the book. “You know, I hadn’t realized before, but if you guys are so eager to get this thing it must be worth a lot of money to you. What do you think? Maybe a couple thousand dollars?”

Bill laughed. “I’m pretty sure you’re loooong past your chance to make any money tonight. Now we’re looking at violence. A lot of it. In fact, I’m not ready to promise you won’t get hurt even if you do everything I tell you.” He cracked his body’s knuckles. “It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to beat someone’s skull in!”

“Right, right.” Mika took a deep breath and tried not to look at the woman in the corner. “I just don’t see why we can’t work together here. This journal has a big 1 on the cover. That means there has to be at least one more. Why don’t you let me and my buddy Nick find it for you? We’re really good at finding things no one wants us to and, well, making systems work to our advantage.”

“Who the heck is Nick?” Bill asked in total confusion. He wasn’t the target though. The woman in the corner suddenly gasped so loudly that the cultists around her recoiled.

“Oh. My. Goodness!” she cried. She ran between Mika and the twins and squealed in delight. “I can’t believe this! You’re Eidetic Irene and No-Good Nick! I absolutely love your show! Rig Your Roll taught me how to get extra course credit in my chem lab AND how to make the IRS afraid of me! You guys are amazing!”

“Oh geez, we’ve been recognized.” Mika grimaced in Stan’s direction. “I guess it had to happen someday.”

Stan shook his head in disappointment. “I guess that’s the end of the show. We can’t keep going if we’re not anonymous.”

The woman looked aghast. “No, no, no! I’d never rat you guys out! Riggers stick together! It’s us against the system, right?”

Ford leaned toward his brother. “Stanley, what in the world is going on?”

“I gotta agree with Fordsy on this one,” Bill said. His eyes were narrowed in suspicion. “You’re playing a game. What is it?”

Somewhere, music should have started to play, because it was time to dance.

“The only game in the world, buddy!” Mika smiled and threw her over Bill’s shoulders, still carefully keeping the journal out of reach. “Nick, or rather Stanley, and I like to keep our lives interesting, but we’re really only ever interested in coming out on top. We lie, we cheat, we gamble. Really, life’s all about betting on the right horse and then riding it into the sunset, right?”

“Why are you touching me?” 

Mika spun away from Bill and ruffled Ford’s hair. “So you guys have power. That’s obvious. You’ve got a whole bunch of cops in your sway. You’re not afraid to rough up some strangers. Looks like you’re a pretty big deal.”

The cultists around the room began to preen. Mika shot a quick glance at Stan and he winked to tell her to keep going. She moved in front of Ford and tilted his chin up so he’d look her in the eyes. He looked both terrified and furious. It was a little satisfying. 

“And if you’re such a big deal that means that mister doctor Pines must be pretty important too if you’re making such a fuss about this book of his. Did he use to be a part of the gang? Did he try to steal your secrets?”

“You know...You’re not too far off,” Bill said slowly. To the horror of every sane person in the room, Bill looked like he was having fun. “What are you suggesting? Some sort of...deal?”

“Of course!” Mika agreed with a bright grin. “We love being next to power and getting something shiny out of it. You untie my friend and you can easily lock his annoying brother in prison while Stan and I dig up the other journals, maybe run a few dark magic-type errands, and earn a nice pile of cash while we’re at it!” She pointed at the woman who was such an enthusiastic listener of their show. “What’s your name, you delightful fan?”

The woman blushed. “Bernice. I’m the techie here. I...I’m the one who found your ebay listing.”

“That’s some pretty impressive google-fu, Bernice. Why don’t you tell the lady Bill about our show? I’m sure you know that a bit of theft and adventure is right up our alley!” 

“You can spare me the details,” Bill said, rolling his body’s eyes. He grinned viciously down at Ford. “But I agree. This sounds like the perfect sort of deal. There are a few bits and bobs I need and I know _these_ idiots won’t be able to handle it.” He tilted his head toward his various devoted followers. “So why not? Besides, it’d be great to have one last game with my favorite toy.” He flicked at Ford’s nose and laughed. 

Stanford winced. He hadn’t thought it was possible, but the situation was getting even worse with every second. Was Mika really such an opportunistic fool that she thought this was a good time to try and make _money_? Just what sort of ‘bits and bobs’ did Bill need? Why was Stanley being so damn quiet about it all? Was he still hurt from the taser? 

It was all forming an overwhelming wave of dread inside Ford. He did his best to control it. If there was thing he had learned in the last few months, it was that no one else could be trusted. The world was full of traitors, cowards, and deceivers. 

Ford knew he was the only one who would be able to save the world. 

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 14**

NGN: Today’s episode is garbage and you shouldn’t bother listening.

EI: Hey!

NGN: Listen Irene, you can’t go a dozen episodes telling folks how to cheat the system and then lecture them about being bad people!

EI: That is _not_ what I’m doing! Alright. Listeners, today’s big topic is an important one: rigging responsibly. 

NGN: Ugh! You made it alliterate and everything!

EI: That’s what makes it catchy! You need to be memorable if you want to go viral!

NGN: Sure, sure. Next we’ll make a meme out of good table manners. That’ll really boost our ratings. 

EI:....Okay, fine. This isn’t going to be the sexiest episode, but it’s still something we need to talk about. There’s an important difference between the Rig Your Roll philosophy and just being a jerk.

NGN: There is?

EI: Yes. The difference is about remembering who you are when you don’t need look at every situation for an angle anymore. Who are you when you’re not worried about surviving?

NGN: *muttering* Dead. 

EI: Nick! Come on!

NGN: No! The whole reason we’re making this show is because the world wants to break people like us! We’re the ugly, useless burdens society wishes it could rid of and the only way we have a hope of living is to be willing to take whatever we can!

*long pause*

EI: I know life can be harsh. We both do. And you’re right, that’s why we’re making this show. We’re making it so people like us know they’re not alone, that _someone_ cares and wants to help them. And I know it pains you, but we do it all for free.

NGN: Whatever, it’s not like we’re ever going to get any listeners anyway. 

EI: So then you’re just doing it because it makes me happy? I dunno, that still sounds like a nice thing to do.

NGN: ….Well now you’ve destroyed any cred I might have had.

EI: That’s kind of my point though. As con artists we put on a lot of faces: the showman, the helpless waif, the possessed hellspawn…

NGN: Heh. That one was a blast. I can’t believe anyone bought I was a doctor.

EI: But it’s important to remember that some cons aren’t worth it. Just think, ‘If I had all the money I needed, would I feel bad about doing this?’ If the answer is yes, ask yourself if the job is really worth it. Don’t make someone else desperate at your expense. You’re trying to get to a place where you don’t have to cheat the system anymore. Don’t do anything you won’t be able to live with afterward. 

NGN: Yeah? And what if you don’t have a choice? What if it’s just you or the other guy? Am I supposed to be a monster ‘cause I looked out for myself?

EI: I...What did you...It doesn’t matter. People aren’t...themselves when the situation is life or death. We’re more than who we are on our worst days. 

NGN: You really think that?

EI: Yes!

*long silence*

EI: Nick, you’ve seen me at _my_ worst. Do you really think that’s who I am?

NGN: That’s different.

EI: Is it? When we’re hungry, when we’re scared, when we’re desperate, that’s when we need help more than ever. That’s when we need people who believe that we can be a whole person again. You believed in me. I’m never going to forget that. And that’s why I’m never going to stop believing in you.

NGN: ….You know, the listeners are really gonna hate this one now that it’s gotten all mushy.

EI: They’ll live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, this chapter was supposed to be EVEN LONGER! If this trend keeps up by chapter 12 I'll take six months between updates but give you a novel when I post. This chapter we've learned a lot about love, friendship, and the importance of back-up plans if you're really set on ruling the world. I hope you've enjoyed it! As always, please let me know if you have any questions. I really love this story and I'm eager to flesh out anything you're wondering about.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has offered kudos or reviews so far!


	6. Out of Depth

**Chapter Six**

“So it’s...like a radio show?”

“Basically! Except it’s on the internet and we make no money from it.”

“You’re running a show about conning people and you aren’t even getting money out of it?”

“Well, we do have a patreon, but it’s mostly an act of love. And cynicism. And low-grade therapy.”

“Y’know, I think we could use something like this. It’d be a good way for you to keep the ol’ Wheelies up to date on my plans. And who doesn’t like a fun show?”

“Of course! That’s just what I was thinking! The only downside is…Oh, dear.”

Mika looked down in concern as ‘Bill’ collapsed to the ground. A few cultists ran forward, but no one seemed especially worried.

Meanwhile, Ford was steaming with impotent fury. He’d tried to warn Mika, tried to warn everyone, about the monster she trying to deal with. All it had lead to was a sock in his mouth. Now he desperately wished he could take advantage of Bill’s collapse. He wriggled and tried to spit his gag out but it was still no good. Was the universe ever going to give him a break?!

He took a few deep breaths as the cult members fanned the woman on the floor. It would be at least a few minutes before Bill could take hold of her again. Ford knew he couldn’t really on luck. That had been a painfully clear recurring lesson in his life. Instead he took stock of the situation and tried to decide what to do next. 

Mika was clearly insane, naive, or painfully stupid if she was trying to set up a _business arrangement_ with Bill. At least it was revealing some interesting new information. Bill didn’t know about modern technology and internet culture. He’d looked confused with every buzz word Mika used. No doubt the demon could explain wireless signals and computers better than anyone on the planet, but that didn’t mean he’d bothered to learn what humans did with them. If his ultimate plan was to destroy the universe, he probably didn’t see the point.

Behind Ford, Stan was still straining against his ropes, as though he could break them if he just flexed hard enough. “Don’t worry, Sixer,” he whispered. “Mika’s just buying us time. We’ll get you out of here and figure something out. I’m not going to lose you again.” His voice suddenly sounded grim. “No matter what.”

It felt like a little stab to Ford’s heart. _Again._ They still hadn’t been able to talk about… And it was all Ford’s fault wasn’t it? If they hadn’t been fighting, if they had just had a civil conversation, then Stan might not have been caught off-guard. They might have been able to fight off Bill’s cult and Ford could have apologized and then...and then something. Something good would have happened, something better than this. Ford didn’t know what he wanted for Stan and him at this point. It hurt to think about. But maybe...could there have been a something?

Suddenly someone grabbed Ford’s hair from behind and yanked hard. Ford let out a muffled yell and stared up into a new set of yellow eyes, this time in a willowy Asian man. “Hiya Fordsy! Did you miss me?”

Immediately all the cultists in the room perked up. A few squealed. “Eeee! Our beautiful Bill beams benevolently by our bodacious bodies as before!”

Everyone echoed, “All hail, Bill the Bodacious!” 

Mika and Stan exchanged a look then shrugged. A mark could be as crazy as they wanted. All that mattered was that they paid up.

“So, are you Bill now?” Mika asked. “Is it a title that transfers or something?”

“Nice try, Blue Fuzz,” Bill cackled. “But no dice. I’m the same product, just different packaging. Now let’s get back to our deal. My followers are too stupid do this little road trip I’m asking for…”

“We are unworthy to lick the lint from your hat!” one of them cried out.

“Right.” Bill rolled his eyes. “You think you and Stan Pines can handle it?”

Mika smiled broadly, a bit too broadly in fact. It was a little creepy. “Oh absolutely! For the right price, that is.”

“And what price would that be? Gold? Power? Unholy magical abilities?”

Her smiled broadened even further. “I was thinking...sponsorship.” 

 

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

This had to be hell. 

Hell wasn’t fire and endless physical torture. Instead it was being in a room with your long-lost brother whose life you (may have) ruined, AND surrounded by mad cultists in tacky robes AND they’re led by an actual demon AND that demon also happens to be your arch-enemy, AND you’re gagged and tied to a chair…. 

And during all this you have to watch a madwoman give a powerpoint presentation on the quarterly costs of her podcast.

It was too much. Ford was already overwhelmed by a lack of sleep, far too much mental and emotional stress, and a galaxy’s worth of guilt. He couldn’t believe he was being forced to battle boredom now too. (He also couldn’t believe Beatrice had just had a projector on hand like that.)

“Now, as you can see, costs traditionally go up during the winter months and the release schedule gets a little hectic. That’s because we need to take on more hours at the---”

“RRRGGGH!” Ford screamed as loudly as he could into his gag. Enough was enough!

Bill yawned loudly. “I agree, Sixer. She’s been trying to distract us for way too long. Daniels, check on Stanley’s knots. How far has he gotten in undoing them?”

The crooked detective looked up from the projection screen in surprise then hurried over to Stan and Ford. “Uh, it looks like he got about halfway through freeing his wrists. One of his thumbs doesn’t look so good, Grand Master Bill.”

“Ooo, lemme see!” Bill hopped over to the twins. They were still tied back to back, so Ford couldn’t see what Bill was looking at. Still, it was very unnerving when Bill let out a low whistle. “Not bad, Mackerel. You managed to break your thumb without any of us noticing. It’s gotta be easier to wriggle out of rope if you can change the shape of your hand. That’s gotta hurt though…”

“Aaaaaargh!” Stan yelped. Ford jumped. Stan broke his own thumb? But why? How? Then Ford remembered the way Stan had wriggled during Mika’s presentation. He’d rocked their chairs as much as he quietly could. Then he’d stopped moving and started swearing very suddenly.

Oh, no. Ford had just interrupted their escape attempt, hadn’t he?

“Get away from him!” Mika launched herself at Bill before anyone else could react. They both collapsed to the ground, but Mika landed on top and began throwing punches. “Don’t! You! Dare! Hurt! My! Friend!”

Stanford looked frantically. This definitely wasn’t going to go well. But to his shock, none of the cultists moved forward to stop her. They all looked concerned, yet hardly afraid for their leader’s well-being. That’s when he noticed the old woman, sleeping in her chair in front of the slide show. A moment later she stood, her smile wide and her eyes bright yellow.

“Nice try, kiddo, but I’ve been in this game way longer than you have! Take her down, Wheelies!”

Ford wanted to cry out a warning, to tell Mika to run while she still could and take the journal with her. Instead he watched helplessly as the entire cult descended on her. 

The battle was quick and it wasn’t pretty. Mika got a few hits in. That didn’t mean she knew how to fight. In moments she was restrained by three cultists, her glasses were hanging off one ear, and her nose was bleeding. Bill laughed for a solid minute at the sight of her.

Stan growled into Ford’s ear. “What the hell is wrong with you?! Another few minutes and I could have gotten us out of here! Don’t you trust us?”

Ford would have had a lot of indignant things to say to that. Perhaps is was for the best that he was still gagged. 

“Whew, that was great. Old laughs are the best,” Bill said as he wiped a tear from his body’s eye. “I always like to see a business partner beaten before we start working together.”

“...Working together?” Mika managed to mutter. 

“Of course! We didn’t spend an hour working out our deal for nothing!” Bill leaned back, specifically resting his weight against Ford’s head. “Your little road trip and errands for my ‘sponsorship’.You’re still interested aren’t you? I hope so! It’s the only thing that’s going to keep me from breaking every bone in little Stanley’s body!” He looked Mika square in the eye. “One. By. One.”

“Mika, no!”

“Mphma! Mnnnngh!”

For a moment Mika stared back at Bill blankly. Then she smirked and happily took his hand. “It’s nice to be doing business with you.”

The rest of the transaction was disgustingly smooth. Bill took the journal. Stanford was untied instead of Stanley, but Mika didn’t seem bothered. “They need _some_ collateral, don’t they?” Stanley swore and cried and didn’t look at her. Still, he didn’t seem surprised either. Was this some further plan that Ford wasn’t catching on to? Everyone seemed far too calm.

In fact, the only thing that surprised anyone but Ford was when they were leaving the room and Mika suddenly turned, ran back to Stanley, and kissed him full on the mouth.

At the back of the crowd, Beatrice gasped. “I can’t believe it! My ship is canon!”

 

**Back Then**

Stan’s little crush Did. Not. Last.

As the months went by and spring was in full swing, Stan got more and more comfortable with thinking of the apartment and the town at large as home. Like, maybe it could even be a home for years. For the first time in a long time Stan felt comfortable and safe. He had a kitchen so he could cook real food instead of having take-out all the time. He had a reliable roof to sleep under. Best of all, he had a friend who laughed at all his corny jokes. He felt like he was waking up for the first time in years.

And if Stan was waking up then so was Mika. It was nice to see her joking around and chatting about the things she liked. Unfortunately, she was by far the second-nerdiest person he had ever met. She was still unpacking her boxes and by now Stan was rolling his eyes at every new pile of books.

There were hundreds of comics (or “graphic novels”). There were books _about_ comics. There were books about gender roles as discussed in books about comics. There was a book called “We Know Superheroes Aren’t Real But if They Were This is How the Legal System Would Affect Them”.

It got worse.

One day Stan came home to find several forts squashed into their apartment. Forts made of books. The forts were themed. There were Fort Social Justice, Excelsifort, Fortasy, The Final Fortier, and one with a pair of jeans on top made of every book a high school English student ever hated called Fort Fancy Pants. Mika then spent hours running from fort to fort yelling quotes and random facts at him. Stan had never felt so assaulted by education! 

He tried to indulge Mika with the reading thing, but even when he was just listening to what she was reading about it was overwhelming. She just read too much! He finally put his foot down when she brought out some DD&MD books. There were some lines he was not willing to cross!

“Would’ja stop trying to shove all these books down my throat?! I told ya, I’m not into that nerdy stuff! Go find someone in glasses and suspenders to bother! I need to take a break for once!”

Back home, that is, back in New Jersey, snapping a bit got you flipped off or maybe in a small fight. To Stan’s horror, Mika crumbled. Her eyes grew wide and filled with tears. She cringed inward like she was covering her vital points. She shook. Her breathing came too fast. Worst of all was the way she clutched at her heart, like it was actually in pain. Then she tried to speak.

“I-I-I’m sor-sorry.” Her breathing got faster, more like gasps. Her eyes stopped blinking. Her hands went to her hair and tangled in it. “I, I thought….fun? Thought friends? No? No. Bad. Badbadbadbadbad. Oh. Oh god. Oh god!” She fell sideways against a wall and started to slide down it. It didn’t look like she was seeing anything anymore. 

Stan ran to her side. “Mika? Geez! What’s wrong? I just needed a break, I didn’t mean to hurt you! Are you...Is this one of those trigger things you’re always talking about? Did I trigger-shoot you? Whoa. Whoa, hey! You gotta breathe! Slower! Slower, damnit! The oxygen won’t do you no good if you don’t let it stick around for a sec!”

“...’comes carbon dioxide.”

Stan gave a shaky smile. She couldn’t be too bad off if she could still say trivia. He could talk her down. “Yeah, and the trees make it oxygen again, right? I remember that much from school.”

Mika stared back at him, still crying and still shaking. “Another important source of oxygen comes from the phytoplankton in the ocean. As much as 85%. Maybe. Don’t know exactly.”

“Fight-o-Plankton? Isn’t he on Spongebob?”

“That show is not an accurate representation of marine biology. It’s funny though.”

“Yeah? What’s your favorite episode?”

From there things got easier. Talking about boring things was always a great way to calm someone down. In a few minutes Mika went from panicked to embarrassed. She apologized for over-reacting, for being pushy, and for being a handful. Stan promised it wasn’t a problem, but didn’t know what else to say. In the end she took a few bricks from the Final Fortier and went to bed early. 

She avoided him for a week after that. It killed him a bit inside every day. 

Yet, in a way, it was also reassuring. He’d made her cry. Badly. But never once had she gotten angry with him or said he had to leave. It bizarre. Somehow he had found a place where he could be a screw-up and still be safe. 

Was it too good to be true?

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 60**

EI: Hey folks! This isn’t actually a proper episode. I just wanted to let you all know that we’re going to to be doing something different for the next few months. No-Good Nick had to...take a break for a bit. *pause* Don’t worry, he’ll be back! In the meantime, his brother and I are going to be doing a bit of, er, experimental storytelling. I hope you enjoy it! It’s...It’s going to be something at least.

*Longer pause*

EI: Remember folks, the dice don’t always fall your way, but you’ll never lose if you remember how to change the rules. 

 

 

.. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / ... .- ...- . / -.-- --- ..-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Six chapters in and we're finally at the part that I started this story to write! Please be sure to let me know what you like, dislike, and what you hope will happen. I definitely have my own plans, but I'm open to intriguing suggestions. Or ridiculous ones. I do love a bit of ridiculous in my life.


	7. Blame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal behavior, eating disorder, misplaced blame and guilt.

**Chapter 7**

**Stan**

They were gone. Everyone was gone. Stanley was alone, locked in a storage room with a broken thumb and a seriously cracked heart. He was trying very hard to keep his breathing normal. He couldn’t afford to lose his head now.

His brother was gone. Again. Mika, the girl he owed his life to, had willingly left him behind.

Two lines of thought went through Stanley at the same time. He’d known Mika for a while now. She was good at putting on a mask of showmanship when a con went south. This was all part of their usual tactics: if things get rough, say whatever you have to to get out of there, then regroup. Mika had done her best to keep the cult nuts busy as long as possible. It just hadn’t been enough. Getting out with Ford was the next best thing. It was what Stan would have wanted her to do if he had the choice.

At the same time another part of his brain was screaming. _They left you! They left you just to save their own skins! They never really cared. They just used you when it was convenient. You didn’t think anyone really loved you, did you? No wonder you’re cold and hurt and alone now. It’s what you deserve._

Thank goodness for that last-second kiss from Mika. It didn’t give him much hope, but it gave him something. Stan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was no time for moping. He stood and looked for something to splint his thumb with.

 

**Ford**

They left the warehouse laden down like tourists. They had a map, a to-do list, and Cipher’s Wheel orientation packet. They walked out freely and drove off in the Stanley-mobile.

The ride back to the apartment was silent.

The screaming didn’t start until they got inside.

The door closed. Mika looked at Ford. Ford stared back at Mika. Simultaneously they clutched at their hair.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

“What the hell _was_ all that?! Why is there a cult after you? Why do they have control over the police? Why couldn’t you have kept your mouth shut for _five more minutes_?!” By the end of her questions Mika was shaking Ford by the shoulders.

Ford shoved her hands away. “What is wrong with you! How could you just leave Stanley behind like that, like it was no big deal? How could you think about _your podcast_ in the midst of all those monsters? How could you just hand over my journal to Bill?!”

“I...Wait. Did you just slip into a Jersey accent?”

Ford blushed deeply, cleared his throat, and enunciated carefully. “No. And don’t dodge the question! Do you have any idea what your recklessness just did?”

“Yes! I just got two of our three butts out of danger, no thanks to you!” Mika glared at him then suddenly left the room, returning a moment later with a suitcase that she started filling with an assortment of strange items: a wooden crossbow, a black leather case, several lengths of ribbon, and an alarming number of books. After a moment she paused and threw some clothes in there too.

“Saved us?” Ford scoffed to avoid looking curious about her actions. “You’ve doomed us all! Bill now has one third of the information he needs to build an interdimensional portal to allow his demonic army and him to descend on our dimension and destroy the world!”

Ford was satisfied to see Mika stop packing and stare up at him with alarm. He felt less satisfied when she smacked a hand to her forehead and groaned. “I have _not_ gotten enough sleep to deal with this level of delusion.”

“Delusion?!”

“Uh, _yeah_.” Mika rolled her eyes. “We may be dealing with a cult of nuts, but I was hoping you were smarter than that. Maybe there are other dimensions out there, but portals? Demons? _Magic_? I hate to break it to you, but none of that stuff is real.”

Oh, no. Ford shook his head in horror. Bill was going to win. There was no way around it. Not when the fate of the world was being determined by idiots like this.

In a kinder moment Ford would have thought so harshly of Mika. After all, there were a lot of facts she was unaware of. Anomalies were rare by their nature. _Most_ people didn’t believe in magic or demons, even among geniuses.

Ford was not feeling kind.

“Well, maybe this will get through to you. STANLEY IS GOING TO _DIE_ AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”

For a moment someone pressed mute on the world. Mika stared at him with a look of genuine shock and horror. Ford hadn’t seen someone look at him with such naked disgust since the girls in grade school had first seen his six-fingered hands. Mika’s hands, meanwhile, were curling in and out of fists. He wondered if she was going to punch him. In twisted way he almost wanted her to. Maybe it would lessen the overwhelming feeling of guilt he was drowning in.

Instead, when Mika raised her arm it was to point an angry finger right in Ford’s face. When she spoke her voice was low and half-hiss. “Stan Pines is the most wonderful person I have ever met. I swear, I will die myself before I let _anything_ happen to him. If anything, this should be your problem. It was your journal, your enemies, and your stupid mysteries. You’re the one who pulled Stan into this in the first place!”

Ford scoffed again. He couldn’t stop. Everything was his fault. He couldn’t let her see that. He couldn’t think about it. What hero could be wrong so much? Such a fool could only fail. “And he would have been fine if you hadn’t decided to _sell_ my life’s work in some idiotic attempt to arrange a great Pines Brothers’ Reunion!”

“I had to! It was killing him to have you out of his life!”

“Not as much as those cultists are probably killing him now!”

“Argh!” Mika snarled and pushed past Ford to the dining table where she gripped a chair so tightly that her knuckles turned white. “No. No they won’t. Stan’s their collateral. If they kill him, we’ll have no reason to go on their wacko treasure hunt! These people are controlling the police, Ford! Who knows who else is working for them! I know this isn’t the best plan, but unless you can think of a better one we have to play along for now!”

Then, infuriatingly, she didn’t wait to see if he did, in fact, have a better plan. She just went right back to packing. Ford gritted his teeth and asked if she could stay still for just one minute.

“No,” she replied without looking back at him.

“Seriously? No?” Unbelieveable. This woman was the most unhelpful creature he had ever met. Worse than the unicorns.

Holding still was out, but apparently Mika could spare a second to glare at him. “Yes. Really. Every minute we stay here is a minute for them to change their minds. If we can get out of town that gives this plan momentum. Now either help me or get out of the way.”

There was a certain growl in her voice just then that made Ford nervous. It occurred to him for the first time that perhaps he should be cautious around a woman who had looked Bill Cipher in the eye and smiled like he was just another challenge. He decided it would be best to get out of the way and think for a few minutes.

Bill was playing a game. That much was obvious. There was no way he would just let Ford go unless it was part of a larger machination. The twisted triangle might have the advantage right now, but he also had an ego that couldn’t fit in just one dimension. Brief as it had been, Ford _had_ thwarted Bill. It was something Bill would want revenge for. A painful revenge.

Ford shivered again at the thought of what might even now be happening to Stanley. Bill had a terrible mind and an unclear idea of the limits of the human body. The tortures he might inflict on Stan could easily be more than any human could take.

But would killing or even just grievously injuring Stan really be enough for Bill? He knew that Ford and his twin hadn’t been close for years. It would grieve Ford if Stan died because of him. At the same time, from Bill’s perspective, it wouldn’t necessarily hurt as much as torturing Ford himself. For that matter, Bill could have just keep them all as prisoners and experimented, finding the perfect cocktail of psychological to physical pain.

(Ford now got the sense that he was getting a little too far into a mad scientist frame of mind.)

So that implied that Bill had larger plans for Ford. For whatever reason, he _wanted_ Ford to go on this trip. Ford picked up the list the cultists had given them. They would need to drive all over the country to find a series of mystical artifacts, only some of which Ford had heard of. Clearly he would have to do some research on the road. (What did he mean ‘on the road’? He hadn’t decided he was going!) He couldn’t see anything significant about the items in question though.

Was this a fool’s errand? Something to keep Ford from causing trouble while Bill enacted a larger plan? But if that were the case then Bill could have still held him captive or easily killed him. No. All evidence pointed to Bill needing these artifacts and wanting Ford in particular to get them for some reason.

It was extremely likely to be a trap. It was also the only lead Ford had. Damn it all. Now, on top of everything else, he had to admit that Mika was right to be packing.

On cue, Mika zipped her suitcases closed. “Done! Alright, Fordface, are you ready to go?”

“....Yes. I believe I am.”

 

**Back Then**

For all his life Stan had had an unfortunate habit. Whenever he was scared the worst was coming he started lashing out like it already had.

Somehow he had scared Mika. She was avoiding him. Those were the facts.

It...was pretty hard to keep his brain strictly in the realm of facts when Stan was convinced that she’d be kicking him out any day now. After all, he was a worthless bum. He was the useless twin, the one no one ever wanted.

Those thoughts were a lot easier to think. After all, he’d had a lot of practice.

There was also trouble at his job. He’d been working under the table for a construction company, putting together new apartments out of old factories. The work was good because he’d pulled together enough knowledge about carpentry, plumbing, and electrical engineering over the years to know what he was doing and his boss didn’t care about doing background checks. The trouble was, there wasn’t a lot of job security when it came to off the books labor.

A few weeks back Stan’s boss had started paying Stan and a bunch of other guys half what they’d been making before. Jonah figured, and he was right, that they were all a bunch of criminals, deadbeats, and undocumented immigrants. Who were they going to complain to? They’d already have better work if they could get it.

Normally it was the sort of thing that would make Stan punch a few faces, steal a bag of money, and skip town. Now he had a home though, and a friend. At least he hoped he did. If she hadn’t finally seen him for the lowlife he really was.

Almost a week had passed since their….was it even a fight? He’d yelled. She’d cried. Damn, it made him sound like a monster. He’d barely seen her in that time. She’d tried to come up to him once or twice a few days ago. He’d been scared, ready to be rejected. His voice had been harsh with a “What do you want?” or a “It can wait. I’m heading out.” Now he just felt like an idiot. What if she’d been trying to make up? Leave it to Stanley Pines to mess things up even more.

It was on the seventh day that he realized how long it had been since he’d seen her. He was eating cereal and the milk was sour. Mika didn’t eat enough, but she loved her milk. It never had a chance to go bad.

Stan looked around more. The fruit was attracting flies. There was mold on the bread. The boxes of mac and cheese had a coat of dust.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, FUCK!

He didn’t knock on Mika’s door. He barely turned the knob. Instead he practically broke the door down in his rush to get inside.

It smelled awful. Like sweat and grime and regret. There was something in the bed. Something Stan could barely call a person. It stared blankly back at him. Stan would remember those eyes for the rest of his life. They were empty, but he saw an accusation in them.

_You did this, Stanley. You killed the only friend you had in the world._

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo...We got into some heavy territory on this one. Mika, like Stan and Ford, has had a rough life in a lot of ways and we're starting to get into the details of that. Meanwhile, Stan and Ford (in various points in time) are grappling with their own demons (pun). 
> 
> The thing about GF that I think a lot of us like is the way it deals with very serious topics while also always coming back to love and humor. I want to assure you all that I intend to do that too. I think it's hard to remember the importance of being silly when things get rough. It's silliness and friends that make the deep end shallow again. In the next few chapters I hope to get to mostly lighthearted things again, but hopefully that will mean more if you've also seen the dark places these three people can go when they're all alone.
> 
> Once again, I hope you've all enjoyed the story so far! It's a huge pleasure to write, but reviews really give me the incentive and strength to keep it going! Please tell me your likes, dislikes, and any questions you might have!
> 
> And if you'd like to contact me, I am also comicgeekery on tumblr and I love to chat!


	8. A Fair World

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 61**

EI: HELLO LISTENERS!

MtV: AH!

EI: My new colleague and I have been on the road for twelve hours now! I think! I haven’t slept for a day and a half and time is losing its meaning! Wheeeeeeeeee!

MtV: What in the world are you doing?

EI: My _job. Duh!_

MtV: Your… _Please_ tell me you aren’t actually putting together a show for those maniacs! 

EI: Whoa, whoa. That’s not how this is done, sir! You need to ease your audience into things, give them a bit of a backstory. They don’t even know who you are yet! Or what’s happened to their beloved No-Good Nick!

MtV: Yes they do! They’re the ones who took him!

EI: I’m not talking about the Wheelies. I’m talking about our beloved loyal fans and listeners who have been with us from the beginning...or at least for the last year or so. We haven’t been popular for very long. Anyway, those fans deserve a bit of continuity at this point. Why don’t we start with something fun? You’re going to need a show name. I’m Eidetic Irene, my normal co-host is No-Good Nick. What do you want to be called?

MtV: The last hope of humanity.

EI: ‘Kay, ‘kay. That one suits you ‘cause it’s both a downer _and_ shows off your hubris. How about something that’s actually a name?

MtV: You know the word hubris?

*An extended silence featuring only the rumbling of the car.*

EI: *quietly* I will _end_ you.

 

**In the Car**

“What the hell is your problem?!” Mika yelled as she snapped her laptop closed. 

Ford rolled his eyes. His tired, tired eyes. Why, oh why, did the world always need saving so immediately? He couldn’t even stop for coffee because that would mean a detour and then another detour for a restroom shortly after. No. He needed to power through this with willpower alone. At least Mika was unlikely to let him fall asleep at the wheel. 

Mika.

Oh. Right. She was still yelling at him.

“...and if you think that I can’t slam out several more five dollar words to describe you, then you’re even more of an imbecilic, lack-witted, conceited, vainglorious than I already think you are!” Mika stopped and took a very deep breath. “Alright. Now apologize.”

“Excuse me?” Ford blinked. “Aren’t you the one who just finished a tirade of insults against _me_? What in the world do I have to apologize for?”

Mika glared deeply at him and took several more of those deep breaths. “Let’s try this again. We obviously got off on a wrong foot. Because I hate you. But that isn’t going to help us on our little mission. So, why don’t we try to get to know each other a bit, hmm? I can put up with jackasses if I can understand them a bit.”

“Wow. That certainly makes me want to tell you my life story. Thank you, _so_ much for your kind gesture.”

This trip was going to be a disaster. They were still a full day’s drive from the first item and Ford was already trying to think of ways to abandon Mika at the side of the highway. There was only one thing holding him back: a vision of Stanley looking hurt and scared, then the slight ripple of relief that came over him when Mika rushed back and kissed him. 

As round-about as it might be, Stanley’s situation was still Ford’s fault. The least Ford could do was keep an eye on the woman he...loved? Cared about? Had emotions for. Even if she _was_ the most annoying woman on the planet.

“You know, I always wanted to meet you, Stanford. I...I actually hoped that maybe we would be friends one day. Before all this happened, I mean.” Her voice was soft and surprisingly sincere.

It was a good thing the road in front of them was empty, because Ford couldn’t help but stare at her. “What?”

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 20**

NGN: You’ve got to be shitting me! How the fuck do you not swear?

EI: It’s just, y’know, a thing I grew up without. Swears hurt people and I was always supposed to be the nice kid.

NGN: Wow, you are seriously on the wrong show if you’re hoping to be nice all the time.

EI: Shut up! I can be plenty mean!

NGN: Actually...I don’t think you can. Now that I’m thinking about it, you hardly ever even get mad, let alone give people what they’ve got coming.

EI: Ah. That’s because you’re used to fighting with your fists. Nah. There’s a time and a place to be outright hostile. I prefer a more subtle approach. 

NGN: Yeah? What’s that?

EI: It’s a little something I like to call “Stop Hitting Yourself”.

 

**Now**

Ford’s eyes went back to the road, but he couldn’t stop glancing at Mika in bafflement. “You wanted to meet me? But why? Surely Stanley couldn’t have told you anything good about me.”

“Why would you think that?” Mika peered back at him with a sad smile. “Stan loves you. There’s never been any two ways about it. It took him a while to open up when we first met. When he did, you were the first part of his past he told me about. He went on for weeks about the adventures you guys had as kids.”

“Ah.” Ford blushed. “I’m surprised he still thinks so fondly of those days, considering...Well, considering what happened after.”

The science fair. His invention. West Coast Tech. A dream that Ford had recently realized might never have been his, even if he’d been born an only child. Silence filled the car. From the corner of his eye he could see Mika stare at him then look away.

“Did you get a chance to tell him?” she asked quietly. “You know, about the perpetual motion machine? Was it really something that would have worked?”

“I…” Stanford swallowed. He didn’t want to say it, but she _had_ saved him. He could at least be honest. “No. I’ve made some excellent energy generators since then, but nothing perpetual. The one at the science fair was...optimistic.”

“And did you tell Stan that? Before you were kidnapped?”

It felt like the word was choking him as he forced it out. “...No.”

Mika let out a sigh, just a little one. She still wasn’t looking at him. “Okay. I kind of figured. After all, if you weren’t so obsessed with pride and secrets you might have been able to trust us.”

Ford opened his mouth. He wanted to object, angrily, but she just sounded so sad and defeated. Could he really blame her for being upset? Yelling would just be kicking her while she was down. And it would be more lying.

The truth that Stanford had been trying to hide from was that this whole problem was his fault. In fact, he felt a bottomless pit form in his gut, _everything_ was his fault, wasn’t it? If he never would have made it to West Coast Tech anyway, then it was _his_ fault Stanley had been kicked out, _his_ fault Stan had been homeless, _his own_ fault he’d wound up in Gravity Falls and met Bill, and from there….

Stanford Pines alone was to blame for endangering the entire world.

Things took a nasty turn then. The car became too small. There wasn’t enough air. The road became an abstract concept. The car drifted to the edge of the road and hit the rumble strip. Ford adjusted the wheel but turned it too much. They hopped over the grass barrier between lanes. They were heading for incoming traffic. There was screaming!

Mika shouted something and grabbed the steering wheel. They swerved back into their lane then farther, onto the shoulder. The whole car rumbled as they bounced along the grooves at the side of the road. Ford’s brain was in full panic mode, but his instincts finally kicked back in and he slammed on the brakes. It wasn’t pretty. There was smoke and screeching and the smell of burnt rubber. Finally they came to a stop.

“Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez,” Mika muttered over and over. “You don’t punch yourself lightly, do you?”

Next to her Ford was still breathing hard. He had nearly gotten them killed! Again! Clearly his brain couldn’t handle the implications of him being any more wrong than it already was. It was time to go back to denial!

“Woo! Sorry about that, my dear! There was a squirrel I had to dodge around. It won’t happen again!” He cleared his throat and looked away from her incredulous gaze. “In any case, we should probably stop for some food. We’ve been driving all day, after all. You must be starving as much as I am!”

“...Not exactly.” Mika looked away and shook her head. “Yeah, let’s get some food. We need our strength.”

“Exactly!” Ford said with forced cheer. Then he noticed something odd. At some point during their near-crash Mika must have grabbed his hand. She still held it tightly, their fingers interlaced. Ford blushed. He couldn’t help it. Anything related to his hands made him nervous and self-conscious and girl+hand touch=panic! was one of the oldest, most entrenched formulae in his mind. Luckily, as a mature man of nearly thirty, Ford was able to address the situation like an adult.

“Um...Do you like shadow puppets?” he asked hesitantly.

As any reasonable person might expect, she looked at him like he was crazy. “What?” 

He stumbled over his words in an effort to explain himself. “It’s just that...I thought perhaps Stanley would have already told you about my birth defect.” Ford raised his other hand and wiggled the six fingers, already wincing at how awkward he sounded. “It might interest you to know that the extra fingers have their uses! They make excellent shadow puppets!”

Mika only looked more mystified. “Okay...That’s...That’s great.”

Ford held up their joined hands. “You’re, um, you’re still holding my hand.”

“Oh!” She quickly let go, looking embarrassed herself now. “Sorry! I’m sorry! I just like to hold people when I’m scared or stressed. I must have done it without thinking.”

Ford let out a breath of relief. “Don’t worry about it. It was my reckless driving that put us in danger. The least I can do is offer you a touch of comfort.”

The sentence lingered in the air and Ford felt his face become bright red. _Ah, yes,_ he recalled. _This is why I can never be allowed to speak to women._

For her part, Mika still seemed more concerned with her near death by vehicular manslaughter, so that was a small blessing at least. 

They stopped at a burger joint where Ford ordered several cheeseburgers and Mika got a large order of fries and, as an afterthought, a chicken sandwich. She made the eating of them look like an act of punishment, so they must have not been very good. 

Ford cleared his throat. Now that they were no longer on the road, it seemed like a good time to address an important topic. “Mika, I know you feel strongly about my brother and likely feel very invested in doing what you can to aid him, but I want you to know there will be no need for you to put yourself in personal danger while on this trip.”

She paused half-way through slowly chewing a piece of chicken. “Huh?”

“I simply mean to say that I have more experience dealing with the superna...That is, I know how to handle myself in dangerous situations. There’s no need for you to get involved more than you already have.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah, that’s not happening.” Mika took a sip of soda, watching Ford with an entirely unimpressed expression. “First of all, you don’t know a thing about what I’m capable of. You should really fix that. Try listening to the Rig Your Roll archives. Secondly, I’m not going to risk your life and Stan’s just because you have too much ego for your own good.”

Ford slammed a hand on the table. “This isn’t about ego!” The words came out too loudly. The restaurant stared at him. He willed himself to not see every set of eyes as yellow, then spoke more softly. “Listen I understand, because you have mentioned it _numerous_ times, that you feel I have too much pride for my own good. That is...to some extent a fair point. However, that is _not_ what this is about.”

Mika just kept staring, her expression unchanged. Ford took it as an invitation to keep talking. “I’m trying to protect you, Mika. Frankly, I’m trying to protect the whole world. Bill’s presence in this dimension is entirely my own fault. It only makes sense that I be the one to face the dangers that arise as a consequence.”

“....Do you have any friends, Stanford?”

It was a startling non sequitur. At the same time Mika’s voice sounded sincere and her face looked open, if not kind. It seemed safe to presume she had a point.

“I had one for a time. Recent circumstances drove us apart.”

“What about a sweetheart? Or even just some colleagues? Do you keep in touch with any of your family?”

Ford’s face went red and he looked very intently at his next cheeseburger. “My work has been very engrossing for the last few years. I haven’t had a chance to develop much in the way of social connections.” 

“So there’s no one who would care if you died?” 

The question hit Ford like a punch to the gut. “What? I...How could you say something like that?”

Mika crossed her arms and looked him square in the eye. Her gaze held no hesitation and no mercy. “Because that’s what you’re saying to yourself. You’ve cut yourself off from your family. You’ve separated from your only friend. Sure, if no one else, Stan would be sad if you died, but we both know that would mostly be over some childhood nostalgia and dreams of what might have been. No Ford, you’ve got every mark of a man who is doing some housekeeping. So why is it? Are you suicidal or stupid?”

It was undeniably harsh, yet also significant. For the first time, Ford realized that Mika was smarter than she looked.

“I think you’re oversimplifying the situation,” he explained calmly. “I have no desire to die, far from it. My isolation is a happy accident, not deliberate. At one time I might have lamented being so alone. Now at least I know I will cause minimal grief to my few remaining connections should I have to sacrifice myself to undo the damage I have caused.” He sighed. “It’s a heavy burden, but I suppose it is the price of being a hero.”

“Ah, so that’s your problem. You think you’re a hero. Or, in other words, you’re being stupid.” Mika smiled at Ford’s irritated expression. “Hold on a second. I think I’m going to want more food after all.”

When Mika came back she carried a heavily laden tray that she spent ten minutes digging into before she spoke to Ford again. For his part, Ford was glad for the silence. There was something about Mika that was starting to get under his skin in a very uncomfortable way. 

“So,” she said at last, “have you ever heard of the fair world bias?”

“It sounds familiar. Is it a psychology term? I never studied the soft sciences much. Seemed like a waste of time.”

Mika glared. “I’ll let that one slide. Basically the fair world bias is when a person believes that the world is fundamentally fair, that everyone ultimately receives good and bad things in proportion to what they deserve. It’s pretty easy to debunk when you think about it. Everyone knows about tragedies that happen to good people. But it’s an unconscious reasoning that a lot of people have when they think about, for example, the homeless. It’s hard to think about good people sleeping on the streets through no fault of their own. It’s easier to believe that the homeless just refuse to get jobs.”

Ford nodded along. “Alright, that sounds reasonable enough. What’s your point?”

“The fair world bias can also affect the way we see ourselves. It makes us think things like ‘I’m a nice guy, so I should have a girlfriend’, ‘I’m a famous person, I should be above the law,’ or ‘I’m brilliant on a level few people can comprehend; the least I can do is fix my own mistakes.’” Mika didn’t need to give him a pointed look just then. She did it anyway. 

Ford wriggled uncomfortably. He didn’t like how this talk was going. Then, in the most unexpected move she could have made, Mika took his hands and held them tight.

“There’s still a lot I don’t know, Ford. I don’t know what you did or what this cult wants or who this Bill person is. What I can guess is that it happened when you were alone, or nearly alone, and vulnerable because you had no one to support you. Please. Don’t keep blinding yourself like this. You need help and I need to help you.”

It was hard to fight urge to pull his hands back. _Trust no one_. It was a lesson he had learned too many times. But then…

“Why do you need to help me?”

She squeezed his hands tighter and looked at him with a pained urgency. “Because _I_ would care if you died, Stanford. It would tear me apart to know that something had happened to you that I could have helped prevent. And it’s not just for Stan’s sake. Everyone deserves better than being alone.”

Then, just for an instant and without thinking about it, Ford’s hands squeezed Mika’s back. 

No one had ever said anything like that to him before. 

It felt like a balm on a stinging wound. He didn’t know if he liked it, but he had a sneaking suspicion that he needed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for continuing to read my story! Once again, comments are HUGELY appreciated. Also, please feel free to chat with me on tumblr under comicgeekery! I'm happy to answer any questions you might have and I even take commissions for short stories and fanfiction!
> 
> Today's chapter is brought to you by Messed Up Psychology and A Desperate Need for Friendship! They will likely be reoccurring characters.


	9. Attempted Vindication

**Chapter Nine**

**Back Then**

He didn’t want to call an ambulance. Ambulances were a bit too connected to cops. It exactly one second before Stan realized that what he wanted wasn’t worth a damn right now. 

The doctors diagnosed severe dehydration and malnutrition. They gave her an I.V. Slowly, the Thing in the Bed became a person again. Stan visited everyday. It took a week for them to speak. 

That week...That was hell. Stan wanted to scream at her for scaring him so much. Maybe him yelling was what had gotten them in this mess in the first place, but what else could he do? How could he pretend things were normal with someone who hated his guts?

**Now**

Over the years Ford had been forced to accept many strange, mysterious, and troubling things as truth. Things like demons, unicorns, and lepricorns would haunt him for the rest of his life. Still, after all the things he had seen and been through, there some things his mind simply refused to believe.

And yet, how could he deny it any longer? He’d cast runes, analyzed the barometric pressure, even consulted reddit. All signs pointed to the same answer.

The first mystical object of his country-wide journey was somewhere inside a Super Mega Marty-Mart, otherwise known as the worst and most oversized all-purpose store in the world. Even worse, they looked like they were in the middle of a sale. The place was swarming with crowds of people with gaping mouths like fish in migration. 

Next to him, Mika looked just as skeptical. “So, what exactly is it we’re supposed to find here? And is there a reason we couldn’t just buy it online?”

Ford pulled out their list. “We’re looking for the Staff of Owls. An ancient magical item with the power to transform and repair any object. Here, I did some research and drew an approximation of what it should look like.”

He showed her a sketch of a tall wooden walking stick, carved into the shape of a dozen owls sitting on top of each other in different poses. Mika raised her eyebrows. “Wow! I didn’t know you could draw like this! For someone who can’t even be bothered with ‘soft’ sciences, you’ve got a surprisingly artistic side to you.”

Ford blushed. “Well, it’s not like it’s _fanciful_ or anything like that. I just know the importance of accurate scientific illustration, so I worked to develop that skill.”

“Can you draw a wombat?”

“....I suppose? Why?”

“I like wombats. Could you draw that wombat in a party hat?”

“Of course I could, but--”

“You should do that. Then you’ll be a proper artist. Everyone knows you don’t count as an artist until you draw something silly.”

Ford blinked. “I’ll...keep that in mind. In the meantime, can we get back to the task at hand?”

Mika sighed. “If we must. You really think this random staff is somewhere inside the Temple of Capitalism here?”

He nodded. “I know it seems unlikely, but that’s what all of my readings have indicated.”

“Pfft. Right. Readings for a magic stick. Did you get them from a Ouija board or do you have a rod divining rod?”

Ah, yes. This was still an issue. Ford chuckled and pat Mika lightly on the shoulder. “I know that the world at large has made you doubt the existance of magic, my dear. However, it’s a reality you’ll have to make peace with if you really want to aid me in my journey.”

Mika’s eyes went wide and she smiled brightly. “Willikers! Do ya mean it, mister? Golly! I sure can’t wait to get my own special slice of magic pie! It’ll make me the coolest kid in school for sure!” She waved a hand in front of her face and was suddenly dead-pan. “Pro tip: paternalistic condescension never actually won anyone over.”

“Hmm? Yes, of course. Whatever you say.” Ford was more focused on writing a brief entry in his newest journal. Sadly, it wasn’t a very impressive one, just a spiral notebook Mika happened to have on hand. His journal entry was a reminder for him to get a nicer journal as soon as he had the opportunity.

Suddenly he stopped, as he realized something very important. “You don’t suppose they sell hard-bound journals at Marty-Mart, do they?”

“Ugh!” Mika threw up her arms then grabbed hold of Ford to drag him into the store. 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 20**

NGN: Here’s an obvious secret: everyone’s got problems. What you might not know is how often other folks’ problems can be your way out of trouble and into cash!

EI: Yeah? How does that work?

NGN: Most businesses out there exist ‘cause folks are too lazy or too stupid to do stuff for themselves. Look at mechanics, plumbers, electricians, carpenters, whatever. You can figure out how to do any of that stuff on your own if you try for a while, but most folks don’t bother.

EI: I think it’s illegal to do some of that without a license. I mean, it can be kinda dangerous…

NGN: Hah! That’s just what they want you to think! Besides, anything’s legal when there’s--

EI: Please, _please_ stop saying that. You’re gonna get us, like, quadruple arrested someday. 

NGN: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, my point is that your best way to make some solid cash is to look at a person, see what’s bugging them, then offer to make their problems go away for a small fee. 

EI: And what’s the catch?

NGN: Two catches. One, you can’t ask too many questions. If you’re working off the books it’s probably for a reason. Two, you have to be ready to run. Odds are you’re not as perfect for the job as you pretend to be. But hey, the chumps don’t need to know that until it’s too late. 

 

**Now**

"Wait. Are those Christmas decorations?"

Indeed, the store was full of green and red and an alarming number of jolly, fat elves. It caught them off guard. That was their first mistake. Suddenly Mika and Ford were knocked over by a fresh stampede of customers. Ford struggled to his feet only to block an alarmingly muscular woman's path. She picked him up by the collar and growled.

"Out of my way, weakling! No one's getting between me and the super mega pre-post-post-Christmas sale savings!"

"But...but it's February!" Ford tried to wriggle from her grasp and she scoffed and threw him over her shoulder where he landed in a pile of giant novelty teddy bears.

This time he was careful to stand _away_ from the terrifying hordes pressing through the main doors. Where was Mika? He spotted her a moment later, wide-eyed and frightened, clinging to the top of a Lego Christmas tree.

"I've never felt so sane to be Jewish before," Ford muttered to himself. He looked around. How was he going to get her down from there? He spotted a rideable child’s firetruck with an attached ladder. That would have to do. 

The discount-mad shoppers were like an actual river he had to fight his way against, but he made it to the firetruck. “This can’t be too different from a skateboard, right?” He wondered aloud. He ignored the voice in the back of his head (which sounded a lot like Fiddleford) that pointed out he’d never actually ridden a skateboard before. He put one foot on the truck’s seat and pushed forward.

Unfortunately, he’d failed to notice his foot hitting several buttons on the way down. Like the one that turned on a loud alarm. Or the one that turned the motor on. The truck moved faster than Ford’s thoughts could keep up and before he knew it he was headed straight for the Lego tree at speeds that were definitely going to hurt. Ford yelped and covered his face. 

“AAAAAAAH!!” He heard Mika’s scream as he crashed into the tree. He also heard the sound of a _lot_ of crashing Legos. Neither of those mattered to him much as Ford tried to grit his teeth through the enormous pain of landing head-first on a million tiny death-bricks.

“Whoa there! Clean up in aisle...front entrance, I guess?” said an unfamiliar voice. Ford looked up to see a black girl with thick, curly hair, a Marty-Mart vest, and an expression that was half smile, half wince. Looking around, Ford couldn’t blame her. There was devastation everywhere. Legos covered the floor. Three major displays had been knocked over. Mika had landed in a heap in a now-ruined pile of cartoon cardboard-cutouts.

Ford really hoped he wasn’t going to have to pay for any of it.

“Oh, dear.” He cleared his throat. “I’m, uh, terribly sorry about the mess! You see…”

The woman held up her hands. “Don’t worry about it! Is your friend alright?”

“The friend could be better!” Mika yelled. Ford blushed and hurried to help her up. Mika was a little shaky standing, but luckily was only a little bruised. In fact, she seemed more concerned about the employee who was watching them. “This is awful! I’m sooo sorry! We must have just made your day ten times harder, having to clean all this up.”

“You sure did!” the woman said brightly. Ford and Mika stared then exchanged a look. The woman looked like she’d been working for too long. Her eyes were wide and her hair was a little wild. Most bizarre of all, she was standing in the middle of an angry crowd of shoppers, a mess that would take hours to clean, _and_ a store that undoubtedly paid her minimum wage, and she looked absolutely delighted about it. 

“Are you...okay?” Mika asked cautiously. Ford got the feeling that the question she was really asking was if they were in trouble. 

The woman, her name-tag read Bae, flicked her wrist dismissively. “Don’t worry about it! We see worse damage all the time! Now, why don’t you two head out on the floor and enjoy the sale!”

Well, disturbed, likely over-caffeinated sales workers aside, that actually did sound like a good idea. Not the sale part. Just the getting away. Ford offered a quick thank you and then pulled Mika away as quickly as he could. 

“Do you think there are drugs here?” Mika asked. “I think there are drugs here.”

“Did you say you need drugs?!” A man in a Marty-Mart vest popped out of a rack of clothes.

“WHAA!”

“Oh, my Oppenheimer!” 

The man continued to smile and waggled the most intimidating set of eyebrows Ford had ever seen. “I got a great deal on painkillers for you! Thirty bottles for thirty dollars! Best deal in town! Tell your friends!” 

And he threw a giant box of pills at Mika then disappeared back into the depths of Women’s Jeans. 

Mika looked absolutely stricken. “I don’t think I like this place, Ford,” she half-moaned. She hugged the pills to her chest protectively.

Ford tried to look reassuring, though he couldn’t help but agree with her opinion. This place was an absolute madhouse! “It’ll be alright. We just need to get our bearings and--”

“DID YOU SAY YOU NEEDED A BEAR?!” 

“NO!” They both shouted in unison. Then they ran before they could find out just how real the hypothetical bear was. 

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 61**

EI: After that, our little hunt got...derailed.

MtV: I’ve never seen the cogs of capitalism bound so closely together. It was impossible to closely examine _anything_ , let alone find a well-hidden magical artifact.

EI: Not to mention the side-quest we wound up on because you’re the literal embodiment of an absent-minded professor. 

MtV: Um. Right. I don’t think we really need to go into that…

EI: SO, LISTENERS! GUESS WHO DIDN’T PACK _CLOTHES_ AT ALL FOR A CROSS-COUNTRY ROADTRIP? Hint: it’s my new co-host, who still won’t tell me his stage name!

MtV: And maybe I would tell you if you didn’t keep trying to humiliate me!

EI: Sorry, sorry! Anyway, you may not have packed, well, _anything_ , but I can’t fault your new wardrobe choices. We’re looking at tons of sweater vests, folks! _Hooooooot_.

MtV: Irene! I mean it! *voice begins to fade* I won’t stay on this ridiculous show if you only intend to abuse me!

EI: Abuse? No, wait, come back! *voice fades slightly* I mean it! Vests are awesome! I talk about it all the time! Here, someone put together a compilation of all the times I talked about vests being sexy on the show. It’s one of our running gags!

*several seconds of indistinct excerpts from episodes 1 thru 58, edited down for length*

MtV: Oh. How about that? I...I suppose that means I should tell you my pseudonym then.

EI: I _did_ stop mocking you for the last several minutes!

MtV: I decided to name myself after someone I admire, someone I feel a strong kinship with. 

EI: Wow, I’m actually excited. Who is it?

MtV: You can call me Meitner, short for Meitner the Vindicated. 

*short silence*

EI: Alright, go ahead and explain. I can tell you’re dying to!

MtV: Meitner was a scientist.

EI: Well, I figured it was either that or a saint.

MtV: And, this might interest you, she was a _female_ scientist.

EI: ….Goody?

*another short silence*

MtV: Ahem! In any case, Lise Meitner co-discovered nuclear fission, but was robbed of winning the Nobel Prize for her work. Only her partner was credited. It worked out in the end though, Meitner got the even greater prestige of having an element named after her! Meitnerium. So, you see, in this case she was vindicated and history eventually showed her for the genius she was.

EI: Yeah, I think I’m seeing why you relate to her. Still, not a bad name. It’s about time we got a little more educated around here. Nick always used to stop me from showing off my book-smarts on the show. Now he can’t stop me anymore!

MtV: Because he’s being held hostage?

EI: Do NOT ruin my buzz, Meitner! 

MtV: In any case, we’re getting far from the task at hand. How are we supposed to find the Staff of Owls at Marty-Mart? That stupid sale of theirs is going to last all week! We can’t afford to stay in town that long.

EI: Have no worries, my friend. I have a brilliant plan. One that will free us from the crowds _and_ get us access to all of Marty-Mart’s secrets.

MtV: Really? What’s that?

EI: We’re going….undercover!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have a bit of an ambition with this story. As much as I love Ford, he's a cartoon scientist. He's ludicrously smart, can invent world-changing things in a few hours, and can understand ANY bit of tech just by looking at it. I understand the fun of such characters in fiction, but I've also been wondering if I could write a fun scientist character who DOESN'T just hand-wave away their amazing discoveries and inventions. I want to try and make Ford's science a little more grounded in reality. That's what I already started to do by questioning his perpetual motion device and I've continued that in this chapter by talking about a scientist he admires. Please let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions on the subject!
> 
> Once again, thank you all so much for your kind comments! They mean the world to me and really keep me motivated to continue my work. Please keep them coming, whether you have questions, compliments, or criticisms. They are my life-blood!
> 
> Finally, I again encourage folks to say hi over on tumblr, where I have the name comicgeekery! See you all again soon!


	10. Back to the Past

**Chapter Ten**

**Back Then**

The only answer was to be the perfect roommate. Stan cleaned every surface at least twice. He stopped bringing guests over. He made sure he was out for long periods of time to give Mika space.

But the biggest change was the meals. Stan had never been super enthusiastic about cooking. Now he made three fresh meals everyday. The fridge was getting overwhelmed with leftovers because Mika was still weak and couldn’t eat a lot at once, but Stan still made sure there was something fresh ready any time of day. Anything to make things right. Anything that might make her forgive him.

The one thing he couldn’t do was actually talk to her. 

They had small chat, sure. It was just painful and stilted, like when Stan had first moved in. 

“Hey, I’m making pizza for dinner. What do you want for toppings?” was met with a shrug. 

“Do you mind if I play some music while I clean?” just got a shake of the head.

And, worst of all, “Do you want to get back to that book we were reading?” always, always, got a “No, thank you” in reply.

Mika had stopped reading in general as far as Stan could tell. He had no doubt she wouldn’t be eating if he weren’t making her. She hid in her room constantly and curled away from him whenever he spoke to her. He couldn’t help but think the worst. She hated him for hurting her. Maybe she was even afraid of him now. After all, why else would she still be letting him live with her?

It felt like his world was crumbling again. Any day now she would tell him to leave. And then what? Would he just go back to wandering? He had some money saved up, but not enough for a downpayment on an apartment, not with the way his boss had been shorting him lately. Just thinking about it made Stan’s chest hurt. He’d been safe! He’d been able to let his guard down! He couldn’t go back to the streets now!

At least it was warm out. It was easier to live on the streets when it was warm, even if it made the garbage stink. 

The breaking point came one night at dinner. Stan served up a casserole with a wide, forced smile. Mika just stared at her plate, which was normal enough. This time though, she didn’t hesitantly pick up her fork and chew like it was literally painful. Instead she spoke in a voice that was quiet and hollow.

“When are you going to leave?”

And, because he basically just had the one panic button, Stan got angry. 

He dropped the casserole on the table with a loud bang that made Mika flinch but he didn’t care. “So that’s how it is, huh?! I’ve been working my ass off to keep you alive and you don’t even care! You just want to kick me out onto the streets like...like some sort of pet you got tired of! Well, screw you! I know I messed up. And I...I’m _sorry_ alright? I never wanted to hurt you. I was just annoyed and I snapped and I guess you can’t handle that but...but...that’s no reason to…”

To Stan’s horror, he was starting to blubber. Damn it! Now he felt like a screw up _and_ someone was seeing him cry. He cleared his throat a few times to try and get it under control. 

“Wait...What are you t-talking about?” Mika’s voice was quiet and also choked up. They both stared at each other with a painful uncertainty. “I don’t understand why you’re apologizing. _I’m_ the one who nearly killed herself over...over _nothing_! I’m the idiot who decided she didn’t deserve to eat because you got mad at me _one time_!

Mika was crying openly now, with heavy, ugly sobs. “You’re right! You’re so right! You’ve worked so hard to make me happy and I’ve been nothing but a burden! Why in the world would you want to stay with me? I’m worthless! I’m pathetic! I’m never going to be anything better than a creepy little shut-away who barely manage to go outside when the sun is up!”

She stood and kicked at the wall then immediately yelped in pain. The wall looked unaffected. Stan wasn’t sure if it was that or the pain that made Mika cry even harder. Either way, he didn’t want her hurting herself or her security deposit. He came up behind her and held her back by her shoulders.

At the same time thoughts ran rapidly through his head. Mika thought she was worthless? Pathetic? How could anyone think that, let alone her?

A worthless person wouldn’t make him laugh the way she did. A pathetic person wouldn’t keep looking out for him day after day, even when she had so little to give herself.

How could someone who was nothing but a burden have been able to save his life?

Oh. That was a good point. “Listen, I know you’ve got a good rant going here, but you know I’m probably alive because of you, right?”

Mika shook her head. “That was nothing. All I did was open my door and let you use some space I didn’t need in the first place. Anyone could have done that. You would have been fine. I’ve heard your stories. You can survive anything.”

Great. What a great time for her to admit she believed his ‘enhanced’ accounts of his adventures. “Mika...If anyone’s a loser here, it’s me. I might’ve frozen to death in my car the night you found me. I would’ve deserved it.” He let out a heavy sigh. “The truth is, I’ve been living by the skin of my teeth for years now, charming and swindling my way from week to week. I’ve been banned from a dozen states and I’m wanted in more. I’m a leech on society and I’ve only ever been a burden to anyone I cared about.”

Mika turned her head to look at him. Stan wished she wouldn’t. Her eyes were full of pity and concern. It prickled on one level, but what bothered him more was the way that look made him feel safe. It was just like the way _she_ always made him feel safe, like she was a big fluffy teddy bear that would protect him from the world.

For the first time it occurred to him that she might deserve to know that. 

“This place...It’s nice, alright? And not just ‘cause of the town or the apartment or whatever.” Stan let go and let her face him completely. Geez, he might as well be naked as exposed as he was feeling. “It’s nice ‘cause I’ve got somewhere to do some real cooking. Because I get to have a hot shower whenever I want. Because I get to sleep in an actual bed at night.”

Mika was looking down. He could already see the doubt in her eyes again. Damn. He was doing this all wrong!

“But--No! That’s not what I mean!” he went on. “I hate cooking, but I like knowing I’m actually doing something worthwhile when I feed ya. It matters that I get hot showers ‘cause you’re gonna be there to smell me. And, well, the best of getting a real night’s sleep is knowing in the morning I get to spend another day with you.”

He was looking absolutely anywhere but at Mika now. He could feel that his face was as red as a tomato. “You...You’ve given me a home, alright? And it’s a home _because_ of you. I don’t care that you get sad or shaky or whatever. I mean, I _care_ , but doesn’t make you a burden. It just makes you someone who needs some help sometimes. And that’s okay. I can help you, just like you helped me.” He finally glanced at her. “Does that make sense?”

She was crying. Of course she was crying. Stan still kind of wanted to cry himself. But the important part was she was smiling too. It felt like the most soothing balm in the world when she finally stepped forward and hugged him.

“Thank you, Stan. I want you to know, if I saved your life you just saved mine right back.”

Things were different after that. Mika still had her rough days and Stan still had times when he snapped, but the baseline was different now. There was a security they hadn’t had before, a trust that neither of them would let the other fall. Stan hadn’t known a feeling like that since he was 17. 

Mika finally started to talk about herself more. It was no surprise that she had depression, but her history made it make a lot more sense. There was a boyfriend who’d treated her badly, a girlfriend who’d been even worse, some rough breaks in work and school, and a family who’d basically abandoned her. Suddenly Stan could see all the ways it had left her raw inside. It made him want to pound a lot of faces in. 

Still, she talked about it all casually, like it was only natural, and Stan could recognize a coping mechanism when he saw one so he didn’t make a fuss. Her demons were for her to deal with however she needed to.

A few weeks later Mika started bringing home dates from time to time. It was never anyone serious, partly because she said she wasn’t ready for that and partly because Mika was a complete snob when it came to finding someone good enough for her. Everyone seemed to leave her bored within an hour. Stan was happy for her anyway. It was about time she started getting laid again and it made it less weird when he brought over some company himself. Sometimes they even went out babe-watching together!

The question of the two of _them_ dating came up exactly once. Someone at a club asked if they were together. It happened pretty often when they went out to dance or whatever. Stan explained they were friends and the person moved on as usual, but this time Mika stared thoughtfully at her drink. (It was her third soda of the evening because she was a weirdo who didn’t drink booze but at least was always happy to drive Stan home.)

“Are we doing some sort of romcom thing?” she asked.

Stan took a sip of his beer. He was currently teetering between tipsy and flat-out drunk. “What da’ya mean?”

“You know, where two friends mean the world to each other and then one gets engaged or something and they realize they’ve secretly had romantic feelings for each other all along?” She quirked an eyebrow, curious but not exactly looking like she was on the verge of a heart-felt romantic confession.

Stan let out an enormous burp. “Nah. I’d sleep with you if I thought it wouldn’t make things weird, but you are _way_ too nerdy for me to keep up with for dating. I want a hot chick in short shorts who can beat me at arm wrestling and’ll punch any guy who gets fresh with her. She’s got to be just the right amount of crazy.”

Mika rolled her eyes and grinned. “Just not sad-crazy?”

“Right!” He punched her arm playfully. “You’re the wrong flavor for me, Bookworm. Sorry to break your heart!”

She laughed. “You are soooo drunk right now.”

“Maybe! Anyway, you know I’d make you miserable. I’m the wrong flavor for you too.”

“Oh really? And what’s my ‘flavor’?”

Stan pondered for a moment. “You’ll want your own kind of crazy too. Someone who actually gives you a challenge, someone you won’t get tired of.”

“Hmm.” Mika tilted her head and considered what he’d said. In the meantime, Stan’s phone vibrated in his pocket. 

He looked at the text message he’d just received then nearly dropped the phone in surprise. “What the hell?”

“What is it?”

“It’s...It’s a message from my brother. He says that he wants us to get in touch again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! I hope you guys like the full flashback chapter! As the different plot-threads have gotten more detailed I've felt more and more like it makes more sense to keep them in separate chapters. Now at long last you know, sorta, what broke Mika so badly. More importantly, you know exactly when she really started to heal. It's a good thing too. She and Stan both needed that before they could start The Podcast That Would Change History!
> 
> Next time we're going back to the present with Mika and the far more insufferable twin and their efforts to navigate retail hell!
> 
> As always, I do humbly beg for your thoughts, praise, critiques, and questions either here as reviews or over on tumblr under comicgeekery. (Where I am also willing to take commissions!) I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. See you again soon!


	11. Rigging for Beginners

**Chapter Eleven**

**Now**

“There’s no way this plan is going to work,” Ford said. He spoke as bluntly as he could. He had no idea if the plan could work. He just knew he really, really didn’t want to do it.

“Ford, which one of us hosts a popular show all about conning people?”

“Well, technically we both do at this point, but--”

“That’s right, _I_ do. Me. Plus I have the benefit of all of Stan’s experience to help me! Trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

Trust. There was that word again. The word that had hurt him again and again. The word that had lured him in with sweet hopes of comfort and friendship, then stabbed him in the back. No. He would never trust again, not really. He had to accept that he was doomed to travel his dangerous, weird road alone. Mika might be by his side physically, but he would never trust her or anyone else with the sort of partnership she seemed to be striving for. 

So it was with a very heavy heart that Stanford sighed and pulled on the Marty-Mart vest Mika had thrown his way. He would play along for now until a better plan presented itself. 

Today, he would work in retail. 

Ford sniffed. The vest smelled awful. “Where did you even get these?” 

Mika shrugged as she put on her own (notably cleaner-looking) vest. “I know a guy who will do _literally_ anything for a cookie cat bar. Just don’t let your fingers get too close to his mouth.”

She laughed, but Ford instinctively hid his hands behind his back. Unfortunately Mika noticed. “Hey, you okay?”

“It’s fine,” Ford muttered. “The idea of removing fingers just isn’t a very funny joke to me.” Not true of the bullies in grade school through high school. There had been more than one incident in a broom closet or the locker room where someone had pulled out a pocket knife and threatened to enforce their definition of ‘normal’. _They’d_ found the incidents hilarious.

He was abruptly pulled from his thoughts when he felt Mika’s hand on his shoulder. Her expression was bizarre. She looked...concerned. “I’m sorry, Ford. I wasn’t thinking. I won’t joke about it again.”

“It...It’s alright.” Ford waved her off, though the heat from her hand lingered. “Can you go over the plan one more time? I want to point out the flaws so you’ll realize we shouldn’t do it.”

Mika rolled her eyes. “We’ll go to the Marty-Mart when it’s opening and say we’re new hires.”

“Which they’ll have no reason to believe.”

“They’re a giant store in the middle of an enormous sale. They’re probably getting temps all the time. If anyone asks who hired us just say ‘I dunno, one of the managers. The jerk one.’ Every store has one.” Mika smirked knowingly. “That should buy us a few hours. Enough time for us to search for your magic owl stick behind the scenes and, hopefully, for a bit before the store even opens. There! Now pick _that_ apart!”

Ford wanted to. He really did. The plan was just so...so minimum-wage. It was ridiculous. Then again, the very idea of the Staff of Owls being hidden in a Marty-Mart of all places was ridiculous too. Maybe that was why it all fit together so well. Finally, he had to admit that he didn’t have any better ideas.

“Yes!” Mika cheered. “I beat the genius! That means I gain your power, right?”

Ford stared at her in disdain. Then he took a step away from her just in case. 

 

**Back Then**

It was nice to have his brother back in his life, Stan finally decided. Actually, it was really nice. For once he had family he could talk to without being overwhelmed by guilt and regret. The two of them called every now and then, but mostly they stuck to texting to catch up on the last nine years. His brother was living out west now and working independently in some obscure town, not too well-known but happy with his accomplishments. Sure, he was a little vague in some details, but Stan certainly was too.

After all, Stan wasn’t about to talk about his time as a homeless bum, or working for the mob, or running from the mob, or the way all his business ideas fell through. Instead he mostly talked about the last year, about Mika (now reading about something called neurosexism) and his construction work (that still underpaid) and his plans to rip off tourists for the next few months (he was gonna be rich!).

The best part was that his brother seemed genuinely interested in it all. It left Stan feeling optimistic, tender-hearted.

Ready to be sucker-punched.

One night Mika suggested they watch a movie. She was a nut for Disney stuff, so it was no surprise when she suggested one of their musicals. 

“You’ll love _Newsies_!” she assured him. “It’s all about old-time newspaper boys who went on strike and took down The Man!”

Stan snorted. “Yeah, sure. And they got their asses handed to them one day in, right?

“Nope. They won. Got their demands met and everything. It’s not even just for the movie. It happened in real life too.”

“Ugh. This is just another trick to try and educate me, isn’t it?”

Mika rolled her eyes. “Because heaven forbid you actually learn something.”

“Exactly!”

“Listen.” She put her hands on Stan’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “I promise this movie is delightful, minimally educational fun for the whole family. Now will you watch it with me? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?”

And, fool that he was, Stan never sensed the trap until it was too late. Because Mika wasn’t setting up a trap for his brain. No, this was a trap for his _feelings_. By half an hour in Stan had wrapped himself in a little blanket fortress so no one could tell if he was crying or not. 

_Newsies_ wasn’t just about a bunch of tough kids. It was about one kid in particular, Jack, who’d lost his family by seventeen and now lived on the streets selling newspapers through whatever lies or charm he had to so he’d have a hope of living better one day. 

It...may have hit a sore spot. 

“He...He came back in the end because the newsies were his real family all along!” Stan sniffed. “Aw geez, I must have something in my eye. Again.”

“Mmm-Hmm,” Mika agreed absently. “Yup, family certainly matters a lot, doesn’t it? I know my brothers sure mean a lot to me.”

Stan shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, brothers. They can be pretty important.”

“Of course! Even if you get distant...Or don’t get along...Or have some sort of _fight_...”

“And one stupid fight shouldn’t be the end of the world, right?” Stan punched aside his blanket. “I mean, so what if I broke his stupid invention? Is that any reason to turn your back on the best friend you’ve had all your life? I mean, fuck! It got me kicked out of the house, didn’t it?”

“Your brother got you kicked out of your home?!” There was a clatter and Stan saw a pen rolling on the floor by Mika’s feet. That was right before he saw she was holding a clipboard full of notes.

“Hey!” he yelled and made a grab for the clipboard. Mika tried to dodge, but Stan was always faster. He got it on his second swipe. “What the hell is this?”

At the head of the page it said “Subject: Stanley Pines”. Underneath were guesses at his height and weight, a list of his taste in books and how it related to his taste in women, and a big empty section that just said “Family??” at the top. Stan had the feeling that maybe he should be mad, but seriously he had no idea what to make of it.

“It’s nothing!” Mika said frantically. “Don’t even worry about it!”

“No, really, what the hell is this? Don’t make me noogie it out of you.”

Mika sighed. “You never talk about yourself! Not unless you’re making up adventures in the amazon or whatever. I’ve been trying to gather data so I can get to know you better.”

Stan slapped his forehead. “And you didn’t just ask me, why?”

“Oh, come on. When have you ever willingly been vulnerable?”

Okay, so she had a point. Still, did that mean…

“Wait a second!” Stan exclaimed. “Did you make us watch that whole movie just so you could trick me into talking about my family?”

Mika put on a strained smile, the one she wore when she really wanted to lie but knew she shouldn’t. “....Yes. Yes, I did.”

They were both silent for a moment. Stan knew that most people in his position would be mad at being manipulated, at having their privacy invaded. But he wasn’t feeling any of that. At worst he was a little irritated at himself for being caught off-guard. More than that though, he was genuinely impressed.

“Y’know, you’re a lot more of a schemer than I realized, Mika.”

“Thanks?”

He sat down next to her, put an arm around her shoulder, and pulled her in tight. Mika squeeked in discomfort. Stan ignored it. “I got a feeling just now. I think the two of us are gonna make a hell of a team!”

Mika didn’t know what he was talking about just then, but Stan got a hint of his Ma’s psychic powers. He could see the future, and it was lined with dollar signs.

 

**Now**

 

They arrived at Marty-Mart at six in the morning, an hour before the store was supposed to open. Mika had figured that would give them plenty of time to join the rest of the employees whenever they arrived. Sadly, she seemed to have miscalculated. By six forty-five the parking lot was still empty. Ford saw her getting increasingly nervous as the time ticked by and they grew numb hiding in the bushes. Would the plan fail before it even had a chance to get off the ground? Ford hoped so. Then maybe Mika would take a step back and leave any further planning to him. 

At six fifty a car finally pulled into the lot. A very nice car. A bald, middle-aged man with a goatee, puffy eyebrows, and tracksuit got out. Ford looked at him through some binoculars and saw that the man was wearing a Marty-Mart management shirt underneath his jacket. Ford gritted his teeth. Stupid plan or not, it was time to move. 

Ford and Mika exchanged a look, nodded, and made their way to the man as he unlocked the front door. He jumped as he saw them. 

“Whoa, hey! Store’s not open for ten more minutes! Get back, you sale zombies!”

“No, no!” Mika broke in with a bright smile. “We’re the new temps! Here for the sale.”

The man looked them both up and down, then scowled and took a long sip of his coffee. “Nice try, kid, but I don’t hire temps.”

“Oh, it must have been the other manager. Y’know, the one who--”

“There isn’t another manager either!” he barked back. “Listen, I’m the Marty of Super Mega Marty-Mart. I’m the alpha and the beta. I know all my stores inside-out, but _this one_ ,” he pointed to the store behind him, “is my special money-making baby. Trust me. I’d know if there were new staff on board. Now get out of here, kid! I don’t know what trouble you’re causing, but I don’t want it!”

Mika’s cheeks reddened. “Yeah? Well, you’d think someone who knows so much would know better than to call someone who’s almost thirty a kid!” She looked around for inspiration then knocked Marty’s coffee cup to the ground. “Take that!”

She ran off before he could respond. Ford shook his head. She had _clearly_ learned that move from Stanley.

“I’m sorry about her,” Ford said hastily. “She just…” Was a poorly-informed idiot? He didn’t really know how else to explain the situation.

Marty waved it off. “It’s just coffee, don’t worry about it. It’s not like I can’t afford more! Ha!” Then his expression grew serious. “Anyway, what are you doing out here? You know all staff members have to stay inside!”

“....Wait, what?”

“Oh, so you really are new, huh? Don’t worry. I’ve got an eye for you folks by now and you’re all welcome in the Super Mega Marty-Mart family! Let’s get you inside so you can meet the rest of the staff!”

Much to Ford’s confusion, Marty grabbed him by the arm and pulled Ford into the store. Ford barely had a chance to glance over his shoulder and see a flummoxed Mika in the distance before the doors closed between them. He only hoped she had the sense to let him work on his own for a bit now that her plan was somewhat under way. 

The store was eerily dark and empty as Ford and Marty traveled through it. It was like they were the tomb of an ancient queen, with an endless sea of shelves filled with treasures left in her honor. Even more impressive than the bounty though was how clean everything was. Ford had never known a department store to not have at least a hint of chaos to it: boxes left out, merchandise out of order, smudges on the display cabinets. Here there was no sign of even a hint of dust. Everything was disturbingly well-ordered and pristine. Ford suspected he could run a white silk glove on any surface and have it come up cleaner than before.

He also suspected that this perfect cleanliness was entirely thanks to the work of the Staff of Owls. 

Ford looked around carefully as they walked on past homewares, kitchenwares, tupper wares, and wear wares. There still wasn’t a sign of anyone. It was making him nervous. “So, um, Marty, where is everyone? In the, er, main office or something?”

Marty shook his head. “Nah. They usually hang out in pet supplies before opening. Think you can find your way there and warn ’em that the lights will be on soon? Oh, and ask Bae to train you. She’ll do a better job of it than I could. Knows what it’s like on the floor, y’know?”

“Sure. But where will you be?”

“In my office. Try not to bother me. You’ll regret it.” The threat came out strangely chipper. Marty practically skipped off, humming the tune to “Money”.

It didn’t take long to find the pet department. Really, the place was very easy to navigate without the terrifying press of customers all around. Someone had been very thorough with their labeling. Soon Ford came to an area full of kitty litter and fish tanks, but notably empty of any actual animals. There he found a dozen Marty-Mart employees sitting around and chatting. One was telling a story.

“So the lady says, ‘I just flew in from New York and, boy, are my arms tired!’”

Everyone laughed far more than the punchline deserved. Ford rolled his eyes. What more was he expecting from retail employees? Oh well, hopefully it would be easy to pump them for information. He waved a hand and joined the group.

“Greetings!” Ford said with a smile. “I’m your new co-worker! Marty sent me here to train me. And to show me any parts of the store that are particularly secret and mysterious. He was very specific about that.”

He recognized one of the workers as Bae, the woman who had helped him and Mika the day before after they had crashed into the giant Lego tree. She smiled and seemed to recognize him as well.

“Look, guys!” she called out excitedly. “It’s the Lego lumberjack I told you about yesterday! The one who knocked over the 100,000 piece display!” She took Ford’s hand and shook it vigorously. “I’m so happy to see you again!”

“Oh. Right. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be!” said an elderly worker with pure white hair. “It was even more fun to assemble the _second_ time!”

“WHAT’S YOUR NAME, NEW GUY?” yelled the man who’d tried to sell him drugs yesterday. He was very loud. Also, only three feet away.

“Um,” Ford hesitated. “My name is Ford...ero. Fordero...Pinstripes.” It was possibly the stupidest thing he’d ever said. They accepted it at face value.

In fact, there was a lot that the Marty-Mart team took at face value. Like Ford’s need to explore every closet, bathroom, and cupboard. Or the idea that Mika was an extremely picky customer who had to be personally escorted to every department for hours on end. By noon they had looked at every inch of the store twice with no sign of the Staff of Owls. The only place they hadn’t checked was Marty’s office and Bae swore it was off limits.

“The only way Marty will see you there is you do a good job at the questions counter!” Bae explained cheerfully. “Marty loves it when his staff members are able to answer all his customers’ questions! Think you could manage it?”

And, of course, Ford automatically assumed that answering questions meant for Marty-Mart dullards had to be the easiest thing in the world. 

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 62**

EI: This is a bit unusual, listeners, but today I’m coming to you from the floor of a large shopping mega-plex so that you can share a very special experience with me. Namely, my dear co-host has been roped into a stint of public service answering questions at the question desk. This, my wonderful listeners, could just be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. I---Oh! A new challenger has appeared!

MtV: Hello. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi! I’d like to return this water filter.

MtV: Oh. Um. This isn’t actually a returns desk. I think that’s….that must be somewhere else.

Customer: This filter is disgusting! It keeps filling my cups with dirty, foggy water!

MtV: Great. That still isn’t my problem. Maybe if you tried--

Customer: My daughter made me buy it! She thinks the water from the sink is no good but I say it’s just because that no-good wife of hers doesn’t like the faucet I installed last month! That was a present! When I was their age I APPRECIATED when the in-laws stepped in to help with things. It didn’t matter if they were “licensed” or some such. That’s what I’m always telling Robby. Just the other day I told him…

MtV: Ma’am, once again I can’t return the filter here. If you could just…

Customer: Oh yeah, the filter! I got it for my daughter’s new sink that I installed. But don’t you know it, her wife doesn’t like it. I told Robby just the other day that I was going to put that sink in and he said, he said he didn’t think it would fit but I told him it WOULD fit and so we had to turn it left, y’know. Then I thought….

EI: *snicker* Okay, I’m stepping away for a moment. I need to give you guys the full picture. This woman and her fascinating filter are at the head of a five person line that looks like it’s only going to get longer. Meitner is trapped at his little counter, looking like he wants to scream. Okay, he’s telling her again she’s in the wrong place and…..and she’s just started her story for the third time! This is amazing! Meitner is looking desperate now. He’s pulling at his hair in distress. He...Wait! It looks like he has an idea!

MtV: I’m so sorry for your inconvenience ma’am! Here! Have another filter! This one should work just fine!

EI: Wow! He seriously had the guts to hand her back the exact same box! He didn’t even hide it first! There’s no way she’ll….Nope, she just walked off, happy as a clam. Well, I guess Meitner’s lucky he’s playing on easy mode. Let’s see what the next customer has to say. This one appears to be a father with his young daughter. 

Girl: This is the question place, right?

MtV: Yes. Yes, it is. Thank you for actually paying attention.

Girl: Is it true you’ll answer _any_ question?

MtV: To the best of my abilities, yes.

Girl: ‘Kay. When were horses invented?

MtV: Well, Equus ferus evolved over millions of years from--

Father: Ahem!

MtV: Er, yes?

Father: Do we really need to bring _politics_ into this? My daughter just wants an easy answer. You’ve got some nerve trying to brainwash her.

MtV: I don’t...Wait. You aren’t calling _evolution_ political are you?

Father: Listen, I don’t care what hippie nonsense you follow instead of God. Just keep it away from my kid!

*brief silence*

EI: Listeners, I’m witnessing a brilliant battle taking place. Meitner is being torn between his great love of science and his need to make this customer happy so he can hunt through the back later for his supposed magic staff. His face has turned purple with the effort of it. In many ways, this is a classic rigger’s dilemma between integrity and survival. Will he be able to remember his ultimate goal? Or will he lose out to the one right in front of him?

MtV: …..Horses were _invented_ a very long time ago. Check the internet about it. Please. 

Girl: ‘Kay. Who are nineties kids and why does everyone keep talking about what they remember?

MtV: Because they’re people with regrets who wish they could forget. 

Girl: Why is the sky blue?

Father: Ah! I’ve got this one. It’s because God is a boy, honey.

*brief pause*

EI: Excuse me, listeners. Meitner and I need to commit a murder. 

 

**Now**

How did anyone live like this? The idiot woman with her endless irrelevant story had been bad enough, but then he was expected to deal with an _evolution denier_? In front of a _child_? It had taken all his willpower not to kick the man in the tailbone and then ask where he got it. 

And there, off to one side, was Mika laughing her head off. Ford had thought a lot of uncharitable things about Mika since they met but now, for the first time, he thought he could actually hate her. It was her fault he was at this stupid counter in this stupid vest in the first place. He was humiliating himself for the sake of finding a magic staff on a mission _she_ orchestrated. And now she was laughing at him. For all her airs of being a better person than him, was she really just a bully? On a basic level, was there any difference between her and Bill?

Ford grit his teeth and put together a somewhat coherent answer about horses. He hoped it was the only question the girl had. It was not. 

“Why is the sky blue?”

“Because God is a boy, honey.”

Ford’s jaw dropped. He...He didn’t even know where to start! The science? The misapplication of religion? The needless application of gender roles? He glanced toward Mika. Was she still laughing now?

She was not. In fact, for a moment Ford wondered where she’d gone. Then she crashed down from the sky onto the man’s head.

“CRUSH THE PATRIARCHY!!!!” 

“What the hell?!”

“Daddy!”

Ford stared for a moment, then grinned and leapt over the counter to join in the chaos. Unfortunately for the vilely offensive man, the question desk was right next to the foam weaponry department. Mika was now repeatedly bashing him with a squishy mace while he squealed in protest.

“Do I get a go?” Ford asked, barely restraining a laugh.

“No time!” Mika called back. “The girl! Educate her! Quickly!”

The young girl in question was looking at a rack of foam swords. She’d just picked one when Stanford swooped in.

“Small child! You have to listen to me! Evolution is real! Horses have existed for at least 45 million years and science is _not_ political! The sky is blue because of the refraction of light as it enters our atmosphere. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to draw you a diagram!”

The girl shrugged. “I figured it was something like that. This is why Mommy is leaving Daddy for Miss Honey. Now could you ask your friend to move. I want a turn.”

Mika quickly stepped aside to stand by Stanford. They watched in odd serenity as the girl beat her father with a foam sword and yelled about out-dated gender roles.

“Tell him that the boys being tied to blue didn’t happen until after World War Two!” Mika called. “Pink was feminized during the Holocaust because it was the color assigned to gay people!”

Ford glanced at her in surprise. “I didn’t know that. I also wouldn’t have pegged you as a historian.”

She looked proud. “I’m a gal of many talents.”

“Though apparently your passion for historical accuracy doesn’t extend to evolution. I saw you laughing while I struggled with the girl’s father.” He didn’t bother to hide the accusation in his tone.”

To his shock, Mika actually looked a little embarrassed. “I wouldn’t have let them leave the store without throwing an ‘Evolve Your Own Fruit Flies’ kit at them. It’s important to encourage kids to get into science, especially girls. But, yeah, I was having some fun watching you squirm.” She smirked at him. “It was kind of adorable.” 

Ford blushed. “I...have no idea if you’re teasing me right now.”

Honestly he wasn’t sure what response he wanted, but Mika didn’t get a chance to give one. Suddenly a barrage of Marty-Mart employees descended on them. They didn’t look happy.

Bae took charge. “Barney, Snow, secure the area. Pearl, Tauni, you’re on customer satisfaction. Screech...secure the offender.”

“YEAH!!!!” yelled Screech.

The team swooped into action. Two them picked up the father and daughter and gave them lollipops. Another two politely shooed any other customers out of the area (save Mika, who refused the shooing and any offered lollipops). Finally, Screech made a run at Ford, but Ford managed to dodge around him. They grabbed and dodged a few more times until they devolved into a slap fight.

Bae watched them both with pity in her eyes. “Okay...Okay! That’s good enough!” Both men froze in mid-slap. Screech then grabbed the side of Ford’s sleeve and smiled triumphantly. Bae had the strained look of someone trying very hard not to roll her eyes. “So. New employee Fordero Pinstripes, is it true that you deliberately went against a customer’s wishes?”

That...wasn’t quite what he’d expected to get in trouble for. “You mean telling the girl about evolution? How could I not? That was a basic service to humanity!”

All the employees gasped. Bae shook her head in deep disapproval. “We don’t serve humanity, Fordero. We serve Marty!”

Just then, Mika’s eyes went wide, as though she was experiencing a divine revelation. She looked around at the Marty-Mart staff members and laughed, louder for each person she looked at. She grabbed Ford by his Marty-Mart vest and pulled him toward her until their foreheads were pressed together. Ford blushed and tried to pull back but her grip was too firm.

“I finally understand, Stanford,” she said dreamily, her gaze unfocused.

“You do?” What did she understand? That magic was real? Bill’s true nature? How health insurance policies worked?

“Yes! We’ve been thinking about this all wrong! We never should have been looking for some stupid stick in the first place!”

“What? But the Staff--”

“Exactly!” Mika squished Ford’s cheeks between her hands. “Don’t you see, Ford? It’s all a pun! It’s all one big, stupid pun!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took so long but it was so much fun! I hope you guys enjoyed the shenanigans at Marty-Mart, but also our glimpse of where Mika got her start on the Rig Your Roll lifestyle! Every now and then even Stan can appreciate being played. 
> 
> And have you all worked out the pun? It's REALLY stupid!
> 
> Once again, thank you all for reading. You're really the ones who inspire me to keep working with all your kind words. Also, since I doubt I'll get any new reviews before this goes up, 100th reviewer gets a secret prize! Surprise! I've decided to reward visually pleasing numbers! Next up, 111!


	12. Stick to What You Know

**Chapter 12**

**Now**

“A...pun?” There was a lot going on. Ford wasn’t sure what he was missing, but he had a sinking feeling he was going to hate it. 

Mika grinned wildly. “Let me walk you through it. Super Mega Marty-Mart has a STAFF.” She gestured to the employees surrounding them. “And they’re all named after _owls_.”

“What? No they…”

“THEY KNOW OUR SECRET!” yelled Screech. “BAE, SNOW, TAUNI, BARNEY, PEARL! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOOOO?!”

Ford stared. Wait. Mika was _right_ about something? Or maybe not as right as she thought. She still didn’t believe in magic, so she was looking for a mundane solution to their situation. After all, why would Bill be interested in a bunch of retail workers? There was more going on here.

The staff all looked in Bae’s direction. She looked wide-eyed, panicked. She opened her mouth and a high-pitched hoot came out.

“What the---AAAAAAH!” Mika yelped as suddenly the air was full of feathers and intimidatingly large wingspans. 

Ford stared in astonishment. They _were_ the Staff of Owls! He’d never seen a level seven transformation up close like that before! And it was so quick! They had to be very well-practiced at changing their forms back and forth. He looked toward Mika. How was she handling this display of the supernatural? She was...Oh. She was huddled on the floor with her arms over her head, probably to protect herself from the many birds of prey now flying around in a panic.

To make matters worse, an alarm suddenly went off. Ford covered his ears as a siren sounded, telling everyone to leave the store immediately. Less than a minute later there was a series of loud thuds and the store became much darker. Looking around, Ford could see metal sheeting had come down in front of all of the windows. Someone clearly didn’t want them to get out. 

“What?” Mika finally stood up and looked around incredulously. “What the _hell_ just happened?”

“At a guess?” Ford said. “I think we just found out something we weren’t supposed to.”

 

**Back Then**

Stan was sick of getting short-changed by his boss. Sure, he and the rest of the construction crew weren’t technically ‘licensed’ or ‘legally allowed to work in the state’, but that didn’t mean they could just get pushed around and paid chump change for their hard work!

He’d been wrestling with the issue for months. Now he finally had a plan. 

The thing was, Stanley had learned a lot about himself during his years on the road (which somehow sounded nicer than his years on the streets). He’d learned he could lie, he could think fast, he could say what people wanted to hear. He could also play a lot of parts. People bought it when he played a bruiser, a card-sharp, and a charming salesman. What they didn’t buy was when he tried to sell himself as someone with an ounce of authority. Even he couldn’t take himself seriously then.

That was where Mika came in. 

The work day started normally. They were taking out a carpet and putting in a new wood floor. It involved taking out a lot of nails while swearing then trying to make a bunch of expensive boards level while swearing even more. 

“Fucking teak. Who makes their floor _teak_?”

“Hijo de puta! The coloring will _not_ pull the room together!”

“Gina, could you put your sweatshirt back on? I can’t hear when your shirt’s that loud.”

“You just don’t want to admit that Lisa Frank’s Infinity Mustaches are the wave of the future!”

“Oi! Stan! What’s your splinter count up to? We have a bet going!”

“537. 50 more and Gina wins! And she definitely _won’t_ split the pot with me!”

“I need the money. Foxytackyshirtsandonesies.edu is having a super blowout sale!” 

“.edu?”

“I will have the _entire_ text of Pride and Prejudice on my pjs! I’ll be hot as fuuuuuuuuuuck.”

Suddenly the sound of fun ending echoed through the house. Their boss Jonah came in wearing his trademark full-metal boots. Probably denting the floor as he went.

“Hello, my little worker ants,” he called. “How is the work going? Because it sounds like a whole bunch of _shenanigans_ happening on _my_ dollar.”

Everyone groaned. Jonah was an ass, an ass who liked to cut corners and pinch pennies wherever he could. Okay, so maybe there was a lot that Stan admired about the man’s business practice, but he also treated his employees like dirt and that was one thing Stan wouldn’t stoop to. 

Which is why it was a lot more calculated than it sounded when Stan muttered, “More like it’s happening on your fifty cents.”

Jonah whipped his head around. “You got something to say to me, Pines?”

“What? No!” Stan held his hands up peacefully. “Well, except, don’t you think you’re being a little harsh, the way you’ve been cutting everyone’s pay lately? That 15% really adds up, you know?”

Jonah sneered. “Your FACE adds up. Look, you idiots screwed up both the Hernandes _and_ the Chen jobs. That costs ME money. The way I see it, I’m just paying you what you deserve.”

“OR _ARE_ YOU?!” cried a booming voice. Suddenly Mika burst out of the pantry she’d been hiding in for the last five hours. She was wearing a pastel suit that almost completely fit her and her long hair was tied up in a bun. “Hello. Jonah Thomas, I presume? I’m Miranda Sveltely, Attorney at Law. I’m a lawyer.” She held up an ID and put it back down very quickly. “I understand you’ve been _criminally_ underpaying your employees?” She grabbed Jonah’s clipboard and tsked at it. “Those numbers don’t look good.”

Jonah blinked. “But...That’s just the blueprint for the house…”

Mika paused for a long moment. “Yes. Lawyers are very good at reading between the lines.”

“What does that--”

“Stop dodging the issue, Mr. Thomas!”

Next to them, Stan watched nervously. Mika was doing alright so far, but she’d never pulled a con job before. They’d spent the past week practicing every scenario they could think of for how this might go down. She wasn’t bad. She could act. She could act unnervingly well. But there was still one issue Stan hadn’t been able to coach her through. He could only hope it wouldn’t come up. 

Meanwhile Jonah was staring at Mika nervously, trying to assess the threat she posed. Then he chuckled and looked around at the crew. “Are you serious? Seriously, guys? You brought in a _lawyer_? What are you hoping to accomplish?”

His real meaning was unspoken. _Everything_ about his business was illegal, including all the work Stan and the others did. If anyone associated with the law looked at them too closely everyone would be out of a job and facing some heavy fines, if not jail time. 

Now it was time to thread a very fine needle. 

Mika cleared her throat. “I’m here because you have violated a verbal contract with your workers to pay them a certain amount for their labor. Why? Is there something _else_ a lawyer might want to see you about? Because that sounds like a fun pile of extra work!” Lawyers liked extra work, right?

“No, no, no!” Jonah said hastily. “There’s no need for any trouble! I’ll raise their salaries again right away!”

“And give them backpay.”

“What?”

Mika crossed her arms and looked down her nose at him. “You owe all your workers backpay for the time you underpaid them. Or do you need me to recite exactly what laws you violated?” She could too. Stan rolled his eyes remembering the amount of work Mika had put into memorizing the little details for her role. Still, at least she’d remembered to ask for the backpay. That part was the most important.

An hour later Jonah had written checks for everyone and told them all to take off early because he didn’t want to see their faces anymore. They all promptly took their checks to the nearest bank before Jonah could change his mind and move some funds to make the checks bounce. After that, Stan insisted they all go to a bar where everyone was welcome to buy him a drink. 

“We did it!” Mika cheered. “Charlotte, Paulo! Put something good on the jukebox; it’s time to dance!”

Next to them, Gina shook her head. “I can’t believe you managed to pull one over on Joyless Jonah. You realize he’s going to fire all of us in, like, a week, right? As much as I loved the look on his face, it’s not going to keep my kids fed.”

“I was worried about that too, for a while,” Stan admitted. “But then I got a brilliant money-making idea! With enough work for all of you!”

Everyone leaned in, curious, especially Mika. “I didn’t know you had a post-plan plan! When did you work that out?”

“A week ago when I followed you to work.”

“What!”

Stan grinned. He loved being the guy with all the cards. “That’s right. I know all about your ‘nefarious’ job. And we’re all going to follow you there!”

 

**Now**

“So, you’re back to cause more trouble, kid?”

“I’m not a kid!” Mika yelled. “I mean, geez, look at my rack! I could knock a bear unconscious with these things! And I don’t just mean at Pride!”

Normally Ford would have admired Mika’s continued confidence given that they were now entirely bound in bungee cords. However, she had just made him think the phrase ‘Cleavage of Courage’ and he was torn between blushing to death and wondering if it could be an entry in the ‘After Dark’ DD&MD expansion. (Not that he owned such a thing. At all. And even if he did it would just be for the sake of having a complete collection.) 

“Listen,” Ford said as calmly as he could, “you don’t need to worry about us! We, um, just heard the legends of the Staff of Owls and wanted to see their, er, _majesty_ in person.”

Around them the Staff members preened, some as humans and some as owls, but Marty continued to scowl at them. “Don’t try to pull that on me! You’re trying to steal my employees! Who do you work for? Best Buy? McDonalds? _Disney?_ ”

Outside, thunder rumbled ominously as though he had spoken the forbidden. 

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter who you’re with,” Marty went on. “These birds are only loyal to me! I bought them at a flea market, fair and square!”

A flea market? Immediately Ford’s mind filled with questions. Was he referring to a normal human market that a magical item had found its way into? Or could this be one of the fae goblin markets of legend? What currency had Marty paid to have the perfect staff?

Mika’s mind went along a different track. “You _bought_ them? Like they’re your _slaves_? That’s disgusting!”

“No it’s not!” Snow spoke up. “He always tells us how he treats us better than any of the workers in his other stores. He gives us three times as much work to do! Sometimes he’ll even break stuff on purpose for us to fix. (We _love_ fixing things.) And he even feeds us! Once every night he lets rats loose in the store!”

Mika and Ford both recoiled in disgust. 

“DON’T WORRY!” explained Screech. “AFTER WE EAT WE GET TO SANITIZE THE WHOLE STORE!”

“See?” Marty looked very smug. “They love me. You’ll never be able to take them away!”

“Okay….” Mika looked thoughtful and Ford had a sudden dreadful feeling that she was up to something. “Not to get all Hermione Granger on you guys, but does this guy even pay you?”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The staff looked at each other uncertainly. Finally Pearl asked, “What do you mean? We get _rats_ and _work_. What else would we want?”

Somehow Mika managed to hop to her feet and bounce over to Pearl’s side. “You poor, naive workers! You’re being… _exploited_!”

“...What?”

“Do you have any idea how many rats you could _buy_ if you had wages? He isn’t even giving you a minimum wage!”

Ford’s stomach rumbled then. “Or a lunch break. I’ve been on my feet all day. Wouldn’t you guys like the chance to, er, stretch your wings? Or get some sleep during the day?”

Suddenly Bae looked very concerned. “Wait. We’re supposed to get nap breaks?”

“...Sure! One fifteen minute break for every four hours of work and a half hour for every six hours! And the fifteen minute breaks are _paid_!”

“No!” Marty cried. “Stop! You don’t know what you’re doing!”

The owls looked at each other, seemingly communicating without speaking. Finally Bae spoke for them all. “Well. We do strive to be the perfect employees in all things. I guess we have a lot of breaks to catch up on. Staff of Owls! Assemble!”

The was a flash of bright light. When it cleared the employees were all gone, replaced by an elaborately carved wooden stick. It toppled to ground with an anticlimactic thunk. 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Marty fell to his knees, weeping rivers of tears. “The foundation of my empire! How could you do this to meeeeeee!”

Mika just stared. “Um. Okay. That was cool and all, but what just happened?” 

“I think the Staff of Owls...is taking a nap?” Ford considered. “Just how much time off did you owe them?”

“TEN _YEARS_ WORTH!”

Ford winced. Still, it was hard to feel bad for the man. He’d been exploiting the staff for years to build a business empire. He would be fine, no matter how dramatically he wept right now. 

That just left the problem of the bungee cords. Wasn’t there an untie-o-matic in aisle five?

It took a lot of hopping and wriggling, but eventually they made it. Mika rubbed at her arms in relief. 

“So…” she said slowly. “That was a hell of special effects show we saw back there, but what really just happened? Where did all the sales workers go? Are we after that stick after all?”

“Wait, what? You didn’t...I mean, you _saw_...Oh, dear.” Ford put the pieces together quickly. Mika had seen several seemingly normal humans turn into owls and then seen those same owls become a wooden staff. And yet she still didn’t believe in magic. She thought it was all some over-the-top series of special effects. Ford hated the sort of sceptic that was that oblivious. 

On the other hand…

From what he’d heard about Stan and Mika’s podcast they were very used to living a life that was all about tricking people. They survived by their wits and told others how to do the same. Was it really so strange that Mika would be reluctant to embrace the world being more fantastic than she might have ever guessed? For her point of view, an elaborate con was probably the obvious answer.

They went back to the questions desk and picked up the staff, next to the still grieving Marty. Now that his employees wouldn’t be out and about for ten years, he didn’t seem to care what happened to their wooden retreat. The staff itself was beautiful, more intricately carved than any human hands could make. 

Ford looked carefully at Mika. “Is there nothing I can say to convince you’ve just seen a display of genuine magic?”

Mika sighed. “Listen. I get that the idea of magic means a lot to you. I’m not usually one to knock other people’s beliefs. If there’s something that makes you happy, that gives you hope and makes the world make sense, then good for you. There’s just too much at stake right now. For whatever reason the Cipher’s Wheel wants this hunk of wood in exchange for Stan’s life. I’m not going to pretend it’s an exchange worth hesitating over just because you want something...something fantastic and wonderful to be true.”

To his surprise, Ford realised Mika looked sad. “Mika...do you _want_ magic to be real?”

She laughed. “Who wouldn’t? I grew up with Harry Potter and Matilda and a million superhero comics. I spent my teens trying to cast spells to make friends. I made up spirits and angels and ghosts that I was sure had ‘contacted’ me. It’s hard to let go of that sort of stuff, a world where you actually have the power to change things. That’s why it’s dangerous for me to be around a lot of charletons in the world. I still always want to believe.”

Ford didn’t know what to say to that. All he knew was that Mika’s words gave him a pang of pain in his heart. He’d tried a fruitless spell or two as a child himself, but what he recognized far more was the feelings of loneliness that had driven him to it. 

“I...I used to feel that way too,” he said with a thin smile. “You could say that’s why I became a scientist!”

But Mika didn’t smile back. Instead her lips pressed into a thin line. “Oh, really? Good for you.” Then she firmly took the staff from Ford and weighed it carefully in her hands. “Anyway, we’d better get going. We have a very important call to make.”

“We do?”

“Oh, yes.” This time she grinned, though without a hint of kindness. “We’ve got the first item on our list. The Wheelies owe us now.”

Ford’s eyes lit up. “You mean…”

“Right. It’s time to talk to Stan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you been missing Stan in the present? Are you concerned for his well-being? Are you worried about what Bill is up to? Well, all your concerns will, well, they'll be addressed anyway. See you in the next chapter!
> 
> As always, thank you readers for your kind words and attentions! Your reviews give me life!


	13. High Hopes and Vertigo

**Chapter 13**

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 2**

EI: Alright, next up we have a question from a listener.

NGN: Seriously? We have listeners already?

EI: Okay, not really. But I have a question a listener _might_ ask!

NGN: Of course. Whatever, let’s hear it.

EI: Ahem. “Hey there, Nick and Irene! I’m a huge fan of Rig Your Roll and I’d love to join the rigging lifestyle.”

NGN: Well there’s your first mistake.

EI: Sell your brand, Nick. Sell your brand! Anyway, “My concern is that it might take a lot of money to get started. I can’t afford a bunch of lockpicks, costumes, and make-up kits! Is all that really stuff I need to start conning my way to financial stability?”

NGN: Wow, we sure got an eloquent listener there. 

EI: Oh, shut up and answer the question!

NGN: The short answer is no. At least not until the official Rig Your Roll store is up. Then you will _absolutely_ need everything in it. To really get started though, all you need is two things: a lot of personality and a pocket knife. 

EI: Really? Just a pocket knife?

NGN: You’re damn right. A good pocket knife can get you through just about anything. And I don’t mean one of those fancy things with fifty different tools. One of the slim numbers will do the job. Just make sure it’s got a knife, a screwdriver, and some scissors. Tweezers too I guess. That’ll be enough to pick plenty of locks, cut through rope, puncture tires, take important stuff apart, and in a pinch it can even give you a blood-based disguise!

EI: That’s...terrifying.

NGN: Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be your blood. Just remember, when all else fails a pocket knife will get you out of more jams than your fist will.

 

**Now**

They left him alone for the first few days. He got a bit of food, but not much. Stan figured they were trying to wear him down. He wondered what their tactics would be when they finally decided to talk to him. Torture? Trying to get information out of him or maybe just hurting him as a way of hurting Ford? Maybe. That would depend on how much they knew. Stanford hadn’t given a crap about Stanley for years. While getting Stan’s ear in the mail would probably still be unsettling, Stan doubted Ford was losing any sleep over Stan having to face some of the pain he had coming to him.

But maybe it wouldn’t be about pain. Maybe they’d try some of the good cop tactics on him. “Hey, Stan. Your brother’s an asshole. Wouldn’t you like to get even with him? Tell us all his weaknesses and you’ll get to be the first one to punch him in the face. Again.” Stan hoped they’d be stupid enough to try that one. It would be a lot easier to play along and give Ford and Mika time to come back for him.

If they ever did. 

Nope! No! Not going there! Lose hope and you might as well be dead. Mika had taught him that the hard way. He had to believe they were out there, alive and well, working their asses off to save him. Ford...well, he still had no idea what the hell was going on with Ford, but Stan had complete faith in Mika. They were a team. She would never just abandon him. He trusted her the way he wished he could still trust his brother.

He was locked in a pretty simple room. It looked like a former storage area of some kind. It had a few crates, a rusty sink, a basic cot, and a nasty bucket in the corner that was smelling worse by the day. Actually the whole set-up made Stan optimistic. One lesson he’d learned years ago was that anything you could get your hands on was a potential tool, even if it was a bucket full of shit. It would take a bit of time to get a feel for the situation, but Stan was pretty sure he’d be able to escape in a week, two at most. 

Just then there was a quick knock at the door. When it opened Detective Daniels was there with her gun at the ready. Stan was glad he hadn’t tried to rush her. Behind her was Bernice, looking both thrilled and apologetic.

“Hi, Nick!” Bernice called with a squeal. “How have you been doing? I hope being a prisoner hasn’t been _too_ bad. I mean, Bill needs us to hold on to you and all, but that doesn’t mean we need to be bad hosts, right? Are you comfortable? Has the food been alright? Do you need someone to empty your poop bucket?”

Daniels reached out a hand and gripped Bernice’s shoulder firmly. “We aren’t here to be housekeeping. Stay focused.”

Bernice quieted immediately and looked away with a sheepish expression. Daniels continued. “So. Stanley Pines. The unlucky identical twin thrown into a whole heap of trouble he barely understands. It’s like something out of a soap opera, isn’t it?”

“Heh.” Stan smirked. ‘The unlucky twin’ did pretty much summarize his life. “I’ve had worse.”

“I know.” Daniels smiled right back, tight and cold. She held out a hand and Bernice gave her a thick folder. Stan’s heart beat faster as Daniels flipped through it. Thick folders always made him nervous. They meant that someone had been doing their homework.

“I’ve been reading up on you, Stanley ‘No-Good Nick’ Pines.” She read from the file. “Aliases include Steve Pininton, Stetson Pinefield, Andrew ‘Eight-Ball’ Alcatraz, and Hal Forrester. You’re wanted in Columbia and a remarkable number of US states. Charges include theft, B&E, impersonating a doctor, pug smuggling, grand theft, counterfeiting, assault, and copyright infringement.” She looked up. “Does that sound about right?”

It was...Well it scratched the surface of his trouble-making history. Still, no one had ever put together that much of a unified history on him before. This detective clearly knew her stuff and had some serious strings to pull. He had no doubt she could put him away for a long time with the information in that file.

Stan did his best to shrug it off. “Hey, I didn’t choose the name No-Good Nick for fun. But what are you going to do, arrest me? I’ll definitely have some interesting stories to tell the feds about _you_ if you do.”

Daniels shook her head. “You misunderstand me, Pines. I’m not threatening you. I’m offering you a deal. Cooperate with us and I can make everything in this folder disappear.”

“What?!” Stan’s eyes went wide. “There’s no _way_ you’ve got that kind of pull.”

“I don’t. Bill does.”

There was that name again. Bill. The name that terrified Ford and left the cultlings in awe. Just who the hell was he? Before he’d seen several people act like _they_ were Bill, but if it was a title it got passed around awfully fast. Maybe it was a con a handful of secret members were pulling. Maybe they had a signal they gave each other to make it look like Bill was a spirit that traveled from one person to another. That wouldn’t be a bad ruse. If he ever got out of here he’d have to try it someday.

“Alright…” Stan crossed his arms and leaned against a wall. It was interesting that they hadn’t tried to restrain him. “And what is it you, sorry _Bill_ , wants in return? Ford? Because he’s kinda already running around as your little errand boy.”

Daniels looked away. Just for a second she looked uncertain. “Right now Bill...has a plan for your brother. That doesn’t change the fact that Stanford betrayed Bill and destroyed Bill’s only chance to come to Earth and help us ascend as a species.”

“Right, right. I was wondering exactly what flavor the Kool-Aid was around here.”

“I know how it sounds. To a conman with a history like yours, I doubt you believe _anything_ that sounds too good to be true. That’s fine. I’m not here to sell you on our organization.” Daniels waved the file in Stan’s face. “I’m offering you a straightforward deal you can believe in. Just give us a little information about your brother and your criminal record goes away forever. Or at least until you build a new one, that is.”

As opening bids went, it wasn’t a bad one. Still, Stan wasn’t ready to bite just yet. He and Daniels were playing a game with two levels here. She was probably bluffing about his record and she knew enough to realize that anything he said off the bat would be a lie. They were both fighting to see who could keep their con going the longest before they had to offer something real. Stan held back a grin. He lived for this sort of game. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Stan said coldly. “I know what I’ve done in my life and if I have to I’ll pay the price for it. I’m not going to let my bro hang just to get out of trouble.”

“How honorable. Are you sure he’s worth it? From what I hear he abandoned you, pretended you didn’t exist for ten years. You know he hates you, right?” 

Stan couldn’t help it, he flinched. He’d known this was probably coming, but he still flinched. He told himself she was lying. He told himself it didn’t matter if she was lying. There was one thing in this world he was absolutely never going to do, and that was turn against his brother. It didn’t matter how much Ford hated him, Stan wouldn’t fail his twin. Not again.

Still. He flinched.

It was likely that Detective Daniels had more to say after that, some psychological chess move to make. She never got a chance. Bernice shoved her to one side and threw herself at Stan, grabbing him into a tight hug.

“I’m so soooooorry!” Bernice cried. “I know we’re supposed to trick him, but I _can’t_! Not now that I know No-Good Nick’s tragic backstory!”

“Bernice…” Daniels ground out the name between her teeth.

“He loves you! He loves you _so_ much Ni--, er, Stan!” Bernice smiled, looking giddy. “Bill told us all about it! Ford wanted to contact you years ago, but he also didn’t trust Bill. He decided it was too dangerous. He pretended to hate you to keep you away and keep you safe. He didn’t realize that Bill could always see the truth inside his mind!”

“That’s enough, Bernice!” Daniels growled and grabbed Bernice by the arm, yanking her towards the door. The detective was blushing fiercely now at having her negotiations so embarrassingly undermined. “We’ll finish this later, Pines!”

“Everything will be fine, Stan!” Bernice called as she was dragged away. “Your brother loves you and you and Mika are gonna get married and be happy forever! Remember! She wouldn’t have kissed you if she didn’t--”

The door slammed shut and Stan breathed a sigh of relief. He’d forgotten. These people were idiots. They’d just told him the one thing he’d always needed to know. It was….It was both too much to process and the simplest thing in the world. Ford had always cared about him, even during their years apart. Of course he had. Stan almost felt embarrassed that he’d ever thought otherwise. He felt absolutely elated! Nothing would stop him now!

He went to a small crack in the corner and began to whistle, mostly to sound innocent. He pulled out a small pocket knife that he’d practically swallowed a week ago. 

Mika had passed it to him with a kiss and a mischievous smile. It was time to do her proud and cause some trouble...

**Back Then**

“It’s called an escape room. You lock people in a room for an hour and they have to solve all sorts of weird puzzles to get out before they run out of time.” Mika gestured to herself proudly. “I’m the general designer. I come up with the puzzles and the layouts of the rooms.”

Stan cut in. “And it just so happens that her boss, Angelica, is looking to add a new room to the business. After all, folks can only go through the rooms once before they know all the secrets. That’s where you guys come in!” 

“I need builders!” Angelica said happily. She was a charming woman with a habit of getting lost in her thoughts whenever she started focusing on a project. Mika had worked for her for nearly a year, largely with the job of making sure Angelica’s business plans made it to reality. 

Stan’s construction friends were skeptical. 

“That sounds great,” said Paulo, “but do you really have enough work to keep us all busy? To pay us?”

Angelica nodded. “Mika and Stan have made some very exciting suggestions for how we can expand the business. The big problem with escape rooms is that they’re only good for one go for any group. I want to try and fix that. So, one thing I need is for you to build a new room, but also some portable mini-rooms that you can take around town and use to get extra customers and advertise the business!”

“Right,” Stan stepped in. For once his charming smile was genuine. He really believed this could work. “So, yeah, you’ll only be building stuff every now and then, but we’ll also need you to man the mini-rooms once they’re done! There should be plenty of work for you at least through the summer, probably through the fall too. That’s more than Jonah would have offered you.”

Stan watched his friends closely and was glad to see them begin to nod and smile and begin to make plans for the future. Mika was grinning at him like he was the most brilliant man in the world and, to be honest, he really felt like he was just then. Everything was falling into place. He not only had a job, he had a better one. He had a home. He had a best friend. He had people who trusted and respected him for real reasons, not ones he made up. Everything felt perfect.

Well, almost perfect. He doubted he’d ever really feel content without…

Argh! Could he not even think his name? Stanford, alright! His twin! The stupid brother who hadn’t so much as spoken to him in nearly ten years. Why did he still _matter_ so much? Why couldn’t Stan move on?

“You’re thinking about Ford again, aren’t you?” Mika put a hand on Stanley’s shoulder and looked at him with concern.

“What are you, getting into mind reading now?”

Mika snorted. “No, he just seems to be on your mind a lot since you started telling me about him last week. I’m starting to think he’s been on your mind a lot for a long time now.”

“Well, he made a hell of a last impression,” Stan said darkly. Then he sighed. “Do you...Do you think it’s stupid? That I keep clinging to the idea of him the way I do? Should I just forget that I ever had a twin? Maybe that would hurt less.”

“Oh, Stan.” Mika leaned in and gave him a tight hug. “It’s not stupid. Even if you never see him again, growing up with Ford still made you who you are. I’ve...had a rough family life myself. You know that. If there’s one thing it’s taught me, it’s that love is complicated. You can love someone and hate them at the same time. You can have someone love you and yet never treat you kindly. It’s...okay. It’s okay to keep feeling love even if it hurts. Just remember to love yourself too.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Stan rolled his eyes, but he still squeezed back before backing out of the hug. “I just wish I didn’t feel this big ol’ gap in me every time I thought the word ‘family’, y’know?”

“I know. Me too.” Mika sighed and looked away for a moment then shook herself out of whatever dark turn her thoughts had taken. “Anyway, at least you’re talking to your other brother! Shermie, right? Why don’t you invite him to come visit?”

That...wasn’t a bad idea actually. They had a fold-out couch he could sleep on and if he came in a few weeks he could even see the new escape room in action. Shermie’d probably get a kick out of that. Stan texted his brother before he could lose his nerve. A minute later his phone beeped. Stan read the message with his heart in his throat. At first he was disappointed. Then he felt a weird giddy feeling form in his stomach, something that made him feel sick and excited at the same time.

“So what’s the verdict?” Mika asked.

“Shermie says he’s sorry. He’s too busy at work to take any trips right now. But…”

“But what?”

Stan smiled. “Shermie’s also got a couple of kids. I haven’t seen them since the day they were born. Mika, how’d you like to meet my niece and nephew?”

 

**Now**

It was a few days later before Stan heard anything from his captures again. He’d continued to be treated pretty well, all things considered. Some guards had even let him take a shower a few times. They didn’t let him have a razor though, so his face was getting scruffy.

The guards around here didn’t talk much no matter how much Stan joked around with them. He figured they’d been ordered not to talk to him. That was fine. He was still learning faces and mannerisms at least. For instance, there was this one guy who was really more of a kid. He was chubby and buck-toothed and always fumbling a bit. He couldn’t tie proper knots to save his life. Still, he seemed to like it when Stan told some of his more fanciful stories. Stan suspected the kid was a Rig Your Roll fan. Maybe Bernice was telling more members of the Cipher’s Wheel about the show. Stan hoped it would help him win some allies.

To his surprise, he got to see Bernice again. She came into his cell one day with Detective Daniels, looking away from him and carrying a laptop. She waved just a few fingertips in greeting even though Daniels glared at her murderously. 

“It’s your lucky day, Pines,” Daniels said coldly. 

“Aw, c’mon Danny,” Stan smiled. “Aren’t we on a first name basis yet?”

“No.”

“Fair enough. What’s so lucky about today?”

Daniels gestured to Bernice and the laptop. “Our wise and benevolent leader has decided to reward your traitorous brother for finding the first magical artifact on his list. Basically, you’re getting a phone call. Use it wisely. Any funny stuff and we’ll cut it off immediately.”

For a moment Stan just stared. He was going to talk to Ford? And maybe Mika? He could find out if they were okay? This wasn’t an occasion where Stan could keep his cool. He practically dove for the laptop.

Bernice chuckled. “Hold on, big guy! Let me set it up first!”

“I can make a skype call just fine, thanks.”

Bernice rolled her eyes. “Well sure, anyone can. This is in google hangouts though. That’s why you need professional techie help from me.” She winked at him and Stan backed away. Maybe this was her excuse to be able to see him again. Alright. He could play along with that. 

Soon the call was set up. The laptop was ringing. 

Then Stanford Pines' face filled the screen.

There he was. His brother. His hair was messed up and he had a few feathers on him but besides that he looked like he was fine. Stan practically collapsed with relief. 

“Stan? Stanley? Can you hear me? Are you alright?” Ford’s voice came through the speakers with remarkable clarity. Maybe Bernice really did know her computer junk.

“Sixer!” Stan called. “I’m here! I’m fine so far. These blockheads haven’t touched me. How have you and Mika been doing?”

Ford smiled. It was the first time Stan had seen his twin smile in ten years. “We’re doing well. We just recovered the Staff of Owls which was...not quite what I expected. Mika was actually quite clever in helping me retrieve it. We even got to see a mass level seven transformation, if you can believe it! I wish you could have seen it, it was…” 

Ford paused and his smile faded. “Stanley, there’s something you should know before anything else interrupts us. I...you see…” Stan’s heart pounded. Was Ford going to tell him how he’d been staying away for Stan’s own safety? Not that Stan doubted it, but it would still mean everything to hear it from Ford himself. 

Unfortunately, Ford couldn’t seem to find the words to explain himself. He looked pained and conflicted. He couldn’t look Stan in the eye. After a long moment of silence a voice off-camera said, “Oh, for crying out loud!” and Ford was shoved out of the frame. Mika took his place, looking equally disheveled and covered in feathers.

“Hey there, partner in crime!” She smiled widely at the sight of Stan. “How’s it been going? Is being a hostage a real picnic?”

Picnic? Aw, geez. Stan was never going to hear the end of this. A while back Mika had gone on an enormous comic binge and had forced Stan to agree to a series of codewords for ‘My life is in danger’, ‘I’m not a clone’, ‘I have to pretend to be evil for a while’, and ‘I double secret promise that I’m not an evil double or otherwise not in control of my body.’ She’d be gloating for the rest of her life that her crazy, sci-fi paranoia had actually become relevant. 

“Everything’s peaches here, Mika. It’s as cozy as a train ride to San Francisco. Now, not that it ain’t great to see ya, but could you put Ford back on? I think he had something important to say.”

“Oh? Oh. Right! Of course! Get back here Ford, you coward, and tell Stan the truth about that stupid science fair!”

The science fair? What did that have to do with anything?  
Ford came back into the frame and sat next to Mika, looking grumpy. He didn’t say anything until Mika punched him in the arm. He winced. “Stanley, I owe you an apology.” 

There was something Stan had longed for for years but never thought he’d hear. It felt like a kick in the gut but, like, in a good way. “I..What?”

“My project at the science fair...that...That wasn’t your fault. It was mine. It never...That is...Oh, damn it all! Stan, I’m sorry I never stood up for you when our father threw you out.” Ford was blinking excessively, like he was trying not to cry. “Even if it _were_ your fault. Even if you ruined my future on purpose, you didn’t deserve to be thrown out on the street like that. I’m sorry...I’m sorry I wasn’t a better brother.”

Stan was stunned. Mika looked stunned too. Bernice in the corner started to squeal with delight. Only Daniels looked annoyed with the whole situation. 

“Yeah, that’s great. Very touching. Now if you’ve got anymore heart-wrenching confessions to make I suggest that you hurry up. I’m only giving this call another minute.”

Stan growled. “Always knew I couldn’t trust cops.” He turned back to Ford. “I...Thanks. That means a lot. We’ll sort out the rest when of this is done, alright? For now, what should I know about these nutcases? Who the hell is Bill?”

On the screen Ford’s face grew serious. “Bill is the most deceptive and evil creature I’ve ever met. I know you probably don’t believe in the supernatural, but _trust me_. Bill is a demon who will appear in your dreams! He’s a yellow triangle and he wears a top hat and---”

Suddenly Ford’s picture froze. Stan went cold. He glared up at Daniels who, sure enough, was holding some sort of remote, probably one that had turned off the wi-fi or something. She’d decided Ford had said too much in his bizarre speech and now, yet again, Stan hadn’t gotten the chance to tell his brother good-bye.

He didn’t think logically. He just attacked. He punched. Daniels dodged and kicked him in the ribs. He hunched over then sucker-punched Daniels in the gut. It was a pretty even fight, or at least it would have been if Bernice hadn’t been there. 

Bernice, who still had her taser. 

It was less than a minute before Stan was writhing on the ground while Bernice spewed apologies above him. 

 

**That Night**

When Stan fell asleep he wasn’t at surprised to see a triangle with a top hat in his dreams. After all, Ford had practically put it there.They were in a room full of floating things: owls, corndogs, wolves, dolls, the Stanley-mobile, and Ford’s journal. It all rotated around the cartoonish triangle guy who was floating a few inches off the ground, taking eggs from a carton, and dropping them on the ground to watch them splatter.

Trippy. Oh, well. Stan had had weirder dreams.

“Let me guess, you’re supposed to be Bill, right?”

The triangle looked up. It didn’t have a mouth, but somehow its one eye managed to like gleeful. “Oh, I’m much more than that, Stanley Pines!” The room darkened and Bill began to glow. “I’m the beginning of nightmares and the end of the world. I’m the destroyer of flat minds, the creator of endless screams, and the god of chaos! I could warp your mind until you thought your arms were bacon and you ate them to the elbows!”

Lightning flashed, wind roared. Stan backed away nervously only to feel something hit his shoulder. He turned to see Bill again, now looking much smaller and, frankly, adorable. 

“Boo!” Bill squeaked then laughed, filling the whole room with the sound. “Gotcha! Nah, I’m just some weird little dream guy. Nothing to worry about.” Then he floated to the ground and started dropping eggs again. “Say, I’ve got an idea for that ‘podcast’ of yours, Mackerel.”

Stan honestly had no idea what to make of everything that had just happened. He sat down in a chair that conjured beneath him. “Yeah, what’s that.”

Bill gestured at the broken eggs on the ground. For the first time Stan noticed that the yolks looked disturbingly like human faces. “These guys, they’re pretty easy to break. All you have to do is let gravity do its thing. But what if the egg’s hard-boiled, huh?”

“Uh…” Stan shrugged. “I guess it would be a bitter tougher, but it’s still just an egg. Just drop it from higher up.”

Bill’s eye narrowed. “Exactly. Sometimes you can just tell when you’re going to have to raise something up to really make it break.”

They were on the edge of a building, so high up Stan couldn’t see the ground. Suddenly nothing seemed more important than saving the egg in Bill’s hand. But it was too late. Bill dropped it over the side. It fell, whistling, toward the ground. It would fall for a very long time.

“Now,” Bill said, turning back to Stan, “why don’t you tell me a little bit about Mika?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting a bit longer for this one folks. I hope it's been worth the wait! I've been extra busy lately because I've been doing COMMISSIONS for people as holiday presents! Do you have a story you'd like me to write? Because I will! For money!
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for being the readers you are! Please review to let me know what you think of Stan's predicament and hope that you all are having a wonderful holiday season! Next chapter, we get to see how Mika and Ford get along when they _aren't_ in the middle of hunting down a magical artifact and just have to deal with each others' company. Wish them luck!


	14. Dreams Come True

**Chapter 14**

**Now**

“We should really start thinking about our next episode.” 

Ford paused mid-chew of his baked potato and raised an eyebrow. “Whaw awe ew tawking about?”

Mika frowned and brushed a few stray pieces of potato off her face. “I’m talking about our _show_ , y’know, the _podcast_? So far our listeners have stuck with us, but I’m getting a lot of mixed reviews about you replacing Nick and the whole ‘storyline’ about Nick being kidnapped and you and me being on a road trip. Most folks are assuming Nick was arrested and that I’m on the run. We need to solidify the story we’re going to give the listeners from this point on.”

“...Oh. That.” Ford rolled his eyes. “I’m sure whatever you come up with will be fine. I’m only doing that ridiculous show because it’s one of Bill’s conditions for Stanley’s welfare.”

As far as Ford was concerned, that settled the question. He didn’t realize otherwise until he heard the sound of long nails slowly drumming on the tabletop. He looking up to see Mika watching him through narrowed eyes.

“....Yes?” 

“Just out of curiosity, is there anything about me you respect? _I’m_ the one who got us out of the Cipher’s Wheel’s clutches and _I’m_ the one who got us that stupid owl stick. Yet all I hear from you is criticisms or just flat-out dismissing the things that matter to me. Rig Your Roll has changed my life! I’m not going to let it die out while Stan’s counting on me to keep it going!”

Of all the absurd things! “Are you seriously wasting your time caring about a stupid little internet show while we’re being manipulated by a demon who wants to destroy the world!”

This time it was Mika who rolled her eyes, just like she did everytime Ford brought up the supernatural. He scowled. He was getting very tired of not being taken seriously. “And I don’t think you should be so proud of your accomplishments! After all, don’t forget that _you_ are the reason we’re in this situation to begin with! If you hadn’t threatened to sell my journal--”

“Can I get you guys anything? Need any refills?” It was their server, a tall, skinny, blonde woman with a name tag that read ‘Holly’. Ford had ample time to notice all these details because Holly and Mika took their time sharing a long, lingering smile as Holly refilled Mika’s water glass.

“Thank you,” Mika said. “The only refill I needed was a dose of the sunshine you bring into the room.”

Holly blushed and winked before returning to the kitchen. Mika sat back looking very pleased with herself. Ford held his head in his hands, as he felt a wave of resentment for the world in general. He was awkward around women in general, now he had to deal with _two_ attractive women flirting right in front of him? He would never fall for a fair world bias again. 

Wait. “Aren’t you involved with Stan? You kissed back when we--”

Mika grinned. “And that was what I wanted you to see! I was telling the truth when I told you Stan and I are just friends. Still, people don’t ask questions when they see a man and a woman kiss. I was able to hand, er, tongue off a pocket knife and no one was the wiser!”

“That’s disgusting.”

“What, smuggling via mouth?”

“No, just kissing Stanley. I was hoping you at least had hormones as an excuse.” Ford was gratified to hear Mila snort. “So are you a lesbian then?”

“Does it matter?”

“No! No, of course not! It’s just…” _This will be easier if you’re unattainable._ “We’re apparently going to be working together for a while. Perhaps we should get to know each other. Then we can waste less time on fruitless arguments on who is worthy of respect and so forth.”

The truth was that there was a powerful conflict going on in Ford’s mind. On the one hand, Mila was annoying and condescending and just generally frustrating. She clearly didn’t respect him or his genius.

On the other hand, she was pretty and witty and had already spent more time with him than any other woman he’d ever known outside his family. He wanted to impress her. He wanted her to like him. He wanted to have a reason to hold her hand again.

It was distracting. It was unacceptable. He had much more important things to be worrying about than an occasional rush of hormones and the frustrating reminder that he still hadn’t had a proper girlfriend despite wanting one very _very_ badly. It was just hard to ignore those thoughts with someone you were driving in a car with all day. Everything would be much easier if she were a lesbian.

“No, I'm bi.”

Shit. “Ah. Lovely.”

“Sure? I guess? I enjoy it anyway.”

Alright, this called for a new approach. The subject needed to be changed. Immediately. Suddenly, as had happened many times in his life, Ford got a brilliant idea.

“I know what we can do for our next episode!” Ford said enthusiastically.

He didn’t explain. He just hurried Mika back to the car and grabbed a to-go box for the lunch she’d barely touched. 

“Are we going somewhere special?” Mika asked. “We’ve still got a few states to cover before we hit the next item on the list.”

“We need to find a building that’s big, spacious, and empty.” Ford thought for a moment. “I suppose you had better choose it so you don’t accuse me of doctoring the space.”

Mika raised an eyebrow, quizzical but intrigued. “Okay, I can do that. But what’s this all about?”

“I’m going to prove to you that magic is real!”

Slowly Mika broke into a wide, mischievous grin. “Oh, it is _on_.”

They hoped into the car and hit the road again. Soon silence settled between them again.They had to drive all the way to Oregon from the other side of the country. That meant a lot of time sitting next to each other in a smelly car, staring at a barely-changing landscape. Highway hypnosis became a problem pretty easily so they’d agreed to drive for twelve hours a day in alternating two-hour shifts. 

Right now it was Ford’s turn. He was glad he had a project to focus on for this stretch. Honestly, despite his fear for his brother’s well-being and the stress of figuring out how to stop Bill, this trip was turning out to be surprisingly boring. He supposed it might be easier if he tried to speak to Mika a bit, but he wasn’t really interested in finding out new ways that she thought he was an idiot, which remained one of her favorite topics. 

They were on the road for about half an hour when Ford noticed she was squirming in her seat next to him, making little squeaking noises and looking generally uncomfortable. 

“Is something wrong?” Ford asked at last.

“I can’t take it anymore!” Mika cried. “I going out of my mind with boredom over here! This is the dullest adventure I’ve ever been on!”

“You brought plenty of books. Why don’t you try reading something to enrich your mind?” Ford said the last part sarcastically. He’d seen some of the romance novels and fairy tale collections Mika had packed. He doubted there was anything particularly enriching in there.

Mika scoffed. “Let me guess, you’ve never read anything but textbooks, right? Truly, you are the most learned of us all! Geez, you’re such a wizard.”

“...What? Did you start believing in magic when I wasn’t looking?”

She shook her head. “No, I mean like in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons. You’re just a stereotypical wizard, spending all his time studying and working with magic, thinking that makes him the smartest person in the room. Well, I’ve got news for you, mister! My INT is pretty darn impressive too!”

Ford didn’t say anything for a long moment. Instead he carefully slowed the car down and parked on the side of the highway. 

“Is...everything okay?” Mika asked.

Ford stared at her, very intensely.

“You’re kind of scaring me. What is it?”

“You don’t have to try this hard, you know,” Ford finally said.

Mika blushed. “What? What do you mean?”

“I mean that I can tell you’re trying to win me over with your con-woman tricks! Nice try, but no one who looks like you actually _plays_ DD &MD!”

“What do you mean, ‘looks like me’? What’s wrong with how I look?!”

“It’s obvious! You’re too,” he gestured vaguely at her blue hair and hipster clothes, “ _cool_.”

Ford didn’t know what to make of the look Mika gave him at that. He was equally confused when she started laughing her head off. “Are you...surprised that I saw through your ruse?”

Mika had to take several deep breaths before she got ahold of herself. Even then she was still shaking with repressed laughter. “It wasn’t a _ruse_. I just wanted you to know I like the same game you do! And also to poke fun at you again.” She sighed. “I told you once that I’d hoped we could be friends. Part of that is because I don’t know many people who like tabletop RPGs. I haven’t played a real DD &MD campaign in years. I thought maybe we could talk about something we had in common for once.”

“...And you decided to start that conversation by insulting my favorite class?”

She laughed again. “I knew it! I knew you were the type to always play wizards! Of _course_ you would go for the brainy pain-in-the-ass class!”

Ford blushed, but also smiled. This was the most pleasant surprise he’d had in weeks. He drove the car back onto the highway. “Oh, really? And what class do you play that’s so great? Rogues? Sorcerers? _Rangers_?”

“Is it really that hard to figure out?” she asked with a smirk.

Ah. Of course.

“Bards!” they said simultaneously, then laughed.

“So, you like to be the musical showboater who needs all the attention in the party? I suppose that sounds like you,” Ford said with a smirk. Then he panicked. What if she didn’t know he was joking? “What I mean is…”

Mika flicked the side of his head. “What you mean is, once again, you’ve only seen what I’ve wanted you to. There’s more to it than that.”

“Oh? Like what?” He glanced in her direction and she winked.

“I saw that journal of yours. It was full of mysterious messages and codes (though not very good ones). You like secrets and mysteries. Why don’t you spend some time trying to figure out some of mine?”

Ford’s brow wrinkled. “Can’t you just tell me? I think we have troubles on our hands without adding mysteries.”

Mika laughed. “Stan always complains that I’m too secretive. I’m just...guarded. I like bards because they’re good with people, they’re great entertainers, but most of all they _know_ things.”

“Ah, of course!” Ford smiled. “Bardic knowledge! They have all forms of knowledge as class skills.”

“Exactly! It’s the bards that know about all the culture and history and magical secrets but no one ever thinks of that! Everyone just cares about slinging fireballs and smashing heads in. They forget how important the _role-playing_ is in the game!”

“I agree completely! I once played a wizard who was on a quest to find his long-lost sister who was secretly a dragon (long story) and my party couldn’t have cared less! It was all about getting from one fight to the next with them.” He paused. “So, ah, was your point that you like learning? About numerous topics?” 

Mika grinned. “You saw my apartment. It was packed to the brim with books! Did you think they were just decorations? You really need to learn how to start making connections if you want to be a proper Rig Your Roll host. It’s all about reading between the lines and figuring out things that folks might not even know they’re hiding.”

“Like being a detective?”

“Sure, that’s a polite way of putting it.”

A silence stretched between them. Ford wasn’t sure how awkward it was. Still, he felt compelled to break it. “So...What sort of DD&MD games have you played in?”

And it was like an interdimensional radio transmission coming into focus. Suddenly Mika was happily chatting about stories from her history of gaming. If Ford had had any lingering suspicions that Mika was only pretending to share his interest, the amount of detail she put into her accounts would have laid them to rest. 

After half an hour of stories, Ford noticed an odd sensation. He was surprised to realize he was happy. It was just… _nice_ to be able to have a simple conversation about something innocent. And for once Mika was speaking to him without scorn in her eyes.

“I knew I didn’t have enough hit points for another fight. My only hope was to talk my way out of it.”

Ford gave a small smile in anticipation. It was like listening to one of Stan’s stories from when they were teens again. “So what did you say?”

“I told him...that I WAS A TINY GIANT!”

Ford snorted. “I suppose an earth giant might be stupid enough to believe that. Did it work?”

Mika smiled proudly. “I rolled a seventeen! He believed me instantly. Unfortunately, that was when the rest of my party showed up to rescue me. He wound up throwing me a few miles to try and ‘save’ me from them.” 

“And _that’s_ what bards get for being big mouths.”

“Yeah, yeah. A wizard would have just gotten all three of his hit points pummeled out of him.” She paused. “Hey, how about that place?”

On the right side of the road was a run-down, obviously abandoned roller rink. It was perfect.

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 63**

EI: Hey folks! Have we got a show for you! I know a lot of you have been confused by the last few episodes. Honestly, I’ve been pretty confused too. Nick being kidnapped is one thing, but dealing with a mystical cult that’s enemies with Nick’s long-lost twin brother? Suddenly pulling con jobs on the road to get knick-knacks that people claim have magic powers? It’s all been a bit much for me.

MtV: Well, hopefully I'll be able to help you with that confusion today, Irene. Er, hello listeners. It's me, Meitner, again. I don’t think we’ve really had a chance to be properly introduced. Not that I'm likely to meet any of you. But you're likely curious about me!

EI: As I’ve mentioned before, Meitner is Nick’s fancy-voiced twin. Seriously. It’s not just some soap opera twist.

MtV: Please Irene, I’d like to be defined by more than whose brother I am.

EI: I’m sure Nick would too.

*Painfully awkward silence*

MtV: In any case, what I’m working on right now is a spell to prove to Irene that magic is real, and thus the danger to my brother’s life and the world is more serious than she currently realizes.

EI: And you all get to hear me be a sarcastic ass about it! 

MtV: Indeed. So, this isn’t ideal for the audience since we are working with an auditory medium, but I will try to explain my process as much as I feel it is responsible to do so. I’m afraid that any further details I give Irene will have to be edited from the final broadcast.

EI: Unless I think your explanations are so bad they’re funny.

MtV: My first step was to draw a large chalk outline around the room we are in, so as to confine the spell’s area of effect. It’s very important to be thorough at this stage as any break in the line could have disastrous consequences. 

EI: We’re in an old roller rink so the circle took _forever_ to draw.

MtV: Next was the actual spell. Luckily this one requires few physical components, just a specific collection of crushed herbs--

EI: Which we will _not_ be smoking.

MtV: and a special candle that I currently placing in the center of the room. Once I light the candle I must immediately begin reciting the incantation. As a precaution for inexperienced listeners, I have asked Irene to cut out the audio of the spell and replace it with some suitably imposing music. Alright, I am lighting the candle...NOW!

_Don’t start, unbelieving! Never don’t not feel your feelings!_

 

**Now**

Ford put all his energy into focusing on the spell. Magic was always draining for him. Honestly, he prefered not to work with it if he could help it. Even under the best conditions it was inconsistent and unpredictable. This time it was important though. It _had_ to work. Otherwise Mika would never understand how important their mission was. She could get hurt by a danger she didn’t even believe in. 

After a minute Ford smiled. He could feel it starting to work. It was good timing. Mika was starting to look impatient. 

“Geez, Meitner, how much longer is this going to--”

Mika stopped mid-sentence. Her hair had drifted in front of her face. She looked down and saw her feet were hovering a foot off the ground. She reached down to touch the floor and yelped as her whole body flipped when she made the effort. Ford struggled to keep from laughing as she flailed around, looking for any hidden wires that might be lifting her up. For his part, Ford was getting comfortable, sprawling back as if he were in a recliner. Mika glared at him.

“Wha...What’s happening?”

“I’d think that would perfectly obvious, but should you tell our listeners what you’re experiencing? It’s always a good idea to maintain a record of these things.”

“Right. Right, of course.” Mika swam through the air to her laptop which was tethered to the ground by its power cord. She leaned toward the microphone looking pale and breathless. Her voice squeaked when she spoke. “Well, uh, hi listeners! F--Meitner did some stuff and, um, I _seem_ to be floating through the air. I haven’t been able to find any wires yet and I don’t think I’ve been drugged. I mean, I barely ate lunch today. Not that that’s a problem! Nick, if you’re listening, I swear I’ve been eating! You don’t have to worry about me! I just…”

Ford frowned as he listened to her. Why was Mika making such a fuss over how much she ate?

_It’s all about reading between the lines and figuring out things that folks might not even know they’re hiding._

Oh.

His mind flashed back to all the meals they’d had on the road. A lot of it was fast food or gas station snacks so they could get back on the road faster. Mika had rejected a lot of it, saying fast food was disgusting. Now Ford wondered just how much Mika has been eating for the last two weeks. _Did_ she have a problem? For all his complaints about how annoying she was, Ford hadn’t considered that he might not be the only one battling personal demons. 

“Meitner? Hey! Meitner! Pay attention! Did you hypnotise me or not?”

Ford brought his focus back to the present. “Don’t be absurd! Hypnotism is a pseudo-science at best! What you’re looking at is a genuine level three spell. If we were outside, you could kick yourself up to the stratosphere!” It sounded nice, but Ford reconsidered his word choice. “Alright, maybe not quite that high. Eventually you’d reach the limits of the spells range of effect and fall down again but that--”

“BUT HOW DOES IT WORK?!” Mika kicked off the wall and propelled herself directly into Ford. She clung to his coat. Ford couldn’t decide if she looked excited or completely overwhelmed. “All you did was do some chalk drawings, crush up some leaves, say some words and light a candle! None of that has anything to do with gravity! Why in the world would that make me float around a room? And if it’s that simple, why doesn’t the whole world know about it? What makes you so special?!”

He couldn’t help it. Ford’s chest puffed up. This was the moment he’d spent years waiting for: the chance to explain (a portion) of his findings to (a small sample of) the public.

“I’m glad you asked!” he said, his voice full of pride and authority. “It just so happens that, through my work at Gravity Falls, I have been able to make great strides in understanding the nature of many forms of anomalies and weirdness, including magic. I’m happy to explain a thing or two.”

Normally he would have been a bit more hesitant to share the secrets of his work, but this was a special circumstance. Besides, it wasn’t like Mika was a scientist or anything.

“The basic theory is this: the generally understood physics of the universe are less constant than everyone believes. At any given point there is a miniscule chance that some or all of those rules will cease to apply, however briefly. 

“That means there is an opportunity for something weird to be born. It could be a magical creature. It could be an object with bizarre physical properties. It could be a hole in the fabric of space and time. From there, you basically have seeds. Weirdness creates weirdness, though it’s more common in some places than others. One unicorn becomes many. One magic crystal grows a whole cave of them. Time travelers form a labor union, etc.” 

Mika’s eyes narrowed, but not in anger, more like she was trying to keep her brain from exploding. “So then, how do spells work? You cast one to make us float, right? Does ‘weirdness’ have its own consistent laws? Were you just using a ‘weird’ candle and ‘weird’ chalk?”

“Well...sort of. I admit that I’m not using normal supplies. They’re made from anomalous ingredients I’ve found over the years and the incantation I used was based on one I found from an ancient culture.”

“Oh, really? Did this ancient culture have a name or did you just find out about them from primativemysticalshite.com?”

Ford blushed and turned away to hide the fact that he didn’t actually remember what culture he’d derived the incantation from. “I’m keeping my sources private right now, if you don’t mind. Anyway, even with all that I couldn’t guarantee that the spell would have worked just anywhere with anyone casting it. I experimented a bit with it with my former assistant. He could never get spells to work outside of weird-zones.”

Mika tilted her head and quirked an eyebrow. “And what about you?”

She’d come to a point that Ford had never talked about with anyone. Even Fiddleford had been too nervous to ask, given how nervous he was around the supernatural. It wasn’t Ford’s hands, he was sure. It wasn’t his intelligence either. Yet, even as a boy, Ford had suspected there was something different about him, something special. It was what had kept him apart from so many people in his life. It was what had guided him to Gravity Falls. Maybe it was even what had attracted Bill in the first place.

“I think…” Ford hesitated then cleared his throat. “I think that _I_ am an anomaly too.” 

The words hung in the air between them. Ford wished he something to hide behind. He felt like he’d just said something very foolish and childish, like a middle-schooler admitting they lived their life by Cosmo horoscopes. Even though they were floating in the air, even though he had shown her magic was a demonstrable truth, he was still sure she would laugh at him now. Because that was what normal people did whenever he admitted something was special to him. 

And then she smiled. She bit her cheek like she was holding in a giggle. Ford’s heart stopped. “So,” she said, “I guess you really are a wizard, aren’t you?”

Ford grinned with relief. “I suppose that’s a simplified way of putting it.”

Mika launched herself at him again and pulled him into a tight hug. Ford had no idea how to react. His eyes bulged and his arms flailed helplessly. 

“Well, Mr. Science-Wizard, thank you for making my dreams come true!” When Mika pulled back her eyes had tears in them. “I always wanted magic to be real.” She wiped her eyes. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve still got a few questions.”

“....Yes! Yes, by all means, ask away!” 

So he explained things, and answered questions, and explained, and explained some more. The spell would last as long as the candle remained lit, so they had hours available to talk while bouncing around the walls of the roller rink. Truthfully, Ford couldn’t remember the last time he’d had so much fun. 

A few hours later the candle went out and they hit the road again, filled with new vigor to gather the next magical artifact.

Ford made sure they stopped at a grocery store on the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look at that! We have some actual signs of friendship showing up! This chapter also featured the second of two promised cameos. Last time we had Angelica the escape room owner and now we have Holly as a waitress! Thank you both for being such wonderful fans!
> 
> Next time we'll get back into the meat of things as Mika and Ford go after their next magical item. Meanwhile, in the past, we'll take a look at how Stan's escape room plans worked out and we'll get to meet Stan and Ford's mysterious niece and nephew! Definitely not anyone you've heard of before. Don't even worry about it.
> 
> Please leave your thoughts for this chapter and any suggestions you have for the future of the story in your comments! The comments give me life and each one gives me the power to write the next chapter sooner! Thank you all for reading, I hope you continue to enjoy Rig Your Roll!


	15. Mush and Shush

**Chapter 15**

**Back Then**

Mabel Pines was more excited than she had ever been in her life. Granted, that was the sort of thing that happened to her easily. She was ten years old and as far as she was concerned everything in the world was a wonderful adventure waiting to happen and whatever she was doing at the moment was the greatest adventure yet! 

Today’s adventure was taking her farther from home than she’d ever been before, all the way to the east coast! In an airplane! To meet a mysterious uncle she’d never seen before! It felt like something out of a Boxcar Children novel. Mabel couldn’t decide if she wanted her Uncle Stan to be kind and fun or wicked and mean so she had an excuse to sneak around and pick locks and stuff to escape him!

Next to her sat Mabel’s twin brother, Dipper. Dipper had spent the entire plane ride having very different feelings from Mabel, feelings that he was still being vocal about. Loudly.   
“Can you believe Dad just sent us across the country like this? We’ve never even been on a plane before! And we’re supposed to stay with some uncle we don’t even for _two whole weeks_? What if he’s secretly evil? We could be dead before nightfall!”

Mabel gave his arm a light punch. “C’mon, Bro-Bro. It won’t be that bad. Even if Uncle Stan is a total jerk-wad we’ll just run away and have…” her eyes widened and she spread her hands to suggest something great and majestic, “a Journey of Self-Discovery! Well, you’ll have one anyway. I’m already awesome the way I am. It’ll be like in Over the Garden Wall. You can be Wirt and I’ll be Greg.”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “I don’t think it’d be that simple, Mabel.”

“You’re right.” Mabel considered carefully. “We’re going to need a frog first.”

Just then the captain announced their final descent and Mabel squealed. This was going to be the best trip ever! 

 

**Now**

“So I guess it’s all true then. Stan’s really being held captive by a demon. And I’m an idiot.”

Ford did a double-take. They were eating breakfast at their hotel and Mika’s head was hanging low over her plate. It was disconcerting. He’d never seen her look so worried before. He also hadn’t been with someone who was willing to call themselves an idiot for a long time. Ford timidly pat her on the wrist.

“Um, there, there? I’m sure we’ll be able to stop Bill and save Stan somehow. Right now I think we should focus on the task in front of us though.”

Mika nodded. Now that she had reason to believe in magic her moods had begun to vary regularly between ecstatic curiosity and despair over the realization that she had literally made a deal with a demon. Ford could relate to the feeling. He’d told her a bit about Bill at this point, enough to recognize him and his tricks, but he still didn’t have the courage to talk about how Bill had tricked him personally. The pain was still too fresh and far too humiliating. 

“So, what is it that we’re after this time?” Mika asked. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. Whatever was ahead of them, she looked ready for it now.

“The Lunar Fang,” Ford replied. He pushed his new journal over to her. In it he’d drawn a rough sketch of a long, pointed tooth hanging from a leather cord. “It’s talisman of transformation. Anyone who wears it will turn into a monstrous, wolf-like creature. It’s said that it was created long ago by a woman who yearned to be a werewolf but was rejected from the local pack because she wasn’t cool enough. Werewolves can be prissy like that.” 

Mika snorted and Ford smiled. “Anyway, I’m hoping this one will be easier to collect. The Lunar Fang doesn’t make its owner a true werewolf, so they won’t be vulnerable to silver. If we get into an altercation like last time we could be in trouble.”

“So you want us to try and talk them into giving to us?” Mika asked. “Okay. I guess Bruce Banner is always easier to deal with than the Hulk.” 

Ford blinked. “You know, my old assistant used to compare me to Bruce Banner. It only just occurred to me that it probably wasn’t a compliment.” He heard Mika start to chuckle and he glared at her until she looked away innocently. “In any case, we’re still going to have to hunt around a bit. I know the Fang will be in a nearby convention hall this weekend, but I don’t know who will have it.”

“How do you even know that much?” Mika asked, curiously. “I read through our info packets. All they say about the Lunar Fang is that it moves a lot.”

“Um, well...That doesn’t matter! Just let me--AAAAH!”

In a split-second Mika had twirled her fork and stabbed it hard through one of Ford’s tater tots. The look in her eyes was as dangerous as a basilisk's stare. “I don’t think so, Stanford.”

“You...want some of my breakfast?” Honestly, if that was it he’d give her his plate with no questions asked.

“No. Potatoes are gross. What I’m talking about your stupid hero complex rearing its ugly head again.” She carefully scraped the tater tot off her fork and looked him in the eye. “Ford, we’re on a really dangerous mission. Lives hang in the balance if what you’ve been tell me is true. Does this really seem like the time to be keeping secrets from me?”

In a way, Ford hated that she said it all so calmly, so rationally. He was used to having loud, passionate arguments with his parents, his brothers, even his best friend. It was easier to disagree with someone who was so emotional they had to be irrational. Mika wasn’t giving him that opportunity. It made him feel small and cornered, all the more so because he had the feeling she was right.

“It...It’s Bill. He told me. He’s been coming into my dreams at night. Mostly to taunt me and give me...unpleasant images of what might be happening to Stanley.”  
Mika’s face went pale. She reached out, took Ford’s hand, and held it firmly. “Do you think any of it’s true? Is Bill hurting Stan?”

Ford shook his head. “I don’t know. Stan looked fine when we saw him online.”

“And he _did_ say the double-secret password.”

“...Right. But I can’t guarantee that what we saw was the truth or that he hasn’t been injured since then.”

Mika nodded slowly. “I’ve been having nightmares. Normal ones, I think. They break his bones. Cut him. Electrocute him. All sorts of horrible things. It’s been hard to get through the nights.”

“It’s...been a bit different for me,” Ford admitted reluctantly. “Lately Bill’s been filling my dreams with images of Stan except...It’s strange. Bill makes it like I’m the one hurting him. I have a bat and I swing it at Stanley and he...he just cracks. He breaks open like an egg and blood comes out like yolk and it won’t stop pouring out and…!”

All of a sudden Ford realized he was shaking. Mika was holding both his hands and looking at him with worry. Worry and surprise. 

Damn it all. Damn Bill. Damn Stanley. More than anything, damn Stanford Pines, the man who no one expected to care about his own twin brother.

It reminded him of the frightened looks Fiddleford used to give him. Did the world really think he was that monstrous? After everything he had done, maybe they were right. 

Maybe be he had more of a Hulk in him than he’d ever realized. 

 

**Then**

Dipper sat next to his sister and watched the strangers across the table carefully. Uncle Stan was nervous, fidgety, failing to make small talk, refusing to make eye contact. Dipper didn’t trust him. 

Next to Uncle Stan was his friend and roommate Mika. She had dull brown hair in a dull ponytail that disappeared into a dull, oversized sweatshirt. Apparently she was the one who owned all the books in the place, so that was neat, but mostly he wasn’t expecting much from her. She was probably just quiet and boring.

“So, ah, are you kids hungry or something?” Uncle Stan asked, clearly desperate for something easy to talk about. “I could order a pizza or something.”

“Yeah! Pizza!” Mabel cried. “And then we should play a game!”

Mika steepled her fingers and narrowed her eyes. “Yes. A game. Do you like board games?”

“I love board games!”

“Excellent….”

There was something sinister in the way Mika said it. Dipper instinctively glanced in Uncle Stan’s direction. He looked a little nervous too.

“Mika, they just got here. Maybe you should wait a bit before you--”

“Too late! They want a _game_ , Stanley!” Suddenly the quiet, mousey Mika was full of energy. She took Mabel’s hand and they ran together to Mika’s room.   
Dipper followed and saw Mika fling open her closet door to reveal...the tallest, most precarious pile of board games Dipper had ever seen in his life. There were normal games there like Clue, Battleship, and Don’t Wake Stalin, but there were also a ton he’d never even heard of; games with intriguing titles like Mysterium, Betrayal at House on the Hill, Call of Cthulhu, and Necromancy Resource Management. 

Dipper wanted to stay guarded. He wasn’t happy about anything about this trip and he wanted to give his parents a very angry report when he got home. But still, he was a kid, a kid with a definite interest in creepy stories and settings. There was only so much he could resist.

“Alright,” he said, “I guess we can play one game.”

 

**Now**

“So, do you know what sort of convention we’re going to?” Mika asked as she drove them over to the center.

“No, but I doubt it will make much difference. I’ve been to plenty of conferences in my time. They’re all essentially the same.”

“Annnnnd are you sure this is an academic-type con we’re heading to? Because _fan_ conventions are pretty different. And weird.”

Stanford laughed. “I’m not _that_ much of a shut-in. I’ve been to a few gaming and comic book conventions. I know how wild they can get!”

Mika looked at him with wide eyes. “Seriously? _You_ have wild con stories? Like what?”

“Let’s just say there are some Sorcery: the Meetening players who will never look at Necronomica the Enchantress the same way again!” 

The convention they were headed to was called MushCon. In truth, Stanford had no idea what that referred to. Mushy food? Romantic stories? Squishing things? In any case, it seemed tame compared to the frustrations of Martymart. That is, it did until the convention hall came into view. 

It seemed that Mush was being used as a verb. As in to urge on a team of dogs pulling a sled. Or, in this case, to urge on a team of people _dressed_ as dogs.

Everywhere Ford looked there were people dressed in dog ears, tails, and full-body fur suits. Even worse, a number of those in canine costumes were being led on leashes by women and men in revealing tight leather outfits. There were whips. There were corsets. There were many _very_ suggestive chew toys. 

Ford felt his face grow red-hot with one of the brightest blushes he’d ever known. He groaned and hung in his hands. “This is a sex thing, isn’t it?”

Next to him Mika was leaning over, clutching the steering wheel for support, and wheezing with laughter. Her voice squeaked as she spoke. “Yes. Yes it is. And, unexpectedly, this is now the greatest day of my life!”

He glared at her. “I...I don’t know what you think is so funny. I can handle this, you know! I’ve chased down eye-bats, downed helicopters, and spent a weekend in a _very_ haunted cabin! A few...unusual carnal proclivities won’t be enough to scare me away.”

Annoyingly, Mika didn’t stop grinning one bit. Her voice was still high-pitched with barely suppressed laughter. “Oh, I have _no_ doubt _whatsoever_. Please, by all means, lead the way.”

Well, he had little choice now. Ford reluctantly climbed out of the car and started toward the convention hall. As he walked, he wondered if it wasn’t Bill’s plan to simply humiliate him to death. 

 

**Back Then**

At first Stan was grateful when Mika took out her intimidating collection of board games. They weren’t really his thing, but he’d been desperate for anything to make the kids stop staring at him with their tiny, judging eyes.

What had he been thinking, inviting and niece and nephew he hadn’t seen in a decade to spend two weeks with him? He didn’t know anything about how to treat kids! He could barely take care of himself! It wasn’t like he could take them down to a bar or tell them all his favorite crude jokes. Now he had to come up with a way to entertain two kids who barely knew who he was for _fourteen_ whole days! 

So, yeah, the board games had been a welcome break.

For the first eight hours. 

It turned out that Mika, damn her, had a knack with for hanging out with children. Soon she was jabbering with Mabel about the plot details of My Petite Horsey and Dipper was eating out of her hand to learn about stories by some guy named Lovecraft, whose junk was in basically every game they played. The kids were laughing at her stories and basically acting like she hung the stars in the sky. Meanwhile, no one had laughed at even _one_ of Stan’s brilliant ex-wife jokes.

Typical. After all, why would anyone in his _own family_ like him? He pouted his way through the last three hours of Call of Cthulhu (what the hell kind of game lasted _five hours_?) and let out a mighty groan of relief when the kids _finally_ got tired enough to sleep. He was looking forward to resentfully brushing his teeth and grumbling into his pillow for a while.

Before he could do that though, Mika pulled at his arm. “Can we talk?”

Crud. She was doing that wide-eyed concerned look. Stan hated seeing it because he could never say no to it. “Yeah, sure, c’mon.”

The kids were asleep on the pullout couch in the living room so Stan and Mika went into Stan’s room for a bit of privacy. For the first time in a while, Stan looked at the room with fresh eyes. It was covered in crap, with a few posters on the walls and his clothes all over the floor. It looked like the room of some idiot who was barely civilized. Stan grunted in frustration and started angrily stuffing clothes into the hamper Mika had oh-so-subtly gotten him a few months back.

Mika got right to the point. “Why are you being such a grump? I thought you’d be happy to have your niblings here.”

“Would you shut up with the whole ‘niblings’ thing? It ain’t a real word.”

But she wouldn’t be discouraged. “Language evolves. Deal with it. Anyway, you’re dodging my question. What’s wrong?”

Great. A talk about his feelings. His favorite subject. “Look, it’s nothing, alright? I just...I thought this would be going a little smoother than it is, that’s all. I thought I could be a cool uncle and they’d take right to me and I wouldn’t feel like such a bum with my family.” He punched a pair of jeans into the hamper. “But it looks like they like you better, so I guess you’re gonna have to be the one to keep ‘em from breaking the apartment while they’re here.”

Mika hugged him, which was stupid and sappy and just what he needed. He sighed and hugged back. 

“You don’t have to be jealous of me, Stan. I grew up with my little brothers, remember? I just have more experience with kids.” She pulled back and smiled at him. “Besides, we’re a team. I’m not gonna just leave you hanging while I do all the babysitting.”

“So what do you want to do? Board games ain’t gonna keep the squirts busy forever.”

Mika crossed her arms and grinned wickedly. “Why don’t you tell me? It seems to me that you’ve got a goal, and where there’s a goal there’s a con waiting to happen.”

Stan raised an eyebrow. “Are you saying you want me to _con_ the kids into liking me?”

“Eh, sort of. What I’m really saying is,” she leaned in close, “we need a _plan_. And plans are what you’re best at.”

“If you say so…” Still, Stan couldn’t help but suddenly feel much more optimistic.

 

**Now**

It was just like exploring the mysteries of Gravity Falls, Ford told himself. There were strange things, dangerous things, and things he would never fully comprehend. That was all fine, educational even!

Even if said education was about the shockingly wide variety of things people liked to put up their butts. 

He and Mika had split up at Ford’s insistence. Nominally it was to cover more ground, but it was also to preserve some sense of his dignity. Mika hadn’t started teasing him much yet. That didn’t mean he couldn’t feel it on the horizon. She had too much in common with Stan and if Stan were here the ribbing would be non-stop.

_“Hey, Sixer! Doesn’t that thing look like a real pain in the ass?”_

_“I’m coming! Quit_ hounding _me!”_

_“Wow, that lady is a real bitch! No wonder her girlfriend keeps her on a short leash!”_

_“Are you getting hungry, Ford? I’m sure there’s plenty here for you to chew on!”_

Ford rolled his eyes. Suddenly he wasn’t sure if he wished Stanley were there or not. At least Stan would have enjoyed the experience. For now, Ford just knew he was ready to leave the panel he was listening to on “The Booty-ful Expanse”.

He left the room as carefully as he could, certainly not eager to attract any attention. Unfortunately, he opened the door just as a screaming mob was running down the hallway. Ford’s instincts kicked in immediately and he rushed to see what was causing the commotion. 

What he saw made his jaw drop in horror and wonder. There could be no doubt. He had found it.

The Lone-ish Wolf-like Creature.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started this story there were a lot of things I wanted to accomplish: giving Ford and Stan a different emotional journey, creating an OC that people could like, rooting the cartoon "science" in a slightly more realistic setting, etc. I also spent a lot of time cackling at the idea of make Ford DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE at a kink con. Today, readers, you've seen a dream come true. I will continue to revel in it for at least one more chapter, so if there are any sex-related things you want Ford's reaction to tell me as soon as possible! I'll put as many of them as I can in the story itself and any others will get an in-character response to your review!
> 
> Come to think of it, you're welcome to do that with any amusing customer service stories you've got too. That was half the point of Marty-Mart after all!
> 
> (Why yes, this is secretly a crack!fic. How could you tell?)


	16. Making a Monster

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Now**

The creature was signing autographs. It was a monstrous biped, covered in grey fur, standing seven feet high, with a enormous wolf-like head with glowing eyes and a jaw big enough to break a human skull. And it was signing autographs. Stanford….did not understand the world.

It also wasn’t clear how he should proceed. Ford had been expecting to quietly speak to or rob a lone figure with a necklace they probably didn’t even understand, not a quasi-werewolf walking around in public with an entourage of adoring fans. As much as he hated to admit it, this was going to take more social skill than he had. He texted Mika to come quickly and followed the anomaly down the hall.

It wasn’t long before the creature noticed him. Suddenly glowing red eyes were staring into Ford’s. It grinned wolfishly and smacked its jaws. Ford’s heart started to beat frantically. If only he had a weapon of some kind, _anything_ to defend himself!

The nightmare monster strode toward him and hunched over so they were eye to eye. It was like locking gazes with death itself. 

And then it spoke. “You don’t have to be shy! Would you like a hug, dear?”

Ford had expected many things from the wolf. They had not included the voice of a middle-aged suburban soccer mom offer him a hug. He was so flabbergasted that all he could do was raise his eyebrows as high as they could go and mutter, “....Sure.”

The wolf picked him up with ease and gave him what was, admittedly, a very warm and fuzzy hug. Somewhere behind him Ford heard laughter. He managed to turn his head just enough to see Mika, now sporting fake dog ears and a tail, holding up her phone and gleefully taking a picture of him.

“Hold that pose! This is _amazing_!”

Ford immediately tried to wriggle out of the wolf-woman’s grasp. It didn’t make the slightest difference. She was much too strong. Instead he had to wait until she had decided the hug had gone on long enough and gently put him down. 

“Wow Ford,” Mika said, still laughing, “I knew you loved anomalies. I never guessed how much!”

He blushed. “Shut up. Anyway, what about you? Why are you wearing those ridiculous ears?”

She pat the headband fondly. “They’re husky ears! I thought they might help me blend in. Besides, dressing up is fun.” She held up a bag and swayed it in a tantalizing fashion. “I got you a dalmation set…”

“NO,” Ford said flatly. He gestured back to the giant wolf-creature beside them. “Listen, could you just talk to her? This is clearly more your area than mine.”

Mika smiled proudly, handed him her bag, and turned to face the wolf. “Hello there, ma’am! That sure is a wonderful _costume_ you’ve got there.”

The wolf looked proud. “Why thank you, dear! I made it myself! A bunch of time with crafts and animatronics, y’know.”

Her wolf-lips were moving with all the nuance of a human mouth. If they were truly looking at robotics in action, it was some of the finest work the field had ever known. Still, Ford knew that reasoning would be easier for many to accept than magic being at play.

Mika casually slid a bit closer. “I happen to know a bit more than you’d expect about your get-up, ma’am.”

“Oh, please call me Sharon.”

“Right. Sharon. Anyway, I’d be… _fangful_ if we could drop the pretense about your ‘outfit’. You’re using magic to be the world’s greatest furry, aren’t you?”  
Suddenly the creature, or rather, Sharon’s nostrils flared and she let out a small growl. She looked at the con-goers around them, many still staring at her. “Maybe we should talk about this somewhere a bit more private.” 

They followed her into a side room that was alarming full of dog sleds but was otherwise empty.

“Alright,” Sharon said, “I don’t know how you found out about the fang, but you’re far from the first to try and acquire the secrets of my dark magic and adorable pet-ableness. So what are you going to do? Threaten to expose me? Offer for me to join in an evil midnight ritual? Ask me to represent a brand of dog food?”

“No, no!” Ford quickly assured her. “We simply wish to...That is, all we want is…”

“We’re prepared to give you $100,000 for the fang. In cash. No questions asked.” Mila spoke bluntly and with a lot more professionalism than Ford would have expected from her.

Sharon was visibly startled and pressed a paw-like hand to her chest. It was a very alarming sight. “That...is a lot of money.”

“It is,” Ford agreed. He leaned closer to Mika and whispered. “Do you even have that kind of money?”

Mika shrugged. “No. But the Wheelies do. They're sponsoring us, remember? Or were you really just letting me pick up the tab in every gas station, restaurant, and hotel we’ve been to?”

Ford blushed. With everything else that had been going on finances was one subject he hadn’t stopped to consider. Once upon a time it was the sort of mistake his father would have yanked him around by the ear for.

“So, what do you say, Sharon?” Mika asked tantalizingly. “100k could cover a college tuition or two. Maybe buy you a new minivan for the family.”

“I could enroll Julian back in ballet classes…” Sharon murmured breathlessly. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “No. You don’t understand. I _am_ a wolf inside.The fang lets me show that side of myself. I don’t have to be a mom or a wife or an award-winning set-design carpenter. I can be what I really am!” She drew herself up to her full, imposing height. “A deadly predator.”

Sharon’s voice suddenly had a dangerous edge to it. Mika and Ford both drew back nervously. Mika held up her hands placatingly. “Now, now. It’s okay! I’m sure we can work something out. You don’t have to do anything drastic!”

Ford did his best to help. “Right! I mean, it’s not like you really look like a wolf anyway. The number of anatomical differences alone is staggering. You’re more like someone’s nightmarish _idea_ of what a wolf might look like. It’s not very--”

“HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY FURSONA!” Sharon roared. She leapt at Ford, who just barely managed to dodge out of the way. Several dog sleds were destroyed when she landed on them.

“Don’t you dare hurt my friend!” Mika yelled. She jumped onto Sharon’s back, locked her legs, and started choking the pseudo-wolf from behind. Ford watched them struggle back and forth for a few seconds, but the fight was obviously pointless. In moments, Sharon was able to pick Mika up off her back and toss her to the other side of the room. 

Mika landed with a crash, breaking one more dog sled. Ford ran to the nearest pile of debris and picked up a jagged piece of wood to hold up between him and the beast. Maybe it was a foolish effort, but Ford wasn’t going to let her hurt Mika again without a fight.

Luckily, Sharon didn’t seem interested in continuing the battle. Instead she growled at Ford one last time, then civilly opened the door and left. Just before she disappeared from view she stuck her head back in for a moment. 

“Sorry things got a little out of hand there, dear. I hope you two enjoy the rest of the con!” And then she was gone.

Immediately Ford rushed to Mika’s side. “Are you alright? Is anything broken?”

“Uuuuugh!” Mika groaned. “Try not to antagonize any more rage beasts, Ford. I’m not as tough as Stanley is.” She stretched and tested out a few joints. “I think I’m okay though. Just a little battered is all.”

“I’m glad to hear it. In hindsight, it does seem to have been a poor decision to insult her lupine accuracy.”

“Is that….Is that supposed to be an apology?”

Ford blushed. “I, uh, I suppose. If you need it to be.”

Mika shrugged. “Eh, I’ll take it. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

That was it? She wasn’t going to rub his mistake in his face? He knew he should just accept the windfall, but somehow it didn’t feel right. “Mika, I’m more than okay. You may have just saved my life! I...I feel like I owe you _something_ at least.”

She raised an eyebrow and smiled at him. “Well, if you _insist_...”

And that was how Ford wound up wearing dalmatian ears and a tail for the rest of the day. 

 

**Back Then**

No one was especially surprised when Stan came to work with two little kids in tow. He’d been bragging about his niblings for days now with everything Shermie had told them. Dipper could play the tuba! Mabel could knit like a pro! Dipper could beat his dad at chess (the nerd)! Mabel had choreographed a full dance number for her school’s talent show!

“Welcome kids, to Nefarious Escapes!” Stan boomed proudly. “My buddies a I have been working here for weeks to fix things up in the old rooms and build up a brand new batch of tricky puzzles for tourists to blow their bucks on. What do ya think?”

The two doorways they could see were very distinctive. One was surrounded with fake stone and was made of wood. The other had a border of blinking lights and was made of shiny metal. It looked like it would slide open if you pressed a hand to the panel on the side. 

Basically they were the doors to a castle and a spaceship. Dipper exchanged a look with Mabel. They both had stars in their eyes.

“These look awesome!”

“Can we go in, Uncle Stan? Can we?”

Stan grinned. “Of course you can go in. The tricky part is getting back out again!”

They spent the next two hours playing through the escape room adventures. Technically Nefarious Escapes was closed that day so they had the whole place to themselves.  
First they went into the space themed room, which was done up like the bridge of a starship. Their mission was to find the lost hyperdrive and use it to warp home before they were lost in space forever.

Next came a magical adventure set in a fantasy castle where the twins had to gather all the ingredients for a magic potion to appease an angry dragon before she would let them out without eating them.

Stan didn't do much during the games. He already knew the solutions to the puzzles, after all. The most he did was help the kids out a bit whenever they got stuck. For their part, Mabel and Dipper had a blast in an afternoon that involved remotely guiding puzzle pieces out of vents, guiding lights through a series of mirrors, finding hidden compartments, and even doing a special jig on a certain section of the floor.

Mabel loved exploring the sets and coming up with stories about what must have happened to get them in this trouble to begin with. But Stan was especially surprised at how enthusiastically Dipper took to the scenarios. There were a ton of logic puzzles and cryptograms in the rooms, ones even adults had trouble with. Dipper was able to solve most of them with barely any hints.

“I practice a lot with this sort of thing at home,” he admitted sheepishly. “I have a lot of puzzle books and stuff.”

“Plus he's always making his own codes,” Mabel added. “I'm the one who gets to test them all.” She stuck out her tongue.

Stan laughed. “You two remind me of me and…” He stopped himself just in time. Or so he thought.

Mabel was on him in an instant. “Who do we remind you of? Huh? Huh? Maybe...your long-lost secret twin brother Stanford?!”

“Mabel!” Dipper yelled.

“I mean...just as an example…” Mabel finished sheepishly.

Neither of the kids would look him in the eye, but it wasn't hard for Stan to figure out what was going on. He let out a long sigh. “So Shermy told you about Ford, huh?”

The twins nodded. “We hadn't really heard much about you before,” Mabel said. “So we asked a bunch of questions about why you hadn't been around and stuff.”

“Yeah, but Dad made us promise not to say anything about Uncle Ford,” Dipper added, “because you were still sad about a big fight you had a long time ago.”

“I can't think of _anything_ Dipper could do to make me not talk to him for ten whole years!” Mabel said. “That's, like, my whole life! But even if you and Uncle Ford are that mad at each other still, why don't either of you ever come to visit?”

Ouch. The kid might be ten, but she already had a good sucker punch.

“Well...you see…” Stan blinked. “Wait, you’re saying that Ford doesn’t visit you guys either?”

The kids shook their heads. “Dad says Uncle Ford’s always too busy with his work to go anywhere,” Dipper explained. “Is that true? Or do you guys just not like the family? Grandma and Grandpa don’t talk much about you two either.”

“Yeah, it’s really weird,” Mabel said. “Like, Dipper and I are twins, which is really cool. But you and Uncle Ford are the _secret forbidden twins_ that no one’s allowed to talk to. It doesn’t make any sense!”

Stan didn’t know what to say. These kids were really something. They were only ten and they were already so smart. He realized he felt so proud to be their uncle and so ashamed that he hadn’t been a part of their lives so far. On one level he’d been staying away because he didn’t think any part of his family would want anything to do with him. But on the other hand, he knew it was because he couldn’t stop seeing himself as a screw-up. Why should he be a burden on his brother’s family when they already had Ford to be the perfect uncle?

But now he knew that Ford hadn’t been there either. Neither of them had taken the time to get to know their amazing niece and nephew. Well, that was sure as hell not gonna happen anymore!

He ruffled Mabel’s hair and the top of Dipper’s hat. “You’re right! It is weird! I don’t know why Ford hasn’t come around. All I know is _I’ve_ been missing out! Tell you what, how about I come and visit you kids out in Piedmont for your birthday? That’s at the end of the summer, right? I’m sure Mika will cover my shifts if I say it’s a for a family thing. She’s a sap like that.”

Mabel smiled. “Do you really mean it? Oh, man! I’m going to have to make you an extra special sweater for when you get there! No, wait. Hats! Matching hats for the big Pines family reunion!”

“Yeah, yeah. It’ll be magical.” Stan began to push them along before they could start asking questions about Ford again. “Anyway, don’t you guys want to try out Nefarious Escapes’ _new_ room?”

“I don’t know,” Dipper said. “I’m starting to get hungry. Maybe we should take a break for…”

His sentence trailed off as he saw the last door, hidden around the corner from the others. He froze in place and just stared in complete awe.

The door looked like something from the gates of hell. It had a round stone archway, covered in all kind of alarming sigils and runes. The stone door was scratched and gouged, like it had been attacked by some sort of horrible monster. Finally, above the doorway was a small statue of a demonic creature with bat-like wings and a horrible, tentacle-covered face.

The kids looked both wonderstruck and a bit frightened. Stan chuckled. Is was exactly the reaction he was hoping for. 

“So, what do you say kids? Do you think you can escape…. _The Curse of Cthulhu_?”

 

**Now**

An hour later Stanford noticed that something was wrong. He and Mika had agreed they needed to come at their problem from another angle. As a result Ford was going through pdfs of various forbidden and ancient tomes and Mika went off to get them lunch. When she got back her hair was in a disarray and Ford saw her stomping and snarling her way up the artists’ alley before she got to the table they’d appropriated. 

“Is...something wrong?” Ford asked cautiously. He’d never seen Mika so cranky. She usually prefered a cold anger when she was upset. 

“The lines were too long!” she snapped. “It was like EVERYONE wanted to get in my way! I can’t stand being surrounded by all these idiots!”

She slammed a surprisingly large bag of food onto the table and practically threw Ford’s lo mein at him. Then she pulled out three more large boxes that she opened to reveal large portions of what had to be every kind of meat the Chinese restaurant had to offer.

All that was strange by itself. Ford really started to have questions when Mika picked up the nearest box and started to eat a pile of chicken face first. 

“I, uh, see you’ve got quite an appetite today,” Ford said slowly. “That’s...That’s good, I suppose. And you’re getting lots of protein--”

“SHUT UP!” Mika yelled, then growled at him for good measure.

Ford scooched his chair away. “Mika, that wolf thing, er, Sharon, didn’t happen to _bite_ you, did she?”

Mika finished her first box of food and tossed it over her shoulder where it hit a con-goer on the head. The con-goer looked like she was going to protest until she looked Mika in the eyes. Then she quite literally tucked her tail between her legs and ran away yiping. Mika laughed and turned back to Ford. She rolled back her sleeve and showed him a small puncture wound on her lower arm. 

“Yeah, she nipped me a bit. It’s no big deal. I bet I could take her if we fought again.” She went back to guzzling down meat.

“Oh, dear,” Ford muttered. “Mika! This is serious! You’ve been semi-bitten by the Lone-ish Wolf-Like Creature!”

“....Okay? What’s that mean? It’s not like I’m going to turn into a werewolf, right?”

“Well, no. The symptoms include an increased carnivorous appetite, increased aggression, and a tendency toward extreme competitive urges. It lasts…” Ford quickly flipped to the relevant pdf page, “until you’ve had a long nap. Huh. I guess that’s not so bad after all.” 

“You’re damn right it’s not bad!” Mika slammed her hand on the table, making it shake. “What you’re saying is I’ve got an edge right now! Well, I’m going to use it! I’m going to challenge that beast to her own game!”

“What? No! She’ll kill you!” He reached out for Mika but she glared at him and he flinched back. 

“Why,” Mika said through gritted teeth, “do you always assume I’m so _stupid_? I’m not an idiot, Ford. I know what I’m doing! I’ve survived more than you’ve ever imagined and I’ve done it all by my own damn self. And that’s how I’m going to get the Lunar Fang and save Stan’s life: by myself. Because all you ever do is hold me back!”

She stomped away, leaving Ford speechless in her wake. Yes, it was alarming to see Mika so angry, but that wasn’t what really bothered him. He could understand her anger. It was the bite talking. Probably. There was another thought that suddenly weighed on him.

_Did I really use to sound like that?_

So arrogant. So aggressively independant. He’d shouted that same way at Fiddleford. And Stanley. After all, how different was ‘All you ever do is hold me back’ from ‘Trust no one’? What hurt had he left behind him because he refused to see when people were trying to help him?

Well, not today. He knew what Fiddleford would do in this situation and it wasn’t staying behind to let his friend walk into danger. Ford stood and ran off in the direction Mika had disappeared. He was going to help her whether she liked it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of fun and games in this chapter! And also some violence! I hope you enjoy Sharon the Lone-ish Wolf-Like Creature, because I adore her! Will Mika face off with Sharon again? Will Stanford come to the rescue? Will Stanley be able to continue deflecting uncomfortable questions with escape room novelties? Find out next time!
> 
> Remember, comments, questions, and critiques are encouraged and EXTREMELY appreciated! Thank you for continuing to be amazing readers!


	17. Mushy Stuff

**Chapter Seventeen**

**Now**

Wandering around MushCon was...an experience. It was difficult to look for someone when there were so many things Ford was trying not to stare at. It was bizarre to see so many people dressed in fur suits and accessories. He had always been so self-conscious of his unusual hands. He didn’t understand why normal-looking people would be so eager to look strange and outlandish.

He poked his head into a few panels, such as Proper Pet Play and Extreme Knots for Beginners. The first one was surprisingly wholesome if he ignored the skinny man sitting on the stage who was decidedly _not_ a puppy. The second included rope that was so elaborately woven around a model that it took Ford a minute to realize that the woman was completely naked. He left _very_ quickly after that.

Once in the hall Ford took a moment to collect himself. He wasn’t going to get very far if he kept blushing like a moron every time he encountered something suggestive or overtly sexual. It was just...This wasn’t someplace he belonged. 

It was one of his most closely guarded secrets, but Ford hadn’t...That is, he wasn’t very experienced with…

Alright. He hadn’t had sex. It had just never worked out for him. In college there had been a few girls he’d gone on dates with, but things had never gone beyond a few kisses with any of them. Somehow he just never seemed to entice women to stick around long enough to form a more intimate relationship. By the time he had graduated Ford had basically decided to give up on romance in favor of focusing on his work.

After all, it was humiliating to be rejected time and time again, to know that he was a failure in an area of life most people took for granted. He was a genius. He could build things most people could barely conceive of, yet he could barely even make friends. It made feel pitiful and insecure, so he did his best not to think of social relationships at all, but particularly sexual ones.

And yet, there were still thoughts, fantasies, urges. He dreamed of finding a woman who could appreciate all his quirks and adore his passionate interests. He imagined holding her close, smelling her hair….holding her hands. 

Then of course there was the other half. The carnal half. There were a lot of things he was reasonably sure he would enjoy doing with the right partner. Or just about any partner. But as the years passed he was growing increasingly certain that such things would never happen in reality. It was a secret shame that was a frequent thorn in his heart.   
Being in a place like this, surrounded by such frank displays and discussions of sexuality, he felt like that shame was suddenly under a spotlight, that everyone could see his naive virginity plainly and that the whole world was laughing at him for it. He barely knew what it was like to get a romantic hug, let alone if he’d ever want anal beads or a fleshlight shaped like a tiger or (he did a double-take) a pangolin that administered erotic(???) shocks of electricity. 

Still, Ford reminded himself, this wasn’t about him. He was here with a purpose. He needed to get the Lunar Fang to save his brother. More immediately, he needed to protect Mika from getting herself killed fighting a pseudo-werewolf. He might not have been confident of himself as a lover, a friend, or even a hero but, well, sometimes you had to strive to be more than your gut said you were. 

Stanford started making his way through the con with more forceful strides. Luckily it wasn’t nearly as big as The International Sorcery: the Meetening Con and Roller Derby Tournament. Neither Mika nor Sharon were at any of the panels. They weren’t in the artists’ alley and, after battling his way through a small army of inflatable phalluses, he was able to determine they weren’t in the dealers’ room either. That left one place: the main event hall. 

Quickly, he took out his schedule. In five minutes the annual MushCon Leader of the Pack Dance-A-Thon would start….and was being led by the returning dance champion, Sharon Wolfnose. 

He took off at a run, hoping a fight hadn’t already broken out. 

He burst through the doors of the main event hall. Inside there was a crowd of con-goers dancing innocently, but most of them were were focused on the stage. There, a giant wolf creature and a woman in cute doggie ears circled around each other. They were moving slowly, watching each other carefully, and growling. The tension in the air was overwhelming. Sharon’s eyes were glowing and she looked ready for blood. Across from her, Mika’s kept curling into fists. She didn’t look remotely afraid.

Then the music started. 

And they both started dancing with remarkable intensity to “Hound Dog”.

Ford pushed his way through the crowd up to the stage. “Mika! What are you doing?”

“The only thing this lady understands!” Mika snarled as she danced. “I’ve challenged her to a battle for dominance! The last one to stop dancing will prove herself to be the true alpha of the pack!”

Ford pulled at his hair in frustration. “That’s not even a thing wolves really do!”

Mika looked him in the eyes intensely. “I can handle this, Ford. Just believe in me for once, will you?”

It was no use, Ford realized. He wasn’t going to be able to change her mind. The best thing he could do was stay close at hand to help her if she needed it. He settled into a seat to the side and prepared for one of the strangest stake-outs of his life. 

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 63**

MtV: Hello, listeners. Sorry, it’s only me today. Irene is currently being even more stubborn than I’ve ever seen her before and she’s trying to out-dance a deadly wolf-creature. Don’t ask. If you listen closely you may even be able to hear the ‘tune’ (if you can call it that) to “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Every song has been dog-themed. Every. Single. One. For the last three hours. It’s been a living nightmare. 

MtV: At first I was a bit more worried about Irene’s well-being. Her opponent has shown herself to be dangerous before. I think that an outright attack is unlikely at this stage though. To my surprise, despite the animosity between Irene and the wolf-beast, both ladies seem to be having, well, _fun_. 

MtV: Honestly, I’ve never seen Irene like this. She’s had some laughs over the last few weeks, but overall our journey has been tense and full of foreboding. Now she’s showing what looks like genuine glee over every upbeat canine number that plays. Her dancing is loose, freeform. It’s like she isn’t even aware she’s being watch. I wonder if that’s how she always is with music or if this is some manifestation of the competitive effects of the semi-bite. It’s hard to say. I hope the dancing is natural. It’s...surprisingly nice to see her look so carefree for once.

MtV: Wait. What’s going on? Oh, no! I have to do something!

*silence*

**Back Then: Dipper and Mabel Pines Star in The Mystery of the Haunted Escape Room!**

_The Curse of Cthulhu_? It was perfect! Dipper and his sister were practically bouncing up and down with delight. They barely heard Uncle Stan’s warning as they went into the room.

“Now, I know you kids are excited, but remember, this room isn’t open to the public yet. We haven’t had a chance to test that everything works right and that the puzzles aren’t too easy or too hard. You’re kind of guinea pigs right now. It’s possible this room will just be too hard for you ‘cause we didn’t make it right yet.”

“Pfft!” Mabel waved her hand dismissively. “You saw how awesome Dipper and I were in the other two rooms. We’re a regular pair of Mystery Twins, right here! Even if it’s a little harder, this room doesn’t stand a chance against us! Right, bro?”

“Huh? Oh, right.” Dipper gave her a quick high five and went back to staring around the room.

The whole thing was done up like they were in a circular, stone room. It looked like a cross between a mad scientist’s lab and the meeting place of some mystical, bloodthirsty cult. It was gruesome, but Dipper had never felt more at home in his life. Add a few video games and this room would encompass everything he cared about. He grinned broadly and turned to Uncle Stan.

“Alright, I’m in! What’s the mission?” he asked.

Uncle Stan smirked back, clearly pleased at how this was going. “We haven’t had a chance to record an intro yet, so I’ll do my best.” He cleared his throat and when he spoke again it was in a ghostly, spooky tone.

“Woooo! I am the spirit of a horrible sacrifice! I was killed by mad cultists, trying to summon the dread Cthulhu. Their ritual will be complete in an hour. If you don’t stop them, probably by solving a series of puzzles, Cthulhu will destroy the wooooorld!” 

“You heard the man, Dipper! It’s time to save the world!” Mabel cried. 

The twins got to work, looking in, under, and around everything they could get their hands on. They found keys and locks, vials of blood, various teeth, and a particularly annoying polka record. This time the puzzles were more difficult to solve, partially because the room was more difficult and partially because Uncle Stan didn’t know the solutions this time to give them hints. Dipper didn’t mind. In fact, he was happy for the challenge. It felt like he was being treated like a grown-up. 

The real trouble started when Uncle Stan tried to leave half-way through to use the bathroom. He pulled on the handle to the main door, but it didn’t budge. He pulled again, harder, but it didn’t make a difference.

“What the flying flapjacks? We’re locked in!”

Mabel rolled her eyes. “Duh, Uncle Stan. That’s the whole point!

Uncle Stan shook his head. “No. We’re not supposed to _really_ lock people in the rooms. Apparently that’s a ‘fire hazard’ that could ‘get people killed’.”

“Does that mean we’re stuck in here until someone shows up to let us out?” Dipper asked worriedly. 

Uncle Stan’s brow wrinkled, but he laughed reassuringly. “Nah, it’ll be fine. When we solve this room we’ll be able to get out the back door. There’s nothing to worry about!”  
Dipper sighed with relief. Of course. It was no big deal. He and Mabel had already solved two of these rooms with no trouble. This one couldn’t be that much worse. What was there to worry about?

And that was when the ghost appeared. 

 

**Now**

At first Ford couldn’t tell that something was wrong. Yes, Mika was hopping around on one foot, clutching her calf, but he assumed that was just another one of the inventive dance moves she’d been throwing out for hours. It wasn’t until he saw the pain on her face that he realized the truth: Mika’s leg had cramped up. She wasn’t going to be able to dance much longer. 

He ran to her side and then hovered, unsure what to do. Mika turned her head and glared at him.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave me alone? I can handle this myself!”

Ford grasped at words. “But I...Don’t you…” It was no use. What would make a difference to her in this state? He wanted to help, but she’d only see it as taking away her victory. How could he make her trust him?

And then an idea occurred something so simple, it should have been obvious to him hours ago.

“Do you remember what you said to Sharon when she attacked me?” Ford asked.

Mika spun around as continued her hopping dance. “Yeah, I told her to leave you alone. What’s the big deal?”

“No. I mean, do you remember exactly what you said?”

She winced and hugged her leg tighter. “I’m not thinking of anything too precisely right now. Why don’t you skip to the point?”

“You said ‘Don’t you dare hurt my friend’.” Ford looked at her earnestly. “Did you mean that? Are we friends now?”

Mika’s hopping slowed down for a moment. It was hard to tell because she was already so heated up from dancing, but Ford thought she blushed a bit.

“...Yeah. I guess so. If you want us to be, that is.”

Ford’s heart leapt and he smiled so hard his face hurt. Yes, he had a purpose, but it still felt amazing to realize he’d made a new friend, that there was a person who acknowledged that she genuinely liked him even though she was angry and in pain.

“I...I’d like that too,” he admitted. “But right now, as your friend, I need you to trust me, okay?”

She looked irritated. She looked suspicious. But finally Mika nodded. “Fine. Do you have a better plan than my stupid dance-myself-to-death one?”

“Actually, no. The plan is a good one. I just have one slight modification to suggest…” With that, Ford took Mika’s hand and put it on his shoulder. Then he hesitantly put his own hand on her waist before clasping their other hands together. He was surprised at how well their fingers interlaced, with each of her fingers cradled by two of his.

She looked at him questioningly. Ford blushed. “Ma made Stan and me take ballroom dance classes in high school. I still remember a bit of it.” He began to slowly guide her to the tune of “Werewolves of London”, letting her lean in and ease the pain in her cramped leg. 

Mika smirked at him. “You sir, are surprisingly smooth. I _guess_ you might be a bit a of genius after all.”

“You’re too kind.”

They were able to continue like that for another hour, moving slowly but still technically dancing. Beside them Sharon still seemed to have plenty of energy, but it was clear her spirits were getting down. The audience had dwindled. No one wanted to watch four non-stop hours of amateur dancing and now no one was cheering Sharon on. 

“What’s wrong, Sharon?” Mika asked. “Did you lose your pack?”

“They’re not lost!” Sharon barked back. “They just went to bed to get a responsible amount of sleep. It’s what I would have wanted them to do!”

“Then I guess it’s convenient that they would have done it anyway. Face it, Sharon, this fight is boring as heck. Aren’t you getting tired of dancing by yourself?”

To Ford’s surprise, Sharon looked down in sorrow. “It does lonesome being a lone wolf…”

Mika sighed with relief and Ford wondered just what was going on. “You know, I thought I could do everything by myself too. It made me feel stronger, safer. Now that I think about it, the times when I’ve really been alone have been the worst points of my life. I know you have a lot of friends, Sharon, but do any of them really know who you are? Or is the magic of the Lunar Fang keeping you from them? Keeping you from the pack you're meant to be a part of?”

Sharon was quiet for a moment and they continued to sway to the theme to Inuyasha. Ford was a bit in awe. What Mika had just done was some next level social interaction, the sort he wouldn’t dare try himself. He wonder if she really meant what she’d said or if she was just trying to get what she wanted out of Sharon.

Then, astonishingly, Sharon stopped dancing. “You’re right. I’ve been living a lie. I haven’t been a real part of furry community for years. I...I miss them.”

She reached to thick fur around her neck and pulled at something. The next instant it looked like she was melting. Her ears fell to the sides of her head. Her fur melded into her skin. Her body shortened and shrank. Within seconds Sharon changed from a terrifying wolf-like monster to a normal-looking middle-aged woman.  
She smiled at them sheepishly. “I don’t suppose the offer for all that money still stands, does it?”

“Of course!” Mika smiled back. “You more than deserve it.”

From there Sharon turned to be a kind-hearted chatterbox. She and Mika walked to the bank arm-in-arm, talking about family, friendship, and the importance of finding one’s purpose in life. Ford tuned most of it out. The only part that caught his attention was when Mika said, “And it turns out magic is real, so if you really want I’m sure you can find a real werewolf to bite you.”

Ford was then torn between telling Sharon about the mailman in Gravity Falls and never giving anyone leads about werewolves for the rest of his life. 

A few hours later, he and Mika finally stumbled back into their hotel room. Mika was dead on her feet from hours of dancing and her control over her aggressive urges was slipping again. She collapsed face-first onto her bed.

“Mika?”

“Ford, I need sleep now more than I ever have in my life. If you keep me from it, I _will_ kill you.”

He held up his hands placatingly. “Understood. I just...I wanted to thank you for trusting me today. I know that sort of thing isn’t always easy.”

Mika looked pensive. “Yeah. Well, that’s for helping me out even though I was being a jerk. It turns out you’re actually a pretty good guy under all that ego.”

“Thanks?”

“You’re welcome.”

There was more that Ford wanted to say, but he decided not to push his luck. After all, Mika did still have a curse to sleep off. Instead he took out his journal and began to make notes about the day’s adventures. 

At the end of the entry he included a drawing of Mika, sleeping soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the hunt for the second artifact! Mika and Ford are actual friends now! Sharon is notably wealthier! And everyone is going to be nice and well-rested.
> 
> Well, everyone in the present. Back in the past, Dipper, Mabel, and Stan have their own supernatural problems to face. Oh boy. It should be deadly fun for the whole family at least!
> 
> Now, once again, I plead with you dear readers to send me your thoughts on the latest chapter. This story and the comments I get on it are the driving force of my life right now (my life is _extremely_ empty at the moment). Any compliments, questions, or critiques are EXTREMELY appreciated. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! I'm hope you're still enjoying the story!


	18. Work for Your Dreams

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Now: Stan**

“It was incredible, Stanley! I’ve never seen a pseudo-werewolf up close before!”

“He hugged her. In the middle of a furry convention. I have pictures.”

“She was so adapted to her environment. She could walk among the public without alarming anyone!”

“At the furry convention. Also, full of sex toys. Your brother was crimson all day.”

“And then, here’s the most improbable part, we defeated her and won the fang by _dancing_ of all things. Ma would be proud.”

Shockingly, Mika blushed. “Yeah, Ford really saved the day with his dance moves.” 

Stan whistled. He wasn’t sure what he was more surprised about: that fact that Mika was suddenly talking about magic as a confirmed reality, or that she and Ford were actually getting along. Both made him feel pretty weird. 

Mika was the sort of person who wasn’t very good at hiding her emotions. After Stan had told her about the Ford had abandoned him after the science fair debacle and hadn’t reached out to him in the eight years that followed, Mika had seethed with rage for days. Stan had enjoyed her anger in a way. It made him feel validated. 

Now she and Ford were down-right paling around, joking with each other, and finding way too many reasons to touch. It made Stan feel forgotten. Even worse, it made him feel replaced. He wished he could just sit down with Mika for a few minutes. She’d see he was feeling weird and she’d make it better like she always did. She’d make him understand that she still cared about him and then he’d feel great that two of his favorite people were getting along so well. 

As it was, Mika was on the other side of the country on a heavily monitored computer call. There was so much they couldn’t say. 

He couldn’t tell her about the basic flamethrower he’d built in his room out of some cans of hairspray and the flint on his pocket knife. He couldn’t tell her about the days his captors forced him to stay awake, followed by the days where they would leave him alone and let him sleep for as long as he liked, like they wanted to give him the worst sleep schedule they could. He couldn’t talk about the dozens of escape plans he’d made over the last month.

And he couldn’t explain why he hadn’t tried any of them yet. 

The truth was, as far as hostage situations went, this one was pretty nice. He had all his needs met. There wasn’t any torture outside of the sleep deprivation. He was even making some friends, sort of. 

One was a teenager named Soos. Soos seemed to basically be the cult intern. He ran around to fetch things, go on errands, and perform whatever little repairs were needed. He also wound up pulling a lot of shifts guarding Stan, which was ridiculous because Stan could overpower the kid in an instant if he had to.

Still, Soos was nice. He was the one who talked with Stan the most. They talked about a lot of things: sports, Stan’s brief boxing career, and what brought Soos to join the Cipher’s Wheel in the first place. 

For Soos it started when his mother died and he went to live with his Abuelita. Abuelita sounded like a strong, tough, and loving woman, but she didn’t always connect with her grandson. Though Soos tried to hide it, he’d clearly had a rough time going back to school as the Latino kid with the Dead Mom and the Deadbeat Dad. He’d started to get bullied a lot. Then one day a teacher had approached him with an offer to find a place where he’d fit in, in a fun little club she was a part of. The rest was an all too common story of a sucker seeing what he wanted to see. 

As far as Stan could tell, the Wheelies were all that sort of misfit. There were people who’d lost jobs, spouses, limbs, or even just a sense of purpose. They’d all come together because Bill, whoever and whatever he really was, had the charm and charisma to make the unwanted feel special, to make them feel like they were a part of something, to give them a sense of belonging.

That’s what had happened to Bernice too. One night she’d taken over as Stan’s guard even though she was still in her nightgown, sat down, and poured out her whole life story to him. 

She’d been the only girl in a family of boys growing up. Money was always tight and money seemed to always be the thing keeping her from living her dreams. She had to spend years working and saving so she could get the hormones she needed to transition. Every dress she ever got was from Goodwill and more often than not had to be altered to fit her changing body and to look remotely modern. 

The worst of it was when she graduated high school. She didn’t have the grades to get any major scholarships to college. Still, she was desperate to go. She knew there was more to the world, to existence, than her small town family had ever bothered to explore. College was the only path she knew to be more than another cook at the family restaurant. 

That is, it _had_ been the only path she’d known. One day she’d been approached by a strange police officer with yellow eyes. She’d asked if Bernice was desperate, then handed her a piece of paper with some words on it. Bernice had read them aloud…

That was all it had taken for Bernice to meet Bill Cipher and discover that she’d been right all along: The world really was _much_ smaller than she’d ever known. 

“I’m sorry, Nick,” she’d said that night. “I know it’s wrong to threaten your brother and hold you like this. I know Bill is scary sometimes. I just...I can’t go back now. I just _can’t_.” Then she started to cry.

That was when Stan knew he wouldn’t try to escape, not yet at least. For better or worse, this was where he needed to be. 

He just wished he could tell Mika why. 

 

**Now: Ford**

He was floating. At first Ford thought it was the normal floating he felt in dreams, as though gravity simply didn’t apply. But it wasn’t. He was floating like he was underwater. The pressure of the ocean was pressing in on him. He couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t sure he needed to, but he felt suffocated all the same. He tried to move forward. He swam. Within a few feet he stopped. There was something in front of him that was a lot like glass. The only problem was that it tried to grab him everywhere he touched it, like it was made up of a thousand tiny hands.

It took him a moment to realize he wasn’t alone. There were two figures on the other side of the glass, both familiar. One was comforting, the other was anything but. 

“Welly, well, well,” said Bill with a smile in his eye. “If it isn’t little miss flame-head. You’ve been quite the troublemaker, you know.”

Mika stared back at Bill, nervous and uncertain yet trying not to show it. She’d never seen Bill’s true form before. She still knew exactly who he was.

“What do you want, Bill? Are you here to start giving me nightmares too?”

Bill laughed and conjured plush lounge chairs for them both. “Nothing so simple, Flamey. Sixer earned a little torment.” The water crushed Ford harder for a moment. “But I think you and I still have a chance to build a beautiful friendship.”

“You’re holding my best friend hostage. How stupid do you think I am?”

Bill blinked, or maybe winked? “That remains to be seen.” He snapped his fingers and a plate full of grapes appeared in front of him. Except instead of grapes it was a vine of tiny shrieking heads. He ate them all in one bite. “Tell you what, Flamey. If you ditch Sixer I’ll free your precious Stanley right now. You won’t even have to hurt anyone. Just leave and get back to your life.”

Mika rolled her eyes. “Again, I’m not stupid. If I leave it’s clearly so you can hurt Ford somehow, then Stan would hate me and my life would be miserable. What are you going to do next? Threaten Stan’s life? It has possibilities, but geez it’s boring.”

“It is, isn’t it? And you and I? We’re anything but boring.”

He was larger now, large enough to hold Mika in the palm of his hand. She stumbled and almost fell, but managed to cling to one of Bill’s fingers for support. There was no hiding how scared she was now.

“What is it that you want, Mika Susan?” Bill’s voice came from everywhere at once. 

“What do you mean?” she asked, incredulous. “I want you to leave me alone! I want you to stop hurting my friends and trying to destroy the world! What else would I want?”

“Oh, you’re thinking too smaaaaaaaaaaaall,” Bill crowed. Mika shrank. Bill’s eye was like a planet. “There are things you want. Everyone has their little ‘dreams’.”

Images started to play across Bill’s eye. Mika with a nice house and fancy car. Mika in an enormous library. Mika hugging some children (perhaps her brothers?). Mika kissing someone who looked unsettlingly familiar but Ford couldn’t quite place why. 

Then the visions went up a notch. There was Mika in a convention hall with hundreds cheering for her. Mika signing dozens of books. Mika in a posh suit giving some sort of serious lecture. 

“Stop!” Mika yelled at last. Abruptly she and Bill were their normal sizes again, sitting down like they were old friends. Mika shook her head then smirked with confidence again. “Sure, those are all things I would like but even if I didn’t think you would screw me over, I wouldn’t take any of those in exchange for someone’s life.”

“I know.”

Bill’s voice was cold and clear, but somehow there was a wave coming off of him, a wave of pure evil delight. 

“Then why did you--”

“I showed you all the things I knew you would say no to, Flamey. Aren’t you curious what I saved to make you say yes?”

And Ford watched in fear and confusion as Bill cupped his hands around Mika’s ear and whispered something to her.

Something that took a long time to say.

Something that made her smile with a delighted, wicked grin.

Bill held his hand out to her, covered in blue flames. “So do we have a deal, kiddo?”

Mika looked at Bill’s hand and then her own. She hesitated for a long moment, then her hand started to move. She was reaching toward Bill, with that same wicked grin on her face. Ford tried to scream!

Instead he woke in a cold sweat, just moments before their hands would have touched. He shivered with each breath and looked desperately over at Mika’s bed. She was still there, sleeping.

With a small wicked smile on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, geez. Everyone is having rough times now! Thank you for reading. As always, all feedback is extremely appreciated.


	19. The Price of Freedom

**Chapter Nineteen**

**Now**

Ford was nervous as they approached Gravity Falls. Normally he and Mika switched driving in shifts. Now he let her sleep drove through the whole night.

This was it. He was going to the place where he had made some of the worst mistakes of his life. It was where his regrets and nightmares waited for him. He didn’t want to go. It was his home and he didn’t want to be anywhere near, after the unexpected month he’d spent away. He especially didn’t want Mika to see it, the place where every spiteful word she’d ever said about him had been proven to be completely true.

Things had been going so well lately. He and Mika hadn’t fought at all since MushCon. They’d been reading books (mostly sci-fi) on the road. They’d even started a DD&MD campaign that they played every night for a few hours before bed. It was fun. It was easy. And by Stanford’s reckoning, it was time for something to go horribly wrong. 

He spent the whole night driving and worrying down a pitch black road. That probably explained why he had a horrible cold by morning. 

In a way it was nice. He didn’t have the energy to feel any crushing dread as he pulled in front of his house and shook Mika awake. Mika, on the other hand, was full of irritation once she realized what had happened.

“I can’t believe you just drove for the whole night! Do you know how dangerous that is? Geez, I knew it was a good idea to take the keys from you every night.”

“Really? I assumed it was because you didn’t want to risk me driving off without you while you...you....AAAAH-CHOO!” Ford sneezed hard enough that he dropped his suitcase on the way to the house.

Immediately Mika was in his face with her hand on his forehead. It felting cool and relaxing against his skin. She frowned.

“Well, looks like you’re sick now. Let’s get you inside. You’re going to need rest and plenty of it.”

To Ford’s surprise, she picked up his suitcase and wrapped an arm around him to lead him into his own house. She didn’t say a thing about the messes he’d left behind or the general state of the filth on his month-old dishes. Instead she attacked the chaos like a hardened soldier. She cleared the couch and wrapped Ford in blankets to get some sleep. She brought in their groceries, cleaned out the fridge, and started washing an embarrassingly large pile of dishes.

She was still at it when Ford woke up a few hours later was enough to leave him impressed. The fact that she had barely made a dent in his piles of junk, specimens, and barely organized paperwork was enough to make him cringe. She noticed him watching her and brought over a bowl of soup.

Soup.

She was _tending_ to him. He hadn’t had anyone take care of him when he was sick since he was a child. It was...nice, he supposed, but it still left him uncomfortable. 

 

“You...You don’t have to do all this, you know,” Ford said, trying to still sound grateful. “I just need some rest. You don’t have to clean my house. We’re only here to pick up my journals anyway. We can leave again later today.

“Nope. We’re staying at least a day. You have to get rid of that cold or soon we’ll both be sick and useless. And don’t worry about the cleaning. It gives me something to do. Besides,” she smirked, “it gives me an excuse to go through all of your things.”

Ford froze halfway through a spoonful of soup. “What?” 

Mika flipped her hand dismissively. “Don’t worry. I haven’t been, like, going through your underwear drawer. I’ve just been the records you left hanging around. Unicorns, manitaurs, eyeball bats, if half the things you’ve written about are true this place must be anomaly central! I wish we had more time so I could take a look around.”

She bent and picked up a half-buried scrap of paper from the floor. “What’s this one about? Some sort of multi-verse theory?”

Ford wasn’t consciously aware of moving. All he knew was that between one blink of his eyes and the next he was right in front of Mika, tearing the paper from her hands. “You have no right to go through my things! My research is for me alone! Anyone else will either use it against me or try to take the credit for themselves!”

That was part of the reason for his sudden aggression, but there was something else too. Mika still didn’t know about the relationship Ford had had with Bill, how close they had been and the work they had done together. She didn’t know how close Ford had come to ending the world. It was Ford’s eternal shame. He never wanted anyone to learn of it ever again. He’d managed to avoid thinking about it for weeks. Now that he was back in Gravity Falls, he no longer had that luxury.

But Mika didn’t know any of that. To her, he had just shouted at her out of nowhere.Her face went through a series of expressions: first surprise, then hurt, and finally a cold hard acceptance. She was looking at him the way she first had weeks ago, like he had just proven himself to be the most egotistical, paranoid, and self-centered person in the world. Ford winced inside but he didn’t know how to stand down without explaining everything he didn’t dare to say.

“So this is the Stanford Pines Stanley came to find after ten years apart,” Mika said coldly. “I was starting to wonder. You seemed so fun on the road. Showing me magic. Playing games. Telling your little science jokes. I wondered how you could also be the one who broke Stan’s heart. Now that I’m here I can’t even glance at a piece of paper you left lying around without you attacking me.”

 

“It’s not like that!” Ford returned. “I didn’t exactly set this place up for guests! I have a right to my privacy!” 

“Yeah, right!” Mika glanced at the paper and Ford moved it behind his back. “That’s got something to do with Bill, doesn’t it? He’s the only thing that makes you get all cagey like this. Him and the weird machine in the secret basement.”

“What! How did you…”

“Stan told me! Obviously! Did you think he was going to to keep your weird death triangle a secret? Especially after you BRANDED HIM?!”

Ford took a step back in shock. Of course. The sigil. After everything that had happened, Ford had nearly forgotten about that burn. It had been the turning point. Stan had screamed bloody murder and then slumped to one side, hissing and clutching at his back. All the fight went out of him then and didn’t come back. At the time Ford thought Stan had calmed down and seen how pointless it was for them to be fighting, that it was more important for him to take Ford’s journal and leave. Now, for the first time, Ford wondered if that was what had really happened at all. 

“It...It was an accident,” Ford said quietly. “I apologized. I tended to the wound.”

But Mika’s eyes had no mercy. “Did you know that was when Stan decided to give up on you? He almost had before you wrote to him. I have an unhealthy family. I have a lot of friends who do too. Stan was wondering if he should follow our lead and cut off the toxic people in his life. He wondered if you were really one of them. He wasn’t sure until you broke his heart and burned his back.” She took a deep breath. “Just what was it that you said to Stan that day?”

Now Stanford was surprised. Stanley had told Mika a lot. She knew about the portal, the journal, the fight, and the burn on Stan’s back, but she didn’t know what Ford had said to make Stan so hurt? Ford wracked his brain. What exactly _had_ he said that day? He knew he’d told Stan to take the journal and go and, alright, in a certain light Ford could admit that was a bit callous. But what else was there? It was...ah. Yes, now he remembered.

“It was...It was nothing.” Ford looked away. “I just suggested that he take the journal and sail off with it on a boat. Because he used to be fond of the idea of sea travel when we were children.”

Mika’s eyes narrowed as she considered his words. She looked suspicious, like she knew there were puzzle pieces she was still missing. “He still likes the idea. He’s talked about us living together on a boat someday.”

And that...That was a surprisingly harsh blow to Ford. Stan wanted to share a boat with Mika? To go sailing around the world? How dare he! That was _their_ dream! Stan had no right to just give it to someone else!

Ford snorted in contempt. “Of course he has. Stanley’s always been happy to do whatever is _convenient_ with whoever happens to be on hand.”

Mika went wide-eyed. “Excuse me? What it is even going on in that fractured brain of yours? Didn’t we agree we were friends just a few days ago? Why am I suddenly just some nasty _thing_ to you?”

Oh, no. Not this. He didn’t want this either. “You’re not! It’s just...I just...You don’t understand!” He ran a hand through his hair and pulled. “I...I’m _different_. I’ve always been different. For a long time ‘different’ meant ‘weird’, but then one day I thought it might be able to mean ‘special’.” He breathed deeply to try and slow down his pounding heart. “I can’t trust Stan because he’s the one who took that all away from me. He left me with nothing but being a weird freak. Because he’s short-sighted and selfish. Everything I’ve gained has been in spite of him.”

“Wait. Are you talking about the science fair again? But you admitted that your invention wouldn’t have--”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT WOULD HAVE WORKED! WHAT MATTERS IS THAT STANLEY BROKE IT! HE BETRAYED ME AND EVERYTHING I THOUGHT OUR FRIENDSHIP STOOD FOR!”

That was it. Ford’s hackles were up. He was ready for Mika to storm and rage or even to turn on him with that icy stillness she could wield like daggers. He didn’t care. He wasn’t going to pretend that Stan was an innocent victim anymore, not even for her sake.

“...So what was it that your friendship stood for? How did Stan betray that?”

Ford didn’t understand. Mika’s voice was...peaceful. It didn’t have a hint of accusation in. She was just looking at him calmly like...like some sort of therapist or something. Ford shrank back reflexively. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to, but if you don’t talk about it with someone the situation is never going to get better.” She kept watching him with steady eyes. “And I think, despite all your anger and pain, you _do_ want it to get better.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. He just felt so drained. He was tired and groggy from the drive and his cold wasn’t helping anything. “I...I think I’d like to rest some more.”

 

Mika nodded. “Sure thing. Just remember to apologize for yelling at me when you feel less cranky.”

Ford muttered something about further about protecting his privacy as he curled up on the couch and went back to sleep.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Mika had stopped cleaning when Ford woke up again. Instead she was sitting across from him, quietly scrolling through something on her laptop. Ford wondered if she was editing the latest episode of their show. No, she didn’t have her headphones in. She must just have been reading. Whatever it was, she looked extremely engrossed.

“Did you find an exciting fanfiction?” Ford asked jokingly. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d caught her reading some alternative DuckTales adventures. 

“...Not exactly.” She sighed and turned the laptop to face him. On the screen there was a long list of some sort. “I was looking at the course catalog for West Coast Tech. It’s pretty impressive. You probably would have done well there.”

“Oh.” What was there to say to that? “Yes. Probably.” He rubbed his arm self-consciously. “Listen, I’m sorry that I snapped at you before. You just touched on some things that I’m...a bit sensitive about.”

She smiled. “Yeah, I guessed that much. Don’t worry about it. I...I guess I shouldn’t have been going through your things. I’m just...I’m used to learning everything I can about a situation when I get the chance. It’s been a matter of survival for me in the past.” She shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I haven’t been super rude though. I’m sorry.”

Ford blinked. This was different. He wasn’t used to people actually apologizing to him for anything. Usually is was just friends and family yelling at him, saying he was being a terrible person. Lately he wasn’t so sure they were wrong. Still, it was… _nice_ for someone to just say they were sorry for something that had upset him. It made him feel warm inside. Safe. Even Bill had never pretended to feel apologetic about anything. 

“It’s alright. Thank you.” Ford coughed and cleared his throat. “So, why the sudden interest in West Coast Tech?”

“I’ve been trying to figure out just what it is that made you so angry with Stan that it’s lasted a full decade,” Mika admitted. “You’ve done really well for yourself despite not going to your dream school. You discovered magic, for crying out loud! Why do you still hold such a deep grudge?”

It wasn’t a question Ford normally wanted to answer. Fiddleford had asked a few times over the years and Ma asked nearly every time they spoke. Usually he would just change the subject and move on as quickly as possible. Today, somehow, he felt different. He felt like Mika would actually listen and, just maybe, she wouldn’t judge him for what he had to say.

“It’s because I would have been free.” He looked down at his hands, then quickly moved them behind his back. “All our lives Stanley and I were waiting for the day when we could escape from Glass Shard Beach. When we could get away from the bullies and the pawn shop and...and our father.”

Mika didn’t say anything. She just nodded. Who knew what Stan had told her about their home life. Ford didn’t want to ask.

“Stan and I spent a lot of time dreaming about getting out of there. We fantasized about building a boat and sailing around the world, but that was...that was never a realistic dream. How could a couple of teenagers ever hope to survive that way?

“For me, the way out had to be college. I didn’t just want it. I _needed_ it! I’d spent so long being tormented for my high grades and intellect. I needed to go someplace where I could be appreciated, where I would actually have a chance to flourish! Leaving Glass Shard Beach would never have been enough. I needed to go somewhere too. I would only be really free someplace where...where I wasn’t a freak anymore.”

Ford looked up at Mika nervously. “Does that make sense to you?”

Mika stared right into his eyes and sighed. “I’m a queer, handicapped woman, Ford. I know a lot about what it feels like to be the ‘freak’ in the room.”

Oh. Ford winced. Of course. Six-fingered geniuses were hardly the only group in the world who faced discrimination. “...I didn’t realize you had a handicap.”

Mika fished around in her backpack, which lay beside her seat. She pulled out a handful of pill bottles that Ford had never seen before. “My brain has problems, mostly with depression. I have to take seven pills a day to stay more or less stable. It doesn’t always work though. Sometimes the brain weasels win out. You should probably know about it, in case I start shaking and can’t get out of bed one day.”

“I...I see. Does that happen a lot?”

“Not too often. Not since I became friends with Stan. He really saved my life.”

“Oh.” Somehow, despite all the negative things Ford had thought about his brother over the year, he didn’t find it hard to believe he could be a hero too. “I suppose that explains why you think so highly of him.”

He swallowed. Ford had never been the best at judging social situations, but he and Mika seemed to be having a calm sort of intimacy right now, the kind where one could bring up delicate topics. He wanted to ask her about the dream he’d had, the one where he’d seen Bill offer her a deal. Of course it was likely to be another one of the demon’s tricks or even just a regular nightmare. He knew that. He knew, despite how much it went against his instincts, that he was coming to trust Mika. 

He wanted that trust to grow. He wanted their friendship to become stronger. He wanted...He wanted things that he was afraid to give a voice to. That meant being open with Mika about the true dangers Bill represented to them both...and the way he had so cruelly used Ford in the past. 

Ford didn’t like it. He didn’t like making himself vulnerable. He didn’t like taking that chance. But then he remembered other things: the way Mika had smiled when he’d shown her magic was real, the way she’d tackled a wolf-beast to protect him, the way she’d laced her fingers with his when they danced together. 

He had a feeling she was worth taking a chance for. 

Alright. One deep breath, and then the plunge. “Mika, there’s--”

“There’s something I want to tell you,” Mika said at the exact same time.

They stared at each other for a moment, each hesitating to continue. Finally Ford gestured for Mika to go first.

She looked down and wrung her hands together. “There’s, um, something I’ve wanted you to know for a while. I kind of wanted you to figure it out for yourself, but I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think that’s really fair.” She sighed. “You see Stanford, the truth is I’m--”

And then a giant angry dragon crashed through the ceiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun note: I intended this chapter to be a bit of sick/comfort fluff. That didn't work out. Turns out Ford and Mika had too much angst to get through! Still, I think it's been good for them. Hopefully they're emotionally sorted enough to deal with the dragon!
> 
> Next time: It's back to Stan and the kids as they try to escape the clutches of an angry ghost!
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Once again, I highly encourage reviews as they sustain my existence.


	20. Mysterious Mysteries

**Chapter Twenty**

**Back Then**

Dipper was a lot more prepared than he would have expected to see his first real live(?) ghost. He did watch a lot of ghost-hunting TV, that was true, but according to the forums he went to it was always an overwhelming experience to meet the supernatural for the first time. Unless it was something stupid, like gnomes. 

This ghost looked very by-the-book. She appeared as a floating head surrounded by sheets of vapor that implied the frame of a full body. Her face was withered and wrinkled and the brows above her empty eye-holes were crinkled into a glare. It was easy for Dipper to tell that this was an angry spirit. Or at least an annoyed one. He just hoped she wasn’t the violent kind.

Dipper stepped forward cautiously. “Everyone stay back! I know how to communicate with spirits. I read a whole book on it!” He cleared his throat. “Oh, noble spector, what has brought you to this earthly realm? What unfinished business keeps you tethered to the physical world?”

The ghost tilted her head, watching Dipper from the abyss of her skull-like face. Then she spoke, and her voice came out in an ominous whisper. “ _Well. It’s about time we got someone with some manners in here. Figures it would be someone too young to open an account._ ”

Dipper glanced back at Stan and Mabel. They both shrugged. “Er. What do you mean by ‘an account’?”

“ _I AM THE GHOST OF THE FREEDMAN’S SIXTEENTH NATIONAL BANK (AND JUNKYARD FUNPLACE)!_ ” the ghost bellowed, raising her arms to the sky. “ _HERE IN THESE VERY HALLS THE FINEST OF FINANCIAL TRANSACTIONS TOOK PLACE! NOW MY HALLOWED HOME HAS BEEN DESECRATED BY YOU MERE MORTALS AND YOUR ‘ESCAPE ROOM’ SHENANIGANS! I WILL STAND FOR IT NO LONGER!_ ”

“Wait a sec,” Mabel broke in. “What do you mean by ‘junkyard funplace’? Was this place a bank _and_ a Freddy Fazbear knock-off?”

“ _Oh. Well. Not exactly._ ” The ghost twiddled her thumbs looking suddenly meek. 

“Oh yeah, I heard about that,” said Uncle Stan. “You were like half bank and half pawn shop. You let local kids play in all the junk folks pawned on you. Didn’t you get shut down because too many kids got tetanus here?”

“ _I knew I never should have let people pawn all those rusty bicycles,_ ” the ghost muttered.

“Alright...I suppose that answers some questions,” Dipper said, though really he felt like it raised more. “But what is it that you want from us?”

“ _This building is more than bricks and mortar, small one. It is me. I am memories. I am hopes realized and crushed. I am birth and I am death. Now you ask me to be reborn and I cannot. A seed cannot be replanted. If I am ever to find peace, you must find my broken heart and heal it, give it the new life it needs to grow again! Do you accept my quest, strange escape artists?_ ”

“Hell no!” Uncle Stan yelled. He moved forward and stood in front of Dipper and Mabel. “I don’t know what kind of trick you’re pulling, lady, but you ya ain’t gonna be taking my niblings in on it!” He crossed his arms and stared her down, as though that settled the matter. 

The ghost looked less than impressed. “ _Fine. I guess I’ll just keep you trapped here forever then._ ” 

“It’s okay, Uncle Stan,” Mabel said. “I don’t mind helping the weird bank lady. I bet she’s really nice even. She had all those kids playing with her, right?”

Dipper nodded. “Besides, it is my sworn duty as a member of the official Junior Ghost Hunting Squad to lay this spirit to rest!”

“ _So it is decided!_ ” the ghost said before Uncle Stan could interrupt again. “ _Your first step shall be to find the key that looks like it’s at home, but isn’t--_ ”

“It’s the piano!” Mabel yelled and she ran over to a keyboard in the corner. Moments later she came back with a key that hadn’t actually been connected to the board. “It’s got a little metal thing on the back, but where does it go?”

“ _That is--_ ”

“Wait!” said Dipper. “That key is the same shape as the hole in the wall I found earlier! I bet it’s a magnetic lock!”

“ _....Oh. You kids are pretty good at this aren’t you? You know what? I’m just gonna leave you alone for a bit. This whole physically manifesting thing is pretty exhausting._ ” And with that the ghost faded from sight. 

For the kids this was starting to feel like more of the same escape room puzzles they’d been working on that day. Half of that experience was finding strange keys and opening strange locks, after all. That feeling changed when they put the piano key into the hole in the wall and opened up a hidden panel.

It didn’t lead to a secret compartment, or even another room. Instead it opened onto a tight and crooked staircase, littered with piles of things. There were an old pair of shoes, a lop-sided painting, a pile of water-damaged books, and a broken slinky. Mabel and Dipper climbed carefully around them. The staircase was very cold. Something about it made the twins feel like it was better for them not to touch anything they didn’t have to.

Uncle Stan came up behind them, grumbling about the tight fit of the stairway, but otherwise keeping surprisingly quiet. He seemed to appreciate the sudden somber atmosphere around them too. 

At the top of the stairs the children couldn’t believe their eyes. Their first thought was that they had definitely wandered into a dream. They were in a room with a low-hanging arched ceiling, covered in a mural of angels in clouds. All around them there was a light mist floating around a floor made up of large tiles. Not that they could see much of the floor. It was almost completely covered in what the children could only call treasures. 

There were costumes and jewelry and games and stuffed animals. Furniture lay of its sides with puppets and toys spilling out. One whole corner was taken up by a giant chess set. It wasn’t just a room full of wonders. It was an idea. Dipper and Mabel instinctively recognized it as an embodiment of the essence of childhood, although from an age long before they were born.

“ _Welcome to the heart of my spirit, young wanderers and older oaf. Here you may be able to heal what has been broken. Just heed one warning: take nothing from here for yourself or you shall be banished from the...Oh, for crying out loud!_ ”

“Uncle Stan!” both kids yelled in unison. They watched in horror as their uncle loaded up his pockets with as jewelry as they could hold.

“What?” he asked without a hint of remorse. “It’s not like some old building ghost needs this junk anymore. Besides, she’s not really gonna _do_ anything to us. Trust me, I’ve been ignoring disembodied voice all my life and look at meeeEEEEEEE!”

Suddenly the floor under Uncle Stan disappeared and he fell down into a dark abyss, screaming all the way. The children could only look on in horror.

“ _That’s right, loser. Don’t mess with me,_ ” the ghost said smugly.

“What did you do to him?” Mabel demanded. She picked up a nearby lamp and began to brandish it threateningly at the air around her. 

Dipper hurried to her side and took the lamp from her, quickly putting it on the ground in case the spirit thought she was taking it. “Don’t worry, Mabel! I read a book about this once.The ghost will release Uncle Stan once we finish helping her. She’ll be at peace then and she won’t have any more hold on this world.”

“ _Wow, you sure know your ghosts, kid. Are you sure you haven’t done this before?_ ”

Dipper shook his head but beamed with pride. “So, what do we have to do to help you?”

“ _It’s as I said before. My heart has been broken by being turned into a business of puzzles and trickery. You must fix it so I may be at peace._ ”

What followed was the strangest adventure the twins had ever had. They explored every nook and cranny of the room, but they only found answers once they started to think with more dream logic. There were riddles that were only visible if you breathed on the right spot in a mirror, a mechanical doll house that acted out a murder until they added police dolls to the scene, and a globe that projected constellations onto the cloud-covered ceiling. 

It was beautiful. It was entrancing. 

It was fake. 

With every clue they found, Dipper’s heart sank a little further. The room was well done. It certainly had a mystical type of feeling to it. But everything still had a mundane explanation to it. Hidden cameras, magnetic locks, smoke machines. The more puzzles he and Mabel solved, the more he realized that a real ghost probably wouldn’t need them to be playing games like this. No, the ghost they had seen was probably just something that someone had projected from the control booth. Uncle Stan fell through the floor on purpose so they could solve it all on their own. It was just another escape room after all.

It didn’t take long for Mabel to figure out something was bothering her brother. “You alright, Dip-Dot? Being haunted by the dead getting you down?”

“No. No, everything’s fine. It’s just kinda _normal_ fun, y’know?”

Mabel looked at him for a second then rolled her eyes and sighed. “Normal” was the code word they had started using over the years whenever they wanted to ask each other if something was supernatural. Thus far things had never turned out to be anything but normal. That didn’t especially bother Mabel. She found plenty of ordinary things to be excited about. But still, she didn’t like seeing Dipper be disappointed. 

“Darn,” she said. “I really thought we were onto something here!”

Dipper shrugged. “It’s okay. The puzzles are still pretty fun, right?”

“Right! And I think we just found the last piece!” Mabel opened a hidden compartment in a chest of drawers and dramatically held up half of a ceramic heart.

“That’ll fit perfectly with the piece we found in the sarcophagus!” Dipper exclaimed. They raced to put the final piece in place.

Mabel made it first and put the heart together. The moment she did, bright lights came on and they heard the “ghost” again. 

“ _You have done well, young adventurers! Now my spirit shall know peace! As I have foretold…_ ”

Dipper wasn’t listening. In fact, he wasn’t paying attention to anything except the very alarming fact that he suddenly couldn’t move. It felt like he was being held in a very strong and very cold hug. At the same time, he both heard and didn’t hear a voice speak to him.

_Thank you for playing. This is all much more interesting than being a bank ever was._

Then whatever it was let him go, just in time for Mabel to pull him to the head of a slide that had just opened up. 

At the bottom of the slide Uncle Stan and Mika waited for them with smug looks on their faces.

“So, what did you think?” Mika asked. “Not a bad ghost story, was it?”

“It was amazing!” Mabel cried. “You had Dipper and me fooled for a long time! And then all the puzzles and stuff were super hard but, like, hard in a fun way! What made you decide to switch halfway through to a ghost story anyway?”

Mika grinned. “I got the idea from a bunch of complaints the workers have been giving me about little accidents and misplaced tools and stuff. We started joking that there was a ghost around and I just sort of ran with it when I was designing the room.”

“I’m still half-sure it’s haunted,” Uncle Stan added. “That stupid room was always causing us trouble while we built it. Cold as heck too.”

“Well, you did a great job,” Mabel said with a solemn nod. “In fact, I bet you two are the best tricksters in the world! You should have a show or something.”

“Hmmm.” Mika looked thoughtful. “You know, that’s got something to it. We should have some...discussions, Stan.”

Uncle Stan rolled his eyes. “Oh boy, I can already tell this is going to be a pain in my butt. Can we at least get some lunch before you get us started on another project?”

“Fair enough.”

Throughout the whole conversation and into lunch Dipper barely said a word. All he could think about was a cold embrace and a whisper in his mind. He told Mabel about it that night as they went to sleep, knowing that he had no proof on his side.

He didn’t need to worry though. Mabel was the best sister in the world. Of course she believed him right away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for our younger twins for the moment! It turns out their first real adventure was a pretty normal one...for the most part. They may not have the mystery of the Author to figure out this time, but Mabel and Dipper still have plenty of mysteries and adventures in their futures!
> 
> In the meantime though....
> 
> Oh my gosh! There's a dragon attacking Ford and Mika! How will they get out of this one?!
> 
> As always, reviews are IMMENSELY appreciated. I love to know what your thoughts are!


	21. Seeing the Obvious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Discussions of suicide.

**Chapter Twenty-One**

**Now**

“Aaaaah! It’s a freaking dragon! You never said that there were _dragons_ here!”

“I didn’t know!” Ford shouted back as he and Mika dove for cover. Once they were both behind the couch he gave her a slight grin. “It’s exciting though, isn’t it?”

Mika tried to glare at him but soon a smile of her own broke through. “Alright, maybe a little bit. I’ll let you know if we manage to make it out of here alive---Eeeep!” They jumped separate ways as the dragon clawed the couch in half and blew fire between them.

“So what do we do now?” Mika yelped. “You’re the expert here!”

That was a good question. Stanford had spent years studying the many mysteries of Gravity Falls, but he had never seen hide nor scale of a dragon before. He took a careful look at the creature attacking them. It was enormous, easily twice the size of the house with green scales and bright, pupil-less yellow eyes. As Ford watched the dragon reared back its long neck and roared, breathing fire straight into the sky.

Ford paused. Somehow something didn’t seem right about the situation (even by Gravity Falls’ standards). Why did the dragon have no pupils? How was it being so violent and dangerous without actually hurting them? Why was it...Wait. Could it be? A sudden thought filled Ford with both hope and dread. He had a theory, but there was something he needed to test it. Mere words wouldn’t be enough in a situation this extreme. 

Ford looked around desperately for what he needed. It had to still be here! He spotted it a moment later, a few feet behind Mika.

“Mika! Toss me that thing in the corner!” Ford called. Mika looked over her shoulder, then back at him quizzically, but there wasn’t time to explain. Ford just gestured again. “Yes, that. Hurry!”

She ran over, grabbed the thing, and tossed it to Ford in one smooth motion. She was just in time. A moment later the dragon crashed a claw down over Ford, trapping him like he was in a cage. Luckily his hands were still free. 

Stanford didn’t know much about playing stringed instruments, but fortunately he had learned how to play the opening of “Dueling Banjos”. He strummed the simple chords carefully and waited for the dragon’s next move.

Somewhere in the beast’s belly, Ford heard an answering tune. He quickly continued the song, praying that he still remembered the lessons he’d only half paid attention to all the way back in college. Again, he heard more music in response. 

Now was the tricky part. They were starting to go faster. Ford’s hands could barely keep up and it didn’t help that he was using six fingers on an instrument meant for five. Soon they were at the high-intensity, near-impossible pace that was the heart of the song and Ford couldn’t even pretend to keep up. Luckily he didn’t have to. The dragon was holding completely still now as the climax of “Dueling Banjos” echoed from its stomach.

“Mika! Go for the belly now while it’s distracted!”

“Already on it!” 

Mika grabbed a floor lamp and held it base-forward like a baseball bat. She ran forward to the dragon’s side, raised the lamp up, and roared as she smashed it into the creature with all her might. The lamp crashed through with a single blow….with the sound of metal on metal.

“Ha!” Ford cried out in triumph. “I knew it! Come on out, Fiddleford!”

Mika was breathing heavily still and she looked at Stanford incredulously. “What the heck is a Fiddleford?”

“Fiddleford McGucket. He’s my old research partner,” Ford explained as he wriggled his way out of the dragon’s grasp. “He builds robots. Given the scope of this one I think it’s safe to say he’s irritated with me and wanted to make an impression.”

He went over to the hole Mika had made in the dragon’s side, ready to see his old friend again. There was a bit of machinery to push out of the way, but that was no trouble. 

No, the trouble came when Stanford finally cleared the way into the control room and saw what had become of Fiddleford.

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 43**

EI: *sigh* Hey, listeners. Nick’s sick this week and threatened to throttle me if I didn’t let him sleep. That means you’ve got a one-host show this episode. Don’t worry though, I’ve got a plan. This week I’m going to tell you a story. It’s not pretty and it’s not nice. It may not even be true. Still, I think it’s an important story for any Rigger to hear. 

Do you know what makes our work so easy? It’s because we specialize in telling people what they want to hear. It’s easy because people want life to be simple and straightforward, not something they have to think hard about.

I think the most common lie in the world is when people say “I’m fine.” It makes sense. Folks are always asking how you’re doing and you don’t always want to go into the messy details. The thing is, I learned the hard way that people often hear “I’m fine” even if you’ve said the exact opposite. 

So, cards on the table, I’ve got pretty bad depression. On my worst days I want to die. On my absolute worst day I almost did. I’m still around because of Nick, but that’s a story for another day.

The thing is, I’ve been dealing with these feelings for a long time. I knew what my problem was and I followed all the rules. I went to therapy. I got medications. And...I told people. I told my friends. I told my family. I told my doctors. I wrote in journals. I took vitamins. I made sure I went outside. Some things helped and some things didn’t. I thought I was being the model patient for depression. 

It didn’t make me stop having the urge to die. Even worse, for all the communicating and crying I did with loved ones, it was never enough to convince them that I wasn’t fine.

Take my father for example. I told him I was suicidal. He was horrified. He asked what he could do to help. I asked him to call me once a week. He promised. Then he never did. Every time we spoke he only wanted to know the easy things happening in my life and then it was more than an hour of updates on the minutiae of his own life. Because he was scared. That made it easy for him to decide things weren’t really that bad. I had to be fine because that was what was normal and easy.

It’s not just on a personal level either. We see the “It’s fine” mentality all over the place: gun control, climate change, racism. People want to believe the world is simple, easy, and fair. People will want to believe _you_ when you say that it is, even if what you’re really doing is screaming the opposite.

So, choose your rigs well, folks, and keep your eyes open. You never know when you’re going to find out the hard way that you’re the one who’s been taken in by the easy “fine”s. 

 

**Now**

Fiddleford was a mess. His suspenders were loose and he wore a stained, torn tank top. He had a thick, scraggly beard and dark shadows under his eyes. In the heart of his deadly machine he looked up at Stanford with frightened eyes, clutching his banjo like it was the only friend he had in the world. 

“I…” Ford didn’t know what to say. “Fiddleford, what’s happened to you? You’re...You’re a wreck!” 

Fiddleford looked at him with confusion. “And you’re...Stanford? I remember. You’re the one. I keep trying to forget about you. Why did you come back?”

What could Ford say to that? Is was all too clear what had happened. Fiddleford had continued to use his memory gun on himself, to the point that his very identity was starting to fracture. Suddenly Ford felt dizzy. His heart hurt and he leaned against the inner wall of the dragon. What had he done?

Mika looked back and forth between Stanford and Fiddleford. “Sorry, but what’s going on here? Ford, do you know this man?”

“Of course I do.” Ford’s voice cracked. “He’s my best friend.”

It didn’t take long to explain after that. Or maybe it did. Ford wasn’t feeling very on top of his sense of time. There was a gaping hole in the house so they all went downstairs to the lab...and the remains of the portal.

Ford felt like he was in a dream as he explained everything to both of them, cold and mechanically. He might have been giving an account to an academic journal or, perhaps, to the police.

_I was first approached by Bill Cipher in my dreams. He played to my vanity and convinced me to build a portal to another dimension in order to discover a Unified Theory of Weirdness. I did so despite the many warnings and misgivings of my dear friend and colleague. In the end I drove away everyone who has ever cared for me._

_I am a fool._

Fiddleford listened to him with confusion and occasional jerks of sudden recognition. Mika just watched him emotionlessly. Ford wasn’t sure which reaction was worse. Finally he was done and the room was silent. 

“Well?” Ford asked a bit aggressively, “Don’t either of you have anything to say?”

“That sure is a humdinger of a story, Stanford,” Fiddleford said. “I don’t rightly remember most of it happening but it’s making my brain tingle all unpleasant-like so I reckon it must be true.”

Ford glanced over at Mika next, but to his surprise she was paying more attention to Fiddleford.

“So, you’re saying that you invented a ray that erases memories? That’s incredible! How does it work?”

Sadly Fiddleford just shrugged. “That, missy, is part of a long list of things I don’t remember!”

“I don’t know the mechanics of the device,” Ford said. “I believe it works as an extreme memory suppressant. Sort of like an advanced form of hypnotism.”

“Oh.” Mika was quiet for a moment as she took in the information. Then she turned to Fiddleford. “Geez, no wonder you’re a wreck.”

“What?” Ford and Fiddleford said at the same time.

“Well, you’re trying to get rid of painful memories to improve your life, but it sounds like what you’re actually doing is suppressing or erasing the images of the negative experiences without doing anything about the structure of your brain.”

Mika tapped her head for emphasis. “Psychological trauma actually physically changes the structure of the brain. It changes your reactions to fear, aggression, and any stimuli that remind you of your traumatic experience in a very tangible way. To recover, you need to not forget your trauma, but rather rewire your brain itself.”

Ford stared at her with his jaw open. Just where had all of that come from?

Fiddleford, on the other hand, had different priorities. “So you’re saying I need to build some sort of brain laser to fix me up?”

“No!” Ford and Mika said at once.

“Please, Fiddleford, just try therapy!” Ford begged.

“I suggest eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy,” Mika added. “It’s shown good results for helping patients transition PTSD into regular long-term memories.”

“I don’t know.” Fiddleford rubbed his chin. “You sure I can’t solve this with a giant robot?”

Ford took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to like this, but it was time to be humble. He reached out and put a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you, Fiddleford,” he said. Ford could barely look him in the eye. “I should have trusted you. I should have told you about Bill. I know it’s my fault that your life has deteriorated so much and…”

A sudden, horrible thought occured to Ford. “Oh, no! I...How long has it been since you saw your wife? Your _son_?”

Fiddleford squirmed a little. “...I don’t remember. I reckon that means it’s been a might too long.”

“Well…” Mika interrupted. “If it isn’t too wrecked, there _is_ a dragon upstairs that could probably fly you home.”

“Hoo, doggie! That’s right!” Fiddleford jumped and clicked his heels with joy. He looked at Mika. “Say, I don’t recognize you. Are you another person I forgot?”

Mika laughed. “No, we’ve just met. I’m Ford’s…” She glanced in Ford’s direction. “I’m a friend of Ford’s. My name is Mika Susan.”

Ford blinked in surprise. First Mika knew about neurobiology and now she had a last name. Despite Mika’s many hints on the subject, Ford was only now coming to realize there was a lot he didn’t know about her.

Fiddleford went upstairs to see how much damage his dragon had taken and Ford walked over to Mika’s side. 

“That was an impressive little lecture you gave about the neurological structure of memories. Where did you learn all that?”

Mika gave him a smirk of barely contained glee. It was a smirk that said ‘Finally!’

“Oh, didn’t you know?” she asked in a phony casual tone. “I’m a scientist!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many feelings in this chapter! I knew that Ford needed to face his demons on multiple levels when he got to Gravity Falls and an important part of that was him facing the consequences of what happened to Fidds. And of course, as we all know, Fidds deals with his problems via giant robots!
> 
> Also, Mika is a scientist. Who knew?


	22. The First Edge

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

**Stan**

They hadn’t let Stan sleep for three days now. It was hard sometimes to tell how deliberate their actions were. After all, their main way of keeping him awake was to send in Soos and have him jabber away about anime for a few hours. 

Of course, that hadn’t worked forever. Eventually the Wheelies had switched to ‘accidental’ fire alarms and insisting that Stan take sudden cold showers. It was annoying, but also weird as hell. For an evil cult trying to torture him through sleep deprivation they were being awfully nice about it.

In fact, the whole cult was bizarrely nice. They brought him food he requested, asked him about his day, and once even offered him a shoulder rub (that last one had been Bernice). It was like they were trying to trick him into their friend. How stupid did they think he was?

They only emotion they’d managed to get out of him in the last few weeks was pity. It was painfully obvious how much this Bill guy had them all under his thumb. They thanked Bill for the sun in the sky and the air in their lungs. Sometimes Stan could hear cult members screaming at night. Even then it was pained shrieks of praise. Stan wasn’t generally one for taking on other people’s problems, but he knew he had to do _something_ at least to give these folks a chance of getting out. The nice ones, anyway, like Bernice and Soos. Detective Daniels could take a long walk off a short dock for all he cared. 

Stan was also feeling increasingly useless. Ford and Mika were who knew where, probably risking their lives to try and save him, and here he was just uselessly sitting in his cell most of the time. There had to be something he could do to help them. After all, it was obvious the Wheelies were up to something even more sinister than they let on. Maybe even more sinister than they knew.

Luckily, by now Stan had worked out about a dozen ways to get out of his cell. Most of them were violent, but he had them ready for an emergency. Today though, he had a theory that he _really_ wanted to try out. He cleaned himself up as best as he could and waited for Bernice to take her turn guarding him.

When she showed up Bernice was as bright and cheerful as always. She stopped outside his door with her laptop and, as usual, started talking about what was going on in her favorite podcasts.

“Don’t worry,” she reassured him, “Rig Your Roll is still doing fine in ratings even though it’s not _nearly_ as good without you on it! According to the latest episode, they should be in Gravity Falls now. Everyone is so excited!”

“Yeah, why’s that? There isn’t even an artifact there, right?”

“Oh! Um...no reason! Now let me tell you about the gay things happening in The Questing Area!”

There! Bernice had a habit of very nearly dropping hints of what the cult’s plans were. Stan had a hunch she would open up a lot more with a bit of persuasion. He reached his hand through the food flap in his door and touched Bernice’s side where she sat on the other side of the door. She jumped and let out a squeak.

“It’s okay!” Stan said quickly. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I just thought...Ain’t it strange that we’ve known each other so long and never touched?”

“I...I suppose?” He could hear the blush in her voice.

“We could fix that, you know. I can tell you’re real beautiful when you’re not on the other end of a taser.”

“Stanley!” she gasped. “Are you flirting with me?”

He grinned. “Depends. Do you want me to be?” She couldn’t see him, but he waggled his eyebrows anyway. 

“I...Yes! But I thought...Mika…Wait.” She paused and groaned. “This is a trick isn’t it? You’re just trying to get information out of me.”

“What! No! I...I just have a great case of Stockholm Syndrome, I promise!”

Suddenly Stan heard the rattling of keys and his cell door swung open. Bernice stood on the other side with her arms crossed and a stern expression on her face. She marched forward and grabbed Stan by the collar of his shirt.

“Listen, Pines! I don’t know what exactly you’re up to, but I know one thing for sure!” Then her grip loosened and her voice abruptly softened. “If you make out with me for five minutes I will tell you _anything_ you want to know.”

On the plus side, it turned out that Bernice was actually a pretty good kisser. 

Ten minutes later Daniels walked in on them in the midst of some fairly heavy petting. She made a face and said “Ugh. Flesh sacks are disgusting,” before knocking Stan out with a billy club. The last thing he noticed as he went down was the strange yellow tint to the detective’s eyes.

**Dream Time**

“Hey there, Stanley! Ready for another chat?” Bill asked.

Stan groaned. “Not you again.”

Although Stan still wasn’t sure he believed in things like demons and magic he’d decided a while back not to trust the little triangle in his dreams just to be safe. “I already told you, I’m not going to tell you anything to help you hurt Mika.”

Bill waved a hand dismissively. “No need, I figured out her weakness ages ago.”

“Wait, what? You did?” Stan tried to keep his face neutral, but his hands were already forming fists.

“Sure! You just kept saying she’s the strongest person you’ve ever met. That made it obvious. Strong people always have the the same weakness.” And for an instant Bill turned red and his voice became distorted. “Being _weak_ ”

Bill turned back to his bright yellow form again. “Anyway, I’m just here to see yoooooou today, Mackerel! Don’t you feel special?”

“Yeah, like I got a special case of food poisoning.”

“Aw, there’s no need to get huffy.” Bill floated around him and ruffled his hair. “I know what your real problem is: you’re all alone again. Just like you were for all those years when your dear brother turned his back on you.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “And whose fault is _that_ I wonder?”

“Aw, there’s no need to play the tough guy. After all, it’s just us here for all the hours of sleep you have to catch up on…”

So that was why he’d been so sleep-deprived lately. “What’s your game, Bill? I don’t want to waste my sleep dealing with you.”

Bill shrugged. “I’m just here to tell you what you already know. Mika and Sixer are getting the hots for each other and leaving you in the dust. I’d know. I’ve seen their dreams.”

Stan laughed at first, but then he had second thoughts. What if it were true? He didn’t know how Ford’s taste in women had evolved in the last ten years, but Mika was just the sort of bold, pretty woman he used to go for. And, come to think of it, Mika had a real soft spot for nerds. And they were both smarty-pants science types! _And_ they’d been forced into a months-long road trip together! It was a total romantic cliche! 

“Crap,” Stan finally said, hating the glee in Bill’s eye. “Well, so what? Even if they do go for each other, it doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten me!”

“Doesn’t it?” Bill asked. “After all, they’ve also both found a better version of you now, haven’t they? Why would they bother coming back for the original?”

“Because they love me, damn it!” He knew they did! Mika had been there for him for two years! And Ford...Bernice had said Ford always wanted to reach out to him. It was just Bill keeping them apart.

Bill tsked. “You really believe that, don’t you. Well, if they _do_ they should have no problem with this little test you can give them the next time they call…”

Stan tried to ignore Bill’s wicked suggestion, but it was impossible not to listen. The only hope he had were the words Bernice whispered to him right before they’d been torn apart.

_The toys mean nothing. The first edge is complete._

 

**Ford**

“So, you’re a scientist, are you? Care to elaborate on that a bit?”

It was hours later. Fiddleford had stayed for dinner, reveling in talking over old memories with Ford. Soon after, the friends hugged and Fidds took off for home in his dragon. He had a long, hard journey ahead of him and some even harder reunions. Mika and Ford wished him the best of luck and he left just before Ford had a coughing fit to remind him of his fresh cold. From there Mika ordered him to get some more sleep.

Now Mika sat down on the edge of Ford’s bed and smiled. “It’s what I was going to tell you earlier, before we had to fight off a dragon and all that. I specialize in sociology, psychology, neurobiology, and the intersections among them. I like learning about people and what makes us think and act the way we do.”

Ford coughed then smiled back at her. She was a scientist! There was a tickle in his throat that made him want to cough. At the same there was a similar tickle in his chest, like a piece of warm laughter had gotten caught there and taken root. It felt like there was sunshine spreading all throughout him. 

“That’s magnificent! I can’t believe I didn’t see it before!” he exclaimed. “What sort of work have you done?”

Her grin faded and she sighed deeply. “Nothing. I...I’ve never been able to do any work of my own. I, um…” Mika looked away self-consciously. To Ford’s surprise, she looked embarrassed, even ashamed. 

Without thinking Ford reached out and took one of Mika’s hands. It felt cold and shook a little when he held it so he rubbed it between his hands for warmth. “I, ah, you see...Mika, you don’t need to be afraid to tell me anything. After everything you’ve heard about me today alone, you know I’m in no position to judge you.”

“It’s...not that, exactly,” Mika said hesitantly. “I’m scared that you won’t think I’m a _real_ scientist, that you’ll think I’m not as smart as you. I mean, obviously, no one is as smart as you. I could never invent half the things you have. And your research! You _discovered_ magic! I never would have even thought to look.”

She looked away, but her fingers laced between Ford’s. “I didn’t know what I wanted to study when I went to college. It was just sort of the thing to do after high school. I was a feminist, so I took some gender studies classes. I liked analyzing movies so I wound up in the film department. It wasn’t until I was ready to graduate that I realized what I liked so much about the films and the gender studies. 

“It was the _people_. I was fascinated by the way people perform roles in movies and real life. I was amazed to realize that gender was something people did on purpose, that things like authority and the economy are just fantasies we all agree on. It-It was incredible! It changed the way I saw the whole world!” She sighed again and hung her head. “It also happened too late. I was out of college and up to my ears in so much debt that I couldn’t think of going back.”

Ford bit his lip. “Did you look into scholarships? Grants?”

Mika chuckled. “I did actually. Most of them wouldn’t have been enough for me to attend the kinds of universities I needed to go to. There was one exception though. You may have heard of it: West Coast Tech.”

“...What.”

“Oh, man. I wish I could have a picture of your face right now!” Mika shook with giggles then made an effort to control herself. “From what Stan tells me you already know that WCT offers full scholarships every year to promising potential students. That’s how you were going to be able to attend if their committee liked your perpetual motion machine, right?”

“Yes. Pops made it clear early on that he wasn’t going to pay for Stan or me to attend a ‘good-for-nothing fancy school’. A scholarship was the only way I could attend anywhere but the cheapest of schools.” And then he had foolishly put all his hopes on West Coast Tech leading, indirectly, to him nearly ending the world. Then again, he supposed the same could be said for a lot of his actions for the last ten years.

“So, yeah, I tried for that scholarship too a few years ago, to attend as a graduate student and earn a PhD.” Mika shook her head. 

“I wrote them an essay, one hell of an essay, all about my theories for how enforced gender norms affect neurological development. I didn’t have any personal research. I’d just done a lot of reading. But I figured, well, that’s what I’m going to school for, right? To learn more and refine what I already know. The admissions board...let’s just say they didn’t see it that way. My interviewer tossed away my essay without getting past the first page. She said that West Coast Tech wasn’t interested in the ‘soft sciences’ that year.”

Mika pushed her glasses aside and ran her free hand down her face. “I’ve had some rough stuff happen in my life, but nothing has ever made me feel as worthless as that woman did. It was like, suddenly, all my dreams and ambitions were gone, like they’d never meant anything. I’ve had depression all my life but _that_ , that sent me into a depressive spiral worse than any I’ve ever known.”

They were both quiet for a long moment. Ford scrambled for words, wishing he had any idea what to say. In the end, Mika spoke first. 

“I’m sorry about what happened to you, with Bill I mean. It sounds like it was horrible. I can see how it would make you feel like you couldn’t trust anyone anymore. I...I’m glad that you were able to reach out to Stan, even just a little bit. I know better than most that sometimes it’s impossible to do even that much.” She looked him in the eyes. “Ford, I hope you trust me.”

Stanford still didn’t know what to say. Luckily his instincts did the talking for him. He sat up and pulled Mika into a tight hug. They didn’t need words after that. Not serious ones, anyway. Instead they spent the rest of the evening laughing and telling stories of happier times. 

The next morning was a bit of a puzzle. Stanford had no idea at what point Mika had laid down on his bed or at what point into their late conversations they had fallen asleep. All he knew was that the two of them hadn’t unclasped their hands throughout the entire night. 

They didn’t talk about it afterward, but Ford did a drawing for her as a thank you: a wombat in a party hat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you'll recall, Mika asked for a drawing of a wombat in a party hat back during the Marty-Mart arc! Promise: fulfilled. 
> 
> Wow, things are getting a little steamy for the brothers! Also, Stan's getting some dream-torment and some ominous clues! What could it mean???? As always, I am delighted to hear your thoughts on the matter!
> 
> In other news, I've started another story! It's called Weird Enough to Survive and it's a Reverse Falls AU also starring Mika. It's going to be a much shorter story about the Pines having fun being silly and creepy while Mika tries to find her place within the family. Check it out! I'm having a lot of fun writing it. Next chapter should be up next week.


	23. Clean and Dirty (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: NSFW! I'm testing some new and smutty waters this time.

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

**Clean and Dirty**

There was a problem emerging as they went farther south, and that problem was emerging from Mika’s neckline. 

Of course, it was only natural that Ford would notice. After all, Mika had certain, ah, significant endowments, and those were catching Ford’s attention lately.

Wait.

No! Not like that! It was her shirts! The weather was warm in California so Mika was wearing short sleeves now and a number of the shirt designs had caught Ford’s eye. Some had witty sayings like ‘I’ve Got Issues’ surrounded by comic books or ‘Trample the Patriarchy’ featuring a very feminine yet aggressive unicorn. He’d been particularly taken by one with an axolotl on the front, as it was his favorite animal. Only he hadn’t commented on it because he didn’t want to seem like he’d been staring at her chest.

Then things had gotten strange.

The weather got hotter and she’d switched to tank tops, tank tops with notably lower necklines. (Nothing a reasonable person would call indecent, of course! Ford was hip! He could handle some skin!) One day she wore a star-covered top that read ‘Ad Astra Per Aspera’. To the stars, through adversity. That one left him slack-jawed. The latin phrase was somewhat well-known, like cogito ergo sum and the like, but it was also something Ford had always considered a personal tagline of his. Seeing it on her like that, it felt like…

Well, it was a good thing he didn’t believe in signs.

Still, from then on Ford couldn’t help recalling what he had keenly tried to forget before: Mika was a woman and a notably attractive one at that. Ford did his best not to blush when he saw her or treat her any differently. But those shirts…

Alright, fine, it was her breasts. 

They were just so...there! So supple and soft and bouncy and bold. It was taking Ford a ridiculous amount of willpower not to stare at them almost constantly. Sometimes she went swimming and maintaining eye contact while she was in a bikini was a nightmare, but there was also the tantalizing looseness that came at night when she wore an oversized shirt without a bra to go to bed. 

Ford tried to tell himself that these feelings were natural. They were two sexually mature adults, frequently in confined quarters together for long periods of time. It made sense that they would feel an attraction to each other. It was nothing to make a fuss over. 

(Not that he’d gotten ANY sign that Mika was noticing anything attractive about him. Then again, who ever had?)

Things came to a head one hot day when Mika joined him for breakfast at the latest hotel buffet. He saw her approach from the corner of his eye.

“So, are the eggs any good here?” she asked.

He shrugged as he spooned some tater tots onto his plate. “About as good as they’ve been at the last dozen hotels.”

“So, terrible? Retchworthy? Possibly already thrown up by the last guests?”

Ford laughed. “Exactly.” Then he turned and looked at her fully. “I...Oh, come on!”

Mika quirked an eyebrow in confusion. Then she followed his gaze to her latest low-cut tank top. It was boldly emblazoned with the words ‘I’m a Slut for Science!’ Mika laughed. “Oh, right. Do you like it?”

She gave him an over-the-top saucy wink. Of course she did. 

“It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen,” Ford said flatly. Then he shoved his plate into her hands. “I’ll eat later. I just remembered there’s something I have to attend to.” He walked out of the buffet as briskly as he could, leaving a very befuddled Mika in his wake. 

Was she doing this on purpose?! Driving him to distraction as some sort of sultry siren? How could he be expected to work under these conditions? These…Oh, no. His pants were growing tight. From his penis. Doing its natural, sexually mature adult thing. The traitor. 

Women were a sore subject for Stanford. He’d had several major crushes in his life and, whenever he’d had the courage to do anything about them, they’d all ended horribly. Women didn’t like him. They sneered. They laughed. On the worst occasions they screamed. On good days Stanford claimed he didn’t understand them. On worse days he feared he did. After all, he was an anomaly, and what was that but another word for freak? 

But then there was Mika…

He’d never had a woman spend so much time with him before, let alone one who shared his interests, who teased him and confronted him, who was so comfortable holding his hand. Lately he couldn’t help but imagine all sorts of things. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was strong. What if she used that strength to pin him against a wall? What if she used those smiling teeth to nibble at his neck? And then, if she ran her hands along his face, then down his chest, getting lower until they…

There was no doubt about it. Ford _definitely_ needed a cold shower. Just like he’d been needing them for the last week. They were the last weapon he had left in his ongoing battle for his own self-respect. Nevermind the fact that he hated cold water and that he was increasingly uncertain just how much he cared about his self-respect at this point. 

He stormed into their room and made a beeline for the bathroom. Five minutes under some icy water and he should be fine again. He’d be a normal person, able to civilly interact with anyone regardless of their shirt. 

_Oh, so would you rather she didn’t wear a shirt at all then?_ said a wicked voice at the back of his mind.

“Uuuuuuugh!” He groaned and leaned forward against the sink. This was ridiculous. He was seeking out dangerous magical artifacts, fighting demons, decoding ancient texts, and trying to find a way to save the world. Yet some perky cleavage and a hard dick were distracting him so much that he couldn’t accomplish a thing. 

His breath was much heavier than it had any right to be as he lifted his head and gazed at his reflection. His face was bright red and a little sweaty. The bulge in his pants was well-defined and impossible to ignore. Yet more noticeable than any of that was the fact that he looked absolutely miserable.

Fine. Fuck it. He’d side with hedonism for once. After all, she’d never need to know, right?

Stanford made sure the shower was a hot, comfortable temperature before he got in.

He took care of the necessities first. Soap. Shampoo. A shave. He was nervous. It had been a while. He also knew he didn’t want any distractions. He checked about a dozen times to make sure he’d locked the bathroom door. 

But what if he hadn’t?

What if Mika came back from the buffet, curious about why he’d left, and then she just wandered into the bathroom?

“Why did you leave so suddenly?” she’d ask. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, nothing wrong,” Ford muttered as his hand wandered down his chest and then took a firm hold of his cock. “Your shirt was just...It was distracting.”

“Is it?” And she’d smile with that small, teasing smirk of hers. “Or is it what’s under the shirt that’s bothering you so much?” Ford’s jaw would drop as she reached under the tank top and unhooked her bra. In a moment she’d pull it out and let it dangle by a strap from her finger before dropping it to the floor. 

Her breasts were full and round. The steam from the shower was making her tank top cling to her a bit. Her nipples poked out under the words ‘slut’ and ‘science’. Back in reality Ford gulped and began to vigorously jerk his hand back and forth along his shaft. 

She couldn’t just keep standing there. He had to kiss her! She’d come into the shower, still mostly clothed, and let the water soak her. Her shirt would be nearly transparent, her shorts tight against her ass. She’d press herself against Ford and rub her body up and down against his dick, leaving him moaning with pleasure. 

That was just the start. Next she’d take his face in her hands and tilt it slightly to give him a long, passionate kiss, the kind where their mouths would open and close again and again into a dozen smaller kisses because just one could never be enough. Her breasts were pressed against his chest with only a thin layer of fabric separating them. She’d take his hands and encourage him to give her breasts a nice, firm squeeze.

“Ah!” Ford’s voice hitched. He grabbed at the soap dish with his spare hand. His knees were starting to feel weak.

Knees.

Mika could be on her knees. Kneeling in front of him with a happy, wicked look on her face, staring at his cock like a cat preparing to pounce. 

“May I?” she’d ask, displaying her tongue more than necessary.

“ _Absolutely_ ,” Ford choked out. He’d seen that tongue attack ice cream before. He knew just how long it was and how agile. She wouldn’t disappoint.

And in his fantasy she certainly didn’t. She started with his balls, squeezing them gently but firmly, giving him a welcome sense of losing control. Next she moved her hand to his shaft, holding it steady as she licked up its full length. Her tongue danced around its circumference, leaving no millimeter unexplored.

Then, finally, her lips touched the head of his penis, pressed together just enough that the head had to force them apart as she descended. From there, well, a lot of this was extrapolation already, but Ford could imagine the moist, tender warmth of her mouth enveloping his cock. Her tongue pressed to the bottom of his shaft. Her teeth ever so slightly brushing him as she worked her head up and down, stimulating him as much as she could with her sweet tongue and lips.

She’d start slowly then move faster and faster, filling with an excitement to match Ford’s own. She’d moan. She’d shake. She’d clutch at her breasts and then reach her hand desperately into her shorts…

It was too much. Ford’s hand was starting to go numb from its enthusiastic pumping motions. The tip of his cock was too sensitive to touch. He was close, so close!

“AH! Ah! Aaaaaaah.” Finally the cum shot from his penis and a feeling of incredible relief came over Stanford. Everything felt perfect and tingling and glowing. He should have done this a long time ago. He’d certainly have to do it again.

Wait. Again?

All too soon his anxiety began to creep back. What had he been thinking?! How was he ever going to look Mika in the eye again after this? He hurried to dry off and get dressed, torn between embarrassment and lingering bliss. A cloud of steam came with him as he walked out the bathroom door.

“Hey, Mr. Grumpy! Are you feeling better now?”

Ford nearly choked on his spit when he saw Mika there, lying on her side across her bed. “Me? Better? Why would I be feeling better?”

She laughed. “You’re keeping secrets again, aren’t you?”

“NO! I mean, um, ah…” Oh lord, his face felt hot enough to melt. Thankfully, Mika waved it off.

“Don’t worry, I’m just teasing. I may be nosey, but bathroom time still seems like it deserves some privacy. Anyway, are you up for some breakfast?” She waved a hand toward two plates of breakfast food laid out in front of her. 

He smiled in relief. “Yes, that sounds lovely. Thank you.”

“No problem.” Mika picked up her plate and bit into a piece of toast. She spoke again before it was fully chewed, but somehow Ford didn’t mind. “So, I was looking at our schedule. It looks like we’ve got a free afternoon today. Want to play more DD&MD? I’d like to try and finish exploring the cave full of jelly I found last time. I think the prince has got to be at the end of it!”

For a long moment Ford stared at her. Where had this woman come from? How had she gone from being a thorn in his side to always filling him with a sense of peaceful happiness? He smiled again, more brightly than he had in a very long time.

“Sure. I think that would be fun.” 

He sat down and joined her for their strange breakfast in bed. Today at least, his questions could wait.


	24. Reinforcements

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Today: Ford**

They were on the same side of the booth.

It was a very distracting thought, making it difficult for Ford to focus on anything else. Of course, Ford’s focus had been a general problem lately. The cause of said problem was currently stealing his french fries. From the same side of the booth. 

Basically, Mika was sitting next to him for some reason and he both loved and hated her for it. Not that he felt _love_ for of course! It was just--ARGH!

“Cut that out!” Ford slapped Mika’s hand away from his fries before she could eat anymore and before his brain could tie itself in anymore knots. They had work to do. “Alright, Ms. Scientist. You were the one who wanted to research our next mission. What are we up against?” 

Mika proudly pulled out a folder but didn’t open it. “Actually there was something else I wanted to bring up first. Do you know where we are?”

“About midway through California?”

She nodded but didn’t stop grinning. Ford didn’t like it. Mika clearly had something up her sleeve. Ford rolled his eyes. “Alright, out with it. What’s so special about where we are?”

Mika’s grin widened. “Well, we happen to be not too far from a little town called Piedmont, which is the home of…..”

“REINFORCEMENTS!” yelled two loud voices from far too close behind him. 

Ford yelped and whirled to two children standing on their seat in the booth behind him. There was a boy wearing a brown hat with a star on it and a girl with remarkably long hair wearing a loose sweater. Both of them grinned at him widely, like they expected him to know who they were. Ford scrambled to try and recognize them. They _did_ look familiar, and there was a notable resemblance between them like they were siblings or even….

Twins. Of course. These had to be Shermie’s kids. The ones that his mother kept nagging him to visit. The ones that he hadn’t seen since shortly after their birth.

“Mika,” Ford said slowly, trying to remain calm, “what on Earth are my niece and nephew doing here?” 

 

**Today: Mabel**

The plan was coming along perfectly. After a few sneaky e-mails from Mika and an easy bus ride, Mabel and Dipper had been in the perfect position to surprise their favorite mystery uncle. Now he had a wide-eyed, owl-like look on his face that made it all worth it.

“We’re here to help you!” Mabel explained. “Mika said you two were nearby and Dipper and I jumped to join in the good fight.” She punched the air for emphasis.

“Yeah,” Dipper added enthusiastically. “We want to help you retrieve the next magical artifact and save Uncle Stan!”

Ford’s eyes went even wider and he turned to Mika accusingly. “Just how much did you tell them?”

“Not much, actually.” Mika shrugged. “These tykes have been fans of _Rig Your Roll_ since Stan and I started it. They actually wrote to _me_ once they figured out we were on the west coast.”

“I can’t believe we finally get to meet you!” Dipper exclaimed as he and Mabel walked around to sit on the other side of the table. “I’ve been researching the supernatural for years, but I never knew there was an actual paranormal researcher in the family! I got to listen to that episode where you cast an anti-gravity spell and it was _so_ amazing! I felt like I got lighter just hearing it! Which I was actually wondering about. Is it possible there was some residual effect of the spell through the recording or--”

Mabel muffled her brother with the sleeve of her sweater. She knew he was excited to trade nerd knowledge with Uncle Ford, but she’d been listening to Dipper’s magic theories for months now. Besides, she had questions of her own.

“So what are we after?” she asked. “Mermaid tears? Selkie skins? A trumpet that can raise the dead? I brought a whole suitcase full of disguises for our…” she paused dramatically, “deadly heist!”

Ford looked nervous at the word ‘deadly’ but Mika just laughed. Then she opened the folder on the table in front of her. The top paper was a picture of a pair of golden manacles. 

“This is the target,” Mika explained, “the Cuffs of Truth. Long ago they were used in court cases to make criminals confess to their crimes. Anyone who wears the cuffs is trapped in them for three hours and can only speak in complete truths.”

“Huh, I found a pair of dentures that did something like that once,” Ford commented.

“Oh.” Mika looked a bit put out. “Well, that makes these seem a lot less mysterious in comparison.”

“No, no! It’s still quite interesting. Please continue.”

Then, ever so briefly, Ford smiled at Mika and Mika smiled back at Ford. It was the sort of thing that an observer might have easily missed, if that observer were anyone other than Mabel Pines. As it was, Mabel held back a giddy grin and patiently listened to the rest of Mika’s information. 

“...so after the war they went missing for a while, until today.” She pulled out a brightly-colored pamphlet. “There’s a LARP festival being held this weekend and, for some reason, this year it’s being sponsored by some fancy rich family. They’re holding a contest that’s supposed to be the ‘Ultimate Magical Adventure!’ it includes some pretty fancy props, including these.” She pointed to a glossy photo on the pamphlet and everyone leaned forward to see a picture of some manacles that definitely looked a great deal like the Cuffs of Truth.

Dipper compared the two pictures closely and scratched his chin. “It definitely looks like a good lead, but how did you find out about this contest in the first place?”

“Bill and the Cipher’s Wheel have been giving us clues here and there. After that I mostly had to do some research online. It wasn’t that hard.”

The twins looked at each other and frowned. Something didn’t seem right about this.

“Not to knock your skills,” Dipper said, “but if the Wheelies already have so much information about the cuffs and the other items you’ve been going after, why aren’t they just going for all the stuff themselves?”

“We’ve been thinking about that,” Ford admitted. “Obviously there are things we must not know. It could be these are all objects that Bill’s followers can’t touch for whatever reason. Or perhaps Bill sees me as a sufficient enough threat to his plans that he’s keeping me away while he enacts his true plans. Maybe it’s a bit of both.”

“One thing we know for sure is that we can’t keep just playing to his tune much longer,” Mika added. “He has Stan and he wants to destroy the world. Bill may be double or triple bluffing us, but we’re already working to out-maneuver him ourselves. It...It’s going to be a pretty intense face-off if things go the way we’re expecting.”

Her words left Mabel and Dipper feeling cold and afraid. Just what had they gotten into? Still, they held hands under the table and put on serious expressions.

“What do you want us to do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short chapter this time, but it's a lead-up some big adventure! 
> 
> Once again, your reviews mean the world to me so any thoughts, comments, or critiques you have for me would immensely appreciated!
> 
> And if you're enjoying this story, I recommend another GF fic I'm writing called Weird Enough to Survive. It's a Reverse Falls fic so everyone is a bit creepy, but there's more going on than meets the eye...I guarantee you'll love it!
> 
> And, finally, if you'd like to get in touch with me and see an embarrassing of GF reblogs I'm on tumblr as comicgeekery.
> 
> See you again soon!


	25. Costumes and Cons

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

**Dipper**

It was quite possible that Dipper was dreaming right now.

He was on a quest to get a magical artifact as part of plan to stop a demon from destroying the world. He was with a genuine paranormal investigator (maybe even two, he wasn’t sure if Mika counted at this point). And, to top it all off, he was wearing a _cloak_. All in all, this was already shaping up to be the best day of his life. He just hoped he wouldn’t embarrass himself in front of Uncle Ford. A small part of Dipper (alright, a fairly large part) was worried he’d do something wrong and Uncle Ford would decide not to waste his time with them for another twelve years. 

They were all at the LARP festivals now where the first step of their plan had involved everyone getting into costumes. The festival staff literally wouldn’t let them in otherwise. Luckily Mabel had come prepared. She had a whole sack of Important Adventure Equipment that included cloaks and tunics and robes for everyone. 

While they were choosing their outfits Mabel was appalled to learn that she was the only one in the group who didn’t play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons.

“You mean I’m the only one here who isn’t a total nerd-face!” she gasped. “But Mika, you’re so cool! I thought I could count on you!”

Mika laughed. “Sorry Mabel, but it’s time you learned some hard facts of life: even cool people can be nerds. Now come on, let’s pick a class for you to dress as. I bet that would make things more fun for you.”

“I doubt it,” Mabel grumbled.

“Really? You don’t want to be able to...talk to animals?”

That, admittedly, did get Mabel’s attention. Soon they were all dressed as a different class. Dipper wanted to be a cleric or a paladin but Mabel hadn’t brought any armor and he didn’t want to be made fun of for being a healer. Instead he went as a rogue, which made sense with how small he was and it was always fun to sneak attack people. 

Mabel wore a dress with a bunch of leaves tied to it. She and Mika agreed it was all she needed to look like an amazing druid. 

Then it was Ford and Mika’s turn to pick their outfits. They exchanged knowing smirks, grabbed some garb, and went off to go change. As soon as they were out of sight Mabel punched Dipper’s arm excitedly. 

“Did you see that?” Mabel was grinning from ear to ear.

“See what? Uncle Ford and Mika picking their costumes?” Dipper rubbed his arm, which hurt more than he would have liked to admit. “It’s not that big a deal, Mabel.” Then he paused and an ominous feeling came over him. Oh, no. Mabel had seen two single people stand next to each other and be friendly. That could only mean one thing…

“They’re totally in love!” Mabel squealed. “Oh my gosh! This is so exciting! Dipper, if we play our cards right we’re going to get an aunt! And Mika is so cool! She’d be a great part of the Pines family! And then I bet she’d make sure that Uncle Ford and Uncle Stan would visit us _all the time_ because _she_ knows how awesome we are and she wouldn’t let them forget about us ever again!”

“That...would be nice,” Dipper admitted. “But I think you’re being overly optimistic. You’ve heard the podcast. A few months ago Mika and Uncle Ford hated each other. They’ve only barely started to get along. There’s no way they’ve fallen in love.”

“Pfft. Bro-bro, you’ve got to learn to _read between the lines_.” Mabel held her fingers to her eyes and darted her gaze back and forth. “Maybe they didn’t used to like each other, but that was just cause they were both so scared for Uncle Stan that they didn’t trust each other. Now they know that they’ve got each other’s backs and they have chem-is-try!” 

She crunched Dipper’s back in a crushing hug. “Now all they need is a little push from Mabel Pines: Matchmaker Extraordinaire!”

Dipper gulped. He had a very bad feeling about this. 

 

**Ford**

For someone who wasn’t a fan of gaming, Mabel really had brought a remarkable assortment of fantasy clothing for them all to wear. Ford made sure to thank her when he emerged a few minutes later in a long wizarding robe with a plastic amulet necklace down the front. He fully felt the part, save still needing an intimidating staff of some sort. 

Mika emerged a moment later wearing leggings and a long tunic held in place with a corset. She also carried a long, gnarled branch that she tossed in Ford’s direction. “Here you go! I thought you could use a walking stick as a prop. It’s great ‘cause you can also hit people with it!”

Ford caught the stick and grinned. “Sounds useful. But what about you? Shouldn’t you have an instrument or something?”

“Nonsense!” She smiled back at him and began to sing her words. “All I need is my melodious voice!”

Ford was careful to keep his face neutral, but the kids didn’t have the same tact. Dipper winced and Mabel exclaimed, “Wow! I bet your singing can hurt even worse than a stick! Great job!”

“Hmph.” Mika pouted. “See if I give _you_ +2 to attack and damage.”

“I don’t know what that means!”

He couldn’t help it. Ford laughed at that. Then Mabel looked at with her face lit up like he’d just cast dazzling lights. He’d never seen anyone so pleased to have made him happy. Maybe he should have made a point of visiting his niece and nephew a long time ago…

No. That line of thought would only put him on road to more guilty feelings. He had more than enough of that already, especially where his family was concerned. Instead he would stay positive and focus on the present. His niblings were here and they seemed ready to help him recover the latest artifact. That was all that mattered. Any family bonding that happened (which was likely what Mika had planned) would be entirely incidental. 

With that in mind, the four of them proceeded into the LARP. It consisted of two areas. One side was more like a renaissance fair, with numerous booths and games for people to participate in. On the other side there was a roped off patch of forest that went all the way up the side of mountain. According to the pamphlet, that was where the real role-playing would take place. 

There was a small stage next to the forest that a crowd was gathering around. Ford led the others to the back of the group so as not to be suspicious, then realized that Mabel and Dipper were too short to anything that was going on.

“Um,” Ford looked down at Dipper uncertainty. “Would you like to sit on my shoulders? Is that something that kids still do?”  
Dipper’s eyes went wide, as though he wasn’t used to being directly addressed. He breathed in and out several times before managing to say, “Yes, please!” and climb up Ford’s back. Mabel immediately followed suit and climbed onto Mika’s shoulders just as a man, woman, and young girl dressed as royalty appeared on the stage. 

“Welcome, everyone!” said the man. “I am Preston Northwest, the host of this day’s festivities.” He quirked an eyebrow and waited while the crowd got the idea that they were expected to cheer. 

“Thank you. Now, my family and I have carefully planned a, er, quest for you all: to retrieve and dispose of a certain pair of Cursed Gauntlets. You will do this by hunting through the forest in teams of two and uncovering the twelve sections of a map we have carefully hidden. Only then will the gauntlets’ location be revealed to you, along with your next instructions. The first team to complete the quest will be name the Festival Champions!”

That got a genuine cheer from the crowd. Ford had to admit, this was the sort of event he would be very excited to attend under less dire circumstances. He glanced at Mika. Was she excited too? 

To Ford’s surprise, she didn’t look especially excited or serious. Instead, her eyes were fixed on the young princess on the stage, a girl who couldn’t be much older than Mabel. The girl looked thoroughly bored, but Mika was watching her with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. It was an expression that reminded Ford of how Stanley used to look sometimes when they were teenagers.

It was a look that meant trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! Sorry for the short chapter again. I've been having a hard time writing through my depression lately and I decided that it was better to update a little bit more often than to take longer with bigger chapters. If you'd like to help perk me up and get my writing moving faster, reviews are always the way to go! Seriously, they make a huge difference in my life. Thank you to anyone who has shared their thoughts with me.
> 
> Anyway, some plans are coming into focus in this chapter as our leading ladies are both Up To Something. Mabel has lurve plans and Mika...has something else planned. Be sure to check out the next chapter which should, hopefully, be up next week!
> 
> In other news, do you like the Reverse Falls AU? Have you always _wanted_ to like the Reverse Falls AU? Now's your chance! Check out my new fic, Weird Enough to Survive! It features Mika and the whole Pines family back in Gravity Falls and doing weird, creepy, dangerous, and funny things. It has mysteries! Love! Questionable morality! Basically, something for the whole family. Give it a try!
> 
> As always, I am comicgeekery on tumblr as well. Feel free to follow me or ask any questions you might have about me or my writing!


	26. Mabel's First Rig

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

**Mabel**

The first step was divide into teams of two. That wasn’t hard. Ford and Mika agreed it would be best not to leave the kids alone and Dipper was already practically fused to Ford’s side, eager to spend hours exploring the forest, looking for pieces of a treasure map with his idol. Mabel wanted to spend some time with Ford too, but she could wait. She knew how much it meant to Dipper to get to hang out with an actual paranormal researcher. In any case, she was happy to stay with Mika, trying to ferret out just how likely a match between Mika and Ford really was. 

The teams lined up to go into the forest, with Dipper and Ford managing to get near the front of the line. Mabel moved to join them, but Mika held her back.

“So Mabel,” Mika asked with a sly tone, “have you ever wanted to be an accomplice?”

“Only since forever!” Mabel grinned and climbed her way down from Mika’s shoulders. “What did you have in mind? Who’s my mark?”

Mika pointed toward the stage, directly at the young princess still standing on it. “I just googled her. Her name is Pacifica Northwest, heir to one of the richest families in the country. She also looks bored out of her mind. If we can find the right motivation for her, I bet we can get her to tell us where the Cuffs of Truth are hidden without us needing to bother with the treasure map everyone else will be looking for.”

Mabel grinned. This was a rig! A genuine Rig Your Roll con job! And here Dipper thought that _he_ was getting the better deal! “Are you going to make an episode of your podcast about this?”

“Probably. It depends on you. I doubt Pacifica will trust some random adult, but a kid her age…”

“Right.” Mabel nodded, seeing where this was going. “I could get her to open up a bit and figure out a to trick her-”

“Or bribe her.”

“-into telling us where the cuffs are!”

“Exactly!” Mika patted her on the back. “Think you can handle it?”

“Pfft! _Of course!_.”

It turned out that was much easier said than done. After a few minutes of wishing the contestants luck Pacifica and the Northwests left the stage and retreated to a private tent. Mabel followed them and did her best to listen in on them from the outside. 

“I can’t believe we have to cater to these _pathetic_ fools like this. It’s so degrading!”

“Now, now dear. It will all be done in a few hours. Then we’ll never have to deal with those blasted truth-cuffs again!”

“Do you really think this will work, Dad? I mean, sure, these people are idiots but they--AAAAH! WHAT ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?!”

Mabel ran behind a barrel just Pacifica stomped out of her tent, dragging a young boy behind her. 

“What in the world are you doing here, Gideon?” Pacifica asked with unconcealed malice. “Just how many more times do I have to say I’m not interested in you before you take a hint?”

“Aw, sugarplum! I know we’re having a bit of a tiff, but there ain’t no need to crease your pretty little brows like that. I just wanted a quick moment with you to let you know I’m sure as heck going to win the competition today and thus get a whole wonderful day by your pretty side! Doesn’t that sound lovely?”

Gideon smiled broadly and somehow managed to understand Pacifica’s frozen look of horror and disgust in the slightest. Instead he patted her head and headed off towards the forest entrance, humming as he went. Pacifica let out a howl of frustration as soon as he was gone. 

It didn’t take long for Mabel to do the math. She grinned and sidled up to Pacifica’s side. “So...How would you like to make sure that someone _else_ wins the contest today?”

Soon Mabel and Mika were laughing their way up the mountainside, on their way to the exact location of the Cuffs of Truth.

“I can’t believe how easy that was!” Mabel exclaimed. “The rigging lifestyle really is the way to go!”

“I’ve never known a better way of desperately conning people,” Mika agreed. She paused for a moment to retrieve her cell phone. “Hold on. I should text Ford so he knows how to find us and he doesn’t waste time on those map pieces.” She sent the message and smiled at Mabel. “You really did a great job, Mabel. I’ve got a really good feeling about this mission now.”

The praise filled Mabel with a warm delight. Mika was one of the coolest people she’d ever met, so compliments from her really meant something. There was also a second feeling. At the mention of the mission, Mabel remembered she had a second goal today. Now was her chance to put that plan into action!

“So...Speaking of feelings,” Mabel said coyly, “you and Uncle Ford seem to be getting along better lately. Are you buddies now? Or maybe...something _more_?”

Mabel knew she’d hit a button when Mika froze. It was just for a second, but that was all Mabel: the Love Bloodhound needed to know that something was up. Now she just had to reel her in. 

Mika laughed. “Dipper did mention you’ve been on a match-making kick. Am I your latest victim? I’m surprised you’re not trying to pair me off with Stan. Most of the world does.”

“Nah, that’s a common misconception about the match-making way of life. I remember what you and Stan are like together. You’re good for each other. You boost each other up. But that’s not the same thing as having the pizzaz of true love!”

“And you think that’s what I have with Ford?”

“I dunno,” Mabel leaned in and clung to Mika’s arm. “You tell me! What’s been the emotional journey of Stanford Pines and Mika Susan?”

It took Mika a long moment to reply. Finally, she let out a large sigh. “Listen Mabel, Ford is...different than I first expected. It’s not my story to tell, but he hurt Stan pretty badly when they were kids and then...well there was a lot of other stuff too. I planned to hate him forever for what he did to my best friend.”

That raised a lot of questions in Mabel’s mind, but she was determined to not get distracted. “So, what happened? You don’t hate him anymore do you?”

“Heh, no,” Mika admitted. “I...I had some issues with him early on, but it was hard to hate him once we actually met. I think it’s hard to really hate anyone once you see them as a real person instead of just an idea.” She paused and swallowed a few times like there was something as hard as a stone in her throat that she was having trouble getting out.

“The truth is...it wasn’t just about Stan. I was...jealous. I was jealous of Ford.” Mika let out a long breath that sounded as relieved as it did stressed. Mabel wondered how long she’d been holding that thought in. 

Mika continued, faster now that she’d gotten past the hard part. “Maybe he didn’t get into his dream school, but he’s done so many amazing things anyway. He earned 12 PhDs. He invented a mind-control tie. He discovered magic! He’s done everything I’ve ever dreamed of a thousand times over and even if I’d had every opportunity in the world I never would have come close to his level!”

Mabel bit her lip. This wasn’t the romantic sort of confession that she’d been expecting. In fact, this sounded more like the sort of uncomfortable confession she sometimes heard between her parents when she snuck out of her room to hear them talking late at night. It was the sort of talk where grown ups admitted that the world wasn’t perfect and that even adults can feel small and scared sometimes. Mabel didn’t like it. It hurt, because when a grown-up feels hopeless, really hopeless, that meant that maybe there weren’t any answers after all. That was the scariest thought of all.

“You don’t have to be sad though!” Mabel said, doing her best to sound perky. “From what I’ve heard, Uncle Ford is smarter than _everybody_. And you’re really great at other stuff! You make people laugh. You put together awesome escape rooms. And you do a whole show about great ways to manipulate people! Boy, Uncle Ford sure would be lucky to be with someone like you!”

Mika snorted. It didn’t sound nice. “Yeah, I’m sure he’d love a Watson to his Sherlock, someone to stare at him in awe while he makes _another_ great discovery. Well, Ford may be nicer than I thought he was, but he has no reason to ever see me as more than a sidekick. That’s not what I’m looking for. I need a partner.”

Then, to Mabel’s shock, Mika started to cry. She gasped out words in-between sobs. “And sure, maybe he is kind and funny and the most interesting person I’ve ever met. But I’m never going to be worth his time. Not as an equal. I’m the one who’ll get the DD&MD rules wrong. I’m the one who won’t understand interdimensional travel! I’m, oh God, I’m the one sobbing about all this to a _child_!”

“I-it’s okay!” Mabel said quickly before giving Mika a tight hug. “Love is a complicated emotion!”

Mika pushed Mabel back and wiped at her eyes. “No. You don’t understand. I forgot to take my medicine this morning. My depression is acting up. I’m sorry. I never wanted you to see me this way. Y’know, with my crazy showing.”

“You’re not crazy!” Mabel exclaimed. Mika only looked at her sceptically so Mabel took a deep breath and went on. “Dipper and I always listen to your show, you know. I think sometimes you and Uncle Stan forget about that. I heard the episode where you talked about your depression and how hard it is for you. And...I don’t think you’re crazy, Mika. I think you’re really brave. You keep going and you keep trying and I think that makes you the bravest person I know.”

She rubbed her toe into the ground, feeling suddenly sheepish. “You don’t really have to get together with Uncle Ford if you don’t want to, but I want you to know, he really _would_ be lucky to have you. Even if you’ll never be as smart as he is, or at least in the ways he is, you’re already smart enough that you make the lives of everyone you know better. That’s why I’m so happy to know you. Heck, it’s why my whole family loves you!”

“...Oh, Mabel.”

When Mabel looked up Mika was crying again, but this time she had a smile on her face. A few minutes later, when the boys finally found them, the two were enjoying the tightest of hugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many feelings in this chapter! Don't worry though, it's impossible to stay sad in the face of the Power of Mabel!
> 
> As always, reviews mean the world to me and I'm happy to hear any thoughts you might have on my story. Thank you!
> 
> Also, don't be a afraid to contact me at comicgeekery on tumblr! See you next time!


	27. Truth-Ups

**Chapter 27**

**Dipper**

So this was what it was like to be living a dream come true. Dipper and his Uncle Ford were wandering the woods looking for clues to the location of the Cuffs of Truth. It was the most amazing thing the twelve-year-old had ever experienced.   
Dipper couldn’t contain himself. He blurted out, “I can’t believe I’ve finally gotten to meet a real paranormal researcher!”

At first Uncle Ford looked surprised. Then he flushed and puffed out his chest a bit. “I’m guessing that you have an interest in anomalies, then?”

He looked so sincere! He wasn’t mocking or humoring Dipper at all! Dipper had to suppress a squeal of delight. “I’ve been studying the paranormal for years! I’ve never found any confirmed evidence though.” Dipper paused, thinking of his experience at Uncle Stan and Mika’s escape room. “Have you ever met a ghost?”

Uncle Ford grinned, looking very pleased with himself. “I spent a whole night in a haunted house once. I met all manner of spectral beings.”

Dipper’s jaw dropped. “Do they really have telekinetic abilities? Did you get possessed? Were you able to take any ectoplasmic samples?”

“Well, it depends on the type of ghost you’re dealing with. The different kinds have different abilities. Though I admit I’ve never been possessed...by a ghost. I did have one give me nightmares. It had to do with my hands and Stanley and…” Ford paused, looking a bit self-conscious. “Let’s just say it all ended with a terrible pun.”

“That’s amazing!” Dipper exclaimed. Suddenly he felt a burst of anxiety. This was important. He had to ask the right questions so he could impress his fantastic and mysterious uncle. He felt his expression go flat. “Do you think ghosts confirm the existence of an afterlife? Do they validate Judeo-Christian beliefs or should I change my religion?”

Strangely, instead of looking pleased, Uncle Ford went a bit pale and pulled at his collar. “Well...That is...Um...So! How’s your, um, whole life been? Do you get along well with your sister?”

Well, that was still something worth talking about. In fact, Dipper had noticed Uncle Ford watching him and Mabel for a while now. Did he maybe have his own twin on his mind right now? It seemed to be a touchy subject for both of his uncles, so Dipper didn’t ask. Not directly anyway.

“Oh, yeah!” Dipper said. “Mabel’s been getting pretty boy-crazy lately and she’s not always interested in going on ghost hunts with me, but she’s still my best friend. I can’t picture what my life would be like without her.” He stared at Uncle Ford pointedly. “Uncle Stan said we were like peas in a pod.” Another pointed pause. “Uncle Stan said it was good we were so close. He thinks twins need to stick together. What do _you_ think, Uncle Ford?”

Silence stretched awkwardly between them for a moment. Uncle Ford had the oddest look on his face, like he was both trying to speak and keep himself from speaking. The moment was suddenly interrupted when a chime sounded from Uncle Ford’s cell phone. Uncle Ford scrambled to get it out of his pocket.

“Hey, look! A distraction!” he said happily. “Oh. It’s a text from Mika. She says she knows where the cuffs are so we won’t need to wander the woods for clues anymore. Oh well, I should have known she’d find a way to get to the heart of the issue. Mika’s good at that.”

Dipper smiled, glad that they were one step closer to achieving their goal. “That’s great. It sounds like you really like her.” He didn’t even think about what that statement implied. Uncle Ford didn’t have that luxury. 

**Ford**

_Mika._

The name brought forth a lot of emotions these days. Usually Ford was able to keep those feelings on the inside. Today though... 

“Like her? She’s the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met! I--” Ford hastily slapped his hands over his mouth. What was he saying? Sure, Mika was funny, smart, charming, beautiful, and interesting. Sure, he’d been having, er, _fantasties_ about her lately. But that didn’t mean…

Oh dear. It did, didn’t it?

Ford cleared his throat and did his best to clear his head. “Come on, Dipper. We have to hurry.”

They found the girls quickly in midst of a tight hug. Ford got the sense that something significant had just happened, but he didn’t want to pry, especially since feelings were such a delicate subject at the moment. Instead he got down to business.

“Are the cuffs nearby?” he asked Mika.

Mika stood and whipped at her eyes. “Um. No. They should still be about a mile away up the mountain.”

Ford bit his lip. This wasn’t right. “Something’s wrong. Have you noticed yourself being more honest than usual recently?”

She hesitated. “Well, I--”

Suddenly Mabel jumped forward. “Mika didn’t take her drugs today and it made her really sad!” Just as suddenly, Mabel recoiled in horror. “I didn’t mean to say that! I swear, it was an accident!”

That didn’t seem to help Mika at all. She turned a bright shade of red and couldn’t look any of them in the eye. Ford winced sympathetically. He knew all too well what it was like to have one’s vulnerabilities on display.

“It’s alright, Mabel,” he said. “It’s not your fault. I suspect the Cuffs of Truth are to blame. They must have a wider range of effect than we realized.”

Then Dipper spoke like words were erupting from him. “I think you look super cool in those wizard robes and I really want you to like me!”

Everyone stared at him. Dipper took a step backwards and lifted Mabel’s hair to hide behind, the closest he could get to straight up disappearing.

“Oh, dear,” Mika said. “This could get awkward.”

**Mabel**

Mabel was soon a nervous wreck. The higher they climbed the mountain, the more everyone suffered from what she liked to call truth-ups, which were like like hiccups except…

“Hic! I’m the one who ruined your teddy bear sweater!” Dipper suddenly cried out to her. “I spilled some juice and then used your sweater to mop it up. I didn’t realize the juice wouldn’t wash out!”

He cringed as soon as he finished speaking, but Mabel tried to forgive his confession. After all…

“Hic! I’m the one who deleted your recordings of Mysterious Mysteries! I wanted more room for Super Tiny Horses: Friendship is a Choking Hazard!”

“Hic! Sometimes I ask you to draw things because it makes you stop talking!”

“Hic! I haven’t brushed my teeth in three days!”

...there were a lot of them going around.

The real trouble was, there was one thing running through Mabel’s mind that she was trying to suppress with all her strength: her mighty romantic machinations for Mika and Ford! She was maybe 98% sure that they liked each other, especially after that tearful confession from Mika. (Mabel would _definitely_ be writing about that in her Diary of Drama.)

The thing was, you couldn’t just _tell_ people they were in love. It never worked that way. Then people would act like magnets facing the wrong direction and fly away from each other instead of smacking together like they were supposed to. No, this called for some subtlety.

In fact, it called for a rig!

**Ford**

He was going to be sick. There were too many secrets, too many past shames, bubbling up inside him and hammering away at the inside of his teeth. He could barely hold them all in. But he had to. He had to for his own sake and for the children. He’d barely had a chance to know them and he already couldn’t stand the thought of either of them, especially Dipper, looking at him with disappointment over all the ways he’d failed throughout the years. It was bad enough that Stanley, Fiddleford, and Mika had already suffered so much because of Ford’s foolish decision to trust Bill.

All that considered, it caused a bit of mental whiplash when Mabel suddenly asked, “Have you ever dated anyone, Uncle Ford?” 

At first Ford didn’t know what to say. Unfortunately, that was just the opening the truth-ups needed. “Hic! No, I’ve been single all my life. I gave up on dating because it was too embarrassing to keep failing.”

The silence that followed was painful. Mabel went pale and whispered, “I have made a terrible mistake. There is only one option: keep digging!” She looked around at the group. “Mika! What’s your most embarrassing secret?”

“I once spent a year only dating men and women who looked liked my favorite cartoon characters as a means of coping with a messy break-up.” Mika glanced at Ford. “I’ve also had a dozen different lovers in the last two years. I broke up with all of them for being boring. I’m kind of shallow like that.”

Ford blushed furiously. He was both curious and wanted to know nothing more about Mika’s past love affairs. It also wasn’t very appropriate for the kids to hear, although they had quickly covered their ears as soon as she said the word ‘lovers’.

“I...I don’t think that’s shallow,” Ford said hesitatingly. “You deserve to be with someone who makes you excited and interested.” He managed to glance at her for just an instant before averting his eyes again. “If that’s what you want, that is.”

All of a sudden, Ford was overwhelmingly aware of something. Mika was looking at him. She was _looking_ at him! Her glance was...nervous? Pitying? Something else? Whatever it was, that look was engrossing, like they had never met eyes before this very moment. It made Ford feel strangely uplifted and even brave. Maybe this was the perfect time to be reckless.

“Mika, do you think...That is, do you…”

“Uncle Ford, look out!” Dipper suddenly cried.

Ford moved just in time to avoid being trampled by a horse. The horse reared again and Mika and Ford grabbed each other and the kids to keep them safe.

Mika yelled up to the horse’s rider. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Whoops!” said an all-too-cheerful voice. “Sorry if I’m interrupting something, but I’m afraid I need to get by. You see, the Cuffs of Truth belong to lil’ ol’ me!” And with that, Gideon Gleeful held up the cuffs in triumph.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait folks! But the next chapter is already written so it shouldn't be as long of a wait this time. See you soon!


	28. A Ship Sets Sail

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

**Ford**

Mabel gasped at the rider in recognition. “You’re the creepy kid who was hiding in Pacifica’s tent!”

“And you’re the one standing between me and my true love!” cried Gideon. 

“My true love and me,” Ford corrected with a notable twitch under his eye.

“What was that?” Gideon frowned.

Ford stepped forward. “I’ve had to deal with a lot in the last few months. My brother was kidnapped. I was attacked by owls, a werewolf, and a _dragon_. I’ve had to face my inner demons a thousand times over. I even had to work in _retail_. I am _not_ going to be outwitted by some delusional kid with poor grammar!”

Ford pushed Gideon out of his saddle, yanking the Cuffs of Truth from him in the process. “Now get out of here and stop wasting my time!”

Gideon was at a loss for words. “But...But my darlin’ Pacifica!”

Then it was Mabel’s turn. “Sorry, Gideon, but you need to face a cold, hard truth.” She reached up and touched the cuffs in Ford’s hand. “Pacifica doesn’t like you and winning some dumb contest isn’t going to change her mind!”

“What! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Mika raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Okay, this is just a hunch, but I’ve been able to google a lot about the Northwest family. They’re filthy rich and notorious for doing anything to stay that way. Why do _you_ think they’d just give away a powerful magical object?” 

Gideon hesitated, but the force of the cuffs was too powerful to resist at such range. “It’s ‘cause they need someone else to destroy it before the cuffs can expose anymore of their horrible lies!” He looked aghast at what he’d just said. “But Pacifica isn’t like that! Not really! She just needs someone to save her!”

“Maybe.” Mika shrugged. “But you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved, kid. If you really want to know if she likes you, the best thing you can do is back off a bit and see if she comes to _you_. It’s that or you’ll just keep clinging to your optimistic lies until she sets a tiger on you or something. I guess it comes down to how much the truth really matters to you.”

“The truth…” Gideon considered Mika’s words as he slowly climbed back into his sadel. Finally he looked her in the eye. “The truth is I don’t care if you’re right! I’m going to take those cuffs and AAAAAAAAAAH!”

Ford had heard enough. He’d stepped forward and slapped the horse’s flank, sending it galloping back down the trail. Everyone laughed as Gideon’s screams echoed down the mountainside.

Ford smiled at Mika. “That was a good speech. I can’t believe I heard the whole thing without telling you I love you!”

Immediately Ford’s eyes bulged and he covered his mouth in horror. Dipper gasped. Mabel squealed. And Mika...Mika just stared.

“We, um, we should get these cuffs to the car before they cause anymore trouble,” she said with a slight crack in her voice.

No one moved.

“Oh, boy. I guess I’m doing this, aren’t I?” Mika muttered to herself.

“Wait! No.” Ford stepped forward and put a hand on Mika’s shoulder. This was going to be one of the hardest things he’d ever done. “You...You don’t have to say anything. I understand if you don’t feel the way I do. I’m sorry for imposing my feelings on you just now. You don’t have to tell me how you feel.”

She stared back at him with an expression he couldn’t read. Then she gently took the Cuffs of Truth from him. “Actually, I kind of do.”

Mika took a deep breath. “Feelings. Feelings are complicated. We’re fighting to save Stan and maybe even the world. We’ve been trapped in a car together for months now. We’re both such flawed people who have made a lot of mistakes. I could make a bunch of points about your feelings being forced or faked or misguided…”

Ford bit his lip to stop himself from arguing. His stomach was tying itself in knots. Then Mika looked him right in the eyes. 

“But the real truth?” she said. “It’s that I want to forget all that and skip to the part where I’m kissing you.”

She smiled. Her face was nervous and beautiful. “I love you too, Ford.”

Later it was hard to remember exactly how it happened. He moved forward. She took his face in her hands. They tilted their heads. Then Ford closed his eyes and felt Mika’s lips, both soft and firm, on his own. 

It was...How could he even begin to describe it? He was soaring over a cliff. His heart was a waterfall and he’d dived to the base of it, entangled with the woman of his dreams. It was a reminder that the world could be perfect.

_Stanley was trapped by a demonic maniac who wanted to end the world. Bill could kill him at any moment._

The thought turned the waterfall into ice.

He didn’t know if it was wrong, but he didn’t stop kissing Mika. She’d shown him that feelings could be complicated. He decided to let them be.

So they kissed and kissed again to the whooping encouragement of Mabel and Dipper. Eventually they broke apart, blushing and smiling, and silently agreed that they needed some time alone together soon.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

_“So, really?”_

_“Yes, really!”_

_“For how long?”_

_“It feels like it’s been forever. A few weeks, maybe? I saw you laugh one day and just…”_

_“Yeah. I understand. You’re beautiful, you know. Heh. Especially when you blush like that.”_

_“T-Thanks. Um. Could you…”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Anything. Yes.”_

_“It’s a bit silly.”_

_“I don’t care.”_

_“Will you...hold my hand? Just for the rest of the walk?”_

_“You know what?”_

_“What?”_

_“I’d love to.”_

_“Thank you. Just, thank you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! 
> 
> Hey, guess what? I finally got those two knuckleheads together! It only took nearly 200 pages! Now they just have to worry about....well, everything I guess!
> 
> Next up: What do you think Stan's probably up to?
> 
> And, btw, I always appreciate reviews but I'd especially love them in this chapter. Writing Mika/Ford was kind of the original point of this story and I'd really love to hear your thoughts on how I did! Thank you!


	29. First Time (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is a smut chapter! You may safely skip it if you just want to get back to the story!

**The First Time**

After all his fantasies, Ford would have thought he’d dive in without hesitation on having a chance for actual, er, _intimacies_ with Mika. Beautiful, sweaty, silky, breathless intimacies. 

Instead, now that such possibilities were a reality, there were, well, hesitations. 

They’d kissed. Oh _God_ had they kissed. They’d kissed long and hard and quickly and sweetly and just about every other adverb there was they’d had a kiss for. Stanford was delirious with delight over them. 

There had been some other things too. They shared a bed at night now and cuddled closely in a number of positions that left Ford’s arms numb, but he didn’t care. The best part was that Mika had made it clear early on that she wanted her breasts touched eagerly and often, a service that that Ford was more than happy to provide.

(He had a few coded notes in his journal on the subject. Breasts might just be common mammary tissue, but Ford’s fixation on Mika’s chest had not lessened in the slightest since he’d gotten permission to grope and caress it to his heart’s content. If anything, he was even more obsessed. He’d spend the whole night with a breast in each hand if he could.)

What left him hesitant now was the idea of pushing things forward, of asking Mika to caress him back and even, if he dared, seeing if they couldn’t lose a few layers of clothing along the way. He blushed fiercely just to think of it. He’d probably be a terrible lover, he was so inexperienced. Mika, on the other hand, made no secret of the casual and serious love affairs she’d had in the past.

One day they were watching a movie in their hotel room when a character made a joke about a three-way. Mika rolled her eyes.

“Threesomes always seem to be a straight guy’s dream. Honestly, they’re really overrated. It’s always either one person getting left out or too much stress from doing too many things at once.”

Ford looked away, turning bright red. “Oh. Indeed.” Then he felt her touch his hand.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” she said. “I’m used to being pretty blunt about sex things. I guess it’s not really appropriate to talk about my past so flippantly now that we’re together.”

 _Together_. It was still such a beautiful word. 

“Oh, no. It’s fine.” Ford smiled nervously and scratched at the back of his head. “I’m fine. I, er, I can handle a bit of flippancy. I just…”

He trailed off. She was watching him. She was so beautiful. 

“Please,” he said. “Please kiss me.”

Mika blinked in surprise, but she didn’t hesitate. She leaned forward and brushed her lips lightly against his. Then she kissed him again. And again. She was five kisses in before Ford surfaced enough from his delirious bliss to wrap his arms around her and start kissing back.

He pressed her close to his chest and together they fell back side by side onto the hotel bed. Mika began to kiss him harder. She flicked her tongue against his lips until he opened his mouth and gladly let their tongues entangle. Ford reached one arm back between them and took hold of Mika’s right breast, squeezing it tightly. She moaned into his mouth and Ford practically melted at the vibrations of it.

Then the hesitations came back. This was as far as they gone at this point. (‘As far as they had gone’. Good grief, it sounded like something a teenager would say.) He wanted more. He wanted so much more. But what exactly? What did he even want to do? And how would he go about asking for it? The questions seemed insurmountable. Would dying as a virgin really be all that bad?

Suddenly Mika did something new. She moved down from his mouth and began to plant kisses and nibbles along his neck. 

“Ah!” Ford gasped in surprise and pleasure. “Yes! Oh, please, yes!”

Mika rolled Ford onto his back and smirked fondly down at him while stroking a hand down his cheek. “Please? Please what?”

Oh, dear. “I...I don’t know,” Ford spluttered. “I’m sorry, Mika. I have no idea what I’m doing!”

She stroked his cheek again, this time her expression was tender. “It’s okay, Ford. I kind of figured this stuff might be new for you.”

Ford blushed. Of course she’d known. “I’m sorry I probably won’t be as exciting as a, a, an elaborate threesome of furries or whatever. I--” He stopped. Mika was staring at him in disbelief. 

“Ford...of course you won’t be like other sex I’ve had. I guarantee, no matter what, you’re going to be so much better! Because...Because it’s _you_.” She looked away bashfully. “That is, if sex is something you’d like to do. We don’t have to if you’re not interested or not ready.”

Not interested? “No, no, no! I am interested! I am _very_ interested!” His face was bright, bright red, but Ford was suddenly very concerned that they not have a miscommunication at what was turning into a unexpectedly important juncture. 

Mika smiled brightly and giggled. It was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. “Alright, so, are you not ready to sleep with me…” She watched his expression closely. “...or is it that you want to and you’re just too scared to take the initiative?”

“Yes. That one. Definitely that last one.” Ford nodded vigorously for emphasis. He didn’t care how silly he looked or how unsexy the conversation might be getting. He was just so grateful to finally be getting the damn _problem_ across!

“Hmmm…” Mika murmured thoughtfully and returned to kissing and nibbling at Stanford’s neck. That was enough to make him breathe heavily again. It got even better when she began to stroke at his chest too. It was just a gentle, absent touch, but still Ford nearly swore when she brushed above his nipple. He had never before been so delighted at being putty in someone’s hands.

“I think...we have a bit...of a dilemma,” Mika said between kisses.

Ford tried to focus on what she was saying. “We...We do?”

“Mmm-hmm. You see, I suspect we’re both pretty eager to move things along, but I can’t do anything about that if you aren’t able to tell me what you want, what you’re okay with.”

“I think I’d be okay with anything!” Ford said breathlessly. Oh, sweet merciful science. She had her hand on his hip now. She was pulling them closer together, loosely running her outer leg up and down his. There was no way she couldn’t feel his notable erection at this distance. What was she thinking? Did she like it? Was he turning her on anywhere near as much as she was affecting him?

He needed to be bold. She was giving every signal that she wanted him. He could do this! Following Mika’s lead, Ford caught Mika’s lips in a kiss and then moved down to the soft, smooth skin of her neck. At the same time, he traced his hand down her back. When he reached the bottom he wriggled his fingers beneath the hem of her shirt and lightly scratched up the surface of her back.

He thrilled at the new expanse of exposed flesh, but not nearly as much as Mika thrilled at the new contact. She gasped and grinded against him, looking visibly more flushed. “That’s wonderful, Ford. I love the way it feels when you touch me.”

Well. That certainly made him feel like the manliest man on the planet. Forget throwing punches and eating raw steak. True masculinity was making your partner shudder in delight at your touch. Maybe he would write a journal entry on the theory. Later though. Definitely later.

“Is it okay if I take my shirt off?” Mika asked carefully. He could still hear the caution in her tone and he loved her all the more for it. She was so experienced and yet she was being so slow and gentle for _him_. 

It almost felt like a game, the way they went back and forth from there. They took turns asking questions, sometimes aloud and sometimes just with their eyes. The answer was almost always a yes, though Ford was relieved when between them they both found that ‘no’ was also a valid response. It turned out that Mika didn’t enjoy having her lip bitten. Ford didn’t care for being scratched. It made every kiss feel that much more intimate, each knowing it was exactly what the other wanted. It made Ford breathe easier. He was safe. This was right. Everything was perfect.

After Mika’s shirt was off Ford dived immediately for her cleavage. He kissed and stroked and nuzzled his face between them. It was a life-long fantasy come true! Soon he reached around the band of her bra. Just where did the blasted thing unhook? Ah. There it was. Ford was careful to feel the thing’s dimensions before he tried to unhook it. He’d heard far too many stories of men fumbling for minutes at a time to undo a simple hooking mechanism. He wanted to get it right on the first try. 

A moment later the bra’s cups fell away and it was wondrous. Mika, his _girlfriend_ , was lying there, half-naked under him. She was smiling, but also blushing. Her eyes kept flicking up to his and then back away again.

“You know,” she said, “it’s only fair if you take off your shirt too…”

Ford needed no further urging. In an instant he pulled off his sweater vest and fumbled to get his shirt buttons undone as quickly as possible. He was halfway through the process before he realized something that had eluded him before: being naked with Mika meant Mika _seeing_ him naked. She’d see every mole, every pimple, every hair, and every roll of fat. What if she didn’t find him nearly so attractive once she saw what he really looked like?

His hands kept working as he thought. Soon his shirt was completely unbuttoned. His chest was partially covered in curling hair, running down over a slightly rounded stomach to his navel. He glanced at Mika, hoping she wasn’t disappointed by his lack of defined musculature.

“So, um, what do you think?” Ford was prepared for many answers, but certainly not the one he got.

She was staring at him, boldly, brazenly, with a look of complete awe on her face. “Stanford...you’re _beautiful_.” And she pulled him close and kissed him, pressing her breasts to his bare skin, leaving him moaning and speechless. 

Things were easier after that. Ford felt himself go into some sort of a haze. He began to move more by instinct. He took one of Mika’s breasts and put her nipple in his mouth, sucking at it tenderly. Mika breathed heavily and wrapped her legs around Ford’s waist, grinding her crotch up against his. 

Ford took the lead from there. He had the hardest erection he could remember and a whole lot of drive to do something with it. He pushed Mika down onto the bed and began grinding into her over and over, feeling a beautiful warmth spread between her legs. She began to gasp and call out his name again and again.

This was it, he realized. He wanted this. He wanted _her_ right here and now. He wanted to do everything to her and leave her collapsed in her own ecstasy. He didn’t know if he was up to the task, but he was damn sure going to try.

He traced one hand along her inner thigh and Mika shivered. “Mika?”

“Yes?” Her smile was downright giddy.

“Can I finger you?”

She was speechless, but only for a second. “... _Absolutely._ ”

Their hands fumbled. One of them undid her pants. It was hard to keep track of who. They were still kissing so much; mouths, necks, chests. Finally the jeans were loose around Mika’s hips and Ford’s hand slipped inside.

It was strange and it was beautiful. On one level Ford couldn’t help labeling the various body parts as he encountered them. The vulva, the labia, the clitoris. On another level, he could barely think. He could hardly believe this was really happening. He felt like he was dreaming and the only thing pinning him down to reality was the series of beautiful noises rising through Mika and gasping out of her throat.

“Oh God, yes! Right there! Keep going. Harder!” Soon she was writhing against him, clearly barely able to control herself. She was breathing so hard! It was amazing. Ford had never seen Mika so undone before. Now that he had, Ford wanted to remember the sweaty, sexy look on her face for the rest of his life.

“Go in me, Ford. Please,” Mika gasped. She looked at him with a face that was flushed and pleading. Ford stared. She was completely overcome with lust. For _him_. He couldn’t have said no to that face in a million years. 

“O-Of course!” he stammered through a wide grin. “It’s just, er, your pants. They’re a little in the wa--”

He wasn’t even finished with the sentence before Mika was kicking off her jeans and underwear. She looked like she wanted to get right back into the position she’d been in, but then she paused. She looked down at her naked body. “I guess you’ll probably want to take a look at me. Well, um, tada?”

For the first time Mika looked nervous. Ford had no idea why. Yes, she had some stretch marks, some hair, and some cellulite. She was also the most perfect human Stanford had ever seen. 

He took her hand and led her back onto the bed. “I can’t believe how lucky I am. To be here like this, with you. It’s more than anything I could have dreamed.”

Mika blushed and hugged him. “I never would have thought we’d be here like this either. You. You make me so happy. You make me laugh. You encourage my intellect. You respect me and care about me so much. When we first met I never thought it would be possible for you to do anything but look down on me. I can’t believe you came to like me as much as I liked you. I can’t believe we fell in love.”

Ford let out a little laugh. He didn’t think he’d ever been so happy in his entire life. She loved him. _She loved him._ If every hurdle life had thrown his way had led up to this then maybe, just maybe, it was all worth it.

“I love you too,” was all he managed to say in return. He ran a hand down one cheek and cupped her face in his hand.

Mika smiled back. “Good. Now, don’t you have some work to do?” She took his hand and sucked on two of the fingers, suggestively and hard. It was one of the hottest things Ford had ever seen. He didn’t waste any time plunging his longest finger into her vagina. He was surprised at how easy it was. She was soaked. Wetter than he’d ever imagined a woman could get. He felt a burst of pride to realize he was the one doing this to her.

He pounded his finger in and out of her, leaving Mika moaning and gasping. After a few minutes he added a second finger and her moans grew even louder. In fact, Ford would have been nervous about the neighbors hearing her if her sounds of pleasure weren’t also muffled by the fingers of his other hand that were still in her mouth. It occurred to him then that the very fingers he’d been so self-conscious about all his life were penetrating the woman he loved twice-over. It left Ford feeling overwhelmed and giddy. He moved his fingers even faster and Mika arched her spine in joy.

This wasn’t enough. He wanted to give her more, to send her over the top. Did he dare try to advance things even further? Slowly he removed both his hands despite Mika’s disappointed whimpers. He gave her a kiss and then began to work his way down her body with little pecks, licks, and nibbles. Finally he was hovering just above her pelvis, biting his lip, breathing nervously, and watching Mika.

She looked surprised. “Really? You want to…”

He nodded vigorously.

She laughed. “You really are an ambitious researcher, aren’t you? Well, I’m not going to stand in the way of science!” 

Ford could practically feel his heart stop as she spread her legs for him. She looked so nervous, but also so excited. Basically, she seemed to feel the same as Ford did. He dived down. She was right. He was _very_ eager to explore new territory. 

Oral sex was...Well, it was something that Ford had both barely dared to dream of and fetishized extensively. The idea of a woman letting him be so close and intimate with her, letting him explore the most private and tender region of her body with his tongue was a fantasy that frequently left him moaning into the night. To actually experience it...it felt like nothing short of a miracle. 

Mika had a taste that was musky and acidic, though he would also call it sweet. He swept his tongue up and down the folds of her vulva before settling down around her clit. Luckily Mika was a very vocal partner and she made it quite clear when he was doing something that she liked.

At first she let out squeaks and sighs of pleasure. Then Ford noticed something new. She was breathing sporadically, as though holding her breath as long as she could. Her body was growing tense. She reached down a hand and gripped Ford’s hair tightly.

“D-Don’t you dare stop,” she pleaded.

He didn’t. He wouldn’t have stopped for the world. Instead he put a finger inside her and kept licking with wild determination. 

A few minutes later it happened. Ford felt Mika’s body convulse against his face and she let out a choked cry like he’d never heard before. He grinned and looked up.

“Did you just--”

“Keep. Going!” Mika growled. Ford chuckled and went back to work, stimulating her through several more shuddering waves. Finally Mika collapsed back against the bed, panting with relief, and Ford knew he was done for the moment.

In his pants, Ford’s cock was rock-hard and straining against the fabric. Mika’s moans, her smell, her taste, and that beautiful post-orgasmic look on her face were still consuming him. He’d never made a woman climax before, but now that he had Ford knew he would have to do it many, _many_ more times in the future.

He was so distracted by his blissful thoughts that he didn’t notice as Mika recovered. Suddenly she pulled him close and kissed him fiercely, licking away traces of her own juices from his tongue.

“That was amazing, Ford!” she said between heavy breaths. Then she smiled and arched a brow. “Now how would you like me to return the favor?”

Considering all they had done so far, it was surprising that Ford still had it in him to blush. But he did. A lot. All logical thoughts fell out of his brain to be replaced with ‘penis’, ‘mouth’, and ‘yesnowpleasenow!’ Out loud, all he was able to do was gurgle his consent. 

Mika bit her lip with excitement and began to undo Ford’s belt. Ford took a deep breath and waited for her to pull down his pants entirely. He could do this. He’d just had his face pressed up against her genitals, for crying out loud! He could handle exposing his own. 

A moment later his pants were down and his penis fell into view, hard and horizontal. Ford nervously glanced toward Mika to gauge her reaction. To his surprise, she was blushing, but with a shy grin on her face.

“Are you ready?” she asked.

Ford took a second to fully remove his pants and underwear, then sat back on the bed. “Yes! Yes. I definitely think I’m ready.”

Mika smiled at him, then gently pushed him back so he was lying down. She didn’t start right away. Instead she kissed him again and again, pressing the full length of her body up against his. Suddenly Ford didn’t feel nervous at all anymore. He felt peaceful. Calm. That he should pressed naked up against this beautiful woman felt like the most natural thing in the world. This was right. This was where he was meant to be. 

He felt her hand lightly brush his cock and his breath hitched. He wasn’t scared. He was excited! He let out a gasp as Mika strengthened her grip and began to rub up and down his shaft, every time making sure to brush her thumb over the head on the way back down. 

Then she began to move.

Her whole body slid down along his, leaving him warm and tingling along every inch of skin. She shifted to lay on top of him and very deliberately let his penis run between her breasts. Ford felt light-headed. He reminded himself that he still needed to breathe. She was beautiful. She was so beautiful. 

She began to kiss his inner thighs, slowly and gently. Then she moved to his shaft and made sure to press her lips to every side of him. Finally, she held his cock straight up and hovered over it like a performer waiting for her cue. It didn’t take her long. A moment later, she dived. 

“Aaaah! Aaaaah...” Stanford cried, though certainly not in pain. It was more of a cry of surprise and then delight as Mika moved her mouth up and down. So this was what all the fuss was about blow jobs. It turned out they were worth the hype!

Ford’s breath became more and more strained as Mika continued. Her tongue was everywhere. Her hand was slick with saliva, helping to pump her mouth up and down. The sensation was wonderful and almost overwhelming. It could _be_ overwhelming if he let it.

A part of him wanted to whimper, to plead with her to keep going even though she showed no signs of stopping. 

_Please keep going. Please, let this never end. Please show me that you love me over and over until I collapse from the beautiful weight of it. Please, let me never feel scared or alone again. Please. Please!_

But he didn’t say any of it. He knew better now than to put all of his fears and hopes on a single person. He also knew, despite how much he was enjoying himself, that there was another way he wanted to end things today. He reached out to touch Mika’s head, slowly pulled her up, and gave her a long kiss.

“Do you happen to have any condoms with you? I want to finish inside you. Please.”

Mika smiled with a slight blush. “I picked some up the first day we got together. I had no idea what was going to happen when we got back to the hotel and I wanted to be prepared.”

“Well, I’m ready now!” Ford said with a grin. Geez, she was wonderful.

They kissed again and Mika eagerly went to retrieve a condom. Soon she slipped it on, which was its own intriguing sensation, and lay down on the bed in front of him.

Alright, so what they’d been up to for the last while was certainly sex-like. If they stopped right now Ford would certainly hesitate to call himself a virgin at this point. Still, they hadn’t done the _sex_ part of sex and Ford was very keen to properly check all the boxes, so to speak. 

It was a shock how easy it was to go inside her. Almost like their bodies had been designed for it by millions of years of evolution. Though in truth, Ford didn’t have that thought until much later. At that moment all he could do was gasp and wonder again at how this could be possible. How could this amazing, perfect woman be in his arms like this, _making love_ with him? He moved back and forth and groaned with pleasure. The sensation was remarkable.

Then, just before he lost himself to the rhythm entirely, Mika gently took his face in both her hands and looked Ford directly in his eyes. “I love you,” she whispered. “I really do. You mean the world to me.”

She looked so happy when she said it! Not nervous, or guarded, or afraid. She looked like she felt completely safe with him. Really, it was the greatest gift she could have given him. Ford held her close and kissed her fiercely. 

“I love you too,” he said as intensely as he could. He needed her to know how true it was. “Thank you. Thank you for...for everything.”

They didn’t need words after that. Stanford kept thrusting and let their bodies follow their instincts. He went faster and faster, slamming into Mika and seeing her chest bounce every time she was rocked against the bed. 

Ford’s breaths became shorter. He grabbed Mika’s legs and used them as an anchor to hold him and thrust against. He was gasping. She was arching her back. They were both panting and filling the room with half-formed words. Soon Ford was barely breathing at all as came close to reaching his peak. 

This was it!

This…

Now…

Mika!

He grabbed her again and she held him close as he came inside her, orgasming with an intensity and emotional relief he’d never known before. All the world was bright and tingly and his brain couldn’t seem to form a coherent thought. There was only one thing truly on his mind and she was gripping his hand tightly as he rolled over to lay beside her. They were both covered in sweat and couldn’t stop smiling.

“So, what did you think?” asked Mika once they’d had a few minutes to recover. “Did I live up to your expectations? Think you’ll want to give it another go sometime?”

Ford rolled his eyes and laughed. “You know, I think I just might be able to work it into my schedule. I mean, it was only the most incredible experience of my life. I guess I could try it again. For science, you know.”

Mika let out an adorable giggle and Ford pulled her closer to cradle her against his chest. He wasn’t ready to say it yet, he wasn’t even really ready to think it yet, but he knew that whatever happened in the next few weeks he was going to do whatever it took to keep Mika by his side. Or himself by her side. It didn’t matter. His new dream was to make it so there wasn’t a difference between the two at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter I've been sitting on for a while. I know the tone is a bit different than the rest of the story, but I wanted to try my hand at writing smut and it felt like a natural evolution of Mika and Ford's relationship at this time. Next time we'll get back to Stan and the main plot, I promise!
> 
> As always, I love you all, dear readers! Kudos and reviews are immensely appreciated! See you again soon!


	30. Not So Nice

**Chapter 30**

**Stanley**

Stan was in hell. The Wheelies must have been getting frustrated with Ford because they’d stopped feeding Stan days ago. He was living off the scraps Soos snuck to him. Neither he nor Soos were exactly happy about the situation. It was getting harder to think and that made it harder to figure out what the cult’s game was. 

One day Daniels came to see him. Something was always up when Daniels came around. If Soos and Bernice were the carrots then Daniels was the stick. In the early days she’d tried to get him to work with her, maybe give her some information about Mika and Ford. Stan would have been proud to say he’d never given in, but he had a sneaking suspicion that she’d never tried very hard. 

No, what Daniels specialized in was breaking Stan down emotionally and mentally. She didn’t seem to be allowed to touch him physically. Maybe it was part of a deal Ford had made with Bill. Maybe Mika had worked into the fine print of her powerpoint presentation. In any case, Stan was hungry and sleep-deprived but didn’t have so much as a bruise. He still shrank back from her when she entered the room.

Stan was a skeptical man. He certainly didn’t believe in magic. At least, he hadn’t a few months ago. Now he was pretty much a convert, not just because of the wild stories Ford and Mika told him or the weird dreams he’d been having, but because of the way Daniels always knew exactly how to get to him.

“What should we talk about this time?” she asked with a flickering smile. “I’m getting tired of the night Ford abandoned you. How about a new angle? The way your pops always hated you. The way you were always the extra kid no one wanted. The way you’ve always just been a burden to everyone who’s ever known you.”

“Does that include you?” Stan asked with as much sass as he could manage. “Because, I tell ya, it’s a real delight being a pain in _your_ ass.”

Daniels didn’t even roll her eyes. “Not feeling guilty about your childhood today? That’s fine. We both know you’re too selfish to really care anyway. You’re Stan Pines: the man without a home who will do whatever he has to to survive, right?”

That one jabbed at him a bit. He spoke before he could think better of it. “That’s not true! I _have_ a home!”

“What, you mean that shitty apartment you were staying in? You call _that_ a home? No, that was just another job.” Daniels stared at him with disgust. “You saw an opening and you tricked Mika, a depressed and mentally addled girl, into feeling sorry for you. You used her. You used her home, her food, her money, and later even her job all so you could get back on top!”

“Fuck you!” Stan took a swing at Daniels, but as always she easily stepped aside. She didn’t try to strike back, they both already knew she’d hit her mark.

Stan had never told anyone how he really felt about living with Mika, the nights he’d stayed up wondering if they were really friends or if he was just taking advantage of an easy situation. He’d never been brave enough to ask the question honestly, even to himself. How the hell had Daniels known?

Maybe a little triangle in a top hat really _had_ told her.

The session went on for an hour, with Daniels taunting him about vulnerabilities he didn’t even know he had. By the end Stan stopped trying to fight back. Instead, like he always did, Stan focused on trying to keep his face as stoney as possible. Her words might be like bullet holes in his heart, but he wasn’t going to let her see how much she affected him.

He got his revenge later that night. Stan used Mika’s pocketknife and a loose nail he’d found to break out of his cell. It was something he’d done a few times already, but he was careful not to do it too often. He just wanted to gather some clues, maybe get a sense of the building’s layout in case he ever needed to get out quickly. He knew now wasn’t the time to escape. He’d have who knew how many cultists on his tail within an hour. That might be fine if Stan just had himself to save, but he didn’t.

Stan hurried down a corridor then slipped into a closet as he heard people approaching. They were laughing, talking about how well a meeting they had just left had gone. That gave Stan his next lead. He snuck through the halls until he found a large room with bleacher seating. He thought it was the room he’d first been held hostage in, though his memories of that day weren’t very clear. There was a stage now, barren except for a projector screen. The projector stood nearby, still plugged into a laptop.

He moved inside cautiously, feeling vulnerable in such an open space. Still, he had to take the chance. Stan opened the laptop and felt a surge of triumph when it revealed an image of Bill and the words “The Big Plan: Don’t Get Too Attached to the Earth, Kiddies!” Stan clicked forward in the slide show. The next page had a picture of America with a car on it, a car that looked like the Stanley-mobile…

“Wha--What are you doing here?” said a timid voice.

Stan whirled around so fast he smacked himself in the face. Then he breathed a sigh of relief. “Geez, you scared the hell out of me, Bernice.”

She looked nervous to see him. “You aren’t supposed to be out of your cell, Stan! You’re putting yourself in so much danger!”

“Don’t worry, babe. It’s fine! I was just looking for some grub is all…” Stan saw her expression falter. “And I wanted to see _you_ of course.”

That made Bernice smile again. In truth, Stan wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about her. She was sweet and they’d had some pretty nice smooches between them, but she was also one of the people holding him prisoner. Stan wasn’t the wisest of men, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t a good dynamic for a healthy relationship. Maybe things would be different down the line one day, when he broke her out of this crazy cult and she could look at him like he was a hero instead of with pity in her eyes.

Then Stan bit his lip. There was something wrong about the look in her eyes. It was...resigned?

“Oh, I really wish I could believe you,” Bernice said, shaking her head. “But you really need to get back to your cell. Don’t you know you’re only safe if you don’t fight back? Otherwise...well, Bill always has eyes everywhere!”

And in an instant Bernice went stiff as a board. Her eyes rolled up into her head. When they came down again they were a bright yellow. She laughed, but it wasn’t Bernice’s soul behind the laughter. 

“I’ve got to hand it to you, Mackerel,” Bill said. “For a second there you really had a shot at causing some trouble. You could have found out my master plan and everything. All you had to do was punch out this sack of flesh and make a break for it!”

Stan scowled and clenched his fists. “What makes you think I won’t just do that now?”

Bill stepped forward with a broad smile and flicked Stan’s nose. “Because you’re an idiot, that’s why! You _care_ about Bernice. You think she’s some tragic lost soul you can save. It never even occurred to you that that’s what I _wanted_ you to think!”

“I...What? What do you mean?” Stan knew what he meant. He just didn’t want to believe it.

Bill’s smile became even wider. “I’ve been watching humans for millennia! You think I never picked up on good cop/bad cop? Daniels has been tearing you to pieces for weeks now and you’ve just kept taking it because you had to protect poor little Bernice! Who _knows_ what might happen to her if you weren’t there to hold her when she cries at night?”

Stan felt sick to his stomach. He’d never felt so used in his whole life. “So, what, are you saying she’s even been _crying_ on your orders?”

“Well…” Bill shrugged. “Let’s just say I gave her a lot of motivation to play her part. Not that she’s innocent in all this. She joined me freely and gladly. I’ve just had to explain to her a bit more often why the end of the world is just what this dimension needs!”

Then he scowled at Stan. “Now, are you going to go back in your cell on your own, or do I have to cut this woman’s hands off?”

Stan didn’t fight. He wanted to, but he didn’t. He had eight years experience of just looking out for himself and it wasn’t enough to let Bernice be maimed. He told himself that he wouldn’t have made it far anyway.

Bernice cried when Bill let her go and begged Stan to forgive her. She swore she never lied to him. She just hadn’t been able to tell him the full truth. Now that Stan was listening for it, he could hear the careful way each sob was timed for maximum impact. It made him so bitter he started to laugh. Bernice didn’t stay long after that.

How? How had Stan underestimated Bill so much for so long? The damn triangle looked like something out of a cartoon, but still he was able to fool everyone. He was a master con-man, able to make you miss what was right under your nose. 

So what did that mean for Ford and Mika?

The thought made Stan’s anger subside. Growing up, Ford had always loved riddles and logic puzzles while Stan thought they were a pain. Now, however, Stan could finally appreciate the peace Ford found in trying to solve those games. It was just a matter of taking what you were best at and trying to out-think your opponent.

It wasn’t long before Stan began to connect the dots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bernice is complicated. After all, it takes a complicated person to sincerely follow Bill. Stan's not really in a place to be understanding about that right now.
> 
> Comments? Questions? Critiques? Please send me a review!
> 
> Next time: the hunt for the last artifact begins! We're also entering our final stretch! I estimate that we have about six or seven chapters left to go, so please let me know if there's anything you'd really like to see before the story ends!


	31. A Shotgun Deal

**Chapter 31**

**Mika**

Stan had once told her she would fall in love with someone who offered her a challenge. It turned out that he was right. Too right.

It all started the day that Ford had shown her magic was real. He’d gone from being an annoyance to being a marvel. Suddenly Mika couldn’t dismiss his intelligence anymore. She’d seen first-hand that it was capable of changing the world.

 

Slowly things had changed between them. He was funny. He was _interesting_. More than that, he’d shown that he could be vulnerable. On the day when he’d told her and Fiddleford about Bill and all the horrible things he had done, Mika had known she was in love. Why else would Stanford’s pain make her own heart hurt so much?

She hadn’t planned to do anything about it though. There was too much at stake to risk derailing things with a poorly thought out romance. But then those stupid Cuffs of Truth had come along and….

Well the short of it was that now she and Ford were in bed in yet _another_ hotel room, a tangle of sheets and limbs that left her feeling both giddy and wracked with guilt.

“We shouldn’t be here,” Mika murmured even as she kept kissing Ford. “We should be on the road to the next artifact. We shouldn’t be wasting time like this.”

“You’re right,” Ford agreed, briefly looking up from sucking at Mika’s breasts. “Just ten more minutes.”

Sometimes Mika wondered if their new-found happiness was real. They had been together so long and under so much stress...What if they just thought they were in love because it let them calm down when they, well, indulged a bit?

Mika shoved the thought aside. Not now. Not while she felt happier than she had in weeks. Not when she was desperate to believe in a world that could have magic AND love. Besides, Ford was in the middle of experimenting with his…

Honestly, it was a good thing they got interrupted just then. 

First there was just a knock at the door, which was enough to make them both jump and scramble for their clothes. Mika yanked on her shirt then saw how brightly Ford was blushing as he nearly fell over putting his pants on.

“Don’t worry,” she said, catching her breath. “It’s probably just--”

And that was when the shotgun blasted through the door.

Ford and Mika dove for cover just as someone kicked the door open. They peeked out from behind the bed and saw that their attacker was an angry-looking old woman in a floral dress and combat boots. Unfortunately, she spotted them right away too and raised her shotgun once again.

“Irene! Meitner! I’m tired of your lolly-gagging!” she said in a bitter voice. “You had better get back on the road and finish the second arm, or I swear my next shot won’t miss!” With that she fired on the pillows they’d been lying on mere seconds before, sending a cascade of feathers flying into the air.

“And one more thing,” the woman said, looking Mika right in the eye. “I always shipped you with Nick, so I want you to know that I’m very disappointed in you, missy.”

Then, just like that, the woman left. Leaving Mika with terrified and very confused. 

The instant they felt safe Mika and Ford leapt up, finished dressing and hurried to pack their things. They didn’t need to communicate to agree that they didn’t want to to stay here long enough for the police to show up. In fact, they didn’t even stop to catch their breath until they were in the car, peeling out of the hotel’s parking lot.

The first thing Mika did was laugh, though definitely with a nervous edge to it. “Wow, it’s a good thing I’m not the sort of person to think sex is a sin or that would have definitely put the fear of god into me.”

Ford didn’t seem to see the humor in it. His expression was dark and solemn. “It was certainly a wake-up call,” he said tersely. “I could have gotten you killed, having us lingering in bed like that. I should have known better.”

Mika reached out and squeezed Ford’s hand where sat white-knuckled on the steering wheel. “Hey, it’s okay. Neither of us could have known we were being watched that closely.”

“I _should_ have known! I’m the smart one!”

“...Yeah. I guess you are,” Mika said quietly. She was silent for a long time after that, slightly bitter that Ford didn’t notice with his attention on the road. But she was also lost in her own thoughts, focused on remembering a dream she’d had weeks ago. A charismatic voice had spoken to her then and offered her everything she’d ever dreamed of. Suddenly she was more tempted than ever to shake that creature’s hand.

“Where are we going next, exactly?” Ford finally asked after about an hour of silence. “What does the list say?”

Mika riffled through their hastily packed things until she found the information Bill had given them. Their next stop was still in California. It was…

Of course. The one place Mika had been dreading.

“It looks like we’re going to West Coast Tech.”

**Ford**

A million thoughts were racing through Ford’s mind. How could he have been so foolish as to endanger Mika with his own selfish urges? What had the gunwoman meant when she’d said they needed to finish the second arm? Why did people keep ‘shipping’ Mika with Stan?

And above all, why was Bill sending him to the very school that had caused Ford and Stan so much pain so many years ago? After all, this could be no coincidence. Perhaps there really was a magical artifact at West Coast Tech, but Bill was a clever fiend. He was sending Ford a message by making him come here. If only Ford could work out what it was…

For her part Mika was being very quiet. Perhaps she was afraid from being shot at. Or maybe she was angry that, for a brief moment, Ford had been more concerned with physical intimacies than rescuing Stanley. Ford was embarrassed and afraid to ask. They had a connection, he reminded himself. They were in love! Surely she wouldn’t hold a grudge against him for one mistake?

...No. Stanford knew that he was the only one who did things like that.

All at once, Ford felt a cold fear grip his heart. What if Mika abandoned him as suddenly as he’d abandoned Stanley? What if she left and he was suddenly all alone again, facing a monster who wanted both to destroy the world and the people that Ford personally cared for? He didn’t think that he could handle that heartbreak and loneliness again. Especially now that he’d have to admit it was all his own fault.

He wanted to reach out to Mika, to hold her hand even just for a moment, but she looked so distant and...was she crying?

“Mika, what’s wrong?” he asked quickly. His stomach twisted in a knot. He was sure the answer would be him, sure that he had done something to push her away.

“It’s...I just…” Mika hesitated. “Nevermind. It’s just my own stupid stuff. Keep driving. We need to stay focused on the mission.”

Ford bit his lip. He really was no good at navigating this sort of situation. “No...um, honey?” He blushed and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “We’re a team. If something’s wrong for you then that decreases our effectiveness by 50%! Besides, I...I’d like to know what’s bothering you. Is it something I did? You can tell me if it is! I swear!”

To his utter relief Mika smiled and took his hand. She held it tightly. Then she said something that broke his heart.

“Bill offered me a deal. And I think...I think I want to take it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I'm back! I hope you all are still enjoy my story as we enter into the penultimate arc. Here we see that Mika and Ford still have their personal demons to deal with...but they're still not as dangerous as the actual demon. Hope these kids know what they're doing!
> 
> What do YOU think is going on?


	32. Sowing Doubt

**Chapter 32**

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 68**

EI: Hello listeners! How are you doing? Personally, I’m not at my best, I’m afraid. The evil cult that kidnapped my best friend isn’t even letting me talk to him now for some reason and my, er, _boyfriend_ is barely talking to me. It seems a little petty of him honestly.

MtV: ….

EI: I am now poking Meitner’s cheek in an effort to remind him what smiling is like….and it seems to be having no effect. C’mon honey-buns! If something is bothering you, you need to com-un-i-cate. Why don’t you tell our listeners what’s on your mind?

MtV:....Ow! _Fine._ I suppose I’m just...tense. Because we’re going to the school that rejected me when I was in high school.

EI: I know that’s rough, but don’t forget they rejected me too. We’ll be a pair of too-good-for-them rejects!

MtV: Yes, but _I_ actually _should_ have gotten in!

EI:...Excuse me?

MtV: I mean, you’re perfectly clever, Irene. But I can see why you wouldn’t quite be West Coast Tech material.

EI: I see.

MtV: Meanwhile I would have been assured a place there if _someone_ hadn’t sabotaged my science fair invention!

EI: Oh, not this again!

**Ford**

They bickered for the rest of the episode, which clearly did nothing to ease the tension in the car. Mika was so irritated at the end that she barely even edited the show before posting it. Ford was just glad that they could stop talking. In truth he wasn’t too concerned about West Coast Tech itself. He was worried because they were about to retrieve the last item on Bill’s list. That meant they were all running out of time. Whatever Bill’s ultimate plan was, he was going to enact it soon. 

The item in question was some sort of a mushroom. It was blue with purple spots. That was it. That was literally all the information Bill’s files had given them. Not its name. Not what it did. Not even where they could find it. It made Ford very suspicious.

Mika had pointed out that their best chance was to start looking around at the botany department. The staff of West Coast Tech would certainly be interested in a mushroom with such unusual coloring. It had to be under study somewhere.

They arrived at the campus in the late afternoon. It immediately took Ford’s breath away. West Coast Tech was like a small city, with beautiful modern buildings and large stretches of greenery connecting it all. Students walked among the trees, carrying books and chating. Ford heard snatches of conversation about astrophysics, neurobiology, and advanced engineering. Everyone seemed to be brilliant here. It was everything Ford had ever dreamed of. It made him hurt all the more to directly confront what might have been.

Mika took his hand. “Come on. I just saw a sign for the botany department.”

“Right.Thank you.”

Their plan was pretty straight-forward, at least to start with. If anyone questioned them as they wandered the botany building they would say they graduate students from another department with a budding interest in plant studies. (Stanford assumed that, like most scientist, botanists appreciated a good pun.) From there they would explain that they wanted to see an unusual mushroom they had heard about. With any luck that would get them what they needed with minimal fuss.

Ford really shouldn’t have been surprised when the plan immediately went off the rails.

They were wandering down their first hall and peeking into lecture halls when a voice suddenly called out. “My goodness! It can’t be! Are you _Dr. Stanford Pines_?”

Instinctively, Ford and Mika whirled around, ready for a confrontation. Instead they found an innocent-looking middle-aged man in glasses. He had a white streak in grey hair and looked both friendly and in awe. He stepped forward and took Ford’s hand in a rigorous hand-shake. Then he looked down and pointedly stared at Ford’s extra finger. Ford quickly took his hand away. The man didn’t seem to be bothered. In fact, he looked happier than before.

“It really is you!” the man said with a bright smile. “I’ve been a fan of your work for years now! Please let me introduce myself: I am Dr. Cornell Oakes. I’m a professor here. My, it truly is a pleasure to meet you!”

“Um, thank you.” Ford wasn’t sure what to say. He had never of Dr. Oakes before. “You,er, say you’re familiar with my work? I didn’t realize I had any fans. I haven’t published much since…”  
“Since your days at Backupsmore, of course.” Dr. Oakes nodded. “I’d never heard of someone earning so many Phds so quickly! Please tell me you’ve kept up your studies for the last few years. I used to love reading your papers, especially your theories on anomalies.”

Ford blushed, feeling suddenly flustered. Certainly he’d gotten his fair share of academic accolades back in school, but it had been a while since then. In his hunt for the Grand Unified Theory of Weirdness he hadn’t published any of his findings in Gravity Falls. Sometimes he worried that he was drifting into obscurity. 

“You...read my papers?” Ford asked hesitantly. 

“And loved them! I’ve never known a student with so much potential!” Dr. Oakes beamed. “You must let me take you out to lunch. Whatever you’ve been up to lately, I want to hear about it!”

“Actually, we’re a bit busy,” Mika broke in, sounding slightly annoyed. “Why don’t you--”

“Nonsense, Mika, we can spare a bit of time,” Ford said, interrupting her and smiling in Dr. Oakes direction. “In fact, I’ll the professor will be happy to help us once we’ve discussed things a little bit.”

“Ford, we don’t have _time_ for…”

He fixed her with a steady gaze. “Be honest now. Are you just trying to avoid a meal?”

Immediately Mika looked like she’d been slapped and Ford knew he’d gone too far. He stepped forward to apologize but Mika shook her head.

“Fine,” she said. “If you’re so _concerned_ about me let’s get some lunch.”

Dr. Oakes looked between them awkwardly. “Um...Alright. Let’s go then!”

**Mika**

Considering all the danger and fear she had dealt with in the past few months it was difficult to decide when she had been the most miserable. At least, it had been before today. Now she was stuck at a table with the professor, Ford, and Ford’s ego. There was barely even room for her to sit. 

Ford was currently expounding on some theories he had about ley lines, one of the few areas he could talk about without getting into his work in Gravity Falls. Dr. Oakes was eating it up. Mika barely understood a word of it. 

She wriggled uncomfortably in her chair and took a morose bite from her dry chicken sandwich. Fine. So Stanford was smarter than her. He was smarter than everyone. That didn’t mean he didn’t really love her, right? That didn’t make her any less worthy as a person!

The conversation dragged on, eventually transitioning to astrophysics. Mika played with the crumbs on her plate while the others forgot about their food entirely. 

_And I thought I was the one with the eating disorder,_ she thought wryly.

Eventually Mika excused herself, supposedly to go to the bathroom but really to stretch her legs and get away from those two for a moment. When she came back toward the table she noticed that Ford looked troubled. Curious, she circled to the other side of the restaurant where there was a row of ferns blocking her from view. She slowly snuck close enough to hear their conversation. 

“...I’m certain she’s a lovely girl,” the professor was saying. “Is that really going to be enough for you though? Someone as brilliant as you deserves a partner to be surrounded by similar levels of intellect. Trust me, incompatibility was what ended my my first marriage. I wish I could have saved myself the years of misplaced effort.”

Ford looked away and put his hands in his lap. “I...I’m sorry things ended poorly for you and your spouse, but you don’t know Mika and she...She’s…”

“Let me guess,” Dr. Oakes said, not unkindly. “You’ve spent much of your life alone or feeling alone because your mind has separated you so much from your peers. That plus your unusual hands made women dismissive of you and you had few romantic interactions. Now you’ve found someone beautiful and kind who seems to accept you as you are. Suddenly you can’t stop thinking about her and she won’t stop smiling at you and you’re convinced this must be love. After all, what more could you want?”

Ford was quiet for a very long moment. “You don’t think it’s love?”

“Well...to be honest, no I don’t. I think what you have is intense infatuation. But real takes more than kindness and a pretty face. Do you even have anything in common? Does she understand your work at all? Would she support you in it or would she ultimately be more of a distraction?”

“I don’t want to be alone again…”

Dr. Oakes kindly patted Ford’s shoulder. “And you won’t be. You can trust that your story is far from unusual around West Coast Tech. It can be hard to find companionship for genius out in the wide world. That’s why we try to gather them all up here!” He chuckled. “What do you think, Stanford? Do you think you could fit in at West Coast Tech?”

A ghost of an old smile briefly lit up Ford’s face before fading again. “It’s a little late for me to become a student at this point.”

“And it would be a waste of your time! I’m inviting you to become a researcher, perhaps even for me personally!”

By then Mika had heard enough. She took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. Dr. Oakes’ words had cut deep. She wasn’t sure if she _was_ good enough for Ford. Still, for the moment they still had a mission to focus on. Mika did her best to clear her mind and act like she hadn’t just been spying on them. 

“Hey guys!” she said brightly as she came around the corner. “I don’t suppose you’re talking about neuroscience, sociology, or fanfiction now, are you? Now _those_ are topics I could help with!”

Dr. Oakes chuckled. “I’m afraid not. Actually we were just discussing--”

“We were talking about why you and I came here in the first place,” Ford interrupted hastily. “I was just about to tell Cornell about the mushroom we’re looking for.”

Oh, so they were on a first name basis now, were they? Of course they were. And _Cornell_ happened to know exactly where they could find the mushroom they were looking for. Of course he did.

Mika ground her teeth and continued to do her best to keep up a cheerful appearance. She hated this man. She hated this place. Everything about it made her feel lesser. For Ford West Coast Tech was a sign of a dream that by all rights should have come true. For Mika, it was a symbol of everyone who had ever told her she wasn’t good enough, of all the people and failures that had made her waste her life in a packed up apartment. 

What was she even doing here? She wasn’t a genius. She was a joke, a joke that Ford was bound to get tired of once her novelty wore off. Why did she even bother with anything? She’d be better off…

_Stanley_

He was her hero, her inspiration, and her best friend. He was counting on her. Foolish or not, she was going to see this through for him.

No matter what it cost.

**Ford**

They were almost there. Just one more artifact to collect and then it would be time to face Bill. Ford knew he shouldn’t get ahead of himself, after all he still had to actually collect the stupid mushroom, but all in all things were going remarkably smoothly so far. 

“Its coloring was unusual, of course,” Cornell explained. “No one has been able to pinpoint what species it might be from. Though, as I understand it, the Mushroom of Mystery as they call it is structurally unremarkable. Since you’re looking for it, does that mean you think it has supernatural properties?”

“That….is a possibility,” Ford admitted reluctantly. He really didn’t want to share any part of their mission but he didn’t know what else to say.

“Well, if it’s for the cause of science, even mystical science, I can hardly deny you a look at the thing, now can I?” Cornell was smiling widely, looking almost like a child in his glee. 

Ford wondered for a moment if the man was a bit like Mika, someone who had longed for proof of the supernatural for years but without Ford’s ‘wizardly’ knack for stumbling across it. How many people were there like that in the world? How many dreams would come true when he was finally able to present his findings at Gravity Falls to the world at large? Would he become more than a world-renowned scientist then? Would he become a hero? 

All at once he felt a renewed anger with Bill. On top of his many other crimes, Bill was holding Ford back, holding humanity back, from embracing magic as a natural part of the world! Who knew feats could be achieved with spells at the side of scientists, doctors, and engineers! Ford could be on the forefront of discovery right now if it weren’t for Bill and his deadly games. Forget being a researcher, Ford could head his own department at West Coast Tech! He could found his own school!

His thoughts were racing at a fever pitch, then suddenly cooled when he felt Mika take his hand in hers. She looked worried. He hadn’t said a word and yet she still looked worried. He squeezed her hand back in reassurance. He loved her so much. 

He failed to notice how doubtful she looked in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, thank goodness everything is straight-forward and easy right now, right? If all goes according to plan, the Mushroom of Mystery arc should be done by the next chapter and THEN...OUR EPIC CLIMAX BEGINS! 
> 
> Seriously though, we're getting to the end of the story now. If there's anything you want to make sure I include that isn't obvious, now's the time to tell me!
> 
> As always, thank you all for being wonderful readers. You guys mean the world to me!


	33. No Turning Back

**Chapter 33**

**Mika**

His hand in hers was the only sign she had that Ford even remembered she existed. Was he really that fascinated by the professor’s rambling or was he just good at acting polite? Mika wished for the latter but couldn’t be sure. 

Inside she was burning with embarrassment and frustration. Ford was right. She didn’t belong here. Cornell was making that clear enough.

Finally they stopped outside a darkened lab. Cornell gestured for them to go inside but Ford hesitated. He looked at Mika nervously.

“Maybe I should handle things from here,” he said. “After all, uh, I’m really the only supernatural expert between us.”

Mika looked Ford in the eyes and he glanced away. Was he seriously trying to do this? Rage boiled in Mika’s veins as she finally reached her breaking point. Ford had his arm up, blocking the doorway. Mika slapped it aside.

“I may not be as brainy as you, Stanford. I may not be the same kind of expert you are. But I can take care of myself!” She poked at his chest, pushing him back slightly. “I’ve handled a dragon, a werewolf, and a bunch of brown-nosing owls by your side and you didn’t say a thing back then!”

“Well I--”

“And don’t pretend that I don’t know exactly what’s different this time ‘Doctor’ Pines!” Mika narrowed her eyes and pointed at Cornell. “You want to leave me behind because you want to spend more time with your new bosom buddy here: the living embodiment of who you might have been!”

Ford looked back and forth between Mika and Cornell, clearly pained. “Mika, I can’t. Please don’t--”

He went silent when Mika pressed her finger to his lips. It reminded them both of the night they had first met. So much had changed since then, yet here she was, yelling at him again as though nothing were different. Well, it wouldn’t last for much longer. 

Cornell stood awkwardly to one side, sweating and uncertain what to do. “Um. Soooo. Do you two still want to see the mushroom? It’s right inside. I guess some students were taking a look at it earlier.”

Mika didn’t give Ford a chance to react. She stormed right into the lab where the Mushroom of Mystery was sitting on a platter like it was waiting for them. 

Which, of course, it was.

**One Month Ago, In Mika’s Dreams**

Mika slept fitfully the first time that she met Bill. Most creatures did. Except moose. Bill had never been able to figure that one out. 

He’d tied Sixer’s dream into it because it was fun to watch that nerd panic and it didn’t take a genius to work out that Sixer was well on his way to crush town with his blue-haired companion. It was both hilarious and pathetic, two of Bill’s favorite things!

But today he had a bone to pick with Mika in particular. Things had been easier when Bill had Sixer convinced to work alone. Now he’d brought in Mackerel and Mika had just invited herself to the show. More people meant more variables to keep track of. Not that that was a problem. Bill was great at turning people into tools. 

So he watched her dreams a bit and went through her thoughts. She’d been through some hard times, similar to Mackerel. She was defensive, scared of getting hurt again, and sensitive about her emotional vulnerabilities. At the same time she was fierce, loyal, and willing to do anything for her loved ones.

Taking her down would almost be too easy.

Finally Bill made contact with her. He offered the easy things first: power, money, success, love, everything he knew she wanted but would be too smart to accept from him. These idiots always thought they were safe once they knew he was the bad guy. They never believed he was just getting started.

“I showed you all the things I knew you would say no to, Flamey. Aren’t you curious what I saved to make you say yes?”

She didn’t have to admit it. Bill could tell she was curious from the barest glance she gave him. His eye smiled. He leaned close and whispered in her ear. “How would you like to never feel pain again?”

The thing about humans was that they always assumed they were much more complicated than they really were. They thought they had layers and nuances that were impossible to read. It was laughable. In truth, all humans wanted, every single one of them, was to end the pain. The pain of playing by other people’s rules, the pain of being alone, the pain of not being enough. From the outside life was a simple game where Bill had the one card he just needed to play over and over again. In Mika’s case, Bill just had to be a little more direct.

“Your heart hurts everyday doesn’t it, Flamey? You’ve got a sick brain that makes every little feeling ten times worse. And the pills don’t work, do they? Not really. I could take that pain away forever.”

Mika started to protest, but Bill put a finger to her lips. She rolled her eyes. He ignored it. He was having too much fun. 

“No need to get all high and mighty,” Bill went on. “I know you still won’t take a deal with me. ‘Oh, don’t trust Bill! There’s got to be strings attached! Blah blah blah!’ Well, lucky for you, I’m not offering you a deal to cure your depression. My deal is for...information. Information that won’t cost you a thing! All you have to do is shake my hand and I’ll tell you how to not only never feel your heart weigh you down again, but how to become the most brilliant mind the world has ever known!”

Then he waited for her to speak. She hesitated for a moment and in that instant Bill knew he had her. All that was left was formalities. 

“What’s in it for you?”

“I get to mess with Sixer’s head and punch him in the ego! That alone is worth it!”

“Why should I trust you?”

“Because you’re going to get to a point where you’ll know you’ll have to if you want a chance to save Stanley.”

“What’s the catch?”

Bill leaned in, with glee in his eye. “You won’t feel pain, but you’ll also never feel anything else ever again.”

“...What do I have to do?”

“Ah, ah, ah. That one is going to cost you.” Bill held out his hand meaningfully.

And Mika took it.

**Now**

**Mika**

She and Ford lept for the mushroom at the same time. They all fell to the floor in a heap but Mika scrambled to her feet first and triumphantly displayed the mushroom to both Ford and Cornell. Ford made a lunge for it, but Mika dodged to the side.

“Please, Mika don’t!” Ford yelled. “It’s not worth it!”

Mika shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. I must not be smart enough to work that out for myself. Not yet anyway.”

Then, before Ford could stop her, she popped the mushroom into her mouth, chewed it up and swallowed it in one gulp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I promise NEXT chapter will wrap up this storyline! In the meantime please send in your thoughts! Bill and I would love to know what you think of his little plan...


	34. Behind the Scenes

**Chapter 34**

**Ford**

His heart stopped as Mika swallowed the mushroom. There was no turning back now. Ford could only hope their plan would work.

Beside them, Cornell started laughing. It was a wild, disturbing laugh and for the first time Ford was able to see beyond the tint of Cornell’s glasses. The professor’s eyes were yellow.

All at once Ford couldn’t breathe. Bill. Bill was here. Had he been here the whole time, taunting Ford with his friendly conversation? Ford’s stomach lurched. It was like being betrayed by his muse all over again.

“Wow, that was even easier than I thought it would be!” Bill cackled. “You two are so obsessed with being the smartest brains around that you’ll do the _stupidest_ things to prove it!” He walked over to Mika, whose gaze was numb and distant. He slapped at her cheeks playfully. “Now poor Flamey over here will never feel anything again. She won’t even be able to save Stanley because she won’t _care_ about him anymore! Isn’t that hilarious?”

“No! That can’t be true!” Ford cried desperately. “Mika wouldn’t give up who she is like that! Tell him that you’re still you, Mika!”

But instead Mika just looked numb, her face drained and pale. “I...I think we’ve been tricked, Stanford. It’s alright though. Stopping Bill isn’t very important. The universe was going to end eventually anyway. If Bill destroys everything it won’t make much difference. We may as well relax.”

Ford felt sick hearing the monotone in her voice. Bill laughed again, this time even louder. It was too much. Ford clenched his fist and punched Bill in the face. Cornell’s body crumpled to the floor with a satisfying thud, but even that wasn’t enough to remove the maddening smirk on his face. 

Ford waited to see if Bill would appear again, but Cornell didn’t move. Ford’s hand stung from the punch. That didn’t mean he wasn’t ready to deliver another one. When nothing happened for a full minute Ford finally let out a long breath. He rushed over to Mika and grabbed her into a tight hug. 

“Did it work?” he asked. “Please tell me you didn’t actually eat that mushroom.”

For a heart-pounding second Mika didn’t say anything. Then, blessedly, she reached up and returned the hug. Ford leaned back to look at her. She was grinning with tears in her eyes.

“Of course it worked,” she said with a choked up voice. “I’m not an idiot.”

 

**Yesterday**

“What?!” Ford yelled. “You want to take a deal from _Bill_! After everything he’s done?!”

“Well, not exactly,” Mika clarified. “I want him to _think_ I’ve taken his deal. He wants me to eat the mushroom when we find it. Apparently it’ll make me smarter than even you.”

“And at what cost?”

“The entire emotional side of my mind.”

Ford flinched but did his best to stay calm. “Mika, that would get rid of nearly everything you are. It would basically be like killing yourself.” 

“And I have no interest in trying _that_ again,” she said with an unnerving grin. Then she pulled out a plastic bag and tossed it to Ford. “Instead, I went shopping.”

He looked inside the bag. In it were a container of ordinary white mushrooms and several bottles of food coloring. Ford smiled in spite of himself. “You really think…”

“Oh, absolutely,” Mika replied. “Give me a distraction so I can make the swap and I’ll never be in any real danger.”

Ford grabbed her then and pulled her into a fierce kiss. “That’s brilliant! I knew you too smart to fall for one of Bill’s deals like that!”

Then a silence stretched between them and Ford’s smile faded. Mika wouldn’t meet his gaze. 

“The thing is,” Mika finally said, “I _was_ tempted. Bill… Somehow he knew exactly where to hit me where I’m most insecure.” She sighed deeply. “The truth is, Ford, I’m incredibly jealous of you. I wish I could be as smart as you are. I wish I had your confidence, your capability. I’ve just...I feel like I’ve never really accomplished anything in my life and you, you’re just amazing in every way!”

Stanford had gotten his fair share of praise before in his life. Normally it made him feel proud. This time it only made him feel guilty. He’d always thought his intelligence was a gift. Thinking about it now though, it only seemed to hurt people and drive away those he cared about. Even worse, his ‘brilliant’ mind was what had drawn Bill to him in the first place. Maybe he would have been better off as a normal person all along. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be in such danger because of his horrible hubris. 

He began to unconsciously rub at his extra fingers, wondering what he should say to Mika to try and make things better. This was all his fault. If only…

“This is all my fault,” Mika said with a sniffle. “I’m sorry that I’m like this, Ford. I’m sorry that I’m so petty that I can’t just be happy for you and the incredible gifts you have.” She wiped at her eyes. “And despite knowing better, despite knowing everything you and Stan have been through, Bill still tempted me! I might have fallen for it too except…”

“Except what?” Ford asked, with his heart in his throat.

She took his hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “Except that I love you. And even if I never felt like I was good enough for you, I would never want to give that up.”

For a moment Ford could only stare. Then he leaned forward and pulled Mika into a hug. They didn’t say anything for a long time. Everything they needed to communicate came from the light touches between them.

But eventually they did break apart. There was planning to be done and a lot more that had to be said. Ford listed off the many things he admired about Mika; her strength, her wisdom, her kindness, her sense of humor, and so on until she could barely look him in the eye she was blushing so much. From there they said some extremely sappy things that neither would have wanted any outsider to know about but that each of them would remember forever. Then, finally it was time to plan.

Since Bill wanted them to get to the mushroom that meant that he’d probably help them along, either personally or through one of his cultists. He might even try to find ways to enforce Mika’s low self-esteem.

They had no idea how right they were. When Cornell appeared and started to lavishly praise Ford, that was suspicious enough. Then he went on to dismiss Mika’s intellect and her relationship with Ford entirely. It was too much to be a coincidence. Throughout the whole encounter Mika and Ford squeezed hands and sent each other knowing glances to confirm they knew they were being ‘duped’. Still, that didn’t mean the experience was an easy one.

Now that Ford knew to be on the lookout for it, he could see the pain rising in Mika’s eyes the longer Cornell praised him and the longer she went ignored. Ford could almost sense her misery and he wondered how tempted he would be to prove himself if he had been in position. But the worst part came during lunch, when Cornell started to talk to Ford about Mika herself, and about how she didn’t deserve him. 

Curse Bill. Curse him and his uncanny knack for finding everyone’s greatest weaknesses. In the end the plan almost didn’t work because Ford was so scared Mika would actually eat the Mushroom of Mystery. He tried to stop her at the last moment. Luckily, Mika was too quick for that and, ultimately, too wise. They wrestled over the mushroom and that gave her the opportunity to swap out the real one for the painted substitute. Bill, for all his supposed omniscience, never noticed. 

Still, Ford couldn't help feeling he had dodged a bullet. For hours he kept finding excuses to touch Mika just to make sure she was still there, still herself. Finally she noticed.

“Not that I mind the affection, Ford, but are you alright?” she asked.

“You shouldn’t be jealous of me,” he whispered.

Mika paled. “I know. You’ve got a gift and I should just be proud of you and I have my own positive qualities and all that.”

“No. I mean, you do, but that isn’t what I meant.” Ford pulled at his hair, unsure how to continue. “It’s just...I’m starting to think, that is, I’ve been thinking for a while that this genius of mine is nothing to envy. All it’s done is make me arrogant and made me push away the people I care about.”

He sighed. “I could have lost you today, Mika. The same way I lost Stanley and Fiddleford. I don’t think I could take that. I don’t want to lose anymore friends.” The last words came out choked and Ford fought to not let them turn into a sob. So many feelings were finally catching up to him all at once.

Mika saw him curl in on himself and hurried to give him hug. She held him for a long time, making soothing noises and rubbing at his back.

“Ford…” she asked hesitantly, “do you ever miss Bill?”

He started and stared at her. “ _Miss_ Bill? The monster that ruined my life and wants to destroy the world?”

She shook her head. “Not that Bill. I mean Bill the way you thought he was. The one who said he was your muse, the one you thought of as a friend. Did you ever mourn when you lost him?”

With anyone else, under any other circumstance, Ford would have pushed away. Mourning Bill? The very idea was ridiculous! But Mika was so warm and sounded so sincere that instead Ford did something he hadn’t done in years. He started to cry.

Ford didn’t say anything and Mika didn’t ask any questions. She just kept holding him without a hint of judgement. To Ford’s surprise, he realized that was all he needed. It was all he’d needed for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn it, Bill! Why do you have to keep giving everyone these complicated feelings? Don't worry we'll be facing him directly as we now move into THE FINAL ARC!
> 
> Once again, thank you all for reading. I hope you enjoy the last few chapters!


	35. The Original Conman Strikes Again

**Chapter 35**

**Stanley**

Now that he knew what to listen for, Stan knew enough to worry. The members of the Cipher’s Wheel were excited again. The second arm was complete. That meant that Ford, Mika, and (he supposed) the rest of the world were in more danger than ever before.

Finally, _finally_ , Beatrice and Daniels came into his cell with a laptop and set things up for another video call with Ford and Mika. Beatrice wouldn’t look him in the eye. Daniels looked unsettlingly smug. Stan didn’t like either reaction, but he didn’t bother to dwell on it. He was much more concerned with telling the others what he had learned. 

Stanford like a wreck when his face appeared on the screen. His expression brightened only slightly when he saw Stanley looking back at him. 

“Stanley! You’re alive! It’s been so long since we’ve spoken I...I’ve been worried.” 

“Yeah, I’m holding up,” Stan said awkwardly. He resisted looking at his captors. “How about you two? Where’s Mika?” 

“She’s...not available right now. But I promise she’s...she's fine.”

Daniels snorted then, as though she didn’t think much of Ford’s promises. That reminded Stan of something. Something Bill had suggested he ask.

He knew it was a bad idea even as he asked. No way would Bill have his best interests in mind. Still… “Ford, were you ever planning to contact me before you needed me to take the journal from you?”

At first Ford looked bleary-eyed and confused, like his journals had become something far from the front of his mind. Then his gaze focused and he looked nervous, even alarmed. “Why are you asking about that now? Don’t we have more important things to worry about than old grudges?”

Stanley couldn’t help it, he glanced tellingly at Bernice. She looked down in shame. So it really had been a lie. Bernice had told him months ago that Ford had been desperate to contact him for years. Stan had held onto that hope for so long that he felt an ache at its sudden absence. He took a deep breath and fought to keep himself together. It didn’t matter that Ford really hadn’t cared enough to contact him for ten years. They could hash that out later. Right now Ford had the right idea: they had more important things to worry about.

At least...those were the thoughts that went through Stan’s mind. What he actually said was, “You’re a complete asshole, you know that? First you don’t speak to me for a _decade_ , then when you do it’s just so you can hand me a damn book and tell me to leave again! Were you even planning to tell me anything about Bill and his crazy cult? Or were you just hoping I’d fend for myself again like I did when I was 17? Because a little warning about these nutsos would have been nice!”

Ford looked shocked and then instantly defensive. “You wanted a warning? _I_ would have liked a warning! A warning that everyone I trusted in my life would turn against me and try to betray me someday! Stanley, even now you don’t know what forces you’re reckoning with, while I’ve been running myself ragged driving across the country trying to do whatever I can to keep you alive. If anything, you should be thank--”

“Don’t you dare!” Stan yelled loudly enough that even Daniels jumped. “It’s your fault that I was kidnapped in the first place. Don’t you dare try and get me to _thank_ you for it! Especially since all you’ve been doing is driving around collecting a bunch of useless junk!”

“Useless junk? What in the world are you talking about?” Ford asked, suddenly more confused than angry. 

That was where things got hectic, as Stan had known they would. He’d shown his hand and now Daniels and Bernice were on the alert. Daniels dived for the computer to cut off the connection, but Stan was ready for her. He slammed into her torso, sending her sprawling. In the meantime Bernice ran around the scuffle and got behind the laptop, ready to slam it shut. Stan was too far away to stop her, but he cried out anyway.

“Bernice, stop!” Stan still wasn’t sure whose side she was on. If she truly was just Bill’s tool or if their evenings alone together had actually meant something to her. Either way, he had to take the chance. He looked into her eyes pleadingly. “Do you really think _I’m_ the bad guy?”

She sucked in a sharp breath. She looked away and mumbled, “I...I really don’t know what to…”

In other words, she hesitated. That was all the opening Stan needed. He found his brother’s alarmed face on the screen again and called out. “Figure it out, Poindexter! You’ve been driving in a giant tri--UGH!”

Daniels had kicked him solidly in the gut. A second later she smashed the laptop on the floor in disgust. “You’re gonna pay for that, Pines!” She seemed more angry than he’d ever seen her. That told Stan everything he needed to know. For once he had done something useful. Now it was up to Ford to decipher the message it was probably going to cost Stan a few broken ribs to have delivered. 

Stan smirk in spite of himself as Daniels drew back her fist. It would be worth it.

It was always worth it to save Ford.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a rough situation for Stan right now, but also the best position he's been in for a while! Funny how things can work like that. Anyway, next time we'll get back to Ford and Mika and see how they take Stan's hastily imparted message. Will they figure it out? Will they finally have a leg up on Bill? Stay tuned to find out!
> 
> As always, reviews are immensely appreciated. Thank you everyone for reading! I love you all!


	36. A Plan

**Chapter 36**

**Mika**

She found Ford an hour later muttering to himself while lying in the dirt under the car. Mika had gone off to get them food while Ford had his video call with Stanley. She wished she could be there too, but they were still pretending she had lost all her emotions by eating the Mushroom of Mystery. She didn’t want to give the Wheelies the chance to figure out she was still her normal self. It was a small advantage, but it was the best one they had so far.

She knelt down, but gave him a moment before letting him know she was there. He just looked cute laying there on the ground and getting covered in grease. He seemed so focused she doubted he knew he was getting dirty. The sight made Mika’s heart flutter. He was just so smart and so determined. Sometimes Mika didn’t understand how she had gone so long without loving him.

It was bizarre to think about, really. The way the Pines family had changed her life. Stan had come out of nowhere on that blizzardy day, but he’d managed to dig her out of the hole she’d been stuck in and help her to find reasons to live again. He made her laugh. He protected her. He was her partner in crime in many ways. They understood each other in a way that only those who had lived a rough existence could. She loved Stan and wanted to give him a better life than he’d had.

Things were similar with Ford, but notably different. If Stan understood Mika now, Ford understood her as she’d once been and how she hoped to become. It was more than the nerdy hobbies they shared. It was the way they both yearned for knowledge and something more in the world. It was the way he made her think and even dare to dream. It was the way he valued her and worked to make her feel like an equal. Somewhere in Mika’s heart those things melded together to make her love Ford romantically, something she hadn’t done with anyone in years.

It was strange to care so much about both twins. She hoped, when everything was said and done, that they would understand and appreciate each other as much as she appreciated each of them.

Maybe it would be best to explain that Ford now that they had a quiet moment. She reached out to touch him.

“Fuck!” Ford exclaimed. 

 

Mika jumped. She wasn’t used to Ford swearing. “What is it? The car isn’t broken is it?”

“We might be better off if it were!” He wriggled out from under the car and brushed some of the dirt from his back. “I just found this stuck to the, um, the under parts of the vehicle we’ve been taking all over the country!” He held out a palm-sized circular disk.

“Under parts?” Mika snorted but took the disk, giving it a careful once-over. It was dirty and starting to rust. Around the edge she could see a series of little carvings of odd things. There was a bag of ice, a broken heart, glasses, and even a six-fingered hand. She didn’t pay much attention to those though. What chilled her blood was the picture in the center: a stark image of Bill Cipher. “What is this? What does it mean?”

Ford sighed heavily. “Stan warned me during our call, at a high cost to his own well-being I suspect. That thing is a magical charm that's been with us since the beginning. It’s been essentially drawing an invisible line of magic behind us during this whole useless journey!”

“What do you mean, useless?” Mika felt a sense of dread filling her. It left her cold and shaky. 

“All these artifacts we’ve gathered! They mean nothing! I knew Bill was trying to trick us and he still did it!” He threw up his hands in frustration. “We’ve been traveling in a giant triangle, Mika! No doubt we’ve been powering some fiendish ritual to bring Bill into our world this whole time!”

“Hey. Hey!” Mika countered. Ford was clearly starting to hyperventilate. “Breathe, Stanford. We haven’t been beaten yet! So what if we’ve been drawing a triangle. We haven’t finished it yet, right? Stan saved us! Now that you’ve taken that thingy off the car we won’t be tracing any lines anymore! We can still win this.”

Ford still looked uncertain so Mika threw her arms around him and held him tight. “It’s going to be okay. We’ve beaten everything that’s come our way so far. We’ll make it through this too.”

It took him a moment, but soon Ford breathed a sigh of relief and hugged Mika back. It would all be okay. It had to be. They just needed a plan.

 

**Rig Your Roll: Episode 63**

MtV: This is an episode for one person. I’m afraid it won’t be very long. There’s a lot that I wish I could say, and believe me I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t get to tell you it someday soon, but too many others are listening. 

And as for you, so-called allies of Bill, one way or another you’re going to realize someday soon what fools you’ve been. Bill has no real friends. He will betray you and he will laugh while he does it. I pity you. I hope you live to regret your choices.

Bill, I know you now. You’re a monster, but I won’t let you hurt anyone ever again.

Stanley...stay strong. I’m coming for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm afraid this one is a pretty short chapter, but that's just because the big FINALE is coming up! Is Stan still alive? What is Bill's big plan? Can Mika and Ford save the day? Finally, FINALLY, your questions will all be answered! Be prepared for an epic showdown...as soon as I write it. Wish me luck!
> 
> And thank you as always loyal readers. Your comments and interest in this story make it all worthwhile!


	37. Showtime

**Chapter 37**

**Bernice**

She felt like a complete fool. She’d wanted easy answers and she’d followed them to the end of the world.

Things had just seemed so simple when she’d first joined the Cipher’s Wheel. Everyone had seemed so kind and accepting. There was something she'd missed. Something she’d been eager to miss. They were all hungry. They were desperate. They were all the sort of people who needed a place to belong so badly, they were willing to help end the world to have it. Bernice had been like that too. Now she just wished she could home. Maybe she even could if she tried.

But that would mean leaving Stanley alone. 

She couldn't deny that she’d had a crush on No-Good Nick for a while now, ever since she’d started listening to his podcast. She’d thought he was funny, charming, and enticingly mischievous. She had never expected to meet him in person though. She had never expected him to be kind.

It made the whole hostage situation fairly awkward to be sure. At first Bernice told herself it was alright because she was just helping to give Stan another story for his always adventurous life. He was safe, after all. It wasn’t like he was getting hurt while they held him captive. If anything it was like an extended enforced sleep-over. One that even featured the occasional make-out even! 

Now Bernice was forced to admit she’d been lying to herself. Stanley was a prisoner and a tortured one at that. She didn’t know what Bill had said or done to him in the last few months, but it had clearly weighed heavily on Stan. Even worse though was what had happened after the last time Stan had spoken to his brother. 

Daniels hadn’t been kind to Stan after he revealed such a large part of Bill’s plan. They’d fought. Now Stan was covered in bruises, had a black eye, and likely had several cracked ribs. Daniels assured him she’d been being merciful. It made Bernice feel sick to her stomach.

When had this all because so complicated? Was there still time? Maybe she could still do something to make things right. Something…

Just then the fire alarm went off and something in Bernice’s gut told her time was up.

Most of the Wheelies present started for the nearest exits, but not everyone. Bill hadn’t exactly given them a fire evacuation procedure. That hadn’t stopped them from coming up with one on their own. After all, being a cult member came with a large sense of self-importance and a surprising amount of down time. They’d practiced fire drills until Bill yelled at them and then they interpreted his anger as best they could. Bill wasn’t always clear on details.

Basically, they decided that most people could leave in the event of a fire. A few people had to stay and risk their lives for the honor of Bill though, in case it was a trick of some kind…

Just then Bernice saw two hooded figures darting down the hallway away from the exit. They stood out immediately since, although the Wheelies usually wore cloaks as their uniforms, it happened to be casual Friday. Bernice immediately gave chase.

“Hey!” she called out. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Oh, good. You’re just the person we’re looking for!” And Mika flipped down her hood with a flick of her wrist, revealing a broad grin. “It’s Bernice, right? We’re going to need you to answer a few questions….”

In a flash Mika grabbed at Bernice’s wrists and the other hooded figure clamped something onto her. Bernice gasped. It was the Cuffs of Truth!

“Now,” Ford said as he pulled back his own hood, “where is Stan?”

**Ford**

They’d made it. Finally they were back in the lair of the beast, ready to save his brother. 

Stan. What sort of hell had he been going through in the last week since they’d last spoken? The question had haunted Ford’s nightmares more than Bill ever had. Bernice wasn’t resisting, but Ford pushed her forward anyway. He had to see Stanley. He had to know that his brother was alright.

They soon arrived at a closed door with a flap at the bottom, presumably for delivering food. Ford rushed forward while Mika kept a hold on Bernice. Immediately it was clear that something was wrong. He tried the knob and it wasn’t locked. The door swung open with ease and even dipped a bit like the hinges were no longer fully in place. 

Inside the cell was a wreck. Boxes were strewn everywhere with their contents broken and dented all over the floor. There were flecks of blood along the walls. Ford even saw something that looked like the chip of a tooth! The only thing that appeared untouched was a cot in the corner where a large man rested, his back turned away from them. Ford rushed forward toward him. 

“Stanley! Are you…” Again, something was wrong. It only took a touch to realize the man in the cot wasn’t Stan. Rather it was a very beat-up stranger. Ford blinked. What was going on?

“Heh, wow, I’m kind of surprised you showed up. How’s it going, Sixer?”

Ford turned slowly at the familiar voice, the one he’d barely heard for years but could never forget. Stan stood in the doorway of the cell, bruised and battered, with an uncertain look on his face. He was also alive. Alive and in one piece. Before Ford even knew what he was doing he crossed the room in two long strides and wrapped his arms around his brother. He was safe. _They_ were safe. 

All they had to do now was…

“That...That is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever s-seen!” Bernice sobbed. “Bill said you would never forgive each other and now look at you two! You’re long-lost brothers and you l-love each other!”

Of all things it was Ford’s instinct to be embarrassed and immediately deny that he cared about Stan at all. Luckily, Mika’s rigging instincts were quicker.

She swung an arm over Bernice’s shoulder. “It is wonderful isn’t it? A raw display of emotion that’s been pent up for decades! But don’t get too invested just yet! These two still have lots they need to talk about. Old wounds that mending.”

Bernice bit her lip. “Oh. Of course. Ford must still be mad about his science fair project and Stan must be angry abandoned and…”

“Hey!” Stan interrupted. “I know you two are suckers for emotional drama but do you think you could just leave it to me and Ford to work out our own shit?”

“No.” Mika and Bernice said at once.

“You've proven you can’t be trusted.”

“The last time you were left alone to talk you just beat each other up. It was half the reason we were able to kidnap you.”

“Besides,” Mika said with a sudden wicked grin, “having you two make up would be a great episode for the podcast.”

Ford felt his cheeks turn a bright red. “Don’t...er, don’t be ridiculous!”

“We can deal with the negotiations later,” Mika said, waving her hand dismissively. Then she looked at Stan and let her posturing fall to the side. She breathed a big sigh of relief and her eyes began to tear up. “Hey. I missed you, buddy.”

It looked like there was more she wanted to say, but she couldn’t get it out. Stan caught one of her tears as she began to cry.

“It’s okay, Mika. I'm okay. Like you said, we gotta save the mushy stuff for the show, right? Give our fans what they want?”

Mika laughed. “Right. Then take ‘em for all they’ve got!”

Stan and Mika shared a high five and a smile then. Ford was happy for them but he also couldn’t help feeling excluded. Would either of them really need him now that they had each other again?

The question would have to wait. Right now they to make their escape and fast.

“Alright you,” Ford said to Bernice, “what’s the quickest way out of here?”

Bernice winced like the Cuffs were causing her pain. “There’s a tunnel underground. I can show you the way.”

So they all followed her, little suspecting that a bit of poor wording would prove to be their undoing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done now...
> 
> Specifically I think chapter 40 will be the last one!


	38. Kicking Butt

**Chapter 38**

**Mika**

Quickest. The key word was quickest. Ford could have said ‘safest' or ‘least guarded’ route. It turned out that the quickest way out of the warehouse was a tunnel straight into Bill’s large mystical ritual chamber...and a dead end. It didn’t take long for the cultists to fill the tunnel behind them.

Mika took a moment to glance around. The chamber they were in...wasn’t very impressive. It was more of a large, crudely dug hole in the ground. There was a circle of symbols inexpertly painted on the far wall. In the center of the circle was a picture of Bill, with his cartoonish grasp brushing a six-fingered hand. It wasn’t going to win any art shows, but Mika had a strong feeling the symbols would conduct magic just fine. 

Ford look more assured, though not by much. “Nice try, Bill! I found the plate you were using to channel your spell through and cleansed the whole car! Whatever you’re planning, it’s not going to work!”

And then Bill came forward. They could tell he was in Daniels’ body even before they saw her eyes. It was the way the crowd moved around him, in deference and awe...and fear. His mad laughter helped too. 

“That little thing?” Bill said with a giggle in his voice. “That was just a way of magically tracking you. You didn’t get in the way of my plan at all! You’ve spent months charging up the spell for my big release all on your own, Fordsy! Making one big triangle of doom for the whole planet to thank you for!”

“What?” Ford looked aghast. “No. That’s not possible! I’m…”

“What was it that your little sweetheart here called you?” Bill briefly deigned to glance at Mika, who shivered under his gaze. “Oh, right. You’re a wizard, Stanford!”

Several of the wheelies gasp in shock. Bill waved from them to calm down.

“Not in that stick-waving way you humans like to imagine. You’re just unusually good at accumulating magical energy and attracting weird stuff to you. Sending you around the country to collect mystical do-dads basically super-charged you. Doing it in a giant triangle made an enormous spell symbol for me to come through to your world!”

Suddenly Bill aggressively grabbed at Ford’s arm. “Now all I need is to take your hand and put it on the wall over there!” He gleefully pointed at the six-fingered hand drawn on the center of the mystical circle. “And then all of the Earth will be weirdness central!” He laughed wildly again and some of the wheelies joined in. Others looked had mixed expressions though.

Ford heard one cultist whisper, “Wait. Are we _really_ doing the ‘End-of-the-World’ thing? I always figured that was supposed to be a metaphor!”

“Dude, seriously. I know we’ve been holding a guy hostage for months, but something about this seems a little off now….”

Bill didn’t seem to notice the concern among his followers. Instead he just pulled at Ford’s arm with a surprising amount of strength. “Alright now, off we go. Just press the symbol and end the world! It’ll be fun, I promise!”

Stan and Mika exchanged a glance. “This is the part where we fight, right?” Stan asked.

“Right,” Mika grinned. And she reached into her pocket and pressed something on her phone. “Ballroom Blitz” begin to play.

Stan erupted like an animal breaking out of a cage. He whirled and punched the nearest cultist in the face. Mika threw off her robe to reveal that she had a long wooden staff hidden under it. Bernice looked shocked.

“Is that the Staff of Owls?” she asked. “But I heard your show! I thought the owls wouldn’t work for you?”

Mika tisked. “Wow, working for Bill has really clouded your mind, hasn’t it? You’re so full of what he wants you to think that you’re missing the obvious thing right in front of you.”

“Oh?” Bernice asked defensively. “And what’s that?”

“I’m about to _hit you_ with a _giant stick_!”

That was when the fight truly began. Punches flew. Weapons clashed. Ford yanked himself away from Bill and did his best to join in the brawl, but fighting had never been his strong suit. He’d always left that the Stan when they were kids. Besides, what sort of wizard fought with their fists? No. It was a wizard’s job to fight with _magic_!

“Stan, catch!” Ford called. He threw something small that Stan snatched from the air with ease.

Stan stared at it, a long tooth on a silver chain. “No offense, but this isn’t really the time for me to take up new jewelry.”

“Just put it on!”

“Alright, already!” Stan broke someone’s nose then took a moment to put the chain around his neck. In an instant he nearly crashed his head into the ceiling as Stan grew to twice his normal height and became a terrifying wolf-like creature!

From there half the wheelies screamed and ran off. Stan howled in triumph and began attacking the remaining enemies, looking like he was having a ball of a time doing it too. With Stan on their side, it wasn’t long before Mika and Ford were able to just stand to the side and let him do the work of fighting Cipher’s minions on his own. 

“This is...going surprisingly well,” Mika said.

“Better than we’d planned,” Ford agreed. “We still need to do something about Bill though.”

Indeed, Bill was at the back of the room, looking aghast. “No, no, no! You weren’t supposed to use the artifacts to fight me! Argh! Why are you making this so much more _complicated_ than it has to be?” He seethed for another moment then grew unsettlingly calm. “Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to dive into my _own_ bag of tricks!”

With that he began to chant something in quasi-Latin, something that sounded strangely familiar to Ford.

“Oh, no,” Ford murmured. That was all he could get out before the room started to rumble and the dirt floor started to crack open. In moments a horde of zombies were clawing their way to the surface!

“Zombies!” Mika yelled. “What the hell, Ford? Why didn’t you tell me he could summon zombies?! Why are there even this many people buried here?”

“That’s actually a question with a fascinating answer! You see…”

“Not the time, Ford!” Mika dodged around him and used the sacred Staff of Owls to bash in the head of a zombie that was sneaking up behind them.

“No, perhaps not,” Ford agreed. “Still, this is in some ways a fortunate turn of events. Now that we’re not fighting humans anymore, I can use _my_ weapon.” He pulled out a blaster he had put together with Fiddleford back in Gravity Falls. It was only slightly inspired by Star Trek. 

He fired around the room, taking down as many undead as he could. There were a lot of them too. There was barely room to fight properly in the small cavern. Ford and Mika did their best, standing back to back and leaving Stanley room to be a one werewolf slaughterhouse. He really seemed to be enjoying himself too, Ford noted as Stan jumped into a pile of zombies, making some of them splatter and shredding the rest with his claws. It was a bit unsettling to see actually. Was this all anger that had been building up against Bill and his cult? Or did it go back further than that? Once again Ford resolved to have a good long talk with Stan...if they got out of all this alive, that was.

Then Ford noticed something that made his blood go cold. He had assumed all of the cultists had run away to safety at this point, but he was wrong. Bernice was still there, lying on the floor and struggling to get up in all the chaos with her wrists still shackled. Ford tried to make his way to her, but Bill made it first. He called to one of the zombies and held out Bernice’s arm.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Bill called out. “If anyone keeps fighting this lady takes a one-way trip to zombie town!”

Ford and Mika froze. Stan threw a few more zombies off his back then huffed, looking like he was ready to charge at Bill head first. Mika reached out and held him back. Ford didn’t have much love for the cultists who had kidnapped his brother, but they were still people, people who had been taken in and fooled by Bill’s charm. Who was Ford to judge that? He couldn’t let one of them die on his watch, not if he could help it.

Meanwhile Bernice wriggled in Bill’s iron grasp, watching the hovering zombie nervously. “Now, don’t take this the wrong way, Bill,” she said. “But I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I don’t think I want to work for you anymore. I’ve gotten the feeling that you might be kind of evil.”

Bill shrugged. “I’m not evil. I just get bored easily. And irritated. And I may have some anger issues. Come to think of it, I can see why you’d use ‘evil’ for short. I’ll take it. It sounds snazzy.” He turned back to Ford. “Now, hurry up! Touch the symbol on the wall or Whatserface here gets it!”

“You don’t even know her name?!” Stan growled. “That’s it, I’m gonna tear you to pieces!”

“No, Stanley, don’t!” Ford called out quickly. “I...I’ll do it.” He stepped forward before anyone could stop him and reached out with his right hand. Before he touched the wall he looked at Bill. “If I do this, you’re going to come through, aren’t you? Come through completely.”

“That’s the plan, Poindexter. After that I’ll even bring in some friends of mine. Make a whole party out of it!” 

“We’ll see about that.” Then he pressed his hand firmly to the wall.

Immediately the room began to shake. A glowing tear appeared in the middle of the room, floating in mid-air. Ford had to squint to look at it. He could hear Bill laughing, not from inside Daniels’ body, which had collapsed quite suddenly, but unfiltered and _real_. The sound made Ford feel sick with fear. 

Stan looked at Mika, then Ford, then the tear. His ears were flicked back and Ford almost expected him to whimper. “I sure hope you guys know what you’re doing.”

“So do I,” Ford murmured. He slowly reached his hand under his cloak, taking hold of their secret weapon, the thing the whole world was depending on.

Bill continued to laugh as emerged through the tear in reality. He was...surprisingly still a triangle with a top hat. A part of Ford wanted to laugh. The entire world was in danger and it was at the hands of a glorified cartoon character!

“At last! At last I’m finally free!” Bill crowed. “Now I’ve got a whole dimension at my disposal to warp however I see fit!”

“Maybe,” Mika said, unable to keep the smirk from her voice, “but will you even _want_ to?”

Then in the blink of an eye (specifically Bill’s eye), Mika and Ford each pulled out a spray bottle and fired them straight into Bill’s only exposed mucus membrane: his enormous stupid eye.

Bill screamed at the sensation, then went quiet. Ford prayed. Everything depended on the next moment.

“You humans are ridiculous!” Bill shouted. “Did you really think that, what, a bit of window-cleaner was going to stop me? Sure it stings like hell, and I would know, but that’s not going to stop me from tearing….you….huh.” Bill changed slowly from a bright and angry red back to his normal shade of yellow. He blinked and stared at his hands as if confused what they were doing there. “What _was_ that stuff anyway?”

“Distilled Mushroom of Mystery.” Mika spoke with a certain bitterness in her voice. “Remember, the mushroom you tried to get me to eat so I’d lose all my emotions? Well, you’ve just taken your own medicine.”

“What?!” Bill went red again for a second, then faded. “Wow. That was pretty loud, wasn’t it? Hmm.” He floated listlessly to one side.

Stan stared at him, not sure what to make of the situation. “So, wait, you guys came in here _ready_ for Bill to come into this dimension.”

Ford nodded. “Once we found that plate on the car we knew for certain we were driving into a trap. Knowing Bill, he was bound to have a few tricks up his sleeve. We also knew that we couldn’t just free you and run. Bill has too many followers now. The world would still be in danger unless we were able to stop Bill himself. That’s when we decided to use the tools he gave us against him.”

Mika swung the Staff of Owls proudly. “It turns out I like hitting people with a heavy stick.”

“And this werewolf thing ain’t half-bad,” Stan agreed. He looked back at Bill, who had started counting pebbles on the ground. “So, ah, what are we going to do about him?”

“Yeah,” Mika added, staring at the tear still hovering in the air above them. “We can’t exactly leave that open for Bill’s friends to come through either.”

Ford considered this problem for a moment. “Actually, I have a theory about that.” 

He went over to Bill and picked him up by the hat, which strangely didn’t separate from Bill’s head at all. Ford dragged him over in front of the floating portal then let go and took several steps back. Then in a burst of speed Ford ran forward and kicked that damn triangle’s butt straight through the tear!

The portal closed up neatly behind Bill, as though it had never been there. 

Ford clapped his hands back and forth with satisfaction. “And good riddance!”

Mika laughed and hugged him. “You did it! You’re a hero, Ford!” And she crushed her lips against his.

For his part, Ford felt lighter than he ever had before. The world was safe! Bill was gone forever! He was in love and everything was perfect!

Then he looked over Mika’s shoulder and saw Stan just standing there. He’d taken off the Lunar Fang and he looked small now, nervous and even meek, like he didn’t know what to do now that everything was done.

Right. Not everything was perfect. Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! That was one heck of a chapter! But everything is great now! Our heroes are reunited! Bill has been defeated! We got a big kiss and everything!
> 
> Well...except there's two brothers that still haven't actually reconciled. Stay tuned for the next chapter where two grown men desperately try to talk about their feelings!
> 
> In the meantime, please comment! I'd love to hear your thoughts on the final battle and Bill's defeat! Plus, don't be afraid to weigh in on what you'd like to see in the next chapter. Remember, the story is almost over!


	39. Mending and Building

**Chapter 39**

**Stan**

Things were busy for a few days after that. Busy enough that Stan could make excuses. Bernice sent out some emails to the rest of the Cipher’s Wheel saying that the cult was over and everyone should just go home please. Detective Daniels woke up to the news that Bill was defeated and had a bit of a hissy fit, so they brought her to the police station with the Cuffs of Truth and got her to confess to a number of abuses of power. 

It was actually messier trying to clean up their lives at home. Nefarious Escapes had long since fired Stan and Mika for not showing up for work, though their boss said she loved the new fictionalized direction they’d taken the podcast in. Luckily Mika had been able to keep paying their rent on the road so Stan didn’t have to worry about them being homeless. (It was a fear that had managed to worm its way in with all the others while he’d been captured.) The downside though was that their place was still a mess from when the Wheelies trashed it looking Ford’s journal. Mika was beside herself at the state of her precious book collection and spent days trying to put everything back in order. 

For his part, Ford seemed perfectly happy to help them clean and organize everything again. He even suggested a new filing system for Mika’s library. So far he hadn’t said anything about going home. 

That might have had something to do with Mika. It was a bit nauseating to watch the two of them together. They giggled. They flirted. They played nerdy games together. Worst of all, Stan didn’t think he’d ever seen Ford so happy in his life.

Stan didn’t know what to do exactly. He didn’t want to risk making Ford angry again. If he ran away then Stan might really never see him again. Stan didn’t like indecision. It just made him sulky and irritable. He tried to hide it, but it wasn’t long before Mika took him aside one day while Ford was out getting groceries.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked him one night over a cup of tea. “You’ve been wearing your ‘I want to punch everything’ face a lot lately.”

“I’m fine,” Stan grumbled back. 

Mika bit her lip. “Is this about your time with Bill? Did he mess with your head a bunch? Are you having PTSD?”

She looked so worried that Stan couldn’t help but feel guilty. “No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just...I...Look, are you going to run off with Ford now? Because I’d rather just have you say he’s the better twin and get on with it than keep pretending everything is fine and normal!” There. He’d said it. Stan took an aggressive sip of his tea.

Surprisingly, Mika didn’t seem to know how to respond. Her cheeks went bright red and she was silent for a few seconds. “So...Um. I guess you figured out that Ford and I are a thing now, huh?”

Stan rolled his eyes. “I know he’s not really sleeping on the couch every night if that’s what you mean. You two aren’t nearly as sneaky or quiet as you think you are.” He paused. “So, are you two in love or whatever?”

Mika looked even more embarrassed and stared hard at the floor. “Yeah. I guess so. I…” She looked up at him and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. “Oh Stan, I’m so _scared_!” She ran around the table to hug him.

He returned the embrace instinctively, but didn’t know what else to do. He’d thought that he was dealing with blissfully happy lovers who were leaving him behind. Now he had no idea what the real problem was. 

Mika continued crying for a few moments and Stan patted her back. Finally, she got herself under control and moved away, wiping at her eyes. “Sorry about that. I just...It’s been a long couple of months. When you first got kidnapped over that stupid journal, I knew it was all my fault. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything you went through with Bill because of me. I know you’re a big tough guy and you won’t talk about what happened to you, but now you’re safe and I just know that part of you has to resent me for everything that happened.”

She looked away. She didn’t have to though. For once Stan knew exactly how he felt.

“How could I be mad at you? Everything you did saved my brother’s life. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, for him to be safe and happy.” He shrugged even though he still felt full of pain. “You did better than I ever did anyway.” His voice got quieter. “I understand why you’d want to run off with him.”

Mika shook her head. “You don’t understand. Ford and I, sure we’re all goofy for each other right now, but we’re still running off the high of defeating Bill. We got together because we were trapped in car for two months worrying about _you_. It just kind of happened. I can’t go running off with him because I doubt that he even really loves me!”

Stan’s eyes went wide at that. “Wait. You don’t think Ford loves you?”

She looked away and rubbed at her arm. “I’m sure he’s enjoyed, um, aspects of our relationship. But I know better than to think this is a forever kind of thing. I’m not smart enough for him and--”

“Yup. I can tell,” Stan interrupted. “After all, you’re being a complete idiot right now.”

“Wait, what?” Mika said. Just then she went pale as they both heard the sound of keys rustling in the door. She and Stan both stared as Ford came in with a bag of groceries. He stared back at them once he noticed their attention.

“Um, greetings? Is something wrong?” Ford asked.

“Mika doesn’t think you love her!” Stan exclaimed without hesitation.

Mika scowled. “Well Stan thinks you want to abandon him again! Probably because he thinks you still hate him!” 

“He does hate me! I ruined his chances of getting into West Coast Tech! I ruined his life!”

“Well if you ruined his life so much then how could you have introduced him to someone he supposedly loves? Pick an angle, Stanley!”

“...So do I get a say in any of this?” Ford asked, sounding very overwhelmed. 

Stan and Mika froze. Neither of them were sure if they wanted to hear what Ford had to say. Still, it was too late. The can had been opened. It was time to deal with the worms.

Ford looked between the two of them, his face unreadable. Finally his gaze settled on Stan. “We’ve needed to have a good long talk for a while now. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get to it. Will you come for a walk with me?”

“Uh,” Stan glanced at the door, which still had a dent in from their last ‘talk’. Was hashing things out in public really a good idea? It could get them arrested!

“Please Stanley,” Ford said, seemingly misinterpreting Stan’s hesitation. “I know I’ve hurt you before, but I promise that I...Well, I’m going to try very hard not to screw things up again.”

That made Stan’s heart ache but also left him confused. Ford was saying he’d screwed things up? Just what was going on here?

“Yeah, okay,” Stan finally said. “Let me get my jacket.” 

**Ford**

“So, a little bit after you were captured, Mika and I had an argument. She, um, she pointed out that my perpetual motion machine wouldn’t actually have worked, not completely.” Ford paused to let Stan take in the information and realize the implications. His brother stayed uncharacteristically quiet. Ford bit his lip nervously and went on. He’d been practicing this speech in his head on and off for months now. 

“So, you see, I’m very sorry for my part of getting you kicked out of the house. You never deserved that. I’m sorry for all the years you suffered because of that.” 

Yet Stan was still quiet. Ford finally stopped and turned to stand face to face with him. Stan stopped walking too but wouldn't look Ford in the eye. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides. 

“Stanley, what is it? Are you alright?” Ford asked frantically. What was he doing wrong? Wait. Of course. Stan had to be furious with Ford for all the pain he’d caused him over the years, which Ford had now explained had all been completely pointless. “I...I understand if you’re angry. You must hate me now.” 

Stan let out a rough laugh. “I don’t hate you, Sixer. I don’t think I ever could, even if you do make me mad as hell sometimes. I mean, I’m glad I didn’t actually ruin your life if that’s what you wanna hear, but...is that really all you’ve got to say about what happened back then? Or now?” 

Ford bit his lip, starting to feel a little frustrated. “Do you want me to apologize for trusting Bill? Because I’m sure I’m going to be doing that for the rest of my life! It was the biggest mistake I ever made and it nearly caused the destruction of the entire Earth as we know it!” 

“Screw the Earth!” Stan interrupted. “I’m not gonna blame you for being conned by a conman and his plans weren’t your fault. I’m talking about _us_ , Stanford.” 

“What _about_ us?” Ford finally lost his patience and threw his hands in the air. “I don’t know what you want me to say! Just tell me so we can stop fighting already!” 

“Oh, so _now_ you want to listen to what I have to say? Would’ve been nice ten years ago!” 

“I thought you said you weren’t mad about my science fair project?!” 

“I’m not! I’m mad because you _ditched_ me!” Stan yelled, attracting the gaze of a few passersby. “It was supposed to be you and me forever and then out of nowhere you wanted to drop our dreams and go to school on the other side of the country! Then you didn’t talk to me for ten years. _Then_ when you finally _do_ want to see me it’s just to hand me your journal and tell me to go away again!” 

Ford winced. “Stanley, I…I hadn’t thought of it that way. When we were teens I still cared about you, but I needed _space_. I needed time to not just be one half of a set. And West Coast Tech? Well, it would have been an amazing opportunity.” 

He knew he sounded wistful as he spoke and regretted it. This wasn’t about him and his dreams. It was about Stan. It was about hoping to fix something that just maybe wasn’t broken beyond repair. 

“You could have told me, y’know,” Stan said, still sounding bitter but quieter now. “Maybe I wouldn’t have understood, but I would have done anything for you. I could have left you alone without Pop kicking me out.” 

Ford shook his head. “I’m only able to put the whole thing together in hindsight. Back then I didn’t even think about it. I was just so excited to go somewhere new, where I wasn’t a _freak_. I...I forgot about you. Or rather, I just didn’t want to think what might happen to you. You were always the normal twin, the charismatic one. I figured you would be fine. I told myself that and didn’t look back. Now it’s one of the biggest regrets of my life.” 

He paused and dared to glance in Stan’s direction. Stan was looking away, sniffling in the cool, brisk air. But not crying. Never crying. 

“So it took you ten years to come around to all this regret?” Stan asked, still defensive. “I wouldn’t have said no to a phone call from you sometime, y’know.” 

Ford shrank down into his coat. “I was angry. I felt like you had betrayed me and I didn’t see that there was anything worth salvaging. I didn’t realize what a fool I’d been until I met Bill and learned what real betrayal was. Even then it took me a long time to understand the mistake I had made.” 

“And then you met Mika,” Stan said with a laugh that was both amused and bitter. “Figures that you’d fall in love and want to make nice before you run off into the sunset.” 

“Mika is...she’s something,” Ford admitted with a soft smile. “She’s fun, she’s intelligent, she’s adventurous. During these last few months she’s made me happier than I’ve been for a very long time.” 

Stan sighed heavily then put on a clearly forced smile. “And I’m happy for the two of you. Really. I’m super glad you found each other even if that meant me being all caged up and tortured for a while. You’re my two favorite people in the world. It makes sense that you would fit together. Just don’t forget to invite me to the wedding or whatever, alright?” He slapped Ford on the back. 

Ford frowned. “Stanley, I don’t think you understand. Yes, I care very deeply about Mika, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring about you. I'm trying to say I'm sorry, but it's more than that. Being with Mika made me remember how good it felt to have someone I could trust by my side. Mika and I have a lot in common, but she also has a lot in common with you. She's reckless, she's stubborn, and she's one of the most loyal people I've ever met.” 

He paused and smiled ruefully. “She also never let me forget what an jerk I've been to you. It felt like she reminded me almost everyday, even after we became friends. I guess the lesson sunk in eventually.” He took a deep breath and looked square in the eyes. “I've been giving this a lot of thought, Stanley. I don't want to leave you alone again. I don't want to leave you at all.” 

Stan looked at him, still obviously nervous but also perhaps hopeful. “What are you getting at?” 

“You lost your job when you were captured, right?” 

“Um...yeah. Two months of no shows and they pretty much had to fire us. Too bad. It was a good gig. Mabel and Dipper loved the place. But what’s that got to do with anything?” 

Ford smiled. “Well, if you need to start over anyway, would you consider building a life of adventure and science with me in Gravity Falls? I know you didn’t get to see very much of it the last time you were there, but I promise it has enough mysteries there to last a lifetime. And, well, I’d like you to be with me, helping to solve those mysteries.” 

Stan looked thunderstruck by the proposition. Then, to Ford’s utter shock, he started to tear up. It was just a little and Stan quickly covered it up with a cough but still, Ford hadn’t seen Stan cry at all since they were children. Strangely, the thought made Ford want to cry too, for everything they had been through and everything they had missed out on. For a moment it all began to weigh on Ford at once. 

Then Stan reached out and pulled him into a tight hug and all the pain went away. Whatever had happened before, Ford had the feeling it was all going to be alright now. Still, he had to be sure. 

“Is that a yes then?” Ford managed to squeeze out the breath to ask. 

Stan finally pulled back and laughed. “Of course it is! I can’t just let you go off into the woods on your own again if Gravity Falls has demons like Bill hanging around it! You need someone who can punch you out of any trouble you get into, and I got two fists that are ready for the job!” He began punching the air for effect, laughing and looking almost delirious with bliss. Then he paused. “But, ah, what are we going to do about Mika? We can’t just leave her all alone. Were you planning on bringing her along too?” 

“Would you mind that?” Ford asked. “I know our dream as kids was always us against the world. Would it ruin things for you if Mika came along too?” 

“Pfft!” Stan waved a hand dismissively. “Mika’s been my friend for years now. She’s not gonna ruin anything. She’s got a knack for getting people out of trouble...and into it if she thinks it’s funny. She’d be a blast to have along!” He paused and his brow furrowed. “You’re going to have to convince her to come though. She doesn’t even believe you really love her. Wait. You do love her, right?” 

Ford blushed enormously at the question. 

“I, uh, I haven’t really had time to consider the matter,” he mumbled. 

Stan sighed. “Alright, Poindexter. If you have to make this difficult, take a minute to think it over. Do you care enough about Mika that asking her to uproot her whole life and move across the country for you would be a fair thing to do?” 

That...was a difficult question to answer. It made an excellent point that Ford had thus far neglected to consider. What was fair to Mika? He knew he cared about her. He smiled every time he thought about her. Being near her made him feel like everything was safe and okay and always would be. She made poetry make sense, for crying out loud! 

But was it love? Was it enough to offer her? Was he enough? The last thing he wanted to do was disappoint or hurt her. How did one parse out such tangled threads of emotion? 

“Stan, have you ever been in love?” 

Stan quirked an eyebrow. “C’mon, you know I have, Bro.” 

“Oh.” Ford considered. “Of course. I had forgotten about Carla.” 

“Good for you, ‘cause I don’t think I ever will. There’s been a few other folks since her, but I don’t think you ever really forget your first love.” 

And Ford didn’t think he could ever forget Mika, even with Fiddleford’s memory gun. He wished she were here right now so he could hold her close and listen to her laugh. He loved her laugh. He… 

Good lord, was it really that simple? They’d spent months together. They’d grown close as friends and then lovers. Yet his ultimate solution to the problem of his feelings for her came down to the easiest little thing: he wanted to make her laugh. He wanted to see her happy. Always. Perhaps by his side, or perhaps somewhere else, but the most important thing was her happiness. 

“I...I _do_ love her. Oh my goodness! Stanley...I’m in _love_!” He was smiling. He couldn’t stop smiling. 

Stan laughed and clapped him on the back. “Good job, Poindexter. I knew you’d figure it out. Now you just have to make sure she feels the same way, do a bit of wooing, and we’ll be all set to move to Oregon!” 

The fluttering in Ford’s stomach suddenly turned into a lead weight. “Oh, no. You’re right. She might not feel the same way about me! What do I do?” He thought frantically about the past few months, trying to read into Mika’s actions as much as possible. “I mean, she wouldn’t just use me as some sort of sex puppet, would she?” 

“Um…” Ford didn’t like the way Stan hesitated. “I don’t think she’d do that to _you_ , no. I mean, there _were_ a few women and men in the past…” Stan noticed the look on Ford’s face then and raised up a hand. “But, uh, high six on getting laid though!” 

Ford just groaned. “What am I going to do? I just realized I love her and she might not even love me back and this is terrible and…” 

“Whoa there!” Stan interrupted. “Listen. You’re getting ahead of yourself. I know Mika pretty well at this point and I know she doesn’t play around with emotions. If you’ve fallen for her she’s bound to feel _something_ for you at this point or she wouldn’t let you keep cuddling up to her. What you need to do now is stack the odds in your favor.” 

Ford looked at his brother nervously. Stan had a glint in his eyes that Ford remembered all too well. His twin had a plan. Stan, at least while they were growing up, had never had the best track record with his plans actually working out….nor did his romantic tips usually hold much weight, come to think about it. 

It said a lot that Ford was ready to listen with full sincerity to whatever it was Stan had to say. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! I know I said this would be the last chapter but it was getting sort of long and I haven't updated in forever so I thought I'd extend things a bit! The _next_ chapter should be the official last one with an epilogue after that. Then it's time for some new projects! Tell me, do any of these ideas interest you?
> 
> 1\. The Stans at Hogwarts  
> 2\. The Stans on The Bachelorette  
> 3\. Finishing my Reverse Falls story
> 
> I'm willing to take opinions on any and all of these ideas! As always, thank you for reading and I love reviewers forever!


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